Here we go again...

So... guess what... we're at it again.

Third time is the charm right??  Well, this will be our third Frozen Embryo Transfer.  (Before that we did IVF, before that IUI's, before that random surgeries and procedures, and before that we just tried having intercourse like "normal" people.  Nothing's worked so far.  But this time will be different.

1)  Because it will work and I will become pregnant.

-or-

2) Because this is for sure the last time we'll be doing any infertility treatments.

So, there are 2 ways to play this.  The first time we did this (Round 1), I was very open about every step of the process  That way, everyone knew what was going on, and I didn't have to answer so many questions.  Also, I wrote down my experiences in the hopes that this might help someone else reading it who struggled with infertility.  But I was expecting it to work.  And after a very public emotional roller-coaster, I had to publicly acknowledge my broken, aching heart.  And that was difficult to go through.

Round 2- I kept to myself.  Only the people involved knew I was trying it again.  Same routine, same shots, same appointments.  I had better odds this time.  2 good fertilized embryos were implanted in me.   But it had the same result.  Unsuccessful.  The recovery process was a little bit easier, simply because I had been through it before, so I didn't really get my hopes up.  And also because I didn't have to face the world with my negative results.  

Side Note: I'm not going to call them failures, because I didn't fail.  I had a very insensitive elderly gentleman say to me:  "I heard you failed".  At the time, I was confused what he was talking about.  So I said "Failed at what?"  He said, "You didn't get pregnant."  That totally caught me off-guard.  I forgot that I had told him and his wife that we were doing infertility treatments last year, and I hadn't seen them in 6 months.  I did my best not to get infuriated because were were in a public place.  I downplayed it, and said it didn't work out.  Then I changed the subject.  But inside I was fired up.  I DID NOT FAIL!  I did EVERY SINGLE THING that was asked of me.  I went through every procedure.  I took every pill, got every shot, blood draw, ultrasound, suppository, procedure, etc.  So far, I've had 3 fertilized embryos implanted inside me, and they haven't stuck around.  Bu that has nothing to do with me.  I did everything I could to make those work.  So no, I did not fail.  It took me a while to simmer down from that one.  (I guess it's still kind of sensitive subject.)  Note to others:  Don't say that to a person going through infertility treatments.  Not a good idea.

So that brings us to Round 3.  And I debated whether to endure it privately or go through it publicly this time.  And I think a mixture of both.  I'll share when I'm ready.  In the meantime, I would kindly request that you don't ask.  (If I don't bring it up.)  Like I said, I'll share when I'm ready.

But after talking with a friend of mine, I realized I needed to write this blog for others who are going through infertility.  My friend "J" had sent me an email saying how she had been suffering with infertility for the past 2 years, just very privately.  And it made me realize that I need to write this, so people know they are not alone.  And that this is very common.  The statistic is 1 in 8 women will have trouble conceiving.  (for a large variety of reasons)  And it just makes you feel better knowing you are not the only one going through this.  

So that's why I'm sharing again.  To help others understand the complex world of infertility- where they speak a whole different language made up mainly of acronyms.  (IUI, IVF, EMD, HSG, RE)  It's scary and hard to navigate, so it's helpful to have someone who has been down that road before.  (I had several friends who did this for me.)  So I am just returning the favor.

We tried again... (Frozen Embryo Transfer)

Last fall,  I went through my first In Vitro Fertilization cycle.  (IVF)   I was very open with the details.  I documented every step so that others following in my footsteps would know what to expect, and so they would know they are not alone.  Many, many people have to do infertility treatment.  And it's nice to know others are going through the same thing.

 It was a very long, emotional process that started with an IVF consult in October, and ended in February with a blood test.  After all that, I found out I wasn't pregnant.  And I was heart-broken.  That was so much work.  So much blood, sweat, and tears.  Appointments, procedures, surgeries.  So many shots, pills, suppositories every day.  All to achieve the dream of having a baby.  But it didn't work.  I felt like I had a run a marathon, and then didn't get the prize at the end.

