Endometrial Disruption- sounds like fun! Sign me up! ;)

Come on now, let's be honest.  Who DOESN'T want their insides scratched up?  ;)

Today I had my endometrial disruption.   Yay for me.  One more "procedure" crossed off the list.
If you're curious, here's an article about the benefits of an endometrial disruption:  http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art20828.asp

 I took the entire day off from work, so I could sleep in, not think about it, go straight to the doctor's office, then have time to recuperate afterwards.

They told me to take 4 Advil prior to my appointment.  And it was at my doctor's office, not the out-patient surgery center.  So that made it easier on my mind.  I also took 1/2 of a Valium to help cope with it.   And based on other infertility blogs about the "endo scratch", I'm glad I did.

And I survived.  I didn't feel good at all.  But it was short.  Dr. Craig got in, got out, and it was done.  Under 30 seconds. But then it hurt afterwards for a bit.  Then they had me lie on the table a while until I felt better enough to get up.  (They said it would subside in about 10 minutes.)  So it hurt for a bit.  Not a lot, just enough that I didn't feel good.  Later it felt like period cramps.  So I hung out on the couch for a while after we got home.

So now I'm done with that.  And it's supposed to really improve my chances of pregnancy.  So...  here's to hoping.  :)

December has been a relatively easy month for me.  (Other than feeling nauseous all the time.)  I've only had 2 doctor visits for "procedures" and ZERO shots.  (Reveling in that while I can, because January is going to suck!)

My drug spreadsheet gets out of control.  Right now, it looks like this:

Starting in January, it looks like this:

18 different times during each day, I will be swallowing, injecting, or inserting something into my body.  And they can't make it easy and let me group them all together...  you have to space out the hormone treatments.

Take this pill with food, take this one on an empty stomach, take this 30 min prior to eating, space out hormone treatments every 4 hours.  Lie down 10 min after doing this one... Do this one before going to bed.  Did I mention I have a job?  And a life?

Ay Carumba!  I don't know how I'm going to remember to do all this.  Pretty much my January schedule and life will revolve around my drug schedule. 

In addition we not only are doing the 3 sub-cutaneous shots (in the belly, etc.) , now I get to start IM injections (intra-muscular shots in the butt) which my friends tell me are the worst.  So... yeah.  (Sarcasm)  

So- December... it was fun while it lasted.  ;)   Happy New Year.   This is all for a good cause.

And right now I can say I'm thankful for modern medicine that even allows people like me the opportunity to TRY and get pregnant.  (the hard way)  I have several friends who have had successful pregnancies as a result of IVF and FET.  (and IUI's- even though those didn't work for me.)

I have to say I'm thankful for it now, because chances are I might not be feeling this way once the shots start up again!!  :P

Christmas Time

Christmas time is fun because every other year my family gets together.  And I really enjoy being together.  Last week, I was super nauseous.  But this week, I'm starting to get back to normal.  They upped my dosage of Metformin.  And they said that's probably what's causing it.   So we adjusted it back down to what it was before.

The timing of my IVF cycle worked out this year has worked out pretty good for December.  I don't have to do any shots this month.  That alone is reason to celebrate.  Those are worst.  So I'm very grateful to have a month off.  I know they are coming in January, and I know from other people's experiences that they are not fun.  I've had several friends go through it, and I also follow another fertility blog Fertile Findings to find out what the next step in my process is going to be like.  (Annie is one step ahead of me in the IVF cycle.)   Here's what she said about the shots I have to do in January:  https://fertilefindings.wordpress.com/2015/12/10/post-embryo-transfer/

If I even think about them, I start to get overwhelmed.  But I try not to think about it.

I was reading a church magazine article called "Be At Peace", and I came across this paragraph   It was talking about the life of Jesus Christ and everything that would happen to Him.  Then this stood out to me:

"With all of that to come, though, I think it’s appropriate this time of year to just think about that baby in the manger. Don’t be too overwhelmed or occupied with what is to come; just think about that little baby. Take a quiet, peaceful moment to ponder the beginning of His life—the culmination of heavenly prophecy but the earthly beginning for Him."

The Holy Night, by Carl Heinrich Bloch

I feel like that sentence was for me.  "Don't be too overwhelmed or occupied with what is to come".  So right now I'm just focusing on Christmas, the birth of my Savior, and my family.  And we'll deal with the rest in January.  Right now, I'm just living in the moment.

