Here we go again...

So... guess what... we're at it again.

Third time is the charm right??  Well, this will be our third Frozen Embryo Transfer.  (Before that we did IVF, before that IUI's, before that random surgeries and procedures, and before that we just tried having intercourse like "normal" people.  Nothing's worked so far.  But this time will be different.

1)  Because it will work and I will become pregnant.

-or-

2) Because this is for sure the last time we'll be doing any infertility treatments.

So, there are 2 ways to play this.  The first time we did this (Round 1), I was very open about every step of the process  That way, everyone knew what was going on, and I didn't have to answer so many questions.  Also, I wrote down my experiences in the hopes that this might help someone else reading it who struggled with infertility.  But I was expecting it to work.  And after a very public emotional roller-coaster, I had to publicly acknowledge my broken, aching heart.  And that was difficult to go through.

Round 2- I kept to myself.  Only the people involved knew I was trying it again.  Same routine, same shots, same appointments.  I had better odds this time.  2 good fertilized embryos were implanted in me.   But it had the same result.  Unsuccessful.  The recovery process was a little bit easier, simply because I had been through it before, so I didn't really get my hopes up.  And also because I didn't have to face the world with my negative results.  

Side Note: I'm not going to call them failures, because I didn't fail.  I had a very insensitive elderly gentleman say to me:  "I heard you failed".  At the time, I was confused what he was talking about.  So I said "Failed at what?"  He said, "You didn't get pregnant."  That totally caught me off-guard.  I forgot that I had told him and his wife that we were doing infertility treatments last year, and I hadn't seen them in 6 months.  I did my best not to get infuriated because were were in a public place.  I downplayed it, and said it didn't work out.  Then I changed the subject.  But inside I was fired up.  I DID NOT FAIL!  I did EVERY SINGLE THING that was asked of me.  I went through every procedure.  I took every pill, got every shot, blood draw, ultrasound, suppository, procedure, etc.  So far, I've had 3 fertilized embryos implanted inside me, and they haven't stuck around.  Bu that has nothing to do with me.  I did everything I could to make those work.  So no, I did not fail.  It took me a while to simmer down from that one.  (I guess it's still kind of sensitive subject.)  Note to others:  Don't say that to a person going through infertility treatments.  Not a good idea.

So that brings us to Round 3.  And I debated whether to endure it privately or go through it publicly this time.  And I think a mixture of both.  I'll share when I'm ready.  In the meantime, I would kindly request that you don't ask.  (If I don't bring it up.)  Like I said, I'll share when I'm ready.

But after talking with a friend of mine, I realized I needed to write this blog for others who are going through infertility.  My friend "J" had sent me an email saying how she had been suffering with infertility for the past 2 years, just very privately.  And it made me realize that I need to write this, so people know they are not alone.  And that this is very common.  The statistic is 1 in 8 women will have trouble conceiving.  (for a large variety of reasons)  And it just makes you feel better knowing you are not the only one going through this.  

So that's why I'm sharing again.  To help others understand the complex world of infertility- where they speak a whole different language made up mainly of acronyms.  (IUI, IVF, EMD, HSG, RE)  It's scary and hard to navigate, so it's helpful to have someone who has been down that road before.  (I had several friends who did this for me.)  So I am just returning the favor.

LOL! Awkward conversations...

Samantha cracks me up.  I'm at home on modified bed rest after my recent procedure.  

I work at the front desk of a busy office, and she is covering for me this week.  Here's what she's been texting me...

LOL!!!   I love my friends... they keep me laughing... :)

Sacrifice / Investment / Fear/ Courage

I saw this quote on Facebook today.  This is what I'm hoping for.  <3

This graph was from the blog I follow called Fertile Findings.   That's how I feel.
 I didn't know 2015 would be all about facing my fears.   But a lot of it was.  And I won't say I've overcome those fears.  Sometimes you just do it anyway.  (Like the graph shows.)

I heard a quote that says:  "Courage is doing what is right in spite of being afraid."   Now, I'm not saying that if I didn't go ahead with the shots and the rest of the IVF cycle, that it would be wrong.  This is a personal choice.  I guess I'm just saying that sometimes you still do things even though you're afraid.  (Focusing on the big picture.)  In the long run... this will all be worth it.

Again, this is all easier said than done.  My shots start back up again soon.  At that point is when I'll REALLY need to focus on these mantras.  Because that's when things will start getting difficult.  It's easy for me to talk about facing my fears.  This all sounds good in theory.  It's much different when you are actually fighting to work through that fear, and do what needs to be done... even though it's painful.  

I guess that what it comes down to.  I really don't like painful things.  ;)  

I remember one time my friend Dave and I were skiing, and we accidentally ended up on a really steep double-black diamond slope.  There was no way to turn around.  And there was no where to go but down.  (Even though it was so steep and icy, I knew full well this was WAY beyond my ability level.)  But what options did I have?  He could go down and get ski patrol to carry me down on a toboggan... (Which I didn't really want to do.) 

 Or I could try to make my way down the best I could.  And that's what I did.  Most the time I was sliding down on my butt.  Then I'd get up a ski it as best I could.  And a few times I fell and biffed it hard.  And that scared me.  And sometimes it hurt when I fell.  But he would help me gather up my scattered ski equipment and we'd try it again.

And this is kind of how I face the trials in my life.  I just keep going until I fall.  Then I get up and try again.  Eventually skiing with Dave did make me a better skier.  Because he pushed me to try things that were hard for me.  (That being said, neither of us meant to end up on the double black diamond slope, that was an accident.)  But I got through it.

