Sharing our miscarriage

Sept 2nd- I told one person that I had miscarried.

My friend had written me on Facebook about her miscarriage.  And I wrote a blogpost about it.
It's here if you didn't get a chance to read it:  http://makingababythehardway.blogspot.com/2016/08/miscarriage-and-infertility.html

At the time I was writing that, I was pregnant, but hadn't told anyone.  I was just writing the blogpost about miscarriage to help others who have gone through miscarriage.  Because I know there are many different types of infertility.  And even though I had never personally dealt with a miscarriage, I thought it would be helpful to share the words of someone who had.

Little did I know, Heavenly Father was trying to prepare me for what was coming.  (Like it or not.)

Here's what I wrote to her:

So… as it turns out… you were truly inspired to write me. 

Last weekend, I wrote and shared your story about miscarriage on my blog to help others who might be experiencing the same thing. Little did I know, Heavenly Father was preparing me. (like it or not.) I was actually pregnant when you wrote me. We’ve been very private about this, but we did our last frozen embryo transfer in July with adopted embryos. And it worked. I was pregnant. We even got to hear the little heartbeat last week. This week, I would have been 7 weeks pregnant. I went in Wednesday for another ultrasound. And they couldn’t’ find the heartbeat. They said the baby hadn’t grown since last week. And that they were so sorry. And that was it. I held it together when they were in the room, but as soon as they left I started sobbing.

But later, I started thinking about what I wrote on the blog...

It’s interesting that Heavenly Father helped prepare my heart for this. Even though this is not a path I wanted to go down. I’m still processing my emotions with this, so I haven’t written about it yet. Actually, we still need to call my hubby’s side of the family and tell them about it. We had just barely told everyone last week that we were pregnant. (Just family) 

So anyway- that’s where we are at right now. Every 10 minutes I feel differently. Some moments I am fine. And the next I sink into a deep sadness. And I know I still need to experience the different stages of grief. I’m barely at the acceptance stage. It didn’t seem real that I was pregnant. I had just started to believe it after about a month. And the more people we told, the more it sunk in that I was really pregnant. (Especially after we heard the heartbeat.) So now, I am experiencing that same thing in reverse. I’m gradually trying to accept that I am not pregnant anymore. (Which will probably be more real once I actually start passing it.) For now, it’s just words. Anyway- I haven’t told anyone I was pregnant except my family.  But I’m not ready to tell anyone I'm not yet. I just felt like I should tell you. And let you know that the first person your experience is going to help is me.

This was what she wrote back:

Oh CJ. My heart just aches for you right now. I will write more to you in a little bit, I am running out the door to an appointment. But please know I am here. I am convinced God wanted us to be there for each other. Sending you tons of love, and will be back on here to write more in a bit...

SEP 2ND, 10:09AM
This will probably be a long message.  I wish I had some magic words for you to make this process better, but there really aren't any.  But I can offer you lots of love and prayers.  Allow yourself to grieve the loss of what was, and equally important the loss of what was to be.  And it will be a long process of grieving and remembering.  As the months went by, I had a hard time seeing people who were  "as pregnant" as I would have been, or who had babies around the time I would have.  My due date was particularly hard (and it will be again this time around).  Whenever I am particularly sad, I try to take all that sadness and honor the memory of the baby that left too soon by doing something good for others.  It makes me feel like I am doing something positive with a negative.... not saying it makes the pain any less, but it has been my way of getting through.  Everyone needs to find their own ways.  I also found and read books on miscarriage grief, and that was helpful too.  Your emotions are going to be all over the place, both because of the grief and because of the hormones.  Your body is going to be really confused, and no one really explained that to me.  In fact, there was a whole lot I didn't know to expect about the physical process of miscarriage.  It is probably too much TMI, but just know that if you have questions or want to know something, I will tell you and be honest with you about my experiences.  Every miscarriage is different, but they are all physically and emotionally painful.  I suspect the emotional pain makes the physical pain worse.  I have had a feeling that helping another woman with this process was part of my purpose and part of my journey-- God does indeed work in ways we will never fully understand.  I wish this hadn't been part of your journey.     Hang in there my friend.  Know that the roller coaster of emotions is normal and you have every right to grieve.  Please contact me ANYTIME!!  I am here if you want to text, or talk, or cry.  Sending love and strength to you.

I am blessed to have supportive friends in my life.  I hadn't told anyone else, not even my parents.  Her words helped prepare me for what was to come. 

