Where do we go from here?

So... now the question is where do we go from here?

Hubby and I had a consult with my doctor's office last Monday.

He told us there were 3 possible reasons why our In Vitro Fertilization wasn't successful.

1)  Just bad luck.  The odds were 42% chance of a successful pregnancy, which left 58% chance of not getting pregnant.   
2)  Maybe I did get pregnant, and my immune system attacked it... causing me to miscarry before the first pregnancy test.
3)  Maybe I was pregnant, and there was a small blood clot that although would be non-harmful to me, could have blocked the embryo from receiving nutrients, and caused miscarriage.

There are tests he could do to determine what happened, but at this point, why bother?

Looking towards the future, he told us about our options.

1) Do nothing.
2) Try the fertility drug Femara and do a trigger shot to ovulate at a certain time.  (with timed intercourse)
3) Try the fertility drug Femara and do an IUI.  (Artificial Fertilization)
4) Try In Vitro fertilization again (IVF).  He felt like he could change up my drug protocol and probably get me 2 embryos to implant which would improve my odds.
5) Use a donor egg, and hubby's sperm to create an embryo
6) Do a donor embryo transfer.  (Adopt a left-over embryo from someone else's IVF cycle)

Here's how I feel about it each option...

1) Maybe we should quit trying infertility treatments.   Maybe this means we should pursue traditional adoption.  But how do you know when to stop?  How do you know how much to invest before you quit?  I don't know the answer.  Maybe we aren't supposed to have kids.  But if that's my dream, I feel like there's a way to accomplish it.  And I'm not quite ready to give up on my dream yet.

2)  and 3)  No thanks.  We did a lot of IUI's last year.  And they didn't work.   Besides, we already tried IVF.  This would be like taking a step backwards.   

4)  I'm done with IVF.  I don't want to go through that egg retrieval surgery again.  Especially given that we had a really low success rate every step of the way.  It's expensive.  I didn't get very many eggs.  Only 1 of my embryos survived, and that one didn't take.  Maybe if we had gotten more eggs out of it, I'd be willing to try it again.  But I think this means my body doesn't want to cooperate.

5) I would be fine with using a donor egg w/ hubby's sperm, and implanting it in me... if it weren't for the price tag!!  That was THE most expensive option there was!    You're basically paying for you and another woman to do IVF.  There was no way I was comfortable with gambling with that amount of money.  It's hard enough to digest how much we are already spending on our own treatments.

6)  This is one option that we were actually considering.  Adopt an embryo.  It's a cross between adoption and pregnancy.  They have a spreadsheet of anonymous donors.  The spreadsheet has age, physical characteristics, etc.  Here's what a sample one looks like:  http://fertilitytreatmentcenter.com/EmbryoDonatio%20Database.pdf

   These are couples that have done In Vitro cycles, are done having their families, and that have left-over embryos.  They have chosen to donate them to the fertility clinic to help out other couples.  It's like adoption- because you have someone else's sperm and egg (fertilized embryo) inside you.  But the benefits are- that you control the pregnancy.  I control all the pre-natal care my baby would receive.  I personally don't smoke, drink, or do drugs.  I would take all the necessary pre-natal vitamins,etc.   I would give birth to the baby, so I already have parental rights.  (And I don't have to wait to be chosen for adoption, or worry if the birth mom will change her mind.)  Plus, it's about 1/3 the cost of traditional adoption.    So... we went home to consider this.

That evening, hubby and I were talking about our options.  We were seriously looking into the Adopt-An-Embryo program.  Looking at the spreadsheet, there was a set of good embryos that we were interested in.  But when I emailed the IVF coordinator on Tues morning, she informed me that that specific set had been reserved the night before.  :(  

I was disappointed all over again.  It feels like this part of my life is about learning to deal with disappointments.... big and small.

I have had 3 well-meaning friends/ family members offer to be a surrogate for me.  But that's not even an option.  I'm out of embryos. That's super expensive.   Plus, I don't know that I could put a friend/ family member through all that.  They have no idea what they are offering.  It's pretty intense.  It's months of doctor appointments, drugs, shots, procedures.  I went through it.  It wasn't that fun, I promise.  I don't think I would put another person through that.  

So now... back to the drawing board.  I keep praying that the Lord will help me find what direction I'm supposed to go with this.  Am I supposed to have kids?  Am I not supposed to have my own kids?  Should I keep trying infertility treatments?  Should we focus on regular adoption?   I know when one door closes, another opens.  And I'm willing to move forward... I just wish I didn't have to have so many doors slammed in my face to find the right one for me.

