Transfer Day- FET

Today was the big day.  It's kind of nice having done this a few times before, so you know exactly what to expect.  It's not nerve-wracking.  You can smile and joke around with nurses.  You can tell the couple checking into the surgery center was there for the first time.  They were very tense.  And it was all new and scary.  Yep.  Been there.  Done that.  It is very scary when you don't know what to expect.

But I had the same staff- saw the same faces, the same x-ray tech.  This was our 3rd time doing this, so it was pretty straight-forward.  Dr. Craig gave us a 68-70% success rate, with a 40% chance of twins.  He asked me before he put the two embryos in if I was okay with multiples.  I said of course!  Then I'd be done!

Jaz (my dog) always knows when something is up.  You're on "couch rest" for the first 48 hours after the transfer.  Jaz decided she wanted to lay on my back, because... why not??  Day 2 of "couch rest" is always the hardest for me.  I get kind of stir-crazy.  I can only watch so much TV.  Then I want to go do something... but I can't.  And knowing that I can't makes me even more stir-crazy!  :P

But I stayed down.  I had arranged for friends to come visit, so I had someone to talk to.  We played games, watched movies, and just chatted.  And tried not to think too much about the future.

Beautiful on the Inside- (my uterus)

Usually when someone tells you that you are "beautiful on the inside"- they are talking about your character or your heart or soul.

Today I got told my insides were beautiful... but they literally meant my internal organs!

The ultrasound tech Susan said my uterus was looking beautiful.  It had a textbook 3 stripe lining.  

So once they get my blood work back, they'll let me know if I need to change any of my medications.  But it's probably going to be the same if things are looking good on my insides.  ;)

Acupuncture for Infertility

If you know anything about me at all, you know I do NOT like needles.  Each time I go through these procedures, they always tell me acupuncture is optional.  (Which to me means NO THANK YOU.)

 Originally the idea of sticking a bunch of little needles in my body did not appeal to me.  (And it still doesn't!)  But I started thinking about it, and I figured why not.  Even though I detest needles, it can't be worse what what I've already been through with the progesterone butt shots!  Besides, people have told me it doesn't really hurt anyway.

So even though I declined doing it the last 2 times we did Frozen Embryo Transfers, I decided to go for it this time.  Our treatment coordinator said to try it about a month before the transfer to make sure I could relax while receiving the acupuncture.  Because if I wasn't able to relax, there was no point doing it the day of the transfer.

So I tried it.  This is a picture of what the needles look like.  They are about the length of a post-it note.

The needles aren't really like normal needles.  They are thin and flexible.  And they don't really hurt when they're in you.

But it's still weird.  It didn't hurt, but I didn't ever relax either.  I just knew the needles were there.  I don't know too much about Acupuncture for Infertility.  (Other than I have a friend in Utah who was struggling with infertility, and she got pregnant after doing acupuncture treatments.)  So I was willing to give it a try.

You lie on the table (fully clothed), and they'll dim the lights, and play pretty music.  Meanwhile, you try not to think about the needles that are all poking out of your skin.  After about 20-30 minutes, the guy came back into the room and took them out.  And that was it.

After it was over, I decided not to do it on the day of my transfer.  It didn't hurt.  But I was very aware of them.  (But then again, I have a needle phobia.)  So... for other people this may be a great option.    It's just not for me.  ;)

Here we go again...

So... guess what... we're at it again.

Third time is the charm right??  Well, this will be our third Frozen Embryo Transfer.  (Before that we did IVF, before that IUI's, before that random surgeries and procedures, and before that we just tried having intercourse like "normal" people.  Nothing's worked so far.  But this time will be different.

1)  Because it will work and I will become pregnant.

-or-

2) Because this is for sure the last time we'll be doing any infertility treatments.

So, there are 2 ways to play this.  The first time we did this (Round 1), I was very open about every step of the process  That way, everyone knew what was going on, and I didn't have to answer so many questions.  Also, I wrote down my experiences in the hopes that this might help someone else reading it who struggled with infertility.  But I was expecting it to work.  And after a very public emotional roller-coaster, I had to publicly acknowledge my broken, aching heart.  And that was difficult to go through.

Round 2- I kept to myself.  Only the people involved knew I was trying it again.  Same routine, same shots, same appointments.  I had better odds this time.  2 good fertilized embryos were implanted in me.   But it had the same result.  Unsuccessful.  The recovery process was a little bit easier, simply because I had been through it before, so I didn't really get my hopes up.  And also because I didn't have to face the world with my negative results.  

