No heartbeat this time.

I have been putting off writing this part of the blog.

At our last ultrasound (Aug 31st), we went in for a routine check-up.  I hadn't had any cramping, spotting or bleeding over the last week.  It was just a normal ultrasound. 

I told Devon to record a video of the heartbeat on my phone because the last time we forgot.  (Because this was an infertility specialist's office, their ultrasound equipment didn't record audio, just video.)  Once we transferred to a normal OB's office, we would get the normal ultrasounds.  Technically, I was 7 weeks pregnant, and they transfer care to a regular OB's office around 12 weeks.

I was blessed that I had hubby there with me that morning.

Because things were different this time.  They couldn't find a heartbeat.  She tried different ways to do the ultrasound.  But in the end, it was unsuccessful.  She measured, and the baby hadn't grown at all since the week before.  (and it was supposed to double in size)  So even if I was tempted to think the equipment just wasn't finding the heartbeat, and it was still there.... the fact that the baby hadn't grown at all in the past week proved what they were saying.

From the moment that Susan (the ultrasound person) said she was having trouble finding the heartbeat, I just froze.  I didn't say anything.  But gradually, one by one, a tear would slip out my right eye onto the pillow.   Devon was squeezing my hand.  I didn't even look at him.  She tried different ways to detect the heartbeat before eventually telling me she was so sorry.  She said I could get dressed, and the medical assistant would come in to talk to me.  I didn't move.  I just laid there.  Eventually, she kindly said to take as long as I need.  I held it together when she was in the room, but the second she left I started sobbing.  I cried out to Devon "What is WRONG with my body?!?!"  I just sobbed and sobbed.  Devon just hugged me and although he wasn't crying, he eyes were red and teary.  I just laid there.  I didn't know what to do at that point.

I remembered what had occurred the night before.  Each night became increasingly more difficult to do the progesterone intra-muscular butt shots.  There's a relatively small area you can do them in, and every time you do it, it leaves a knot.  The night before had been a rough one.  (There was not an area without a knot in it, so he had to go through one of the knots which really hurt.)   I was crying afterwards- and wondering out loud if this was all worth it.  I had even said "what if it's not there anymore?"   Now technically the baby had quit growing the week before.  So I didn't make myself miscarry by saying that.  But it still felt weird that I had said that... and then it came true.

The medical assistant Christina came in to talk to us.  She was really kind and compassionate.  She talked really softly and told us that there was nothing we did that caused this.  It was most likely a genetic abnormality, and the body recognized that and that is why it quit growing.

She told me that it most likely would pass over the next 30 days,  (But didn't know when it would start or how long it would last- every person is different.)  But I would need to come back in a week or two for a blood test.  This would check to make sure my HCG levels were dropping appropriately.  Because if they weren't, we would need to consider alternative methods.  (Such as a D&C or medication that would help it pass.)  I was done with doctors at this point.  So I was really hoping my body just let it pass naturally.

And... we left.  I had only taken 2 hours off from work- because this was supposed to be a routine ultrasound.  But after this, I was an emotional wreck.  I texted my office manager to see if I could have the rest of the day off.  She was one of the few who knew I was actually pregnant.  She said of course.  I told her to tell everyone that I had a migraine.  (Because that wasn't a lie.  I had been crying so hard, my head was pounding.)

And we drove home... not ready to face our new future.  We had just barely told all our family last week that we were pregnant.  Now we had to un-tell everyone.  And I wasn't ready to do that.  So I didn't tell anyone.  I just went home.  And stayed there.