The Gift of Being Broken

Today I read a blogpost that really resonated with me.  It was called "The Gift of Being Broken."  I think a lot of people can relate to this. 

Read what the author Ariel Szuch shared:  https://www.lds.org/blog/the-gift-of-being-broken?lang=eng

She said:
"However, God is good, and He has taught me a valuable lesson about being broken through my life’s experiences:

Brokenness is a gift.

Why? Because our brokenness connects us to each other, and our brokenness brings us to Christ. It is by bringing our broken hearts to Him that we are made whole.

Sharing our brokenness brings meaning to our experiences, and the connection we make with others when we share our stories brings healing."

***This is true.  And it's interesting how our lives interconnect.  When I first started going through my infertility procedures and struggles, a close friend started her infertility journey about 6 months after us.  She would do an IUI, then I would do an IUI.  Our timing seemed to alternate, so she could comfort me when mine were unsuccessful, and then I could be there for her when hers were unsuccessful.   She and her husband did rounds and rounds of IUI's.  (Artificial Insemination)   Finally they decided to invest the money, and get IVF.  (In Vitro Fertilization)  Similar to me, she got married later in life.  Just like me, she and her husband are LDS and have wanted kids their whole life.  And they were so thrilled to find out that she was pregnant after their procedure.   Unlike me who kept my pregnancy quiet, she told everyone that it was successful.  And they were expecting.  Things were going along great.  She almost made it to the end of the 1st trimester.  And when she went in for her ultrasound, they were unable to find a heartbeat.  (just like me).  How I wish that wasn't the case.  How I wish she wouldn't have to go through the same devastation that I went through.  How I wish her baby could have kept growing.  But no.  For whatever reason, it wasn't meant to be.  It's a dark place to be in when you first miscarry.  But that's okay.   She texted me the day after she got the news.  I was in Walmart.  And as our texting conversation went on, I started crying in Walmart.  I went to the the housewares aisle which was less crowded than the grocery aisles.  And I could honestly share in her misery.  It sucks.  You go through all that blood, shots, surgeries, and tears, and for what?  It seems like all that pain and suffering is for nothing.   (Having gone through it, I know it's a refiner's fire.  But in the middle of going through it, you're not able to see it yet.)   But I was able to tell her that it hurts less on the other side.  It's been almost a year since I miscarried.  And I'm definitely glad to be on the other side of that trial.  Because now I can look back, and identify what the author is talking about below is this quote: 

"Being broken is a gift, because when we are broken, we recognize the need for a Savior to make us whole.

There’s a reason that the sacrifice Jesus asks of us is a “broken heart and a contrite spirit.” A broken heart is one that is open to Him, that lets in His grace. He felt our pains and sorrows first, and by going through a little of what He went through, we feel His power in our lives."

This is the other things I have learned through this trial.  That Jesus Christ literally has bound up my wounds, and pieced my broken heart back together.  (at times I thought I was going to completely lose it.)  I have felt a peace that only my Savior Jesus Christ could give.  And so although I still struggle with my infertility and the direction of my life.  It's not as intense now.  And I can definitely recognize that the Lord was there to comfort me during my trials.  And I had to go down that road, if only to know that I tried everything I could.  And to learn that was not my path.  

I'm still learning what my path in this life is.  But I know I have learned to rely on Jesus Christ more over the past few years than ever before in my life.  And that's all I really know right now.  And I have that knowledge as I move forward... to whatever the future holds.

Aftermath of Infertility- healing through music

Facebook time hop is normally a good thing.  Showing me pictures and memories of years past.  It's fun to reminisce.  Sometimes.  

This week, a picture of a stuffed unicorn and a potted flower came up.  And it hurt my heart.  My husband bought me that after one of our harder my last IVF surgery.  That was the one that resulted in pregnancy, but then later miscarriage.

At church during Relief Society, we had a special lesson taught by Tierra Jones.  It was full of special musical numbers.  Since Tierra was teaching the lesson, she was able to recruit her family members to help out.  They are phenomenal singers.  Bryson and Tierra sang a duet which was beyond beautiful.  Then Bryson's brother sang the song "You Have Nothing To Fear From This Journey"... written by Rob Gardner.  And I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face.  It brought a comfort and soothing feeling to my hurting heart.  I'll always be grateful to her for that lesson.  It helped to heal a part of my soul.

Here's the song:

https://youtu.be/cmtqj3R2ioA

And here are the lyrics:

You have nothing to fear from the journey,
Though your way may be burdened by thorns.
For the Lord will be with you each step of the way
As you travel with faith through the storm.
And you've nothing to fear from your trials,
Though they seem far too heavy to bear.
Take His hand and He'll lead you gently along
And you'll find peace and safety there.

