It was a very long, emotional process that started with an IVF consult in October, and ended in February with a blood test. After all that, I found out I wasn't pregnant. And I was heart-broken. That was so much work. So much blood, sweat, and tears. Appointments, procedures, surgeries. So many shots, pills, suppositories every day. All to achieve the dream of having a baby. But it didn't work. I felt like I had a run a marathon, and then didn't get the prize at the end.
I thought I was done with infertility. But when are you ever done? How do you know when to stop?
I reconnected with the adoption agency I was working with. I got our paperwork back up-to-date. But then... you just wait. And I hate waiting. I need to be doing something...
Meanwhile, my hubby wanted to give the Frozen Embryo Transfer another try. This time with a donor embryo... to see if we might have more success with that. So I agreed. I wasn't super excited about it. I just thought I would do it to see what happens.
At the time, I thought about blogging about it. But I didn't feel motivated to do it. I was really gun-shy. It was so painful the last time- telling everyone that it didn't work. So I thought I would keep it a secret this time. And just tell people after I got pregnant.
My drug regiment was almost identical to the last time. I did pick up a few more tricks though. Each night, when you're doing the progesterone shots in the butt, ice it for a long time before, then massage it after the injection (because the oil is so thick- it helps disperse it), then use a heating pad. It helps. The area will be sore, but you'll be able to walk normally.
For the Lovenox shots in the tummy... I learned it was better to ice it before AND after the injection. It's going to bruise regardless because it's a blood thinner, but I think icing before and after helped minimize the bruising.
Here's my proof it helped:
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| This is my tummy from this month. My friend Stacy saw them when they were more bruised, and said I looked like a dalmatian. ;) If you remember my last round with the Lovenox shots, I bruised a lot more. (But was only icing before the shot.) If you recall this post: http://makingababythehardway.blogspot.com/2016/02/purple-is-my-favorite-color-but-not-on.html We were trying to connect the bruises to look like continents. This was the best we could do. ;) |
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The day of our transfer was April 29th. I couldn't help myself, I did get kind of excited. Since this was our 2nd time doing this, I knew what to expect. I knew what was going on more, and wasn't so clueless. I wanted to take pictures just in case this ended up working.
Here's the picture they gave us of my uterus. The doctor transfered two good embryos into my uterus. (Although you can't really see them in the pic.) They didn't give us this last time, so this was a really cool keepsake.
The waiting period came and went. I tried my best not to think about the fact that I could be pregnant. The doctor gave me a 78% chance of a successful pregnancy, and a 40% chance of twins. I thought those were really good odds.
The morning I was supposed to get my blood drawn for the pregnancy test, I didn't want to go. I even ended up being late because I was putting off going.
When the tech called me back and asked me "How are you feeling?" I said "dread." (Which technically was what I was feeling, not how I was feeling. But that was the honest answer.) She asked why? I said "Because we've been down this road before." She wished me luck, hoping we would have different results this time.
I went back to work after that. Luckily, it was a busy day. So I avoided thinking about it most of the day. Even when the doctor's office called and left the results on the voicemail, I was able to mostly avoid thinking about it.
(I made sure to specifically ask them to leave the results, so we didn't have a repeat of last time!)
That evening, we repeated the scenario when hubby got home from work. We went into the bedroom, knelt down and said a prayer. Then we stared at my phone for a while. I asked hubby how he felt. He said he had a lump in his throat. I put my phone on speakerphone so we could both hear the voicemail.
It said: They got the results back, and unfortunately, the results were negative. And they were so sorry. And to call the office when we were ready.
We were both silent for a while. Then I said, "Well, poo!" (That's my version of swearing I guess.)
Hubby said, "Play it again, maybe we heard it wrong." I said we didn't hear it wrong. We talked for a while, and hugged for a while, and eventually fell asleep on the bed. Later that night, we went to the gym. Hubby actually works out. I just walk on the treadmill and watch TV. But it was nice to be able to do that again. After the embryo transfer, you are not allowed to exercise until you find out the results.
The next day, hubby brought me flowers and frozen yogurt. (Which was very sweet, and not something he would normally do. So that made it special.)
This time didn't hurt as much as last time. I would still tear up, but it was nothing like last time. I guess I'm getting used to disappointment. The news wasn't nearly as painful. When it was my turn to say our bedtime prayers, I would tell Heavenly Father that I wasn't angry... just sad. And I asked for strength to help get me through this.
But it was kind of a mixed blessing that I didn't have the results until after Mother's Day. I technically could have been pregnant on Mother's Day, so it wasn't as difficult as if I had found out the news beforehand.
Here's a meme that I found on lds.org
So... that's my life. I had a friend ask me if this was a trial of faith for me.
I said no. It's definitely a trial. But not of my faith. It's just something I am supposed to learn and grow from. So, I'm doing my best to figure this out along the way. I'm not sure what the Lord has in store for me. Adoption or getting pregnant with more infertility treatments. But we'll figure it out one of these days. In the meantime, I just need to keep moving forward with faith.
Even though this is all over, I'm still sharing it on my blog. Mainly because my friend Christina encouraged me to keep blogging about it. As she put it, I needed to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly. She said (and I know) that I'm not the only one going through trials like these. And not a lot of people talk about it openly because it is so personal. So by blogging about it... even the unsuccessful attempts... it may help someone. So...that's my hope.
I don't have all the answers. I don't know why things work out the way they do. But I do know that God is aware of me. And He has a divine plan for me. And that I just need to have the faith that things will work out for the best, in God's timeframe. Not mine. And in the meantime... I'lll just keep on keeping on.