Sonohysterogram and HSG dye test.... again.

On a scale of 1-10, Guess how much I don't like booties, hair nets, and ugly gowns? 20.   Bleh.

So- I realized I was pretty emotionally raw when I wrote my last blog post.

I don't deal well with bad surprises.  I freeze up, get overwhelmed, freak out, then eventually work through it, and get over it.  (Sometimes)   And I usually write these blog posts after things have happened, so I have some perspective.  That last one I just wrote in the middle of it.  But I'm not that emotional all the time.  Just sometimes.

On Monday, I had 2 more procedures done.  The Sonohysterogram (where they inject saline soluntion into your uterus.  They can measure it and look for polyps and fibroids.)   And the HSG (Hysterosalpingogram)- where they inject dye into the uterus and Fallopian tubes and x-ray it to check for blockages and see how everything looks.  You're supposed to take 4 Advil an hour before the procedure.  It's uncomfortable, but it's not painful.

They did these 2 procedures in the out-patient surgery center, which didn't help my anxiety.  When I had these done last year at my other infertility doctor's office, they just did them in a special room in the office.  (They do these once a year.)  :P!!!!

The good news is... nothing has grown back since my surgery last year.  Everything still looks good for the transfer.

I get one more procedure the Monday after Christmas.  (an Endometrial Disruption).  This helps to increase the IVF pregnancy success rate.  

So... that's where we're at so far!

Rough weekend.

Friday started off a good day.  I had the day off from work, and I went with my friend Deena to the temple.

 When I came out I had 3 missed calls.  Man, I was popular.

One was from my Fertility Treatment Center asking me to call them back.  I kinda got the feeling that this wouldn't be good news.   I usually talk with the same IVF coordinator Dayna.  She knows me, and I know her.  There's a comfort level there.  But she was on vacation, so I spoke with a different lady.  And I don't know if that affected how I took the news or not.  But it might have played  a factor.

Our genetic testing results came back.

Out of our 2 embryos, one was normal.  One was abnormal.

Our abnormal embryo had a deletion of the long arm on chromosome 12.   What the heck does that mean?  The lady couldn't tell me, but told me to call the lab to speak with a genetic counselor.   But it didn't sound good.  I googled it.  That didn't really help.  It's a rare chromosome disorder- and they can't really tell you what specifically it causes.  But it's a lot of problems.  And that's even if it results in a live birth.  This embryo was missing over 2,000 genes.

And by the way, she mentions, we still need to schedule 3 more procedures before the transfer.

What????

As far as I knew, my next "procedure" was getting the embryo transfer at the end of January.  I thought I was doing my meds in December, and staring the shots/ ultrasounds/ blood draws in January, and then doing the transfer.

Nope.

Apparently, they need to do a sonohysterogram (where they inject saline into my uterus), an HSG test (where they inject dye into my uterus and fallopian tubes).   Both of which I had last year- but apparently they need to be repeated once a year.  And I didn't do well with these last year.  I remember I had to take valium to get through the HSG test.

AND, by the way, an endometrial disruption.  (That just doesn't sound good.)  I asked if it hurt.  And she said there was some discomfort.  (Which means yes.)

Welcome to me being overwhelmed again.

We only have 1 good embryo left, oh and by the way, you need 3 more procedures before you even get to January.

That night was our ward Christmas party, which I was supposed to bring cookies to.  I had been looking forward to it, because all the kids were going to act out the Nativity story.  So of course, it was going to be adorable.  Plus, my nephew was in it.

After I got this news, I was kind of numb.  I did have other plans for the day, but I went home instead.  I made the cookies, took them to the church, and left.  I just couldn't be around people.

When my hubby got home from work, I told him about this phone call.  And started crying.  I get tired of crying so much.  Sometimes you cry so much, you just feel empty inside.

I didn't want to do this anymore.  We only had 1 egg.  I had to get 3 more procedures.  And we all know, I don't do well with "procedures" that cause "discomfort".  I can barely get through getting my blood drawn without hyperventilating.   I didn't want to do this.

I spent the weekend juggling feelings of numbness, anger, and sadness.

