My friend had written me on Facebook about her miscarriage. And I wrote a blogpost about it.
It's here if you didn't get a chance to read it: http://makingababythehardway.blogspot.com/2016/08/miscarriage-and-infertility.html
At the time I was writing that, I was pregnant, but hadn't told anyone. I was just writing the blogpost about miscarriage to help others who have gone through miscarriage. Because I know there are many different types of infertility. And even though I had never personally dealt with a miscarriage, I thought it would be helpful to share the words of someone who had.
Little did I know, Heavenly Father was trying to prepare me for what was coming. (Like it or not.)
Here's what I wrote to her:
So… as it turns out… you were truly inspired to
write me.
Last weekend, I wrote and shared your story about miscarriage on my
blog to help others who might be experiencing the same thing. Little did I
know, Heavenly Father was preparing me. (like it or not.) I was actually
pregnant when you wrote me. We’ve been very private about this, but we did our
last frozen embryo transfer in July with adopted embryos. And it worked. I was
pregnant. We even got to hear the little heartbeat last week. This week, I would
have been 7 weeks pregnant. I went in Wednesday for another ultrasound. And
they couldn’t’ find the heartbeat. They said the baby hadn’t grown since last
week. And that they were so sorry. And that was it. I held it together when
they were in the room, but as soon as they left I started sobbing.
But later, I started thinking about what I wrote
on the blog...
It’s interesting that Heavenly Father helped
prepare my heart for this. Even though this is not a path I wanted to go down. I’m
still processing my emotions with this, so I haven’t written about it yet.
Actually, we still need to call my hubby’s side of the family and tell them about
it. We had just barely told everyone last week that we were pregnant. (Just
family)
So anyway- that’s where we are at right now. Every 10 minutes I feel
differently. Some moments I am fine. And the next I sink into a deep sadness.
And I know I still need to experience the different stages of grief. I’m barely
at the acceptance stage. It didn’t seem real that I was pregnant. I had just
started to believe it after about a month. And the more people we told, the
more it sunk in that I was really pregnant. (Especially after we heard the
heartbeat.) So now, I am experiencing that same thing in reverse. I’m gradually
trying to accept that I am not pregnant anymore. (Which will probably be more
real once I actually start passing it.) For now, it’s just words. Anyway- I
haven’t told anyone I was pregnant except my family. But I’m not ready to tell anyone I'm not yet. I just felt like
I should tell you. And let you know that the first person your experience is
going to help is me.
This was what she wrote back:
This will probably be a long message. I wish I had some magic words for you to make this process better, but there really aren't any. But I can offer you lots of love and prayers. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of what was, and equally important the loss of what was to be. And it will be a long process of grieving and remembering. As the months went by, I had a hard time seeing people who were "as pregnant" as I would have been, or who had babies around the time I would have. My due date was particularly hard (and it will be again this time around). Whenever I am particularly sad, I try to take all that sadness and honor the memory of the baby that left too soon by doing something good for others. It makes me feel like I am doing something positive with a negative.... not saying it makes the pain any less, but it has been my way of getting through. Everyone needs to find their own ways. I also found and read books on miscarriage grief, and that was helpful too. Your emotions are going to be all over the place, both because of the grief and because of the hormones. Your body is going to be really confused, and no one really explained that to me. In fact, there was a whole lot I didn't know to expect about the physical process of miscarriage. It is probably too much TMI, but just know that if you have questions or want to know something, I will tell you and be honest with you about my experiences. Every miscarriage is different, but they are all physically and emotionally painful. I suspect the emotional pain makes the physical pain worse. I have had a feeling that helping another woman with this process was part of my purpose and part of my journey-- God does indeed work in ways we will never fully understand. I wish this hadn't been part of your journey.
Hang in there my friend. Know that the roller coaster of emotions is normal and you have every right to grieve. Please contact me ANYTIME!! I am here if you want to text, or talk, or cry. Sending love and strength to you.I am blessed to have supportive friends in my life. I hadn't told anyone else, not even my parents. Her words helped prepare me for what was to come.
That night, I had Devon's brother and Bishop Anderson come over and give me a priesthood blessing of healing. We had originally asked them to come over to give my hubby a blessing- because he was going to be having surgery later this month. But since they were here. I asked them to give me one too. I needed it. I wanted my body to be able to miscarry, and pass the baby naturally... without having to go in for any more procedures. So Bishop Anderson gave me a very sweet, comforting blessing.
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