You have nothing to fear from the journey, 
Though your body is tired and worn. 
For the Lord will send angels to lift up your arms
And He'll carry the burden you've born.
And you've nothing to fear from your suff'ring,
Nor the grief you've been called on to bear,
Take His hand and He'll lead you gently along
And you'll find peace and safety there.

There is nothing to fear from the nights that are lonely,
There's nothing to fear from the cold!
There's nothing to fear from what might be tomorrow,
For heaven is with you, 
And angels watch over 
His fold.

You have nothing to fear from the journey, 
Though it seems far too early to go. 
Heaven's angels will take you where tears are no more 
And they'll lead you to glory untold. 
And you've nothing to fear from your sorrow, 
Though your life has been burdened by care. 
Take His hand and He'll lead you safely back home 
And you'll rest from your labors there.

Christmas with no kids

My heart is not fully healed.  I am just getting by in terms of my infertility stuff.

I am back at the point where I can look at newborn babies again, and it doesn't bother me.  I can play with other people's kids and enjoy it.

But every now and then, things get to me.

  On Sunday, I was putting up the Christmas tree and stockings by myself because my husband had to work.  And I started getting sad.  I only hung up the 2 stockings with my dogs names on them.  I didn't even hang up mine or my husbands.  I didn't feel like it.  I really started feeling down.  What was the point?  Most of fun of Christmas involves the excitement of little kids.

   Last year, my hubby volunteered to work on Christmas day, so that this Christmas he would have off.   We planned it that way so he would be able to spend the 1st Christmas with our child.  That obviously didn't work out.   So... that Sunday was hard.

 That being said, I do know the true meaning of Christmas is to celebrate and honor the birth of Jesus Christ.  This year, my church did something different that really helped me focus on others, and not on myself.  And it really made it special this year.  And helped me forget about my current situation.

They had a calendar to download which had suggestions for each day, and ideas for how you could #LightTheWorld.  They were usually service opportunities.  And I tried each day to do one of them.  (And was successful for most of the days.)   

This is my biggest secret to combating the feelings I have while I go through this frustrating process.  When I am focused on others, I tend to not think about my own issues.  I know it sounds really simple, but it really does work for me.

https://www.lds.org/blog/25-ways-to-lighttheworld-this-christmas?lang=eng

Don't put a period where God has intended for a comma.

Learning about punctuation here.  This quote caught my eye.  Sometimes I wonder if we just weren't suppose to have kids.  Obviously it's not working for my own body to get or stay pregnant.  But that's only sometimes I feel that way.  Most times, I would like to be able to have kids.  (one way or another.)

I was re-reading this blog because a friend has started IVF and was asking me some detailed questions.  And I had to re-read my blog to remember the answers!  I am glad this is behind me.  I read an entry from Nov 2015 - called "The Odds Are Never In My Favor".  And I remembered that time.  And I wrote about how much I cried.  And I cried so much I felt empty inside.

I don't feel that way anymore.  I get sad still.  A little sad.  Nothing as deep and overwhelming as when I was going through this trial.

This past weekend, we traveled out of town.  My husband's nephew got baptized, so we went to support him.  One of the speakers was a track coach.  He told a story of something he had witnessed.  He was at a track meet.  And the runners were at the starting line.   The gun went off, and the runners started going.  One boy he knew ran and tripped and fell hard.    When he got up, he had skinned his his hands and knees.  He looked down at the blood, then looked ahead at the other runners.  They were already around the first bend of the track.   His coach expected him to walk off the track.  But he didn't.  He started running.  And after a while, he caught up with the slowest runners and passed them.  Then he started catching up with the faster runners.  The crowd noticed what he was doing, and they were all on their feet cheering for him.  (From both teams)   The speaker said he didn't remember who won that race, but how proud he was of that boy.  Who got up after he fell down and kept running.  And the whole stadium was cheering him on.  He used this as an analogy for my husband's nephew that has just gotten baptized.  There were times he would trip and fall. But he encouraged him to keep running, and that everyone there was supportive of him.

Later that day, I was talking with my husband about this.  I really liked the analogy, but it still made me sad.  (Applying this story to us- trying to start our family.)  I told him this was difficult to keep running, because I don't know where to go.  Doing infertility is like running the race around the track.  (Especially since I've done every procedure possible quite a few times.)   Doing adoption (to me) is like cross-country running... and I don't even know where the course is.  So that was hard for me.

I guess I need to find an adoption coach.

The true meaning of waiting- #Adoption

This was a really good article!  I found it on a website called Adoptimist:
This really helped me understand the benefits of waiting...

Because I don't know how to embed their blog post onto my blog, I'm just going to copy and paste it here.  (and post the link below)  It was written by Amy Brooks:

Dear Waiting Adoptive Parents,

It takes a strong person to wait, especially in our culture where waiting for anything is frowned upon. Waiting is unpleasant and modern life demands fast service.

