Today's the day we find out if I'm pregnant.

Today I had my blood test to find out if I'm pregnant.

Last time I went through this, I was filled with a feeling of dread.

It's different this time.  I've made my peace with it.  If I am pregnant, then we'll figure out how to navigate that road.  There will be 2 more blood tests just to make sure my numbers keep going up.  Then in 2 1/2 weeks, they'll do an ultrasound.  (I get those all the time, but this time there would be a baby (or two) in there.)

And if I'm not pregnant, well then it will be okay.  I'll be disappointed, but also relieved to finally have closure.  I will have literally done everything I could have possibly done to get pregnant.  And if doesn't happen by this point, then obviously the Lord has different plans for me.  (and quite honestly, it will be a relief to stop doing all the butt and tummy shots every night.  Those don't feel good.)

So... now we wait...

My friend Rainie sent me an interesting conference talk called "Trust in the Lord" 

And here's the part that stood out to me.  It's pretty obvious the Lord wanted me to grow and learn from this whole infertility experience....

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

This life is an experience in profound trust—trust in Jesus Christ, trust in His teachings, trust in our capacity as led by the Holy Spirit to obey those teachings for happiness now and for a purposeful, supremely happy eternal existence. To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning (see Prov. 3:5–7). "

Miscarriage and Infertility. Faith and Trials.

I saw this quote and knew I wanted to write a blogpost about it.   I've been contemplating for a while what to say.

Since publicly sharing about my journey with infertility, I have had so many friends write to me privately sharing their experiences.  I had NO idea it was so common, because people don't usually talk about it.  It really really helped me to talk to people who had been down this road before.  Just to feel like I'm not alone, and also to learn from them.

I had a friend write me on Facebook and shared a very personal, private experience about her recent miscarriage.   With her permission, I am sharing our conversation.  

Hey CJ! I just wanted to send you a message to say how brave you are to share your journey, and that you are not alone. Sometimes, I think it helps to know others are there too. While our journeys are different - there are some similarities. I have had 2 miscarriages in the past 10 months (the last this past week) - and the devastation is overwhelming, especially when we are the age we are. It is a unique misery, coupled with profound hope and faith which keeps us moving forward despite the pain and sadness. Hard to explain, but I think you understand. Your willingness to share you experiences is so very brave, and makes a difference. Although I am not sharing publicly, I wanted to at least reach out to you, share my story, and let you know you are not alone and that I am here, rooting you on all the time. However our journeys end, we need to find purpose in the journey. And maybe part of that purpose it to reach out to others. We are stronger together than apart. Sending you hope, love, and strength! Take care of yourself and hang in there.

Reading her words really affected me.  

I don't feel brave.  In fact, I had been hesitant to write on my blog lately.  Some days I am totally okay with openly sharing everything.  And other days, I'm not ready to deal with the questions that come with it.  (Because it is obviously a matter that is so close to the heart.)  But I think my friend was inspired to share this with me.  It motivated me to write again.  So that by sharing, maybe it might help someone else who is enduring this privately.  And then also, it really helps me when people reach out to me and share their story.  It provides me with strength, support, encouragement, and friendship.   That helps.

There are so many facets to infertility.  Obviously, it isn't just not being able to get pregnant, it's also not being able to go full-term.  It's heart-breaking to hear her story, especially because I do know what that yearning feels like.  And although I have not yet experienced miscarriage, I think she's right.  We are on the same journey.  I asked her if I could share her story.  This is what she replied:

I wouldn't mind you sharing anonymously.  In fact maybe it will help bring some purpose to all this.

I like that even though my friend and I are different religions, we both share a faith in God.  That things happen for a purpose, even if we can't immediately understand why.  We both understand that things will work out in the Lord's time.  Even if there are disappointments and heartaches right now, there is a purpose to the journey.  (even if we can't understand it yet.)

I found this quote and it really stuck with me-  "Who better to help someone who is experiencing a difficult trial than someone who has experienced it himself/ herself?  The trials we endure enable us to help others endure their trials."   And I know that's true.  And that's one of the reasons we go through trials, so we can have a more gentle, understand, and empathetic heart.  And that enables us to help those around us.  My friend Candice has been the one to help me the most through my Frozen Embryo Transfers.  Because she's done them recently.  Successfully and unsuccessfully.  She knows each step.  She understands.  I think as we share our life's experiences, we can connect with others.  Helping them and letting them help us.  That's one thing I've learned from all this.  