 That night, I had Devon's brother and Bishop Anderson come over and give me a priesthood blessing of healing.  We had originally asked them to come over to give my hubby a blessing- because he was going to be having surgery later this month.  But since they were here.  I asked them to give me one too.  I needed it.  I wanted my body to be able to miscarry, and pass the baby naturally... without having to go in for any more procedures.  So Bishop Anderson gave me a very sweet, comforting blessing.  

No heartbeat this time.

I have been putting off writing this part of the blog.

At our last ultrasound (Aug 31st), we went in for a routine check-up.  I hadn't had any cramping, spotting or bleeding over the last week.  It was just a normal ultrasound. 

I told Devon to record a video of the heartbeat on my phone because the last time we forgot.  (Because this was an infertility specialist's office, their ultrasound equipment didn't record audio, just video.)  Once we transferred to a normal OB's office, we would get the normal ultrasounds.  Technically, I was 7 weeks pregnant, and they transfer care to a regular OB's office around 12 weeks.

I was blessed that I had hubby there with me that morning.

Because things were different this time.  They couldn't find a heartbeat.  She tried different ways to do the ultrasound.  But in the end, it was unsuccessful.  She measured, and the baby hadn't grown at all since the week before.  (and it was supposed to double in size)  So even if I was tempted to think the equipment just wasn't finding the heartbeat, and it was still there.... the fact that the baby hadn't grown at all in the past week proved what they were saying.

From the moment that Susan (the ultrasound person) said she was having trouble finding the heartbeat, I just froze.  I didn't say anything.  But gradually, one by one, a tear would slip out my right eye onto the pillow.   Devon was squeezing my hand.  I didn't even look at him.  She tried different ways to detect the heartbeat before eventually telling me she was so sorry.  She said I could get dressed, and the medical assistant would come in to talk to me.  I didn't move.  I just laid there.  Eventually, she kindly said to take as long as I need.  I held it together when she was in the room, but the second she left I started sobbing.  I cried out to Devon "What is WRONG with my body?!?!"  I just sobbed and sobbed.  Devon just hugged me and although he wasn't crying, he eyes were red and teary.  I just laid there.  I didn't know what to do at that point.

I remembered what had occurred the night before.  Each night became increasingly more difficult to do the progesterone intra-muscular butt shots.  There's a relatively small area you can do them in, and every time you do it, it leaves a knot.  The night before had been a rough one.  (There was not an area without a knot in it, so he had to go through one of the knots which really hurt.)   I was crying afterwards- and wondering out loud if this was all worth it.  I had even said "what if it's not there anymore?"   Now technically the baby had quit growing the week before.  So I didn't make myself miscarry by saying that.  But it still felt weird that I had said that... and then it came true.

The medical assistant Christina came in to talk to us.  She was really kind and compassionate.  She talked really softly and told us that there was nothing we did that caused this.  It was most likely a genetic abnormality, and the body recognized that and that is why it quit growing.

She told me that it most likely would pass over the next 30 days,  (But didn't know when it would start or how long it would last- every person is different.)  But I would need to come back in a week or two for a blood test.  This would check to make sure my HCG levels were dropping appropriately.  Because if they weren't, we would need to consider alternative methods.  (Such as a D&C or medication that would help it pass.)  I was done with doctors at this point.  So I was really hoping my body just let it pass naturally.

And... we left.  I had only taken 2 hours off from work- because this was supposed to be a routine ultrasound.  But after this, I was an emotional wreck.  I texted my office manager to see if I could have the rest of the day off.  She was one of the few who knew I was actually pregnant.  She said of course.  I told her to tell everyone that I had a migraine.  (Because that wasn't a lie.  I had been crying so hard, my head was pounding.)

And we drove home... not ready to face our new future.  We had just barely told all our family last week that we were pregnant.  Now we had to un-tell everyone.  And I wasn't ready to do that.  So I didn't tell anyone.  I just went home.  And stayed there.

Baby's Heartbeat

Friday's ultrasound helped solidify the pregnancy in my mind.  As of 8/26/16, they said I was 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  (Which is interesting considering that embryo has only been inside me since 7/29/16!!)  But you have to take into account the time the embryo was in the petri dish!  (Since this was a frozen embryo transfer.)   So, the time is based on the embryo's development, not how long it's physically been inside me.  Does that mean I get to cut 2 weeks off my pregnancy?  Who knows!  ;)  That would be nice.  :)

It was really weird hearing the heartbeat.  It was beating at 104 beats per minute.  They gave us a jump drive with a recording of the heartbeat, but their machine doesn't record sound.  So it's only a silent movie of the heart beating.  I told hubby next time I'll have him record it with the video camera on my phone, so we could have the sound as well!

