Transfer Day- FET

Today was the big day.  It's kind of nice having done this a few times before, so you know exactly what to expect.  It's not nerve-wracking.  You can smile and joke around with nurses.  You can tell the couple checking into the surgery center was there for the first time.  They were very tense.  And it was all new and scary.  Yep.  Been there.  Done that.  It is very scary when you don't know what to expect.

But I had the same staff- saw the same faces, the same x-ray tech.  This was our 3rd time doing this, so it was pretty straight-forward.  Dr. Craig gave us a 68-70% success rate, with a 40% chance of twins.  He asked me before he put the two embryos in if I was okay with multiples.  I said of course!  Then I'd be done!

Jaz (my dog) always knows when something is up.  You're on "couch rest" for the first 48 hours after the transfer.  Jaz decided she wanted to lay on my back, because... why not??  Day 2 of "couch rest" is always the hardest for me.  I get kind of stir-crazy.  I can only watch so much TV.  Then I want to go do something... but I can't.  And knowing that I can't makes me even more stir-crazy!  :P

But I stayed down.  I had arranged for friends to come visit, so I had someone to talk to.  We played games, watched movies, and just chatted.  And tried not to think too much about the future.

Here we go again...

So... guess what... we're at it again.

Third time is the charm right??  Well, this will be our third Frozen Embryo Transfer.  (Before that we did IVF, before that IUI's, before that random surgeries and procedures, and before that we just tried having intercourse like "normal" people.  Nothing's worked so far.  But this time will be different.

1)  Because it will work and I will become pregnant.

-or-

2) Because this is for sure the last time we'll be doing any infertility treatments.

So, there are 2 ways to play this.  The first time we did this (Round 1), I was very open about every step of the process  That way, everyone knew what was going on, and I didn't have to answer so many questions.  Also, I wrote down my experiences in the hopes that this might help someone else reading it who struggled with infertility.  But I was expecting it to work.  And after a very public emotional roller-coaster, I had to publicly acknowledge my broken, aching heart.  And that was difficult to go through.

Round 2- I kept to myself.  Only the people involved knew I was trying it again.  Same routine, same shots, same appointments.  I had better odds this time.  2 good fertilized embryos were implanted in me.   But it had the same result.  Unsuccessful.  The recovery process was a little bit easier, simply because I had been through it before, so I didn't really get my hopes up.  And also because I didn't have to face the world with my negative results.  

Side Note: I'm not going to call them failures, because I didn't fail.  I had a very insensitive elderly gentleman say to me:  "I heard you failed".  At the time, I was confused what he was talking about.  So I said "Failed at what?"  He said, "You didn't get pregnant."  That totally caught me off-guard.  I forgot that I had told him and his wife that we were doing infertility treatments last year, and I hadn't seen them in 6 months.  I did my best not to get infuriated because were were in a public place.  I downplayed it, and said it didn't work out.  Then I changed the subject.  But inside I was fired up.  I DID NOT FAIL!  I did EVERY SINGLE THING that was asked of me.  I went through every procedure.  I took every pill, got every shot, blood draw, ultrasound, suppository, procedure, etc.  So far, I've had 3 fertilized embryos implanted inside me, and they haven't stuck around.  Bu that has nothing to do with me.  I did everything I could to make those work.  So no, I did not fail.  It took me a while to simmer down from that one.  (I guess it's still kind of sensitive subject.)  Note to others:  Don't say that to a person going through infertility treatments.  Not a good idea.

So that brings us to Round 3.  And I debated whether to endure it privately or go through it publicly this time.  And I think a mixture of both.  I'll share when I'm ready.  In the meantime, I would kindly request that you don't ask.  (If I don't bring it up.)  Like I said, I'll share when I'm ready.

But after talking with a friend of mine, I realized I needed to write this blog for others who are going through infertility.  My friend "J" had sent me an email saying how she had been suffering with infertility for the past 2 years, just very privately.  And it made me realize that I need to write this, so people know they are not alone.  And that this is very common.  The statistic is 1 in 8 women will have trouble conceiving.  (for a large variety of reasons)  And it just makes you feel better knowing you are not the only one going through this.  

