Here we go again...

So... guess what... we're at it again.

Third time is the charm right??  Well, this will be our third Frozen Embryo Transfer.  (Before that we did IVF, before that IUI's, before that random surgeries and procedures, and before that we just tried having intercourse like "normal" people.  Nothing's worked so far.  But this time will be different.

1)  Because it will work and I will become pregnant.

-or-

2) Because this is for sure the last time we'll be doing any infertility treatments.

So, there are 2 ways to play this.  The first time we did this (Round 1), I was very open about every step of the process  That way, everyone knew what was going on, and I didn't have to answer so many questions.  Also, I wrote down my experiences in the hopes that this might help someone else reading it who struggled with infertility.  But I was expecting it to work.  And after a very public emotional roller-coaster, I had to publicly acknowledge my broken, aching heart.  And that was difficult to go through.

Round 2- I kept to myself.  Only the people involved knew I was trying it again.  Same routine, same shots, same appointments.  I had better odds this time.  2 good fertilized embryos were implanted in me.   But it had the same result.  Unsuccessful.  The recovery process was a little bit easier, simply because I had been through it before, so I didn't really get my hopes up.  And also because I didn't have to face the world with my negative results.  

Side Note: I'm not going to call them failures, because I didn't fail.  I had a very insensitive elderly gentleman say to me:  "I heard you failed".  At the time, I was confused what he was talking about.  So I said "Failed at what?"  He said, "You didn't get pregnant."  That totally caught me off-guard.  I forgot that I had told him and his wife that we were doing infertility treatments last year, and I hadn't seen them in 6 months.  I did my best not to get infuriated because were were in a public place.  I downplayed it, and said it didn't work out.  Then I changed the subject.  But inside I was fired up.  I DID NOT FAIL!  I did EVERY SINGLE THING that was asked of me.  I went through every procedure.  I took every pill, got every shot, blood draw, ultrasound, suppository, procedure, etc.  So far, I've had 3 fertilized embryos implanted inside me, and they haven't stuck around.  Bu that has nothing to do with me.  I did everything I could to make those work.  So no, I did not fail.  It took me a while to simmer down from that one.  (I guess it's still kind of sensitive subject.)  Note to others:  Don't say that to a person going through infertility treatments.  Not a good idea.

So that brings us to Round 3.  And I debated whether to endure it privately or go through it publicly this time.  And I think a mixture of both.  I'll share when I'm ready.  In the meantime, I would kindly request that you don't ask.  (If I don't bring it up.)  Like I said, I'll share when I'm ready.

But after talking with a friend of mine, I realized I needed to write this blog for others who are going through infertility.  My friend "J" had sent me an email saying how she had been suffering with infertility for the past 2 years, just very privately.  And it made me realize that I need to write this, so people know they are not alone.  And that this is very common.  The statistic is 1 in 8 women will have trouble conceiving.  (for a large variety of reasons)  And it just makes you feel better knowing you are not the only one going through this.  

So that's why I'm sharing again.  To help others understand the complex world of infertility- where they speak a whole different language made up mainly of acronyms.  (IUI, IVF, EMD, HSG, RE)  It's scary and hard to navigate, so it's helpful to have someone who has been down that road before.  (I had several friends who did this for me.)  So I am just returning the favor.

Results of blood test- "Some disappointments come regardless of your effort and preparation, for God wishes us to be strong as well as good."

I went back for another consult to see why I wasn't getting pregnant.  Dr. Craig told me the same 3 reasons why it possibly didn't work.
1)  It was just bad luck.  (Unexplained infertility)
2)  I was pregnant, but my immune system was attacking the embryo causing early miscarriage
3)  I was pregnant, but there was a micro blood clot that caused early miscarriage.  (even though I'm on Lovenox and baby aspirin)

So this time, I decided to pay for a blood test to see if my immune system is attacking the embryos they keep putting in. And that's why am not getting pregnant.  They have all these tests available.  It was just a financial decision not to do them.  Because my first IVF transfer, I didn't have a high success rate with just one embryo anyway.  (It was 38-40% chance of pregnancy).  So I figured that one was just bad odds.

But this last time, I had a very high chance of pregnancy with two good embryos transfered. (It was 78-80% this last time.)   But it still didn't work.