So for right now, I'm working on getting my house ready for the home study.  (We had already started the process of getting certified for adoption last year, but took a break to try the IVF.)  We did the fingers prints, background checks, and physicals.  We just needed to meet with the Adoption Agency a few more times, and complete our home study.  So I guess that's my new focus.

  And try to figure out where to go from here.

Purple is my favorite color- but not on my skin. F.E.T.

Be prepared.  If you're going to do IVF, the Lovenox shot gives you bruises.  And lots of them.

I was forewarned before I started that one of the sub-cutaneous shots (Lovenox) was a blood thinner.  And that I would get bruises from it.  I can honestly say I have no love for Lovenox.  It burns when it goes in.  And the next morning, you get a brand new bruise!   You're supposed to ice before AND after the injection to reduce bruising.

We started it the day after my Frozen Embryo Transfer.   I'm not going to lie.  It's not that fun.   I get a shot of Lovenox in my tummy, and a progesterone intra-muscular shot in butt.  (Rotating sides each night)   

This is actually bruises from 2 separate shots.
But they combined forces to form one big bruise.

The yellow one is the Lovenox- before and after.
The blue tipped one is the Progesterone.

Last year when I was getting some bruises from my injections, I told my hubby to try and make it shaped like a dolphin.  We weren't entirely successful.

These ones are more circular shaped, so we decided to try and re-create a world map of the continents.   As an "artist", it's hard to work with a medium like blood thinners.  This was the best we could do....  I think it's close.  ;)

So.. I'm joking about it now.  But trust me, I already had my melt-down the first night I had to get these shots.  And I realized something.  I pretty much have the mentality of a 3 year old.  In my church, I am one of the Nursery Leaders.  (Which means, I'm in charge of a group of kids age 18 months- 3 years old).   Whenever we get a new kid, they usually cry.   (Because it's new and unfamiliar.)    

We divide our 2 hour block of time into sections.  

1st- Play with Toys.  2nd- Lesson/Snack  

3rd- Singing Time  4th- Play-doh/ Bubbles.   

And never fail.... even if the kid settles down and quits crying during toy time, the second we switch rooms to have snack, he will start crying again!  (Because it's new and they just got comfortable with the situation, and it changed again!)  Even though snack time is awesome.  ;)    

So it dawned on me that I am exactly like my nursery kids.  Right before each new injection, I have a really hard time.  And it usually involves tears.  And it's just because I don't know what to expect.  (Especially if I know it's going to hurt.)  But I've learned that once I get through the first one, it's better.  It doesn't hurt any less, but I can deal better because I know what's coming.  So I fight it less.  And it doesn't take as long for me to agree to let hubby give me the shot.

So... that's the latest on my Lovenox shots.

Snow babies

It looks like we're getting ready to rob a bank, but we're actually trying to not freeze our noses off!  It was 18 degrees up north!

We went skiing this weekend!!  (One of my favorite things to do!!)   Knowing that I will be on restricted physical activities after the embryo transfer, I had to get in one last trip.  We had to plan it around my doctor appointments (which are every other week.)  So it was this weekend or never!

The snow was perfect!!  It had just stormed before we drove up, but that Saturday it was beautiful.  I'm so glad we went!  I'm just assuming I am getting pregnant next month, so this was our last hurrah.

It was REALLY COLD up on the mountain.  And I told hubby that this was what our embryo felt like in the freezer!!  ;)

It was a little adventurous remembering my drug schedule while traveling!  I had the opportunity to moon several people at the rest stops!  (Kind of)  It takes some creativity to do the shots while on the road.    We stopped at Subway to get food, and ice (that I put in a ziplock bag).  I held the ice on my butt while we drove for a while, and when it was time... we pulled over and hubby gave me a shot in the butt.  (It quite the interesting endeavor.)   We tried to park away from people, but we got some interesting looks from other people at the rest stops!

On the ride up there, we were talking about our possible future kid, and who they would look like.  We were talking about our genes, and what color eyes/ hair/ etc our baby would have.  We talked about our dominant and recessive traits.  

We were joking around, and hubby figured out why we weren't able to get pregnant thus far!   

 I laughed so hard when my hubby said (Speaking for our genes).. "We can't BOTH be dominant!!  One of us has to be recessive!!"  So- that explains why I've had difficulty getting pregnant.  In a normal month, our male/ female genes don't have enough time to negotiate the terms of the future baby.  (Because we're both pretty stubborn!)

But if you stick that embryo in the freezer for a month or two to chill out... that ought to be enough time for them to come to a decision!!  ;)   So therefore using that logic, this Frozen Embryo Transfer is going to be successful.  ;)