I thought I was done with infertility.  But when are you ever done?  How do you know when to stop?  
I reconnected with the adoption agency I was working with.  I got our paperwork back up-to-date.  But then... you just wait.  And I hate waiting.  I need to be doing something...

Meanwhile, my hubby wanted to give the Frozen Embryo Transfer another try.  This time with a donor embryo... to see if we might have more success with that.  So I agreed.  I wasn't super excited about it.  I just thought I would do it to see what happens.

At the time, I thought about blogging about it.  But I didn't feel motivated to do it.  I was really gun-shy.  It was so painful the last time- telling everyone that it didn't work.  So I thought I would keep it a secret this time.  And just tell people after I got pregnant.

The nice thing about doing it a second time is that it wasn't as scary.  Granted, it wasn't that fun.  But it wasn't scary.  I had already done everything once already.  I knew exactly what hurt and how much it hurt.  And kind of what to do in order to make it feel better.

My drug regiment was almost identical to the last time.  I did pick up a few more tricks though.   Each night, when you're doing the progesterone shots in the butt, ice it for a long time before, then massage it after the injection (because the oil is so thick- it helps disperse it), then use a heating pad.  It helps.  The area will be sore, but you'll be able to walk normally.

For the Lovenox shots in the tummy... I learned it was better to ice it before AND after the injection.  It's going to bruise regardless because it's a blood thinner, but I think icing before and after helped minimize the bruising.  
Here's my proof it helped:  

This is my tummy from this month.  My friend Stacy saw them when they were more bruised, and said I looked like a dalmatian.  ;)

If you remember my last round with the Lovenox shots, I bruised a lot more.  (But was only icing before the shot.)  If you recall this post: 
http://makingababythehardway.blogspot.com/2016/02/purple-is-my-favorite-color-but-not-on.html
We were trying to connect the bruises to look like continents.  This was the best we could do.  ;)

For this round, I didn't really ever get my hopes up.  We just went through the motions.  We did the procedures and the shots.  We didn't talk about baby names or our future.  We just did it.  I know people say there is power in positive thinking, and I know there's some truth to that.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't bear to get my hopes up.  It was so crushing the last time.  So this time I just thought that whatever happened, happened.  If I got pregnant, then I'll deal with it.  If I didn't get pregnant, then I'll deal with it.

The day of our transfer was April 29th.  I couldn't help myself, I did get kind of excited.  Since this was our 2nd time doing this, I knew what to expect.  I knew what was going on more, and wasn't so clueless.  I wanted to take pictures just in case this ended up working.

Here's the picture they gave us of my uterus.  The doctor transfered two good embryos into my uterus.  (Although you can't really see them in the pic.)   They didn't give us this last time, so this was a really cool keepsake.

The waiting period came and went.  I tried my best not to think about the fact that I could be pregnant.  The doctor gave me a 78% chance of a successful pregnancy, and a 40% chance of twins.  I thought those were really good odds.

The morning I was supposed to get my blood drawn for the pregnancy test, I didn't want to go.  I even ended up being late because I was putting off going.  

When the tech called me back and asked me "How are you feeling?"  I said "dread."  (Which technically was what I was feeling, not how I was feeling.  But that was the honest answer.)  She asked why?  I said  "Because we've been down this road before."   She wished me luck, hoping we would have different results this time.

I went back to work after that.  Luckily, it was a busy day.  So I avoided thinking about it most of the day.  Even when the doctor's office called and left the results on the voicemail, I was able to mostly avoid thinking about it.  

  (I made sure to specifically ask them to leave the results, so we didn't have a repeat of last time!)

That evening, we repeated the scenario when hubby got home from work.  We went into the bedroom, knelt down and said a prayer.  Then we stared at my phone for a while.  I asked hubby how he felt.  He said he had a lump in his throat.   I put my phone on speakerphone so we could both hear the voicemail.

It said:  They got the results back, and unfortunately, the results were negative.  And they were so sorry.  And to call the office when we were ready.

We were both silent for a while.  Then I said, "Well, poo!"  (That's my version of swearing I guess.)