They gave me all sorts of new stuff.  An envelope that is titled "Turning Patients into Parents" with cheesy blue/pink graphics on it.  (But I still liked it.)

Inside were all the pictures of my ultrasound they had taken.  Some for my fridge, with copies for the grandparents.

It's official!  This is our baby!  See- they labeled the ultrasound in case I forgot what was inside me.  ;)

Telling people I'm pregnant.

Because some people knew we were doing another frozen embryo transfer, there really is no way to surprise people with a pregnancy announcement.

So after we heard that heartbeat at the ultrasound, I decided to tell my family.  I called each of them that evening and told them the good news.

Hubby was busy, so we waited until the weekend to phone all his siblings and his parents.

Everybody was so excited for us.  Prayers had been answered.  All the hardship we went through was finally worth it.  We deserved this.  We would be wonderful parents, etc, etc.   Everyone was literally so thrilled that this is finally happening.

For now, we only told family.  To be on the safe side, I wanted to wait until I was out of the first trimester before I told the world.  But that didn't stop me from thinking about how I would do it.

(and my due date is April 2016)

These were my favorites:

Posting a picture of me standing next to hubby, who is wearing this t-shirt:

I also want one with my dog Jasmine in it... since she is a big part of my life.  (She was in my wedding pics, so she should be in my pregnancy pics too!)  :D

I definitely want to do this one:

This one would be easy:

Jaz could easily do this one:

Same with this one:  I've actually already taken a similar picture with a different book, so I have the glasses already.   

This is my dog (below).  See! Jaz could TOTALLY do this shot!  ;)

This one's funny because the book titles are photoshopped.  

(I know because I tried searching for that one!)

This one is cute.

This one would be easy, but the shoe thing is kinda overdone..

Same here... probably won't do this one.

I like this one though!

haha!

Here's a few more non-dog related ideas:

 I think this one is funny.  :)

So many to choose from.  I'll probably do them all...  ;)

Ultrasound results: Hi kid.

So... it's official.  The baby decided to stick around!!

This is has been an interesting week for me.  Last Tuesday, Aug 16th, I started bleeding.  Not a ton, but enough that it was more than a few spots.  And I was concerned.  Hubby called a family friend Bryan- and he came over at 10:30 pm to give me a priesthood blessing.  In the blessing, hubby stated this was a trial of my faith.  After the blessing, I felt a sweet peace and reassurance inside.

The next day, I called my doctor.  They decided to alternate the Lovenox shot (blood thinner) to every other day.  (Maybe I was just getting too many blood thinners.)  I still would have spotting frequently, but they said as long as it's not a lot, it's okay.  My ultrasound appointment was scheduled for Aug. 31st.  I pretty much had some bleeding every other day.  But it wasn't consistent.  But I had some cramping off and on.

Well then Wed, Aug. 24th, I was spotting in the morning.  That afternoon, I had a lot of cramping.  When I got home, I discovered I had bleed out through my shorts.  (a lot.)  I called the doctor's office to see what I should do.  They wanted me to come in Thursday or Friday to check it out.

We were blessed that my husband was able to arrange to take an hour off from work to go with me to this appointment, because usually Fridays are his busiest days.  The ultrasound tech was able to locate the baby.  It stuck around.  There was still one there.  So maybe all that bleeding was the other embryo passing?  Or a blood clot?  Who knows.  But one of those little embryos stuck around and attached high up in my uterus.    And we were able to hear the heartbeat.  It was a fast paced sound.  (104 beats per minute.)  They said anything over 100 is good.  So... it's still there.

It felt weird hearing the heartbeat.  It's like I was wondering- is that sound coming out of me??  I guess I still haven't accepted the reality yet that I'm pregnant.  I still feel guarded.  Like part of me feels like this isn't real or isn't going to stick around.

But later I came to the realization that I can be excited for this now.  And if things change down the road, well then I'll mourn for that loss then.  For now, I am pregnant, and there is a heartbeat,  so that needs to be celebrated.  

That evening, I called my family to tell them I was pregnant.  I'm not telling everyone yet.  Just family and friends I consider family.  It's still so new, and there is of course a chance of miscarriage in the first trimester.  So I'm going to wait to tell the world until later.  But I told those I'm closest to.  And the more people I called, the more the reality set in that this was real.  