But you, as a hopeful adoptive parent, know the true meaning of waiting.

As you wait and hope to adopt, I want you to know that you inspire people.

• Your love and appreciation for the beauty of life and the gift of parenthood can be seen and heard by others — even when you don’t speak a word.

• You remind the world that life is truly a miracle.

• Your presence gives hope to the young woman who just found out she is expecting.

• Your neighbors, family and friends see your diligence through the adoption process. The energy you put into the adoptive path makes them appreciate their children more and reminds them how truly blessed a person is when he or she has a child.

• Your hard work and patience educates a generation that is under the impression that everything they want they will get easily and quickly.

• And most admirably, your faith in a greater plan — that is beyond science or human control — brings most people a refreshing reminder to look up to a higher power.

I know it can be trying and discouraging. I know it can take a toll emotionally and weigh heavily on personal relationships. I know it’s not fair.

But God knows your heart is extra deep and holds an infinite capacity for love. Your feelings for your future child surpass biology and natural order. Your desire to become a parent reaffirms the importance of family. 

Our world needs to see you and your values. 

Day after day the media shows us all the hate in the world on the news; and all the products we “should” want.

Meanwhile, inevitably, one person will turn to you and ask you, “How are you are doing?” It’s been a long week, or month or year — and you just say what you are really thinking: “All I want is a baby to love, care for, and parent. That is all I want.”

Our existence (I too am a waiting adoptive parent) is a reminder to others of who, and what, really matter.

I am sorry your life is being used to teach these incredible truths. I am sorry that you have been waiting for so long.

But I will tell you that while you wait, your witness to how amazing parenthood is, your prayers for the blessing of a child and your refusal to give up — matter.

They matter so much to the world. You may never know how much your example and persistence allowed those watching you to live better lives. You may never know how many people you inspired to be more grateful, to show more patience or to persevere when the going got tough. You inspire gratitude, patience and perseverance.

They matter to your future child. Someday you will hear, “you’re the best mommy (or daddy) in the world” from your 4-year-old, and you will know why you waited as long as you did.

Your wait is a gift to your future child. Without it, you wouldn’t be there when they needed you.

So while you daydream about the first visit to the pumpkin patch or simply holding your precious son or daughter in your arms, make sure you keep your chin up.

That pumpkin patch day will come . . .and most likely those pictures won’t look the way you thought they would. But in the big picture, all the despair and heartaches of waiting will be blurry, but the love between you and your child will be crystal clear.

And one day, you will be offering words of encouragement to another person . . . who no longer wants to wait.

Every life is precious . . . and totally worth the wait.

Don’t give up.

With love, hope and prayers for those waiting to adopt,
~Amy

Here's a link to this article:
https://www.adoptimist.com/adoption-blog/dear-waiting-adoptive-parents#.WBJydtIrKmX

Adoption 101

I think I am emotionally ready to begin the adoption process.  It's a long, complicated process- which I don't fully understand.  But I know enough to get started.  To be truthful, it's kind of overwhelming to me.  And when things are overwhelming, I tend to shut down and not do anything.  

But I am trying to just do one thing at a time to get the ball rolling.  We had actually started the paperwork process last summer. So I contacted the agency again to see what I need to update.

Here's what I learned from a website called OLOS about what is required: 