The other is the importance of relying on the Savior to get us through our hardest times.  This video "Hope Ya Know, I'm Having a Hard Time" came up in my Facebook feed.  And I knew I had to share it.  Sometimes we just have hard times.  Even with great friends and family who are supportive.  

The lyrics to the song "Where Can I Turn For Peace?" are so profound to me.

Where Can I Turn for Peace?

31243, Hymns, Where Can I Turn for Peace?, no. 129

1. Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?

2. Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

3. He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.

Text: Emma Lou Thayne, b. 1924. © 1973 IRI

Music: Joleen G. Meredith, b. 1935. © 1973 IRI

John 14:27

John 16:33

Hebrews 4:14-16

  I think we're all coming to realize that the ultimate source of peace during our trials and hard times can be found through turning to Jesus Christ.  And that's part of why we go through trials, so we can come closer to our Savior.  (If we choose to.)    I appreciate my friend writing to me and encouraging me.  Because of her, I'm slowly opening up again about this journey.  

We tried again... (Frozen Embryo Transfer)

Last fall,  I went through my first In Vitro Fertilization cycle.  (IVF)   I was very open with the details.  I documented every step so that others following in my footsteps would know what to expect, and so they would know they are not alone.  Many, many people have to do infertility treatment.  And it's nice to know others are going through the same thing.

 It was a very long, emotional process that started with an IVF consult in October, and ended in February with a blood test.  After all that, I found out I wasn't pregnant.  And I was heart-broken.  That was so much work.  So much blood, sweat, and tears.  Appointments, procedures, surgeries.  So many shots, pills, suppositories every day.  All to achieve the dream of having a baby.  But it didn't work.  I felt like I had a run a marathon, and then didn't get the prize at the end.

I thought I was done with infertility.  But when are you ever done?  How do you know when to stop?  
I reconnected with the adoption agency I was working with.  I got our paperwork back up-to-date.  But then... you just wait.  And I hate waiting.  I need to be doing something...

Meanwhile, my hubby wanted to give the Frozen Embryo Transfer another try.  This time with a donor embryo... to see if we might have more success with that.  So I agreed.  I wasn't super excited about it.  I just thought I would do it to see what happens.

At the time, I thought about blogging about it.  But I didn't feel motivated to do it.  I was really gun-shy.  It was so painful the last time- telling everyone that it didn't work.  So I thought I would keep it a secret this time.  And just tell people after I got pregnant.

The nice thing about doing it a second time is that it wasn't as scary.  Granted, it wasn't that fun.  But it wasn't scary.  I had already done everything once already.  I knew exactly what hurt and how much it hurt.  And kind of what to do in order to make it feel better.

My drug regiment was almost identical to the last time.  I did pick up a few more tricks though.   Each night, when you're doing the progesterone shots in the butt, ice it for a long time before, then massage it after the injection (because the oil is so thick- it helps disperse it), then use a heating pad.  It helps.  The area will be sore, but you'll be able to walk normally.

For the Lovenox shots in the tummy... I learned it was better to ice it before AND after the injection.  It's going to bruise regardless because it's a blood thinner, but I think icing before and after helped minimize the bruising.  
Here's my proof it helped:  

This is my tummy from this month.  My friend Stacy saw them when they were more bruised, and said I looked like a dalmatian.  ;)

If you remember my last round with the Lovenox shots, I bruised a lot more.  (But was only icing before the shot.)  If you recall this post: 
http://makingababythehardway.blogspot.com/2016/02/purple-is-my-favorite-color-but-not-on.html
We were trying to connect the bruises to look like continents.  This was the best we could do.  ;)

For this round, I didn't really ever get my hopes up.  We just went through the motions.  We did the procedures and the shots.  We didn't talk about baby names or our future.  We just did it.  I know people say there is power in positive thinking, and I know there's some truth to that.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't bear to get my hopes up.  It was so crushing the last time.  So this time I just thought that whatever happened, happened.  If I got pregnant, then I'll deal with it.  If I didn't get pregnant, then I'll deal with it.

The day of our transfer was April 29th.  I couldn't help myself, I did get kind of excited.  Since this was our 2nd time doing this, I knew what to expect.  I knew what was going on more, and wasn't so clueless.  I wanted to take pictures just in case this ended up working.

