Mother's Day for all Types of Mothers

Mother's Day is really hard for a lot of us.  One of the best letters/ blog articles I've ever read about those of us who struggle with Mother's Day was written by Lindsey Redfern last year.  Here's the link:  https://www.ldsliving.com/An-Open-Letter-to-5-Types-of-Mothers/s/78855

But for fear that you won't click on that link, I wanted to cut and paste the article here.  It is WELL worth the read.  It addresses very sensitive/ tender issues.    (For all different types of mothers.... who usually dread Mother's Day.)

• The Imperfect Mother  
• The Childless Mother  
• The Mother Battling Infertility 
•  The Mother Who Placed Her Child For Adoption
• And The Mother Waiting To Reunite with Her Children in Heaven  

READ THIS:   It's worth your time. (and thank you Lindsey for writing it.)  

An Open Letter to 5 Types of Mothers

byLindsey Redfern of Adoption.com | May. 09, 2015

Makes You Think

Comments

Lindsey Redfern is an infertility survivor and the mom of four adorable children who were adopted. Lindsey is a blogger at The R House and the editor in chief atAdoption.com.

When most people think of Mother’s Day, they think of cards and flowers and declarations of gratitude. But, for a large population of women, Mother’s Day can be a day of discouragement.

On Mother’s Day, we use superlatives a lot. “Best Mom Ever!” “My Angel Mother!” “My mother is perfection personified!” I have yet to find a mother who feels like they are the best mom ever. Short tempers, endless messes, unfinished homework, fatigue, and the struggle to find this mythical creature called “balance” often inflicts a disease I like to call Mom Guilt. For some moms, hearing on Mother’s Day about the perfect mom and comparing themselves to that perfect image can be discouraging.

But is motherhood really just about how many children you have and how you wrangle them? I propose that real motherhood actually has nothing to do with that--it is so much more. Consider these powerful words from Sister Patricia Holland:

In a poignant exchange with God, Adam states that he will call the woman Eve. And why does he call her Eve? ‘Because she [is] the mother of all living.’ (Genesis 3:20; Moses 4:26.) …Eve was given the identity of ‘the mother of all living’ –years, decades, perhaps centuries before she ever bore a child.

It would appear that her motherhood preceded her maternity.

Just as surely as the perfection of the Garden preceded the struggles of mortality. I believe mother is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words–with meaning after meaning after meaning. We must not, at all costs, let that word divide us.

I believe with all my heart that it is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a head count of our children.

In light of Sister Holland’s words, I’d like to take a moment to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all types of mothers.

The imperfect mother.

I know you. You’re the mom that hasn’t showered. You’re the mom who is beating herself up about getting impatient with your son about those missing shoes this morning. You have bags under your eyes from comforting your sick daughter all night long. You’re the mom who escapes to the bathroom for a quiet minute to scroll through her Facebook feed. You’re the mom who is counting down the minutes until sacrament meeting is over. You’re the mom who feels inadequate to raise the next generation of leaders. You’re the mom that is doing the very best she can and counting on the Atonement to make up the difference. I know you because I am you. Happy Mother’s Day to you. May you feel the encouragement of a loving Father who is whispering, “You’ve got this. You are changing the world.”

The childless mother.

Whether you are childless by choice or have not yet started your family, I want to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day! You were the mothers who helped raise me. You were the ones I turned to in my teenage years. Your example had a powerful influence on my testimony, my desire to want to choose the right, and my understanding of what it meant to be a woman of Christ. Thank you for your example, and thank you for taking the time to love me. I know you had a lot going on in your own life, but thank you for taking the time to mother me and teach me how nurture my testimony. In fact, more than 20 years later, I am still reaching out to you for advice and encouragement. I thank you. My mother thanks you. My children thank you. May you feel empowered by knowing that your motherly love has influenced generations.

The mother battling infertility.