So that's why I'm sharing again.  To help others understand the complex world of infertility- where they speak a whole different language made up mainly of acronyms.  (IUI, IVF, EMD, HSG, RE)  It's scary and hard to navigate, so it's helpful to have someone who has been down that road before.  (I had several friends who did this for me.)  So I am just returning the favor.

Waiting... and waiting.... Frozen Embryo Transfer

This meme makes me laugh.  I will admit, I have prayed for patience during this whole ordeal.

As much as I joke about it, I never really felt anxious after the transfer procedure.  I know of other people who had the embryo transfer done, that were going nuts waiting to get the results back.

Not me.  I felt very calm and peaceful.  Which I know is the direct result of so many people praying for me.  Because last year when I was doing all my IUI's each month, I was an emotional wreck.  But last year, I hadn't told people we were going through infertility treatments.  So I was going through it mostly alone.

This year I have been more open about it.   Because it's not something I'm ashamed of anymore.  It's a medical condition.  And not enough people talk about it.  Once I opened up and started blogging about my infertility, I had so many friends message me and tell me they had to do infertility treatments.  I was shocked.  So much so, that now if anyone has twins, I just assume it was probably due to fertility treatments rather than just occurring naturally!

Through-out my life, I have met some really good people (from many different religions).  And now because of social media, we are able to stay in touch even though we live in different parts of the country.  A lot of my friends are Mormon (Latter Day Saints)... just from all the different wards I've been in after college.  (A "ward" is the Mormon word for congregation).  

But I have many friends from almost every religion I can think of.  (and some that don't identify with any religion.)

They are have told me that I have been put on prayer chains, prayed for at mass, and had ministers offer prayers on my behalf, and put my names on a prayer roll at the temple.  All of which I whole-heartedly appreciate.  I figure the more prayers the better.  I love how people can become united in their faith.  Even though we have different belief systems, we all pray to the same God.  (an amusing discussion I had with one of my friends!)  She told me she contacted a Mormon to pray for me!!  LOL.  I reminded her that it doesn't have to be a Mormon that prays for other Mormons.  She could just cut out the middle man and pray for me herself!!  ;)   (Which she has been.)

And I can feel it.  And that's the only reason I can credit feeling calm at a time like this.  Waiting to find out what my future holds.  And I feel peaceful.  It's a huge blessing, and I am thankful to have such good friends.     

Purple is my favorite color- but not on my skin. F.E.T.

Be prepared.  If you're going to do IVF, the Lovenox shot gives you bruises.  And lots of them.

I was forewarned before I started that one of the sub-cutaneous shots (Lovenox) was a blood thinner.  And that I would get bruises from it.  I can honestly say I have no love for Lovenox.  It burns when it goes in.  And the next morning, you get a brand new bruise!   You're supposed to ice before AND after the injection to reduce bruising.

We started it the day after my Frozen Embryo Transfer.   I'm not going to lie.  It's not that fun.   I get a shot of Lovenox in my tummy, and a progesterone intra-muscular shot in butt.  (Rotating sides each night)   

This is actually bruises from 2 separate shots.
But they combined forces to form one big bruise.

The yellow one is the Lovenox- before and after.
The blue tipped one is the Progesterone.

Last year when I was getting some bruises from my injections, I told my hubby to try and make it shaped like a dolphin.  We weren't entirely successful.

These ones are more circular shaped, so we decided to try and re-create a world map of the continents.   As an "artist", it's hard to work with a medium like blood thinners.  This was the best we could do....  I think it's close.  ;)

So.. I'm joking about it now.  But trust me, I already had my melt-down the first night I had to get these shots.  And I realized something.  I pretty much have the mentality of a 3 year old.  In my church, I am one of the Nursery Leaders.  (Which means, I'm in charge of a group of kids age 18 months- 3 years old).   Whenever we get a new kid, they usually cry.   (Because it's new and unfamiliar.)    