I went to a friend's house on Sat night, and that was during my angry stage.  She made the comment that I can't be angry.  To which I replied, Oh you bet I can.  It's one of the stages of grief I have to work through.  In addition, a marriage counselor once told me that anger is a secondary emotion.  It's usually masking pain or fear.   Or both in my case.  So yes, I was angry.  I had to deal with being down to one embryo.  I had fears that what if I went through all this, and that one embryo didn't even survive being defrosted?  What if this was all for nothing??

I needed to work through my emotions.  I needed to feel angry.  And sad.   And not bury those feelings inside.  I needed to experience them in order to work through them.  But I also needed strength and a desire to keep going.  Which I did not have.

 There's a scene in a pioneer movie that shows a woman who had just lost a baby stopping on the trail and not wanting to go any further.  That was me.  I felt that.

Saturday night, it was my turn to pray.  I didn't want to.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I didn't want to feel the pain.  I was just going to say a neutral prayer.  And not talk about any of this.   But I broke down and asked for help.  I asked for strength, and courage.  I cried and prayed for the desire to persevere.  Because I didn't have it.

Sunday morning, I was still feeling down, like I couldn't do this.  I was really having a hard time.  It was fast Sunday, so I texted my family members since I knew they would be fasting/ praying anyway.  I asked for their prayers.  Mainly that I would have the strength to get through these next 2 months.  And that after the transfer, that I would have enough faith to accept God's will if this all doesn't work.

That's the hardest part.  First, figuring out God's will for me.  And second, accepting it.  Letting go of my plans.  And understanding that this is out of my control.  And turning my fears/hopes/worries/dreams to the Lord, and trying to understand that whatever happens will be for the best in the long run.

Popsicle babies- Hans and Anna

Once I had some time to kind of come to terms with being down to 2 embryos...  I started joking around again.  (Sometimes I'm okay with it, sometimes I'm not.)  But I'm getting to the point where I can talk about it.  Previously, I had been referring to my frozen embryos as my popsicle babies.  

But now that we were down to 2, I jokingly named them Hans and Anna.   

Hans- for Han Solo (from the movie Return of the Jedi)

And Anna-  (from the movie Frozen)

These are the only 2 that I could think of that were frozen, but everything still turned out okay in the end.

At my first appointment, the doctor measured my uterus and told me I had enough room to carry twins.  I've always wanted twins.  So the idea of having Hans and Anna chilling out in the freezer made me happy.  It was a possibility.  

My 2 embryos that continued growing were up to 50 cells, and that's when they freeze them.  We are doing a frozen embryo transfer.  (FET)   That's what my doctor recommended for me.  (and I know several friends who were able to get pregnant using a FET.)

Other people do a fresh embryo transfer.  (Which means that they do the surgery, then about 4 days later, transfer the fertilized embryos back in.)  From what I've been told, that's a little rough.

Because I was doing a frozen embryo transfer, I was able to take Advil and other meds after my retrieval surgery.  So the recovery wasn't bad at all.

If you decide to do any genetic testing, you have to do a Frozen Embryo Transfer, because they need time to test them.  We opted to do the genetic testing, due to many factors.   I'm only doing this once.  I don't want to do another IVF cycle.  They're expensive.  It takes a huge emotional toll.  They're a pain in the butt  (literally and figuratively).  So I want to find out which embryo has the best chance of going full-term if I get pregnant.  

The odds are never in my favor.

It was about a week later, and I hadn't heard from my doctor's office about how our 6 embryos were doing.  So I called them today. 

Through the process of natural selection, some of the embryos will just quit growing.  So I was curious how many we had.

 They called me back that night, and I put it on speaker phone so my husband could hear the conversation.

The lady told me that I had 2 embryos that survived.  (out of my 6)   My heart kind of stopped for a minute.

She was upbeat about it.  She said they were rated "good" and "good to fair".

(The rating system goes Very Good/ Good/ Good to Fair/ Fair to Poor/ Poor.)  So the 2 embryos I had scored pretty high.  So she felt like that looked promising when it came time to transfer.

When we were talking on the phone, it was mostly good.  We talked about the next phase.  I'm supposed to call on Cycle Day 1 (which should be this week), and then I'll be back on birth control for a while.  And then we'll talk about doing the transfer in January.