Side Note: I'm not going to call them failures, because I didn't fail.  I had a very insensitive elderly gentleman say to me:  "I heard you failed".  At the time, I was confused what he was talking about.  So I said "Failed at what?"  He said, "You didn't get pregnant."  That totally caught me off-guard.  I forgot that I had told him and his wife that we were doing infertility treatments last year, and I hadn't seen them in 6 months.  I did my best not to get infuriated because were were in a public place.  I downplayed it, and said it didn't work out.  Then I changed the subject.  But inside I was fired up.  I DID NOT FAIL!  I did EVERY SINGLE THING that was asked of me.  I went through every procedure.  I took every pill, got every shot, blood draw, ultrasound, suppository, procedure, etc.  So far, I've had 3 fertilized embryos implanted inside me, and they haven't stuck around.  Bu that has nothing to do with me.  I did everything I could to make those work.  So no, I did not fail.  It took me a while to simmer down from that one.  (I guess it's still kind of sensitive subject.)  Note to others:  Don't say that to a person going through infertility treatments.  Not a good idea.

So that brings us to Round 3.  And I debated whether to endure it privately or go through it publicly this time.  And I think a mixture of both.  I'll share when I'm ready.  In the meantime, I would kindly request that you don't ask.  (If I don't bring it up.)  Like I said, I'll share when I'm ready.

But after talking with a friend of mine, I realized I needed to write this blog for others who are going through infertility.  My friend "J" had sent me an email saying how she had been suffering with infertility for the past 2 years, just very privately.  And it made me realize that I need to write this, so people know they are not alone.  And that this is very common.  The statistic is 1 in 8 women will have trouble conceiving.  (for a large variety of reasons)  And it just makes you feel better knowing you are not the only one going through this.  

So that's why I'm sharing again.  To help others understand the complex world of infertility- where they speak a whole different language made up mainly of acronyms.  (IUI, IVF, EMD, HSG, RE)  It's scary and hard to navigate, so it's helpful to have someone who has been down that road before.  (I had several friends who did this for me.)  So I am just returning the favor.

Idaho couple posts funny Infertility Announcements

These "funny infertility announcements" were featured on the Today Show.  (and were created by Spencer and Whitney Blake.)   There were several clever ones.  But  these two were my fav's.   I can totally relate.

1st fav-  YEP!!!

Courtesy of Whitney and Spencer Blake / http://spencerandwhitneyadoption.blogspot.co.uk



2nd fav-   funny story relating to this one!


Courtesy of Whitney and Spencer Blake / http://spencerandwhitneyadoption.blogspot.co.uk


So, looking this one over... I could totally relate to everything on the right hand side.  I have endometriosis.  I have taken clomid.  I can relate to the total frustration to going through everything and then getting a negative result.  So when I saw SOB..  I thought it was short for  Son of A ______.  (I completely understand that frustration.)   But my sister pointed out... no... it probably meant sob... (crying)   Oooooh!!!   LOL.  I guess it could mean that too!   (Both apply to this situation, so it has a double meaning.)

It's fun to look through these... knowing that other people are experiencing the same things I am going through.

Infertility Failure vs. Success

This last week, I had an elderly couple come into the  dental office where I work.  They are very sweet, and even gave me a card when I got married.  But this time, the husband said something really insensitive.

He came into the office for his appointment, and said "I heard you failed."  I was confused what he was talking about.  So I said "Failed at what?"  He said, "You didn't get pregnant."  That totally caught me off-guard.  I forgot that I had told them I was doing infertility treatments last year.  I just played it off- like well, they didn't work.  We're keeping our options open... maybe we'll adopt."  Then I changed the subject.

Inside, I was fired up.  I DID NOT FAIL.  I did every single thing they asked me to do.  Every shot, every drug, every procedure.  I did EVERYTHING.  So NO, I did not fail.  So far, 3 embryos haven't stuck around after they've been transplanted.  But that has nothing to do with me.  (It took me a while to simmer down from that one.)  (On the inside.)  Outside I was still as pleasant as I could handle being...  

Feeling defeated

My hubby came home and I was sitting on the couch looking at my phone.

He commented... you look defeated.

I kind of felt defeated.. but I didn't know why.

Later I figured out it was related to what I was looking at.  Someone I admire is Al Fox Carraway.  And I follow her Instagram account.  She had just had a baby boy.  And he was adorable.

I especially loved this picture they took.  I love the name tag.  (Credit: Al Fox)

I hope to be able to do this one day.   I shouldn't look at newborn pics, because sometimes they make me sad.  Wondering if I will every have that opportunity in this life.

But once I acknowledged that emotion and explained to hubby what I was feeling, I at least validated what I was feeling.  And didn't dwell on it.  Then I went on to do something to distract myself.  That's my best coping technique when I get in a funk.  I have to figure out what triggered that emotion, validate it, then try to distract myself with something else.  It's what works for me right now.