I see you. You may be under the covers in your bed instead of braving church on Mother’s Day, but I still see you. I am also you. Even though I now have four children that we adopted and the wounds of infertility are no longer bleeding, the scars are always there. I see you in the back of the congregation fighting back tears or with a chip on your shoulder. I hurt with you when someone in the ward asks you when you’re going to have kids or tells you that you’d get pregnant if you had more faith. I am anxious with you as you silently plead with heaven during Mother’s Day talks, thinking that no doctrine says that bearing children is our divine heritage. Please know that you are so much more than your infertility. Happy Mother’s Day to you. May your heart be calmed by knowing that all that is unfair in life will be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. 

The mother who placed her child for adoption.

Celebrating you is the delight of my Mother’s Day! If you could peek into my adoptive mama heart on this day, you would see an ocean of unconditional love and gratitude that is so hard to verbalize. Your sacrifice has changed my life. You made me a mother. You chose me to join you in your motherhood. Your courage inspires me. Your trust in me ignites a desire to want to be better. On this Mother’s Day, I want to tell you that you are loved. You are prayed for. You are thought of. You are spoken of with love and light. You are part of our family. May you know that your motherhood is celebrated in this home and may you feel your Heavenly Father’s arms tightly around you.

The mother waiting to reunite with her children in heaven.

There are no words that can comfort you, but please know that I have a tender heart full of love for you on this day. I have many friends and family members who love children on the other side of the veil. For some of you, if you’re at church on Mother’s Day, you are hoping they don’t ask only the mothers to stand. You are praying you aren’t asked how many children you have. Sometimes the answer can just be too complex. I want you to know that I understand that there are days when you want to talk about it and that there are times when you are keeping those feelings close. I will follow your lead. Happy Mother’s Day to you even if you just ponder it in your heart. May you find and enjoy the avenue that brings you the most peace and the ability to feel the Savior’s infinite love for you.

My Mother’s Day wish is that these words will help us understand each other rather than divide us. Together we are Motherhood. Happy Mother’s Day to all types of mothers! 

---

Adoption.com is the world's most-used adoption site with resources, articles, and services that benefit all members of the adoption community. Find out how Adoption.com can help you navigate your LDS adoption journey by visiting Adoption.com/LDS.

Feelings

2 months later... I'm doing better.  I still have my random moments of sadness, envy, anger, whatever.  But they are few and far between.  For the most part, I'm me again.

It was hard to get my first period the next month after we found out I wasn't pregnant.

Because everyone talks about how sometimes doing infertility "jump starts" your own body, and you end up getting pregnant naturally.  Well... I didn't.  So that day I had some tears.  And I was feeling down.  But it passed.

And as of right now- I'm doing good. 

Growth

This is what I am learning.

Where do we go from here?

So... now the question is where do we go from here?

Hubby and I had a consult with my doctor's office last Monday.

He told us there were 3 possible reasons why our In Vitro Fertilization wasn't successful.

1)  Just bad luck.  The odds were 42% chance of a successful pregnancy, which left 58% chance of not getting pregnant.   
2)  Maybe I did get pregnant, and my immune system attacked it... causing me to miscarry before the first pregnancy test.
3)  Maybe I was pregnant, and there was a small blood clot that although would be non-harmful to me, could have blocked the embryo from receiving nutrients, and caused miscarriage.

There are tests he could do to determine what happened, but at this point, why bother?

Looking towards the future, he told us about our options.

1) Do nothing.
2) Try the fertility drug Femara and do a trigger shot to ovulate at a certain time.  (with timed intercourse)
3) Try the fertility drug Femara and do an IUI.  (Artificial Fertilization)
4) Try In Vitro fertilization again (IVF).  He felt like he could change up my drug protocol and probably get me 2 embryos to implant which would improve my odds.
5) Use a donor egg, and hubby's sperm to create an embryo
6) Do a donor embryo transfer.  (Adopt a left-over embryo from someone else's IVF cycle)

Here's how I feel about it each option...

1) Maybe we should quit trying infertility treatments.   Maybe this means we should pursue traditional adoption.  But how do you know when to stop?  How do you know how much to invest before you quit?  I don't know the answer.  Maybe we aren't supposed to have kids.  But if that's my dream, I feel like there's a way to accomplish it.  And I'm not quite ready to give up on my dream yet.

2)  and 3)  No thanks.  We did a lot of IUI's last year.  And they didn't work.   Besides, we already tried IVF.  This would be like taking a step backwards.   