After we hung up, my husband and I hugged.  He said that was kind of mixed news.  (We only got 2 embryos, but they got pretty good ratings.)  

I started getting teared up a little bit.  I said I was excited about our 2 embryos, but it still hurts that we only had 2 out of the 6 survive.  The rest quit growing.  I know it was part of the natural selection that they warned us about.  But we were still crushed.  We were really hoping/ praying for 3 or 4 to make it.

Only having 2 embryos to work with means we only get one chance at this.  They will implant them both and see if one or both take.  I was really hoping for some back-up ones.  Because knowing my luck, they wouldn't take.  And all of this would have been for nothing.   Well, not for nothing.  It's brought my husband and I closer.  And I've learned to face my fear of needles.  (I won't say overcome, but I face it grudgingly.)  And we will finally get closure about whether or not my body can conceive children.

But it's heart-breaking.  And I started crying.  A little bit.  Then a lot.  Then I told my husband I needed to go lie down because I was getting light-headed.  I went to lie down on the bed. I started coughing.  And crying.  And coughing, and crying.  And sobbing.   Hubby came in and held me while I cried.  I felt like I was broken.  I felt like no matter what I do, I can't conceive a child.  I told him I was sorry I can't give him a baby.  I felt like I was denying him opportunities to be a dad.  He told me he didn't see it that way.  He said we were just doing the best we could with what we had been given.  I told him I hadn't been given very much to work with.  He didn't say anything.

I cried for while, and he continued to hold me.  I started thinking about how it was a numbers game, and I was not in general a lucky person.  I feel like I am a very blessed person.  And I was very lucky to have met Devon, and have him in my life.  But in general, I'm not lucky.  I'm not one of those people.  If we are drawing names out of a hat, it's not going to be mine.  But that's ok.  In fact, if something can go wrong, it usually does.  And in other parts of my life, I just deal with it and joke about it.   But this hurts too much to joke about.

But then a thought came into my mind.  This wasn't a numbers game.  It wasn't playing the odds.  And no amount of bad luck is going to influence the outcome one way or another.  I have no control over the outcome.  This is all in Heavenly Father's hands.  This was by divine design that I only had 2 embryos survive.  And that was His choice, on purpose.  I had nothing to do with it.  So I needed to stop blaming myself and my body for things that were out of my control.  Whatever was going to happen was going to happen.  And it was by divine design.  So that's just the way it is.

Eventually, I started breathing regularly again.  And we went and got some dinner.  And turned on the TV to distract me, and tried to forget about it for a while.

IVF Surgery Results

After the surgery, the doctor told us that he was able to retrieve 6 eggs.  After he left, I started crying.  Only 6??  ALL that pain, work, effort for just 6 eggs?  I had had 10 follicles going into surgery.

Previously, they had told us the attrition rate is high.  Not every follicle has an egg.  Not every egg will be a mature egg.  And not every egg will fertilize.  So even if you start with a high number of eggs, you still end up with a lower number of embryos.  And we were already starting with a low number.

Our hope was that after going through this IVF cycle of retrieving and freezing my eggs, that we would have enough to try it a couple of times.  They will implant the equivalent of 2 good embryos.  (They rate the eggs according to quality.)  So it might be 2 good quality embryos or 1 good, 2 poor quality embryos that get implanted.  And we had hoped that worst case scenario, if they implanted the first batch, and I didn't get pregnant, that we could try again the next month.   Or best case scenario, even if I DID get pregnant the first round, then we could freeze the remaining eggs and try again for another baby in 2 years.

So, we were really disappointed to hear that our starting number was 6.  (and who knows how many eggs would actually become embryos.)

That was Saturday.  That night was my husband's turn to pray.  He prayed that if possible 5 of the 6 would fertilize and become embryos.  

On Sunday before church, I got a phone call from the embryologist, and miraculously all 6 embryos had fertilized.  So that was our first miracle.   The doctor said that was very rare, and hardly ever happened.   

It got me thinking about prayer.  I know praying is not supposed to be a shopping list... not a wish list.   What I believe is that:

Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings.

So I was trying to figure out what that means for us.  Because I also know that when we pray sometimes the answer is yes.  But sometimes the answer is no.  Or not yet.  So for whatever reason... maybe just to buoy us up during this hard time... Heavenly Father answered our prayers and all 6 embryos fertilized.