Hubby said, "Play it again, maybe we heard it wrong."  I said we didn't hear it wrong.  We talked for a while, and hugged for a while, and eventually fell asleep on the bed.  Later that night, we went to the gym.  Hubby actually works out.  I just walk on the treadmill and watch TV.  But it was nice to be able to do that again.  After the embryo transfer, you are not allowed to exercise until you find out the results.

The next day, hubby brought me flowers and frozen yogurt.  (Which was very sweet, and not something he would normally do.  So that made it special.)

This time didn't hurt as much as last time.  I would still tear up, but it was nothing like last time.  I guess I'm getting used to disappointment.  The news wasn't nearly as painful.  When it was my turn to say our bedtime prayers, I would tell Heavenly Father that I wasn't angry... just sad.   And I asked for strength to help get me through this.

But it was kind of a mixed blessing that I didn't have the results until after Mother's Day.  I technically could have been pregnant on Mother's Day, so it wasn't as difficult as if I had found out the news beforehand.

Here's a meme that I found on lds.org

So... that's my life.  I had a friend ask me if this was a trial of faith for me.

I said no.  It's definitely a trial.  But not of my faith.  It's just something I am supposed to learn and grow from.  So, I'm doing my best to figure this out along the way.  I'm not sure what the Lord has in store for me.  Adoption or getting pregnant with more infertility treatments.  But we'll figure it out one of these days.  In the meantime, I just need to keep moving forward with faith.

Even though this is all over, I'm still sharing it on my blog.  Mainly because my friend Christina encouraged me to keep blogging about it.  As she put it, I needed to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly.  She said (and I know) that I'm not the only one going through trials like these.  And not a lot of people talk about it openly because it is so personal.  So by blogging about it... even the unsuccessful attempts... it may help someone.  So...that's my hope.

I don't have all the answers.  I don't know why things work out the way they do.  But I do know that God is aware of me.  And He has a divine plan for me.  And that I just need to have the faith that things will work out for the best, in God's timeframe.  Not mine.  And in the meantime... I'lll just keep on keeping on.

Waiting... and waiting.... Frozen Embryo Transfer

This meme makes me laugh.  I will admit, I have prayed for patience during this whole ordeal.

As much as I joke about it, I never really felt anxious after the transfer procedure.  I know of other people who had the embryo transfer done, that were going nuts waiting to get the results back.

Not me.  I felt very calm and peaceful.  Which I know is the direct result of so many people praying for me.  Because last year when I was doing all my IUI's each month, I was an emotional wreck.  But last year, I hadn't told people we were going through infertility treatments.  So I was going through it mostly alone.

This year I have been more open about it.   Because it's not something I'm ashamed of anymore.  It's a medical condition.  And not enough people talk about it.  Once I opened up and started blogging about my infertility, I had so many friends message me and tell me they had to do infertility treatments.  I was shocked.  So much so, that now if anyone has twins, I just assume it was probably due to fertility treatments rather than just occurring naturally!

Through-out my life, I have met some really good people (from many different religions).  And now because of social media, we are able to stay in touch even though we live in different parts of the country.  A lot of my friends are Mormon (Latter Day Saints)... just from all the different wards I've been in after college.  (A "ward" is the Mormon word for congregation).  

But I have many friends from almost every religion I can think of.  (and some that don't identify with any religion.)

They are have told me that I have been put on prayer chains, prayed for at mass, and had ministers offer prayers on my behalf, and put my names on a prayer roll at the temple.  All of which I whole-heartedly appreciate.  I figure the more prayers the better.  I love how people can become united in their faith.  Even though we have different belief systems, we all pray to the same God.  (an amusing discussion I had with one of my friends!)  She told me she contacted a Mormon to pray for me!!  LOL.  I reminded her that it doesn't have to be a Mormon that prays for other Mormons.  She could just cut out the middle man and pray for me herself!!  ;)   (Which she has been.)

And I can feel it.  And that's the only reason I can credit feeling calm at a time like this.  Waiting to find out what my future holds.  And I feel peaceful.  It's a huge blessing, and I am thankful to have such good friends.     