So I decided to bite the bullet and get the blood test done.  It was called an ACA/ LAG/ ANA test.  (Similar to a Lupus panel.)  This sounds weird, but I was kind of hoping this would come back positive.  Not that I want more problems or diseases, but at least I would know what the problem is.  Then maybe we could counteract it.

I had the blood work done at my regular doctor's office to try and get insurance to pay for it.  (I am one of the lucky ones- my insurance does cover some of the infertility treatments, but I have a lifetime max, and once I'm maxed out- it's done.)  So when the nurse from my regular doctor's office called, she was pleased to tell me that all my results came back negative.  (to her, that was good news.)  To me, that was kind of disappointing news.  I mean- I'm glad I don't have more health issues.  But at the same time, I was hoping for some answers.  So- we've ruled out possibility #2.     And even though #3 could be a possibility- maybe there was a micro blood clot, I'm doubtful.  I was taking baby aspirin daily and doing the Lovenox shots in my stomach.  (Which is a blood thinner.)  It was obviously doing it's job based on the bruises on my belly.   So my gut feeling says it was #1.  Just unexplained infertility.  Which is hard to combat...  and makes me question how many more times we should try this... probably one more time.  

I found an interesting quote by Jeffrey R. Holland.
It's called "For Times of Trouble"...   

This stuck out to me...  
"Some disappointments come regardless of your effort and preparation, for God wishes us to be strong as well as good."  

So, I feel like that's why I'm going through this infertility trial.  Like it or not, it is making me stronger.  And he flat out said that some disappointments come regardless of my effort and preparation (for these IVF transfers.)   So... that stuck out to me.  

"Some disappointments come regardless of your effort and preparation, for God wishes us to be strong as well as good. There, too, I say, 'Love your life, poor as it is.' Drive even these experiences into the corner, painful though they may be, and learn from them. In this, too, you have friends through the ages in whom you can take comfort and with whom you can form timeless bonds."

"If you are trying hard and living right and things still seem burdensome and difficult, take heart. Others have walked that way before you."

"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike—and they will—you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham’s seed."

Jeffrey R. Holland,

"In Times of Trouble"

BYU Devotional, March, 1980.

Read: PDF link

https://speeches.byu.edu/wp-content/uploads/pdf/Holland_Jeffrey_1980_031.pdf

Listen: MP3 link below ⬇️

(Sorry, there is no video available for this speech.)

https://speeches.byu.edu/wp-content/uploads/mp3/Holland_Jeffrey_0319801.mp3  

So... that's where I'm at right now.  Still don't know the answers, but I know I am growing.

Where do we go from here?

So... now the question is where do we go from here?

Hubby and I had a consult with my doctor's office last Monday.

He told us there were 3 possible reasons why our In Vitro Fertilization wasn't successful.

1)  Just bad luck.  The odds were 42% chance of a successful pregnancy, which left 58% chance of not getting pregnant.   
2)  Maybe I did get pregnant, and my immune system attacked it... causing me to miscarry before the first pregnancy test.
3)  Maybe I was pregnant, and there was a small blood clot that although would be non-harmful to me, could have blocked the embryo from receiving nutrients, and caused miscarriage.

There are tests he could do to determine what happened, but at this point, why bother?

Looking towards the future, he told us about our options.

1) Do nothing.
2) Try the fertility drug Femara and do a trigger shot to ovulate at a certain time.  (with timed intercourse)
3) Try the fertility drug Femara and do an IUI.  (Artificial Fertilization)
4) Try In Vitro fertilization again (IVF).  He felt like he could change up my drug protocol and probably get me 2 embryos to implant which would improve my odds.
5) Use a donor egg, and hubby's sperm to create an embryo
6) Do a donor embryo transfer.  (Adopt a left-over embryo from someone else's IVF cycle)

Here's how I feel about it each option...

1) Maybe we should quit trying infertility treatments.   Maybe this means we should pursue traditional adoption.  But how do you know when to stop?  How do you know how much to invest before you quit?  I don't know the answer.  Maybe we aren't supposed to have kids.  But if that's my dream, I feel like there's a way to accomplish it.  And I'm not quite ready to give up on my dream yet.

2)  and 3)  No thanks.  We did a lot of IUI's last year.  And they didn't work.   Besides, we already tried IVF.  This would be like taking a step backwards.   

