It's funny how things are put into your life at just the right time.

This picture came up in my Facebook Memories.  I had shared this in 2013.  And it just came up again.  I saw it after I had finished a conversation with my sister.

We had talked about adoption.  I had thought as soon as I knew I wasn't pregnant, I would want to move forward with adoption.  I thought I would be gung-ho.  I'm not.  I haven't wanted to touch it.

I think a lot of that has to do with the miscarriage.  I know I'm still grieving.  And I need to accept that the infertility treatments didn't work.  And will never work.  We're done.  But I haven't accepted that in my head I guess.  

I had told my sister that one of the hardest parts of adoption for me is putting yourself out there.  And telling everyone I'm broken.  And hey, tell your friends.  (Because networking is the best way to get chosen for adoption.)  But it's very hard to tell people you're broken.

Then I saw this quote.  And it made me think. 

"Though we may feel we are like a broken vessel, we must remember that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter."  -Jeffrey R. Holland

Sometimes when you think you are broken, you just have to remember that God is in control.  Jeffrey R. Holland is amazing.  I heard him speak in person once last year when he visited my stake.  He talked about how God loves broken things.  Because he knows how to fix them.

Now for me, I guess this doesn't mean fixing my body.  I think whether through the miracle of modern fertility treatments or the miracle of adoption, I will have my family.  And it will all be worth it.

We tried everything we could do with fertility treatments.  IUI's (artificial insemination), IVF (implanting fertilized embryos inside me), and donor embryos (using someone else's adopted embryos inside me.)  We've tried it all.  And the last time, I got pregnant.  But then I miscarried.  And for financial reasons, emotional reasons, and physical reasons, that was our last attempt.  The fact that I got pregnant, but didn't stay pregnant means this isn't my path.  But it was worth trying.

This struggle has brought my husband and I closer together in a way that I don't think could have been accomplished any other way.  It's been very hard.  But we are closer now than we've ever been.  Not that I recommend infertility for others, it was just our particular trial.  But we can use our suffering to grow... closer to each other, and closer to the Lord.  Life just provides us with trials. And how we deal with them determines what the result will be.

For the record, I'm not saying I'm strong.  I struggle with this.  I still have my moments when I feel down about my situation.  If I was able to stay pregnant, that would have made things so much simpler.  But I guess that's not the path I'm meant to go down.

So I guess this blog will have to evolve.  It will no longer be now about making a baby the hard way.  It will now be about adoption.  (and I have to come up with a catch name to go along with that, since the title no longer applies.)