And I think this trial of infertility has definitely brought my closer to my husband Devon.  Because I've had to let him see me vulnerable.  And I've had to let him help me.  He's helping me get through my double-black diamond slope of infertility that we somehow ended up on.  (Never intended to be here.)  But since we are here... we have to try to get through it somehow!

Popsicle babies- Hans and Anna

Once I had some time to kind of come to terms with being down to 2 embryos...  I started joking around again.  (Sometimes I'm okay with it, sometimes I'm not.)  But I'm getting to the point where I can talk about it.  Previously, I had been referring to my frozen embryos as my popsicle babies.  

But now that we were down to 2, I jokingly named them Hans and Anna.   

Hans- for Han Solo (from the movie Return of the Jedi)

And Anna-  (from the movie Frozen)

These are the only 2 that I could think of that were frozen, but everything still turned out okay in the end.

At my first appointment, the doctor measured my uterus and told me I had enough room to carry twins.  I've always wanted twins.  So the idea of having Hans and Anna chilling out in the freezer made me happy.  It was a possibility.  

My 2 embryos that continued growing were up to 50 cells, and that's when they freeze them.  We are doing a frozen embryo transfer.  (FET)   That's what my doctor recommended for me.  (and I know several friends who were able to get pregnant using a FET.)

Other people do a fresh embryo transfer.  (Which means that they do the surgery, then about 4 days later, transfer the fertilized embryos back in.)  From what I've been told, that's a little rough.

Because I was doing a frozen embryo transfer, I was able to take Advil and other meds after my retrieval surgery.  So the recovery wasn't bad at all.

If you decide to do any genetic testing, you have to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer, because they need time to test them.  We opted to do the genetic testing, due to many factors.   I'm only doing this once.  I don't want to do another IVF cycle.  They're expensive.  It takes a huge emotional toll.  They're a pain in the butt  (literally and figuratively).  So I want to find out which embryo has the best chance of going full-term if I get pregnant.  

Egg Retrieval Surgery- IVF

Last Saturday, I had my egg retrieval surgery.  Strangely, I was kind of looking forward to it, just to get it over with.  It's an out-patient surgery that lasts about 2 hours.  (including recovery)

At night, hubby and I try to kneel down and pray together as a couple before going to bed.  (That's assuming one of us hasn't fallen asleep already- which is usually me.)  When I was praying, I confided to Heavenly Father that I was feeling scared.  And I asked him to bless me with peace and comfort to get through this.   And He did.  I was able to sleep through the night pretty well.

That morning, I had hubby give me a priesthood blessing.  He not only blessed me, but also blessed the doctors, and those that would be working with me.  I felt at peace while driving to the hospital.

FYI- I have a history of being uncooperative with hospitals.  When I was 14 and needed surgery, they had me go into the bathroom to change into a hospital gown.  I locked myself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out.  The poor nurse kept knocking on the door.  "Honey... it there anything I can help you with?"  Nope.   It took them a while to convince me to open that door.   Now, looking back on that, I realized how far behind I must have thrown that doctor's schedule by doing that.  But - oh well.  They had even more trouble trying to get me to cooperate to get the IV in too.  I just get freaked out by needles.

 So now that I'm an adult (or at least pretend to be), I find ways to work around that.  For example, I have them cover up the IV with not just surgical tape, but wrap my hand with a towel or coband.

When they had me go into the bathroom to change into the ugly hospital gown, I had a flashback of my childhood.  I could just lock myself in here again.  As I changed, the words of the church hymn "I Need Thee Every Hour" came into my head.  And I changed them, I prayed in my head that I didn't just need Him every hour, I needed Him right now... to get through this.  I took a deep breath, and went out to face my fate.  My supportive hubby sat in the chair next to me.

The nurse that put my IV in was very compassionate and patient.  She told me I could take a minute.  (Probably because I kept pulling my hand away.)  But eventually, I let them put the IV in.  (But I wouldn't look at it until they covered it up.)

While the nurse was doing the in-take questionnaire, hubby had to leave to go do his part.  (He had to provide semen, so that the embryologist would have fresh sperm to inject into the retrieved eggs.)  He gave me a hug and a kiss before he left.  And I was by myself.

After the paperwork, they had me walk back to the operating room.  I didn't like that.  They had tools on a tray, and I could feel my anxiety rising.  They had me lie on the table and cross my arms on my chest, while they wrapped me tight in a blanket and strapped my legs in.  I felt my body clenching up.  I kept thinking "Knock me out, knock me out!  I don't want to see this!!"

Soon after that, they did.  They put the oxygen mask on, which was good because I think I was starting to breathe harder.  And not much longer after that, I was under.  And it was better.

I woke up later and Devon was beside my bed.  I was sore, but it didn't really hurt too much.  But I was a little nauseous.  But they gave me something for that which helped a lot.  They gave me a prescription for Percocet for when I went home.

Hubby said I slept all the way home.  He helped me to the couch, and I stayed there for the rest of the day.  I ate soup and apple juice all day.  And some noodles for dinner.  I felt so much better after the surgery was over.  I was sore, but since they drained all the fluid from each follicle, the overly bloated/ sick feeling was gone.  And my tummy didn't hurt like it had previously.

So I was glad that surgery was done.  Part 1 - Done.

I have a good dog.  She stayed by my side all day, just to make sure I was okay.  <3