Purple is my favorite color- but not on my skin. F.E.T.

Be prepared.  If you're going to do IVF, the Lovenox shot gives you bruises.  And lots of them.

I was forewarned before I started that one of the sub-cutaneous shots (Lovenox) was a blood thinner.  And that I would get bruises from it.  I can honestly say I have no love for Lovenox.  It burns when it goes in.  And the next morning, you get a brand new bruise!   You're supposed to ice before AND after the injection to reduce bruising.

We started it the day after my Frozen Embryo Transfer.   I'm not going to lie.  It's not that fun.   I get a shot of Lovenox in my tummy, and a progesterone intra-muscular shot in butt.  (Rotating sides each night)   

This is actually bruises from 2 separate shots.
But they combined forces to form one big bruise.

The yellow one is the Lovenox- before and after.
The blue tipped one is the Progesterone.

Last year when I was getting some bruises from my injections, I told my hubby to try and make it shaped like a dolphin.  We weren't entirely successful.

These ones are more circular shaped, so we decided to try and re-create a world map of the continents.   As an "artist", it's hard to work with a medium like blood thinners.  This was the best we could do....  I think it's close.  ;)

So.. I'm joking about it now.  But trust me, I already had my melt-down the first night I had to get these shots.  And I realized something.  I pretty much have the mentality of a 3 year old.  In my church, I am one of the Nursery Leaders.  (Which means, I'm in charge of a group of kids age 18 months- 3 years old).   Whenever we get a new kid, they usually cry.   (Because it's new and unfamiliar.)    

We divide our 2 hour block of time into sections.  

1st- Play with Toys.  2nd- Lesson/Snack  

3rd- Singing Time  4th- Play-doh/ Bubbles.   

And never fail.... even if the kid settles down and quits crying during toy time, the second we switch rooms to have snack, he will start crying again!  (Because it's new and they just got comfortable with the situation, and it changed again!)  Even though snack time is awesome.  ;)    

So it dawned on me that I am exactly like my nursery kids.  Right before each new injection, I have a really hard time.  And it usually involves tears.  And it's just because I don't know what to expect.  (Especially if I know it's going to hurt.)  But I've learned that once I get through the first one, it's better.  It doesn't hurt any less, but I can deal better because I know what's coming.  So I fight it less.  And it doesn't take as long for me to agree to let hubby give me the shot.

So... that's the latest on my Lovenox shots.

Frozen Embryo Transfer - FET

Friday was our Frozen Embryo Transfer.  (FET)   It was done at an Outpatient Surgery Center.  (Even though I didn't have to get an IV or anything.)  It's a really short procedure.  (Maybe 5 minutes long.)   You're supposed to drink a lot of water before you go in, so you have a full bladder.  The bladder flattens the uterus, and makes transfer easier.   The procedure didn't hurt, but it was a little uncomfortable.  I think I didn't drink enough water.  (Well, I did... my body just didn't digest it fast enough!!)  Because after I got home, I had to go to the bathroom 3 times.   

This time hubby got to come back in the room with me, and watch the embryo being placed.  Well, kind of.  He was there anyway.  It was hard to see.   We were watching this screen as the doctor inserted the flexible catheter all the way up to the uterus.  It was just normal gray fuzzy ultrasound screen.  But they knew what they were looking at.  Once the bigger one was in, then he put a smaller catheter in through the bigger one to transfer the embryo.  

It was so short, it was kind of anti-climactic!  I didn't even hear when doctor told us when he was putting the embryo in!  (Hubby said he did.)  But I was lying down, and the doctor had a mask on, so all I heard was mumbling.  All I knew is when the nurse said to look at the + on the screen, and that was where they had placed it.  I remember the doctor mumbling about getting it on target.  

So... that was it.  Prior to going back, the nurse had said we could take a picture of the screen, but my hubby had my phone, and it was over so fast, we didn't get a picture of it.  But I'm sure it looks like any other uterus ultrasound pic.  It's hard to tell what you're looking at.  Especially when the embryo is the size of a poppy seed.  So... oh well.  Missed that chance.  But honestly, no one else has a picture of their embryo at time of conception either!  