So... that's my news.  I'm pregnant.  :)

Pregnancy- confusion and uncertainty

So.. Am I pregnant?  Possibly?  I think so?

On Tues. Aug 9th, I went in for my blood draw as usual.  I felt at peace about it.  Whatever happened, I would have closure.  This was our last time doing infertility.  So whatever happened, happened.

That night, I listened to the voicemail with my hubby.  It was weird.  They said I was pregnant, and to continue my medications.  And they needed to see me back for another blood draw in 2 days.  This was new.

So... I am pregnant?  It worked?  All those butt shots and bruises were worth it??  Both hubby and I had a hard time believing the news.  We just kind of sat there....   he said he really didn't know what to do now.  I said he should probably give me a hug and a kiss.  :)    We were both kind of in shock.  I didn't tell anyone, because I wasn't sure it wasn't a mistake.

I had my 2nd blood test that Thursday.  They said my #'s are still rising and looking good.  They told me my Beta was 314, and my Progesterone was 80.  (and anything over 20 was good).  I don't really know what that means... other than they are still saying I am pregnant.  So maybe I had better start to believe it.

I called my parents to tell them we were expecting!
They were out of state, so I sent them this text:

My mom and dad were beyond thrilled.  This a picture of the embryos they put inside me.  It could be a single baby, or I could be pregnant with twins!

Hubby started sending me funny texts calling me his "Baby Mama."  And I called him my "Baby Daddy".  We were testing out those nicknames.  Seeing if it made this feel more real.

My numbers keep going up.  You have 3 blood tests during the first 2 weeks.  Then you wait over a week and come back for your first ultrasound.  At that point, they can hear the heartbeat and confirm with certainty that things look good.

On the evening of Tues. Aug. 16th, I started spotting.  Bright red blood.  I was a little concerned.  I had been have some mild cramping, and was really tired the past few days.


I was worried about it.  So I asked for a priesthood blessing.  Devon and Bishop Anderson gave me one.  Devon said the blessing.  He told me this was a trial of my faith.  And he also blessed me with comfort, and told me I had a big heart.

When I had my blood draw the next day, I told them about the spotting.  They said to keep an eye on it, and let them know if it gets worse.  But my #'s still looked good.  So I was still pregnant.  The medical assistant Alexix who drew my blood hugged me when she called me back.  (She hadn't seen me since I found out.)

Thurs. Aug 18th, I started bleeding again.  More than the last time I was spotting.  I called the Fertility Treatment Center... they decided to alternate my blood thinners.  For now I only have to do the Lovenox every other night, and the baby aspirin every other day.   They said not to be too concerned about the embryos.  The spotting is only a concern if I have severe cramping and enough blood for a period.  (Which I hadn't.)  They said the mild cramping is because my uterus is basically like a hotel under reconstruction...   She recommended I lie around a lot... be as 'slug-like' as possible.   So I did.

My next appointment was the ultrasound... until then I was on very restricted activities.  No exercising, no swimming, no bathing, no sex.  Nothing until we heard the baby's heartbeat.

Today's the day we find out if I'm pregnant.

Today I had my blood test to find out if I'm pregnant.

Last time I went through this, I was filled with a feeling of dread.

It's different this time.  I've made my peace with it.  If I am pregnant, then we'll figure out how to navigate that road.  There will be 2 more blood tests just to make sure my numbers keep going up.  Then in 2 1/2 weeks, they'll do an ultrasound.  (I get those all the time, but this time there would be a baby (or two) in there.)

And if I'm not pregnant, well then it will be okay.  I'll be disappointed, but also relieved to finally have closure.  I will have literally done everything I could have possibly done to get pregnant.  And if doesn't happen by this point, then obviously the Lord has different plans for me.  (and quite honestly, it will be a relief to stop doing all the butt and tummy shots every night.  Those don't feel good.)

So... now we wait...

My friend Rainie sent me an interesting conference talk called "Trust in the Lord" 

And here's the part that stood out to me.  It's pretty obvious the Lord wanted me to grow and learn from this whole infertility experience....

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

This life is an experience in profound trust—trust in Jesus Christ, trust in His teachings, trust in our capacity as led by the Holy Spirit to obey those teachings for happiness now and for a purposeful, supremely happy eternal existence. To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning (see Prov. 3:5–7). "