4)  I'm done with IVF.  I don't want to go through that egg retrieval surgery again.  Especially given that we had a really low success rate every step of the way.  It's expensive.  I didn't get very many eggs.  Only 1 of my embryos survived, and that one didn't take.  Maybe if we had gotten more eggs out of it, I'd be willing to try it again.  But I think this means my body doesn't want to cooperate.

5) I would be fine with using a donor egg w/ hubby's sperm, and implanting it in me... if it weren't for the price tag!!  That was THE most expensive option there was!    You're basically paying for you and another woman to do IVF.  There was no way I was comfortable with gambling with that amount of money.  It's hard enough to digest how much we are already spending on our own treatments.

6)  This is one option that we were actually considering.  Adopt an embryo.  It's a cross between adoption and pregnancy.  They have a spreadsheet of anonymous donors.  The spreadsheet has age, physical characteristics, etc.  Here's what a sample one looks like:  http://fertilitytreatmentcenter.com/EmbryoDonatio%20Database.pdf

   These are couples that have done In Vitro cycles, are done having their families, and that have left-over embryos.  They have chosen to donate them to the fertility clinic to help out other couples.  It's like adoption- because you have someone else's sperm and egg (fertilized embryo) inside you.  But the benefits are- that you control the pregnancy.  I control all the pre-natal care my baby would receive.  I personally don't smoke, drink, or do drugs.  I would take all the necessary pre-natal vitamins,etc.   I would give birth to the baby, so I already have parental rights.  (And I don't have to wait to be chosen for adoption, or worry if the birth mom will change her mind.)  Plus, it's about 1/3 the cost of traditional adoption.    So... we went home to consider this.

That evening, hubby and I were talking about our options.  We were seriously looking into the Adopt-An-Embryo program.  Looking at the spreadsheet, there was a set of good embryos that we were interested in.  But when I emailed the IVF coordinator on Tues morning, she informed me that that specific set had been reserved the night before.  :(  

I was disappointed all over again.  It feels like this part of my life is about learning to deal with disappointments.... big and small.

I have had 3 well-meaning friends/ family members offer to be a surrogate for me.  But that's not even an option.  I'm out of embryos. That's super expensive.   Plus, I don't know that I could put a friend/ family member through all that.  They have no idea what they are offering.  It's pretty intense.  It's months of doctor appointments, drugs, shots, procedures.  I went through it.  It wasn't that fun, I promise.  I don't think I would put another person through that.  

So now... back to the drawing board.  I keep praying that the Lord will help me find what direction I'm supposed to go with this.  Am I supposed to have kids?  Am I not supposed to have my own kids?  Should I keep trying infertility treatments?  Should we focus on regular adoption?   I know when one door closes, another opens.  And I'm willing to move forward... I just wish I didn't have to have so many doors slammed in my face to find the right one for me.

So for right now, I'm working on getting my house ready for the home study.  (We had already started the process of getting certified for adoption last year, but took a break to try the IVF.)  We did the fingers prints, background checks, and physicals.  We just needed to meet with the Adoption Agency a few more times, and complete our home study.  So I guess that's my new focus.

  And try to figure out where to go from here.

The grieving process

This has been a really hard week for me.

I don't sleep well at night.  I wake up in the middle of the night, and I can't get back to sleep.
I find that I'm really angry at night.  Not in the day time when my conscious mind is awake.  But at night when my sub-conscious is there.  I'm still angry.  And I know anger is just a secondary emotion masking pain or fear.  I'm still in a lot of pain (mostly emotional), and it's manifesting as anger.  In the middle of the night no less.

This week was hard.  This was my first full week back since I found out that IVF didn't work.  I normally have a bubbly, energetic personality at my office where I work as a receptionist.  It was exhausting this week trying to maintain that.  What used to come naturally to me isn't there right now.  And it's really exhausting to maintain that level of energy when I'm not feeling it inside.  I'm being fake, and I don't like it.  But if I don't act like my normal self, then I'll get the "what's wrong?" questions.  And I'm not ready to face that either.  So... I'm stuck.

I'm having a hard time grieving for this.  Some nights I just cry and cry.  And it's been a week and a half since I found out I wasn't pregnant.