Here's the picture they gave us of my uterus.  The doctor transfered two good embryos into my uterus.  (Although you can't really see them in the pic.)   They didn't give us this last time, so this was a really cool keepsake.

The waiting period came and went.  I tried my best not to think about the fact that I could be pregnant.  The doctor gave me a 78% chance of a successful pregnancy, and a 40% chance of twins.  I thought those were really good odds.

The morning I was supposed to get my blood drawn for the pregnancy test, I didn't want to go.  I even ended up being late because I was putting off going.  

When the tech called me back and asked me "How are you feeling?"  I said "dread."  (Which technically was what I was feeling, not how I was feeling.  But that was the honest answer.)  She asked why?  I said  "Because we've been down this road before."   She wished me luck, hoping we would have different results this time.

I went back to work after that.  Luckily, it was a busy day.  So I avoided thinking about it most of the day.  Even when the doctor's office called and left the results on the voicemail, I was able to mostly avoid thinking about it.  

  (I made sure to specifically ask them to leave the results, so we didn't have a repeat of last time!)

That evening, we repeated the scenario when hubby got home from work.  We went into the bedroom, knelt down and said a prayer.  Then we stared at my phone for a while.  I asked hubby how he felt.  He said he had a lump in his throat.   I put my phone on speakerphone so we could both hear the voicemail.

It said:  They got the results back, and unfortunately, the results were negative.  And they were so sorry.  And to call the office when we were ready.

We were both silent for a while.  Then I said, "Well, poo!"  (That's my version of swearing I guess.)

Hubby said, "Play it again, maybe we heard it wrong."  I said we didn't hear it wrong.  We talked for a while, and hugged for a while, and eventually fell asleep on the bed.  Later that night, we went to the gym.  Hubby actually works out.  I just walk on the treadmill and watch TV.  But it was nice to be able to do that again.  After the embryo transfer, you are not allowed to exercise until you find out the results.

The next day, hubby brought me flowers and frozen yogurt.  (Which was very sweet, and not something he would normally do.  So that made it special.)

This time didn't hurt as much as last time.  I would still tear up, but it was nothing like last time.  I guess I'm getting used to disappointment.  The news wasn't nearly as painful.  When it was my turn to say our bedtime prayers, I would tell Heavenly Father that I wasn't angry... just sad.   And I asked for strength to help get me through this.

But it was kind of a mixed blessing that I didn't have the results until after Mother's Day.  I technically could have been pregnant on Mother's Day, so it wasn't as difficult as if I had found out the news beforehand.

Here's a meme that I found on lds.org

So... that's my life.  I had a friend ask me if this was a trial of faith for me.

I said no.  It's definitely a trial.  But not of my faith.  It's just something I am supposed to learn and grow from.  So, I'm doing my best to figure this out along the way.  I'm not sure what the Lord has in store for me.  Adoption or getting pregnant with more infertility treatments.  But we'll figure it out one of these days.  In the meantime, I just need to keep moving forward with faith.

Even though this is all over, I'm still sharing it on my blog.  Mainly because my friend Christina encouraged me to keep blogging about it.  As she put it, I needed to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly.  She said (and I know) that I'm not the only one going through trials like these.  And not a lot of people talk about it openly because it is so personal.  So by blogging about it... even the unsuccessful attempts... it may help someone.  So...that's my hope.

I don't have all the answers.  I don't know why things work out the way they do.  But I do know that God is aware of me.  And He has a divine plan for me.  And that I just need to have the faith that things will work out for the best, in God's timeframe.  Not mine.  And in the meantime... I'lll just keep on keeping on.

Finally ready to tell people

I have a secret.  And I don't know how to tell people.

I know the results.  I've known for over a week. 

And it sucks because I feel like I've been telling this story through my blog.  But my story doesn't end with happily ever after.

We got the lab results back last week.

And I'm not pregnant.

So.... I don't really know where to go from here.  

Obviously, we're beyond disappointed.  We're heart-broken.  We're trying to work through the various stages of grief.  We're trying to process these raging, raw emotions which are triggered so suddenly. Obviously, this was the Lord's will, and so I just have to trust that He has something different in mind for me.  And I get that. But that doesn't change the way I feel.  I go back and forth between feeling okay about it, and definitely NOT being okay with it.  So if you ask me how I'm doing, it depends.  It varies by the minute.

