Not ready to develop character I guess.

Sometimes, I recognize the Lord is trying to prompt me or speak to me.

I read this quote "Character is revealed in the power to discern the suffering of other people when we ourselves are suffering; in the ability to detect the hunger of others when we are hungry; and in the power to reach out and extend compassion for the spiritual agony of others when we are in the midst of our own spiritual distress."  - David A. Bednar.

I understand that is eventually what the Lord would like me to grow to become.  But I also know that this is not where I am right now.

It is difficult to focus on others when you are going through a hardship.  Yet, it is by focusing on others that our own burdens are lifted.  Sometimes I remember that, and sometimes I know that in my head, but still can't bring myself to do it.

Today I had to leave church early.  The 3rd meeting is called Relief Society.  It's the class where all the women meet together.  I was already feeling a little weird today.  I was writing on my blog this morning, and that got all this stuff in my head.

So by the 3rd hour, I was feeling out of place.  There were too many people with babies.  Too many of my friends who were pregnant.  It was overwhelming.  So I got up and left.

I had been feeling down since the beginning of church, and usually my hubby is there to be supportive, but he had to work today.  So I didn't have my back-up.

There's a period of time that you have to acknowledge and give a voice to your emotions.  I think it's important to validate your emotions- so they don't stay bottled up and trapped inside you.  It's part of the grieving process to work through these emotions.

My father-in-law said something that stuck out to me.  We had to call them last week to tell them we miscarried.  (That was difficult... to untell everyone we had already told.)   He and his wife had been through 4 miscarriages.  And he said it wasn't something that you moved on from.  It will always be a part of you.  So you don't ever move on, but you do move forward.   That makes sense to me.

This past weekend, we finally finished telling everyone that we had miscarried.  I don't like saying that we "lost the baby"- because I didn't lose it.  It's still inside of me.  But we were experiencing a miscarriage.  Technicality, I know.  But it's how my brain works.

Anyway- it was really hard telling all our family members that I wasn't pregnant.  I was afraid of letting them down.  I didn't want them to be disappointed.  I didn't want them to think their prayers weren't answered.  And truthfully, I didn't want to admit it was true.  Devon told his relatives, and I told mine.  That was really hard.

My brother Brad and his wife have experienced 6 miscarriages total.  (all between 8-11 weeks.)  He told me that for some they had told people they were expecting.  And for some, they hadn't told yet.  He said the times they had told, people were able to be more sympathetic, and more compassionate- because they experienced the roller coaster of emotions with you.  The high, then the low.   For the times they hadn't told people yet, there wasn't as much sympathy expressed.  Simply because they weren't a part of that experience.

That being said, I am glad we only told family.  Because I got tired of telling people.  Towards the end, I had my parents and sister-in-law tell the rest of the family.  Because I didn't want to talk about it anymore.  It was too raw.