We divide our 2 hour block of time into sections.  

1st- Play with Toys.  2nd- Lesson/Snack  

3rd- Singing Time  4th- Play-doh/ Bubbles.   

And never fail.... even if the kid settles down and quits crying during toy time, the second we switch rooms to have snack, he will start crying again!  (Because it's new and they just got comfortable with the situation, and it changed again!)  Even though snack time is awesome.  ;)    

So it dawned on me that I am exactly like my nursery kids.  Right before each new injection, I have a really hard time.  And it usually involves tears.  And it's just because I don't know what to expect.  (Especially if I know it's going to hurt.)  But I've learned that once I get through the first one, it's better.  It doesn't hurt any less, but I can deal better because I know what's coming.  So I fight it less.  And it doesn't take as long for me to agree to let hubby give me the shot.

So... that's the latest on my Lovenox shots.

Modified Bed Rest and Sweet Friends

After the Frozen Embryo Transfer, the doctor told me I was on "Princess Status" or "Coach Potato Status" to give the embryo a chance to implant.  So basically, I got to hang out on the couch for a long time.  (Either sitting or reclining)  Other people would think this sounds awesome, but for me it was pretty difficult at first.  It was hard to stay down.  There was all this stuff I could be doing, but I had to stay put.  I had books, movies, and Netflix.  But that got boring.

  For the first 72 hours, all I was allowed to do was pretty much go to the bathroom.   It's hard to be humble enough to let someone else wait on you hand and foot.  Especially because I'm used to being so independent.  But I let my hubby take care of me, and I got through it.  (Again, other people might love the idea, but I felt guilty for sitting there while he was doing everything.)

After the first 72 hour period, the restrictions eased up a little bit.  And I could move around more, get a snack, but basically still had to take it easy.  At that point, hubby had to go back to work, so it was a good thing I could get food for myself!

I also had some very sweet friends and family that came to visit to help make my week of being home-bound more bearable.  I was very spoiled with visits, food, and gifts.

On Friday, my sister was the first to come visit and brought me a gift and a card that read "I hope this keeps you entertained for at least 20 minutes."  And it was bubble wrap!!  LOL.  And yes, I did spend half a day popping the bubbles while I read or watched TV.  It gave my hands something to do.

One of my best friends spent all of Saturday playing games with me.  We set up a card table outside so I could get some fresh air.  (I was allowed to sit)   So they set it up, and I just sat there, and it was sooooo nice to be outside.

My sis-in-law brought me a milkshake and a Cafe Rio salad.

On Sunday, my co-worker brought me a goodie bag with treats and a My Little Pony coloring book.  (This is so me!!)

On Sunday evening, my parents came to visit.  And my best friend grilled my hubby and I a delicious dinner!  (It was way better than anything I could have made, even if I was allowed to get up!!)

By Monday, I was feeling really stir-crazy.   But one of my other dear friends called me (and we talked for an hour), then ended up bringing me a sub sandwich and rented me a Netflix movie.  I felt much better after talking to her.

Tuesday, another friend came over and played games with me.  We ordered pizza and watched Muppets.

Wednesday, I mainly read a book all day, and talked with my aunt.

Thursday, Devon's sister came to visit.   Then that evening, a friend brought dinner over, showed me how to do Indexing (a project that helps people do family history), then we watched Big Bang Theory together.

Friday, I was officially done with modified bedrest.  But I still took it easy.  I'm on restricted physical activities.  I'm not supposed to push/pull/pick up more than 15 lbs.  (per my doctor) 

So... now it's just a waiting game.  But regardless of the outcome, I have to say how grateful I am to have such supportive and wonderful friends and family!!!!  <3

LOL! Awkward conversations...

Samantha cracks me up.  I'm at home on modified bed rest after my recent procedure.  

I work at the front desk of a busy office, and she is covering for me this week.  Here's what she's been texting me...