A home study is a written story of you and your family. A current home study is needed for every adoptive family in the United States whether they are adopting a child in their state, in another state or internationally. Once a home study  is completed it will be submitted to the court.  You will receive a notice once you are certified to adopt in your county of residence. AUTOBIOGRAPHY: Family members are asked to complete an autobiography. It is the story of your life, and may include such items as childhood experiences, family relationships, education, marriage, experiences, employment, and other important information you would like to share. BACKGROUND RECORDS CHECK: Arizona requires that adoptive families have fingerprints taken and a local criminal and child abuse background records check. A list of local fingerprint locations is provided for you. Note: Most misdemeanors that occurred in the past will not have an adverse effect on the outcome of the home study, although they will be addressed. Major felony convictions and crimes against children are reasons a home study would not be approved. FINANCIAL STATEMENTS: Financial records are reviewed and the information is provided to the court to make sure adoptive families can manage their current finances and insure that adding another family member will not put them in financial peril.  Items needed include copies of tax forms, insurance policies, bank statements, mortgage or rent payments, and credit card balances. Note: While there is not necessarily a minimum income that is required to adopt a child, the adoptive family must show they can manage their finances and are able to accept a child into their home without undue financial burden. HEALTH STATEMENT: Health examinations are required of all persons in your home. The goal of the health statements are to make sure the family is in good general health, they have normal life expectancies, and they are able to physically and mentally care for a child. If there is an existing medical condition, you are not necessarily precluded from adopting a child as long as the condition is not a threat to others and the condition is under a doctor’s care and supervision. A doctor must give a written recommendation of your ability to care for a child. HOME VISIT: A home visit and a tour of your home is made by the assigned social worker. Safety factors will be reviewed with you. There are specific rules for swimming pools, pets and weapons in the home.  Your worker will record information about your home and living situation as part of the home study. PERSONAL INTERVIEW:  One or more interviews will be required with the Social Worker conducting the home study. At least one of these interviews will take place in the home of the adoptive family. The personal interviews will explore the adoptive family’s decision to adopt and to make sure their home is adequately prepared to receive a child. RACE: When an adoptive family is adopting a child of a different race.  The Multi-Ethnic Placement Act (MEPA) prohibits race as a consideration to delay or deny an adoption. In the case of interracial adoptions there are certain dynamics that need to be explored in order to fully educate the adoptive family and each country has different specific requirements that the social worker will review with your family. The home study process reviews issues of race to help the family prepare for the social and cultural issues associated with inter-racial adoptions. REFERENCES: References are required. You may request them from employers, friends, neighbors, clergy, and family members. The references are used to assess the adoptive family’s desire and fitness to parent a child. References are not shared with an adoptive family in order to maintain their integrity unless a written release is signed by the person providing the information.. RELIGION: Affiliation with a religious denomination is not a requirement for an adoptive family with adoption, but the subject of religion is usually explored in the home study.  Some agencies, however, do have certain religious requirements of their adoptive families.  Religious inquiries in the home study are made as to the faith of the family, service attendance, and future religious involvement of the child. If you have questions please call or send us an e mail. We look forward to working with you and your family to successfully complete your home study in a timely cost effective manner.

So... yeah.  Lots of work ahead of us.  Anybody want to write my autobiography?  They didn't say I couldn't have a ghost writer.  ;)   

Last year, we already did the physicals, and got fingerprinted.  So I hope those still count.

Anyway- here we go.   

P.S.  If you hear of a potential birth mom.... tell her about us.  And maybe by the time you do, I'll have an autobiography written...  ;)

It's funny how things are put into your life at just the right time.

This picture came up in my Facebook Memories.  I had shared this in 2013.  And it just came up again.  I saw it after I had finished a conversation with my sister.

We had talked about adoption.  I had thought as soon as I knew I wasn't pregnant, I would want to move forward with adoption.  I thought I would be gung-ho.  I'm not.  I haven't wanted to touch it.

I think a lot of that has to do with the miscarriage.  I know I'm still grieving.  And I need to accept that the infertility treatments didn't work.  And will never work.  We're done.  But I haven't accepted that in my head I guess.  

I had told my sister that one of the hardest parts of adoption for me is putting yourself out there.  And telling everyone I'm broken.  And hey, tell your friends.  (Because networking is the best way to get chosen for adoption.)  But it's very hard to tell people you're broken.

Then I saw this quote.  And it made me think. 

"Though we may feel we are like a broken vessel, we must remember that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter."  -Jeffrey R. Holland

Sometimes when you think you are broken, you just have to remember that God is in control.  Jeffrey R. Holland is amazing.  I heard him speak in person once last year when he visited my stake.  He talked about how God loves broken things.  Because he knows how to fix them.

Now for me, I guess this doesn't mean fixing my body.  I think whether through the miracle of modern fertility treatments or the miracle of adoption, I will have my family.  And it will all be worth it.

We tried everything we could do with fertility treatments.  IUI's (artificial insemination), IVF (implanting fertilized embryos inside me), and donor embryos (using someone else's adopted embryos inside me.)  We've tried it all.  And the last time, I got pregnant.  But then I miscarried.  And for financial reasons, emotional reasons, and physical reasons, that was our last attempt.  The fact that I got pregnant, but didn't stay pregnant means this isn't my path.  But it was worth trying.

This struggle has brought my husband and I closer together in a way that I don't think could have been accomplished any other way.  It's been very hard.  But we are closer now than we've ever been.  Not that I recommend infertility for others, it was just our particular trial.  But we can use our suffering to grow... closer to each other, and closer to the Lord.  Life just provides us with trials. And how we deal with them determines what the result will be.

For the record, I'm not saying I'm strong.  I struggle with this.  I still have my moments when I feel down about my situation.  If I was able to stay pregnant, that would have made things so much simpler.  But I guess that's not the path I'm meant to go down.

So I guess this blog will have to evolve.  It will no longer be now about making a baby the hard way.  It will now be about adoption.  (and I have to come up with a catch name to go along with that, since the title no longer applies.)