It's just such an abstract concept.  So I'm trying to grieve for a lost opportunity to get pregnant.  It's not like I was ever actually pregnant, so I'm not grieving for the loss of a baby.  

Tonight my friend Steph texted me to see how I was doing.  I told her I was having a rough day.  She called me.  She is my infertility friend.  She has a life that parallels mine.  We're close to the same age.  We both got married later in life.  She got married a year before me.  We both have been through infertility treatments.  Last year, we were doing IUI's at the same time each month, except we were 2 weeks off.  So she would be finding out her results right as I would be starting another IUI.  And then I would be finding out my results right as she was starting her next IUI.  It was an interesting dynamic.  But we were able to be there for each other during the hard times.  (Because neither of us got pregnant from those rounds of IUI's.)

Last fall she tried again, and was actually able to get pregnant from an IUI.  She was 3 months pregnant when she went into the doctor's office for a routine ultrasound.   And they couldn't find a heartbeat.  And so she has actually experienced the loss of a baby.

I've just experienced the loss of a potential pregnancy.  I was telling her all this. (while crying).  And she corrected me.  She said no- it was the same feelings.  Because not only did I lose our fertilized embryo, I had lost all my hopes and dreams that were attached to that embryo.  So it was similar feelings to a miscarriage.

So maybe that will help me process my feelings more.  Because tonight I was just too tired to deal with life.  Part of me wants to run away.  And part of me doesn't want to move.  My husband came home from his class to find me curled up in fetal position again on the bed.  I have a residual headache from crying too much.  And he was good.  He laid down on the bed beside me and put his arm around me.  He asked me what was wrong.  I told him it was the same thing that's been wrong for the past 2 weeks.  He held me.  And we talked.  And I cried.  And later he brought me some Sudafed to clear up my sinus headache (from crying).  He's a good guy.  

Usually I'm a very patient person, and don't very often get angry.   But since I've been doing infertility treatments, it comes up more.  (Which I know is masking pain and fear, but it still happens.)  So sometimes I get angry at Devon for stupid things.  Most days, he's been good about diffusing the situation though.  One time... to diffuse the situation, he quoted me a line from the movie "3 Amigos".  (and it comes to mind all the other times I get mad too.)    He said to me:  "Boss, do you think it's possible.... that once again, you are angry at something else....  and taking it out on me?"   And I stop to think about it.  Yep.  Then from there, we can usually get to the bottom of the what's really bothering me.

So... why did I have to go through all that?  The months of "procedures", surgeries, shots, drugs, blood draws, and poking/proding appointments?   I feel like a ran a marathon, and completed it... but don't get the medal at the end.  I crossed the finish line.  I did every hard thing they asked me to do.  Even though I didn't want to.  I did it because I had my eye on the prize at the end.  And now there's no prize.  And it sucks.

And I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here.  Most days, I'm in survival mode.  Just get through the day.  Then figure it out tomorrow...

These are the quotes that I saw on Facebook this week that stood out to me.

Finally ready to tell people

I have a secret.  And I don't know how to tell people.

I know the results.  I've known for over a week. 

And it sucks because I feel like I've been telling this story through my blog.  But my story doesn't end with happily ever after.

We got the lab results back last week.

And I'm not pregnant.

So.... I don't really know where to go from here.  

Obviously, we're beyond disappointed.  We're heart-broken.  We're trying to work through the various stages of grief.  We're trying to process these raging, raw emotions which are triggered so suddenly. Obviously, this was the Lord's will, and so I just have to trust that He has something different in mind for me.  And I get that. But that doesn't change the way I feel.  I go back and forth between feeling okay about it, and definitely NOT being okay with it.  So if you ask me how I'm doing, it depends.  It varies by the minute.