Because we were down to 1 embryo, the doctor told us our chance of success was 40-42%.   :/   That was a little bit discouraging.  We had a higher percentage before- but I guess that was when we had more embryos to work with.  Anyway... it is what it is.  It's all in God's hands now.  It's His will.  If He wants me to be pregnant, then this fertilized embryo will attach.  If he has another plan for me, then it won't.  But that's tricky to deal with after you've been through so much.

Once we were out in the car, I asked hubby how he felt about it.  He said he got emotional, and got a lump in his throat.  And now we just wait.  And pray.  And hope it's our turn for a miracle. 

Egg Retrieval Surgery- IVF

Last Saturday, I had my egg retrieval surgery.  Strangely, I was kind of looking forward to it, just to get it over with.  It's an out-patient surgery that lasts about 2 hours.  (including recovery)

At night, hubby and I try to kneel down and pray together as a couple before going to bed.  (That's assuming one of us hasn't fallen asleep already- which is usually me.)  When I was praying, I confided to Heavenly Father that I was feeling scared.  And I asked him to bless me with peace and comfort to get through this.   And He did.  I was able to sleep through the night pretty well.

That morning, I had hubby give me a priesthood blessing.  He not only blessed me, but also blessed the doctors, and those that would be working with me.  I felt at peace while driving to the hospital.

FYI- I have a history of being uncooperative with hospitals.  When I was 14 and needed surgery, they had me go into the bathroom to change into a hospital gown.  I locked myself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out.  The poor nurse kept knocking on the door.  "Honey... it there anything I can help you with?"  Nope.   It took them a while to convince me to open that door.   Now, looking back on that, I realized how far behind I must have thrown that doctor's schedule by doing that.  But - oh well.  They had even more trouble trying to get me to cooperate to get the IV in too.  I just get freaked out by needles.

 So now that I'm an adult (or at least pretend to be), I find ways to work around that.  For example, I have them cover up the IV with not just surgical tape, but wrap my hand with a towel or coband.

When they had me go into the bathroom to change into the ugly hospital gown, I had a flashback of my childhood.  I could just lock myself in here again.  As I changed, the words of the church hymn "I Need Thee Every Hour" came into my head.  And I changed them, I prayed in my head that I didn't just need Him every hour, I needed Him right now... to get through this.  I took a deep breath, and went out to face my fate.  My supportive hubby sat in the chair next to me.

The nurse that put my IV in was very compassionate and patient.  She told me I could take a minute.  (Probably because I kept pulling my hand away.)  But eventually, I let them put the IV in.  (But I wouldn't look at it until they covered it up.)

While the nurse was doing the in-take questionnaire, hubby had to leave to go do his part.  (He had to provide semen, so that the embryologist would have fresh sperm to inject into the retrieved eggs.)  He gave me a hug and a kiss before he left.  And I was by myself.

After the paperwork, they had me walk back to the operating room.  I didn't like that.  They had tools on a tray, and I could feel my anxiety rising.  They had me lie on the table and cross my arms on my chest, while they wrapped me tight in a blanket and strapped my legs in.  I felt my body clenching up.  I kept thinking "Knock me out, knock me out!  I don't want to see this!!"

Soon after that, they did.  They put the oxygen mask on, which was good because I think I was starting to breathe harder.  And not much longer after that, I was under.  And it was better.

I woke up later and Devon was beside my bed.  I was sore, but it didn't really hurt too much.  But I was a little nauseous.  But they gave me something for that which helped a lot.  They gave me a prescription for Percocet for when I went home.

Hubby said I slept all the way home.  He helped me to the couch, and I stayed there for the rest of the day.  I ate soup and apple juice all day.  And some noodles for dinner.  I felt so much better after the surgery was over.  I was sore, but since they drained all the fluid from each follicle, the overly bloated/ sick feeling was gone.  And my tummy didn't hurt like it had previously.

So I was glad that surgery was done.  Part 1 - Done.

I have a good dog.  She stayed by my side all day, just to make sure I was okay.  <3