4)  I'm done with IVF.  I don't want to go through that egg retrieval surgery again.  Especially given that we had a really low success rate every step of the way.  It's expensive.  I didn't get very many eggs.  Only 1 of my embryos survived, and that one didn't take.  Maybe if we had gotten more eggs out of it, I'd be willing to try it again.  But I think this means my body doesn't want to cooperate.

5) I would be fine with using a donor egg w/ hubby's sperm, and implanting it in me... if it weren't for the price tag!!  That was THE most expensive option there was!    You're basically paying for you and another woman to do IVF.  There was no way I was comfortable with gambling with that amount of money.  It's hard enough to digest how much we are already spending on our own treatments.

6)  This is one option that we were actually considering.  Adopt an embryo.  It's a cross between adoption and pregnancy.  They have a spreadsheet of anonymous donors.  The spreadsheet has age, physical characteristics, etc.  Here's what a sample one looks like:  http://fertilitytreatmentcenter.com/EmbryoDonatio%20Database.pdf

   These are couples that have done In Vitro cycles, are done having their families, and that have left-over embryos.  They have chosen to donate them to the fertility clinic to help out other couples.  It's like adoption- because you have someone else's sperm and egg (fertilized embryo) inside you.  But the benefits are- that you control the pregnancy.  I control all the pre-natal care my baby would receive.  I personally don't smoke, drink, or do drugs.  I would take all the necessary pre-natal vitamins,etc.   I would give birth to the baby, so I already have parental rights.  (And I don't have to wait to be chosen for adoption, or worry if the birth mom will change her mind.)  Plus, it's about 1/3 the cost of traditional adoption.    So... we went home to consider this.

That evening, hubby and I were talking about our options.  We were seriously looking into the Adopt-An-Embryo program.  Looking at the spreadsheet, there was a set of good embryos that we were interested in.  But when I emailed the IVF coordinator on Tues morning, she informed me that that specific set had been reserved the night before.  :(  

I was disappointed all over again.  It feels like this part of my life is about learning to deal with disappointments.... big and small.

I have had 3 well-meaning friends/ family members offer to be a surrogate for me.  But that's not even an option.  I'm out of embryos. That's super expensive.   Plus, I don't know that I could put a friend/ family member through all that.  They have no idea what they are offering.  It's pretty intense.  It's months of doctor appointments, drugs, shots, procedures.  I went through it.  It wasn't that fun, I promise.  I don't think I would put another person through that.  

So now... back to the drawing board.  I keep praying that the Lord will help me find what direction I'm supposed to go with this.  Am I supposed to have kids?  Am I not supposed to have my own kids?  Should I keep trying infertility treatments?  Should we focus on regular adoption?   I know when one door closes, another opens.  And I'm willing to move forward... I just wish I didn't have to have so many doors slammed in my face to find the right one for me.

So for right now, I'm working on getting my house ready for the home study.  (We had already started the process of getting certified for adoption last year, but took a break to try the IVF.)  We did the fingers prints, background checks, and physicals.  We just needed to meet with the Adoption Agency a few more times, and complete our home study.  So I guess that's my new focus.

  And try to figure out where to go from here.

Sacrifice / Investment / Fear/ Courage

I saw this quote on Facebook today.  This is what I'm hoping for.  <3

This graph was from the blog I follow called Fertile Findings.   That's how I feel.
 I didn't know 2015 would be all about facing my fears.   But a lot of it was.  And I won't say I've overcome those fears.  Sometimes you just do it anyway.  (Like the graph shows.)

I heard a quote that says:  "Courage is doing what is right in spite of being afraid."   Now, I'm not saying that if I didn't go ahead with the shots and the rest of the IVF cycle, that it would be wrong.  This is a personal choice.  I guess I'm just saying that sometimes you still do things even though you're afraid.  (Focusing on the big picture.)  In the long run... this will all be worth it.

Again, this is all easier said than done.  My shots start back up again soon.  At that point is when I'll REALLY need to focus on these mantras.  Because that's when things will start getting difficult.  It's easy for me to talk about facing my fears.  This all sounds good in theory.  It's much different when you are actually fighting to work through that fear, and do what needs to be done... even though it's painful.  