We were suppose to find out last Tuesday.  I went in for blood work at 10 am.  And they were going to call with the results in the afternoon.  My plan was to let it go to voicemail, so my husband and I could find out the results together that evening.  (After he got home from work.)   I originally had planned on taking the whole day off from work.  But then I realized I couldn't just sit at home and wait to get that phone call, and then wait all day until hubby came home.  I would go nuts.  So I went back to work to distract me.  I came home around 5:30 pm, and really only felt anxious from 5:30-7:30 pm when hubby came home.  We went into the bedroom, knelt down at the bed, and my husband said a prayer.  It was very sweet, and very spiritual.  And then we listened the voicemail on speaker phone.  Which said:  "Hi, this is Daina from Dr. Craig's office, please give us a call when you get this message."   ...... So....  no results.  I was actually okay with that.  As much as I wanted to find out, I kind of didn't want to find out.  There was something so permanent about knowing for sure.  I got to believe that I could be pregnant for another day.

Wednesday, I contacted the doctor's office and asked them to leave me the results on the voicemail.  I went into work, and when I came home, hubby and I repeated the scenario.  We went into the bedroom, knelt down to say a prayer, and listened to the voicemail on speaker phone.  They got the lab results back, and unfortunately, they came back negative.  I was not pregnant.  I looked at Devon, and started tearing up.  I said, "Well, at least we tried.  Now we know for sure."   But obviously that wasn't the answer I wanted.  Or that I even understood.  

At some point, I had started believing this was going to work.  In November/ December, I had had the attitude of we're just doing this to see what happens- if I can get pregnant.  (Since nothing else had been working)    In January, my attitude had shifted.  I really believed that I really was going to get pregnant.  As my friend put it, I was "cautiously optimistic".  I had started looking at different ways to announce my pregnancy on Pinterest.  I had started cleaning out the room we were going to use as the nursery.    I jumped the gun, and had even gotten a used crib, which I now is a painful reminded of what I don't have.

I curled up on the bed in fetal position.  Hubby curled up behind me.  We were both kind of in shock.  All of that work going through In Vitro... and it didn't work.  My body wasn't pregnant.  And we didn't have any more embryos to try again.  That was our one chance.  And it didn't work.  We tried talking (with me crying) about it... but it just ended in hubby falling asleep, and me staring absently into space trying to comprehend what just happened.

A few hours later, I was numb.  And hubby woke up.  We had to pick his car up from the mechanic, so I drove him there.  I made the mistake of putting on jeans to drive him there.  I haven't worn anything but stretchy pants or skirts since starting the Lovenox injections.  (Because my stomach was so bruised up, and my hips hurt so bad that I didn't like anything to touch it.)  I started to drive there, but had to pull over and make him drive.  Not only did I have to unzip my jeans to relieve the physical discomfort, but it just brought back the reason why it hurt to wear jeans, and I just started crying again in the car.  Tears kept rolling down my cheek under my sunglasses, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was heart-broken and disappointed.  But even more so, I really didn't want to have to break the news to my parents.  They had been so supportive through this whole process, and I hated the thought of letting them down.  We had talked about how this was going to be Grandkid #11 for them.  And now it's not.  I didn't know how to tell them.  Or my siblings.  Or anybody.  I didn't want them to be disappointed.  

Later that night, I texted my parents that I wanted to come over for a short visit.  I was going over in my head what I was going to say.  But it in the end, it didn't matter.  I couldn't talk.  I walked in their front door, saw my mom and dad, shook my head no, and started crying again.  They figured out the rest.

I texted each of my family members that night.  They were all so very loving, supportive, and gentle.  They helped me get through the night.

The next day (Thurs), I thought about going into work.  I had texted a co-worker who said she would open the office for me if I wanted to sleep in.  Or even cover for me the whole day if I wanted her to.  I had intended to go in, if nothing else it would be something to distract me from this news.  But the reality of it hit me the next morning when I woke up with a killer headache.  (From all the crying I did the previous day, I suppose)  So I ended up taking the day off.  And watching dumb TV shows- ranging from Thundercats (the 80's cartoon) to Judge Judy to Downton Abby.  It was a wide genre of shows.  But I just did whatever I could to get through the day.   A friend came to visit that evening, and that helped distract me.

Friday is kind of a blur.  I don't honestly remember what happened.  I had a hair appointment, and went out to lunch.  I don't remember what else.