We were suppose to find out last Tuesday.  I went in for blood work at 10 am.  And they were going to call with the results in the afternoon.  My plan was to let it go to voicemail, so my husband and I could find out the results together that evening.  (After he got home from work.)   I originally had planned on taking the whole day off from work.  But then I realized I couldn't just sit at home and wait to get that phone call, and then wait all day until hubby came home.  I would go nuts.  So I went back to work to distract me.  I came home around 5:30 pm, and really only felt anxious from 5:30-7:30 pm when hubby came home.  We went into the bedroom, knelt down at the bed, and my husband said a prayer.  It was very sweet, and very spiritual.  And then we listened the voicemail on speaker phone.  Which said:  "Hi, this is Daina from Dr. Craig's office, please give us a call when you get this message."   ...... So....  no results.  I was actually okay with that.  As much as I wanted to find out, I kind of didn't want to find out.  There was something so permanent about knowing for sure.  I got to believe that I could be pregnant for another day.

Wednesday, I contacted the doctor's office and asked them to leave me the results on the voicemail.  I went into work, and when I came home, hubby and I repeated the scenario.  We went into the bedroom, knelt down to say a prayer, and listened to the voicemail on speaker phone.  They got the lab results back, and unfortunately, they came back negative.  I was not pregnant.  I looked at Devon, and started tearing up.  I said, "Well, at least we tried.  Now we know for sure."   But obviously that wasn't the answer I wanted.  Or that I even understood.  

At some point, I had started believing this was going to work.  In November/ December, I had had the attitude of we're just doing this to see what happens- if I can get pregnant.  (Since nothing else had been working)    In January, my attitude had shifted.  I really believed that I really was going to get pregnant.  As my friend put it, I was "cautiously optimistic".  I had started looking at different ways to announce my pregnancy on Pinterest.  I had started cleaning out the room we were going to use as the nursery.    I jumped the gun, and had even gotten a used crib, which I now is a painful reminded of what I don't have.

I curled up on the bed in fetal position.  Hubby curled up behind me.  We were both kind of in shock.  All of that work going through In Vitro... and it didn't work.  My body wasn't pregnant.  And we didn't have any more embryos to try again.  That was our one chance.  And it didn't work.  We tried talking (with me crying) about it... but it just ended in hubby falling asleep, and me staring absently into space trying to comprehend what just happened.

A few hours later, I was numb.  And hubby woke up.  We had to pick his car up from the mechanic, so I drove him there.  I made the mistake of putting on jeans to drive him there.  I haven't worn anything but stretchy pants or skirts since starting the Lovenox injections.  (Because my stomach was so bruised up, and my hips hurt so bad that I didn't like anything to touch it.)  I started to drive there, but had to pull over and make him drive.  Not only did I have to unzip my jeans to relieve the physical discomfort, but it just brought back the reason why it hurt to wear jeans, and I just started crying again in the car.  Tears kept rolling down my cheek under my sunglasses, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was heart-broken and disappointed.  But even more so, I really didn't want to have to break the news to my parents.  They had been so supportive through this whole process, and I hated the thought of letting them down.  We had talked about how this was going to be Grandkid #11 for them.  And now it's not.  I didn't know how to tell them.  Or my siblings.  Or anybody.  I didn't want them to be disappointed.  

Later that night, I texted my parents that I wanted to come over for a short visit.  I was going over in my head what I was going to say.  But it in the end, it didn't matter.  I couldn't talk.  I walked in their front door, saw my mom and dad, shook my head no, and started crying again.  They figured out the rest.

I texted each of my family members that night.  They were all so very loving, supportive, and gentle.  They helped me get through the night.

The next day (Thurs), I thought about going into work.  I had texted a co-worker who said she would open the office for me if I wanted to sleep in.  Or even cover for me the whole day if I wanted her to.  I had intended to go in, if nothing else it would be something to distract me from this news.  But the reality of it hit me the next morning when I woke up with a killer headache.  (From all the crying I did the previous day, I suppose)  So I ended up taking the day off.  And watching dumb TV shows- ranging from Thundercats (the 80's cartoon) to Judge Judy to Downton Abby.  It was a wide genre of shows.  But I just did whatever I could to get through the day.   A friend came to visit that evening, and that helped distract me.

Friday is kind of a blur.  I don't honestly remember what happened.  I had a hair appointment, and went out to lunch.  I don't remember what else.