LOL!!!   I love my friends... they keep me laughing... :)

Frozen Embryo Transfer - FET

Friday was our Frozen Embryo Transfer.  (FET)   It was done at an Outpatient Surgery Center.  (Even though I didn't have to get an IV or anything.)  It's a really short procedure.  (Maybe 5 minutes long.)   You're supposed to drink a lot of water before you go in, so you have a full bladder.  The bladder flattens the uterus, and makes transfer easier.   The procedure didn't hurt, but it was a little uncomfortable.  I think I didn't drink enough water.  (Well, I did... my body just didn't digest it fast enough!!)  Because after I got home, I had to go to the bathroom 3 times.   

This time hubby got to come back in the room with me, and watch the embryo being placed.  Well, kind of.  He was there anyway.  It was hard to see.   We were watching this screen as the doctor inserted the flexible catheter all the way up to the uterus.  It was just normal gray fuzzy ultrasound screen.  But they knew what they were looking at.  Once the bigger one was in, then he put a smaller catheter in through the bigger one to transfer the embryo.  

It was so short, it was kind of anti-climactic!  I didn't even hear when doctor told us when he was putting the embryo in!  (Hubby said he did.)  But I was lying down, and the doctor had a mask on, so all I heard was mumbling.  All I knew is when the nurse said to look at the + on the screen, and that was where they had placed it.  I remember the doctor mumbling about getting it on target.  

So... that was it.  Prior to going back, the nurse had said we could take a picture of the screen, but my hubby had my phone, and it was over so fast, we didn't get a picture of it.  But I'm sure it looks like any other uterus ultrasound pic.  It's hard to tell what you're looking at.  Especially when the embryo is the size of a poppy seed.  So... oh well.  Missed that chance.  But honestly, no one else has a picture of their embryo at time of conception either!  

Because we were down to 1 embryo, the doctor told us our chance of success was 40-42%.   :/   That was a little bit discouraging.  We had a higher percentage before- but I guess that was when we had more embryos to work with.  Anyway... it is what it is.  It's all in God's hands now.  It's His will.  If He wants me to be pregnant, then this fertilized embryo will attach.  If he has another plan for me, then it won't.  But that's tricky to deal with after you've been through so much.

Once we were out in the car, I asked hubby how he felt about it.  He said he got emotional, and got a lump in his throat.  And now we just wait.  And pray.  And hope it's our turn for a miracle. 

Snow babies

It looks like we're getting ready to rob a bank, but we're actually trying to not freeze our noses off!  It was 18 degrees up north!

We went skiing this weekend!!  (One of my favorite things to do!!)   Knowing that I will be on restricted physical activities after the embryo transfer, I had to get in one last trip.  We had to plan it around my doctor appointments (which are every other week.)  So it was this weekend or never!

The snow was perfect!!  It had just stormed before we drove up, but that Saturday it was beautiful.  I'm so glad we went!  I'm just assuming I am getting pregnant next month, so this was our last hurrah.

It was REALLY COLD up on the mountain.  And I told hubby that this was what our embryo felt like in the freezer!!  ;)

It was a little adventurous remembering my drug schedule while traveling!  I had the opportunity to moon several people at the rest stops!  (Kind of)  It takes some creativity to do the shots while on the road.    We stopped at Subway to get food, and ice (that I put in a ziplock bag).  I held the ice on my butt while we drove for a while, and when it was time... we pulled over and hubby gave me a shot in the butt.  (It quite the interesting endeavor.)   We tried to park away from people, but we got some interesting looks from other people at the rest stops!

On the ride up there, we were talking about our possible future kid, and who they would look like.  We were talking about our genes, and what color eyes/ hair/ etc our baby would have.  We talked about our dominant and recessive traits.  

We were joking around, and hubby figured out why we weren't able to get pregnant thus far!   

 I laughed so hard when my hubby said (Speaking for our genes).. "We can't BOTH be dominant!!  One of us has to be recessive!!"  So- that explains why I've had difficulty getting pregnant.  In a normal month, our male/ female genes don't have enough time to negotiate the terms of the future baby.  (Because we're both pretty stubborn!)