Saturday, hubby was home with me.  I told him I wanted to go to the temple together.  We decided to just go to the Mesa Temple Visitor's Center.  We went inside, watched a simple video about families.  And I lost it again.  I was still having a hard time.  So was my hubby.  We stood out on the temple grounds looking at the scenery.  I asked him the same thing I asked him when I was getting my bad shots.  "We're going to get through this, right?"  

Sunday, I was doing pretty decent.  I went to church.  And was kind of praying about what our next step should be.  I got a text from my brother/ sister-in-law that they just had their baby.  (Which was a surprise)  We didn't think she would have him until the end of the month.  Seeing the pic of my brother holding that little baby just made me cry all over again.  I had to pray to ask Heavenly Father to help me not be jealous.

There was a beautiful musical number of my favorite song (Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing), which I cried all through.  (A good cry)  And the last speaker was interesting.  He had served his mission in Germany right around the time the Berlin wall went up.  

 Previously, the members in East Germany (a communist country) had traveled to Switzerland to go to the temple to be sealed.  But then the East Germany government made a new rule that there was no citizens could travel out of the country. The prophet visited the people and told them if they were faithful, they would not be denied any blessing that members of the church in other countries enjoyed.  For years, the members of the church kept requesting travel visas, and they kept getting denied.  Finally the Minister of Religious Affairs told the president of our church that the members would never be allowed to leave the country to go the temple.  Then he said, "I don't understand why you don't just build a temple here."  And so that's how the miracle of the temple in East Germany came about.  East Germany (a communist country) got a temple before West Germany did!

Those faithful members had to wait for the blessings that came so easily to other members of the church in other countries.  But eventually, their prayers were answered, and they not only got to go to the temple, but they had one built in their own country.

So that resonated with me.  Those church members in East Germany probably thought it wasn't fair.  And life's not fair.  But the Lord has a grand plan.  Even though we don't understand.  And one day, mortality will make sense.  Even if it doesn't right now. 

So... by the end of sacrament meeting, I was okay again.  I went to nursery to help out.  And I was okay with it.  Things are going to be okay in the long run.  I don't know why I don't get the chance to be pregnant, but there's a reason.  And I just have to have faith that there's another plan, and I just don't know what it is.  But it will be worth it in the end.

Waiting... and waiting.... Frozen Embryo Transfer

This meme makes me laugh.  I will admit, I have prayed for patience during this whole ordeal.

As much as I joke about it, I never really felt anxious after the transfer procedure.  I know of other people who had the embryo transfer done, that were going nuts waiting to get the results back.

Not me.  I felt very calm and peaceful.  Which I know is the direct result of so many people praying for me.  Because last year when I was doing all my IUI's each month, I was an emotional wreck.  But last year, I hadn't told people we were going through infertility treatments.  So I was going through it mostly alone.

This year I have been more open about it.   Because it's not something I'm ashamed of anymore.  It's a medical condition.  And not enough people talk about it.  Once I opened up and started blogging about my infertility, I had so many friends message me and tell me they had to do infertility treatments.  I was shocked.  So much so, that now if anyone has twins, I just assume it was probably due to fertility treatments rather than just occurring naturally!

Through-out my life, I have met some really good people (from many different religions).  And now because of social media, we are able to stay in touch even though we live in different parts of the country.  A lot of my friends are Mormon (Latter Day Saints)... just from all the different wards I've been in after college.  (A "ward" is the Mormon word for congregation).  

But I have many friends from almost every religion I can think of.  (and some that don't identify with any religion.)

They are have told me that I have been put on prayer chains, prayed for at mass, and had ministers offer prayers on my behalf, and put my names on a prayer roll at the temple.  All of which I whole-heartedly appreciate.  I figure the more prayers the better.  I love how people can become united in their faith.  Even though we have different belief systems, we all pray to the same God.  (an amusing discussion I had with one of my friends!)  She told me she contacted a Mormon to pray for me!!  LOL.  I reminded her that it doesn't have to be a Mormon that prays for other Mormons.  She could just cut out the middle man and pray for me herself!!  ;)   (Which she has been.)

And I can feel it.  And that's the only reason I can credit feeling calm at a time like this.  Waiting to find out what my future holds.  And I feel peaceful.  It's a huge blessing, and I am thankful to have such good friends.