Saturday, hubby was home with me.  I told him I wanted to go to the temple together.  We decided to just go to the Mesa Temple Visitor's Center.  We went inside, watched a simple video about families.  And I lost it again.  I was still having a hard time.  So was my hubby.  We stood out on the temple grounds looking at the scenery.  I asked him the same thing I asked him when I was getting my bad shots.  "We're going to get through this, right?"  

Sunday, I was doing pretty decent.  I went to church.  And was kind of praying about what our next step should be.  I got a text from my brother/ sister-in-law that they just had their baby.  (Which was a surprise)  We didn't think she would have him until the end of the month.  Seeing the pic of my brother holding that little baby just made me cry all over again.  I had to pray to ask Heavenly Father to help me not be jealous.

There was a beautiful musical number of my favorite song (Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing), which I cried all through.  (A good cry)  And the last speaker was interesting.  He had served his mission in Germany right around the time the Berlin wall went up.  

 Previously, the members in East Germany (a communist country) had traveled to Switzerland to go to the temple to be sealed.  But then the East Germany government made a new rule that there was no citizens could travel out of the country. The prophet visited the people and told them if they were faithful, they would not be denied any blessing that members of the church in other countries enjoyed.  For years, the members of the church kept requesting travel visas, and they kept getting denied.  Finally the Minister of Religious Affairs told the president of our church that the members would never be allowed to leave the country to go the temple.  Then he said, "I don't understand why you don't just build a temple here."  And so that's how the miracle of the temple in East Germany came about.  East Germany (a communist country) got a temple before West Germany did!

Those faithful members had to wait for the blessings that came so easily to other members of the church in other countries.  But eventually, their prayers were answered, and they not only got to go to the temple, but they had one built in their own country.

So that resonated with me.  Those church members in East Germany probably thought it wasn't fair.  And life's not fair.  But the Lord has a grand plan.  Even though we don't understand.  And one day, mortality will make sense.  Even if it doesn't right now. 

So... by the end of sacrament meeting, I was okay again.  I went to nursery to help out.  And I was okay with it.  Things are going to be okay in the long run.  I don't know why I don't get the chance to be pregnant, but there's a reason.  And I just have to have faith that there's another plan, and I just don't know what it is.  But it will be worth it in the end.

Waiting... and waiting.... Frozen Embryo Transfer

This meme makes me laugh.  I will admit, I have prayed for patience during this whole ordeal.

As much as I joke about it, I never really felt anxious after the transfer procedure.  I know of other people who had the embryo transfer done, that were going nuts waiting to get the results back.

Not me.  I felt very calm and peaceful.  Which I know is the direct result of so many people praying for me.  Because last year when I was doing all my IUI's each month, I was an emotional wreck.  But last year, I hadn't told people we were going through infertility treatments.  So I was going through it mostly alone.

This year I have been more open about it.   Because it's not something I'm ashamed of anymore.  It's a medical condition.  And not enough people talk about it.  Once I opened up and started blogging about my infertility, I had so many friends message me and tell me they had to do infertility treatments.  I was shocked.  So much so, that now if anyone has twins, I just assume it was probably due to fertility treatments rather than just occurring naturally!

Through-out my life, I have met some really good people (from many different religions).  And now because of social media, we are able to stay in touch even though we live in different parts of the country.  A lot of my friends are Mormon (Latter Day Saints)... just from all the different wards I've been in after college.  (A "ward" is the Mormon word for congregation).  

But I have many friends from almost every religion I can think of.  (and some that don't identify with any religion.)

They are have told me that I have been put on prayer chains, prayed for at mass, and had ministers offer prayers on my behalf, and put my names on a prayer roll at the temple.  All of which I whole-heartedly appreciate.  I figure the more prayers the better.  I love how people can become united in their faith.  Even though we have different belief systems, we all pray to the same God.  (an amusing discussion I had with one of my friends!)  She told me she contacted a Mormon to pray for me!!  LOL.  I reminded her that it doesn't have to be a Mormon that prays for other Mormons.  She could just cut out the middle man and pray for me herself!!  ;)   (Which she has been.)

And I can feel it.  And that's the only reason I can credit feeling calm at a time like this.  Waiting to find out what my future holds.  And I feel peaceful.  It's a huge blessing, and I am thankful to have such good friends.