But if you stick that embryo in the freezer for a month or two to chill out... that ought to be enough time for them to come to a decision!!  ;)   So therefore using that logic, this Frozen Embryo Transfer is going to be successful.  ;)

Baseline appointment

One day that's going to have a baby in there! 

(Hopefully!  That's the plan anyway.)

This sounds weird, but lately I've started thinking this is going to work.  And it's going to result in pregnancy.  I know that sounds weird, because why would I go through all this if I didn't think it was going to work??

 Before my thought process was that we're running out of time, so this is my last resort.  I'll try it, and if it works, it works.  And if it doesn't, then at least I'll have closure.  And be able to move on.  So this was just kind of an experiment.  And I wasn't putting any emotional investment into it.  (any more than I had to.)  Especially since now we're down to only one embryo to work with.

But for whatever reason, lately I've started thinking/ believing that it will take and I'll get pregnant.  I know we only have one left, but all I need is one embryo to get pregnant.

Last Friday, I had a "baseline" appointment.  The usual blood draw and ultrasound.

They called me in the afternoon, and my hormone levels are looking good.

This is the start of the FET cycle (page 2 of my complicated Excel drug spreadsheet.)

That means we're on the downhill stretch!  :)    OK, weeks and weeks of the downhill stretch.   But each shot I get is one less that I ever have to do again.  (If that makes sense.)

 Last week, I started the Lupron shots again, and then Sunday I added the Neupogen shot too.  

I ice the area before I get the shots to numb it.  It helps.  These ones have little needles (30 gage).  So most nights, it's not too bad.  (Sometimes they go in easier than others.)  These are all sub-cutaneous.  My bad ones don't start for 2 more weeks.  (The Lovenox is a blood thinner, so I've heard it gives you bruises.  And the Progesterone shot is intra-muscular.)   :P  But I don't have to do those yet.

Besides the crazy drug schedule, things have been pretty positive.  I've been trying to be more thankful during this trial in my life.  And I think it's helping.  I'm thankful Devon knows how to even give shots.  (Because if he was a sissy like me, we wouldn't even be able to attempt this.)  I'm thankful these medicines exist, so I at least have a chance of trying to get pregnant.  I'm thankful for the peace that can come when I get a priesthood blessing (special prayer) from my hubby.  I'm thankful this trial has brought my hubby and I closer together as a couple.  I'm thankful for Devon's patience with me when I'm not ready to get the shots.  And I'm thankful I have wonderfully supportive friends and family.  So... right now... things are going pretty good.

I have my moments.  Like when I was at the store on Saturday, when I saw a young mom with her stroller carrying twins.  I got a twinge of jealousy.  But then I realized what I was doing.  I was being envious.  And I need to count my blessings.  And not compare myself to others.  I am where I am in my life for a reason.  Time to focus on the good things in my life.  And be patient.  Good things come to those who wait.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5

Popsicle babies- Hans and Anna

Once I had some time to kind of come to terms with being down to 2 embryos...  I started joking around again.  (Sometimes I'm okay with it, sometimes I'm not.)  But I'm getting to the point where I can talk about it.  Previously, I had been referring to my frozen embryos as my popsicle babies.  

But now that we were down to 2, I jokingly named them Hans and Anna.   

Hans- for Han Solo (from the movie Return of the Jedi)

And Anna-  (from the movie Frozen)

These are the only 2 that I could think of that were frozen, but everything still turned out okay in the end.

At my first appointment, the doctor measured my uterus and told me I had enough room to carry twins.  I've always wanted twins.  So the idea of having Hans and Anna chilling out in the freezer made me happy.  It was a possibility.  

My 2 embryos that continued growing were up to 50 cells, and that's when they freeze them.  We are doing a frozen embryo transfer.  (FET)   That's what my doctor recommended for me.  (and I know several friends who were able to get pregnant using a FET.)

Other people do a fresh embryo transfer.  (Which means that they do the surgery, then about 4 days later, transfer the fertilized embryos back in.)  From what I've been told, that's a little rough.