I guess that what it comes down to.  I really don't like painful things.  ;)  

I remember one time my friend Dave and I were skiing, and we accidentally ended up on a really steep double-black diamond slope.  There was no way to turn around.  And there was no where to go but down.  (Even though it was so steep and icy, I knew full well this was WAY beyond my ability level.)  But what options did I have?  He could go down and get ski patrol to carry me down on a toboggan... (Which I didn't really want to do.) 

 Or I could try to make my way down the best I could.  And that's what I did.  Most the time I was sliding down on my butt.  Then I'd get up a ski it as best I could.  And a few times I fell and biffed it hard.  And that scared me.  And sometimes it hurt when I fell.  But he would help me gather up my scattered ski equipment and we'd try it again.

And this is kind of how I face the trials in my life.  I just keep going until I fall.  Then I get up and try again.  Eventually skiing with Dave did make me a better skier.  Because he pushed me to try things that were hard for me.  (That being said, neither of us meant to end up on the double black diamond slope, that was an accident.)  But I got through it.

And I think this trial of infertility has definitely brought my closer to my husband Devon.  Because I've had to let him see me vulnerable.  And I've had to let him help me.  He's helping me get through my double-black diamond slope of infertility that we somehow ended up on.  (Never intended to be here.)  But since we are here... we have to try to get through it somehow!

Sonohysterogram and HSG dye test.... again.

On a scale of 1-10, Guess how much I don't like booties, hair nets, and ugly gowns? 20.   Bleh.

So- I realized I was pretty emotionally raw when I wrote my last blog post.

I don't deal well with bad surprises.  I freeze up, get overwhelmed, freak out, then eventually work through it, and get over it.  (Sometimes)   And I usually write these blog posts after things have happened, so I have some perspective.  That last one I just wrote in the middle of it.  But I'm not that emotional all the time.  Just sometimes.

On Monday, I had 2 more procedures done.  The Sonohysterogram (where they inject saline soluntion into your uterus.  They can measure it and look for polyps and fibroids.)   And the HSG (Hysterosalpingogram)- where they inject dye into the uterus and Fallopian tubes and x-ray it to check for blockages and see how everything looks.  You're supposed to take 4 Advil an hour before the procedure.  It's uncomfortable, but it's not painful.

They did these 2 procedures in the out-patient surgery center, which didn't help my anxiety.  When I had these done last year at my other infertility doctor's office, they just did them in a special room in the office.  (They do these once a year.)  :P!!!!

The good news is... nothing has grown back since my surgery last year.  Everything still looks good for the transfer.

I get one more procedure the Monday after Christmas.  (an Endometrial Disruption).  This helps to increase the IVF pregnancy success rate.  

So... that's where we're at so far!

Making A Baby The Hard Way

I was trying to come up with names for this blog.  

Here's what I came up with:

1) AND GOD SAID NO.

2)  MARRIED WITHOUT CHILDREN

3) WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE NOT EXPECTING.

4)  INFERTILITY & ME

And finally... 5) MAKING A BABY THE HARD WAY.

1st one was too vague.

2nd one was too permanent.  Some day I'll have kids- one way or another.

3rd one was my favorite- but it was just too long for a blog title.

4th one was already taken.

And here we are at #5.  It fits, and it wasn't taken...  

So... This is my story of how to make a baby the hard way.

I decided I needed to journal all the stuff that I have been going through lately.  First- because 1 in 8 women have infertility issues.  But NOBODY talks about it.  So for a while you feel like you are all alone.  And it's really hard.  Until you start talking about it.  Then it's still kind of hard, but you find out more and more of your friends have been through the same thing.  And even out of those that haven't been through it, most are really supportive and caring.  (I am very lucky to have some good friends in my life.)  So I wanted to be able to share my story, to possibly help someone else along the path that is going through this.  (Or that will end up going through this.)  It helps to see other people at the end of the tunnel.  

My other reason for writing this blog is just to have a journal to express my feelings, and 2) Write a "Infertility for Dummies" manual for future people to reference.  Except I wouldn't say it's for dummies.  This is really foreign language for most people.   Infertility is a whole new world with a whole new language and weird tests and procedures with weird names.  And it's all really overwhelming.  So that's my purpose in writing this.  It's just for me mostly.  

But if you want to read it to... feel free.