Because I was doing a frozen embryo transfer, I was able to take Advil and other meds after my retrieval surgery.  So the recovery wasn't bad at all.

If you decide to do any genetic testing, you have to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer, because they need time to test them.  We opted to do the genetic testing, due to many factors.   I'm only doing this once.  I don't want to do another IVF cycle.  They're expensive.  It takes a huge emotional toll.  They're a pain in the butt  (literally and figuratively).  So I want to find out which embryo has the best chance of going full-term if I get pregnant.  

The odds are never in my favor.

It was about a week later, and I hadn't heard from my doctor's office about how our 6 embryos were doing.  So I called them today. 

Through the process of natural selection, some of the embryos will just quit growing.  So I was curious how many we had.

 They called me back that night, and I put it on speaker phone so my husband could hear the conversation.

The lady told me that I had 2 embryos that survived.  (out of my 6)   My heart kind of stopped for a minute.

She was upbeat about it.  She said they were rated "good" and "good to fair".

(The rating system goes Very Good/ Good/ Good to Fair/ Fair to Poor/ Poor.)  So the 2 embryos I had scored pretty high.  So she felt like that looked promising when it came time to transfer.

When we were talking on the phone, it was mostly good.  We talked about the next phase.  I'm supposed to call on Cycle Day 1 (which should be this week), and then I'll be back on birth control for a while.  And then we'll talk about doing the transfer in January.

After we hung up, my husband and I hugged.  He said that was kind of mixed news.  (We only got 2 embryos, but they got pretty good ratings.)  

I started getting teared up a little bit.  I said I was excited about our 2 embryos, but it still hurts that we only had 2 out of the 6 survive.  The rest quit growing.  I know it was part of the natural selection that they warned us about.  But we were still crushed.  We were really hoping/ praying for 3 or 4 to make it.

Only having 2 embryos to work with means we only get one chance at this.  They will implant them both and see if one or both take.  I was really hoping for some back-up ones.  Because knowing my luck, they wouldn't take.  And all of this would have been for nothing.   Well, not for nothing.  It's brought my husband and I closer.  And I've learned to face my fear of needles.  (I won't say overcome, but I face it grudgingly.)  And we will finally get closure about whether or not my body can conceive children.

But it's heart-breaking.  And I started crying.  A little bit.  Then a lot.  Then I told my husband I needed to go lie down because I was getting light-headed.  I went to lie down on the bed. I started coughing.  And crying.  And coughing, and crying.  And sobbing.   Hubby came in and held me while I cried.  I felt like I was broken.  I felt like no matter what I do, I can't conceive a child.  I told him I was sorry I can't give him a baby.  I felt like I was denying him opportunities to be a dad.  He told me he didn't see it that way.  He said we were just doing the best we could with what we had been given.  I told him I hadn't been given very much to work with.  He didn't say anything.

I cried for while, and he continued to hold me.  I started thinking about how it was a numbers game, and I was not in general a lucky person.  I feel like I am a very blessed person.  And I was very lucky to have met Devon, and have him in my life.  But in general, I'm not lucky.  I'm not one of those people.  If we are drawing names out of a hat, it's not going to be mine.  But that's ok.  In fact, if something can go wrong, it usually does.  And in other parts of my life, I just deal with it and joke about it.   But this hurts too much to joke about.

But then a thought came into my mind.  This wasn't a numbers game.  It wasn't playing the odds.  And no amount of bad luck is going to influence the outcome one way or another.  I have no control over the outcome.  This is all in Heavenly Father's hands.  This was by divine design that I only had 2 embryos survive.  And that was His choice, on purpose.  I had nothing to do with it.  So I needed to stop blaming myself and my body for things that were out of my control.  Whatever was going to happen was going to happen.  And it was by divine design.  So that's just the way it is.

Eventually, I started breathing regularly again.  And we went and got some dinner.  And turned on the TV to distract me, and tried to forget about it for a while.