Friday's ultrasound helped solidify the pregnancy in my mind. As of 8/26/16, they said I was 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant. (Which is interesting considering that embryo has only been inside me since 7/29/16!!) But you have to take into account the time the embryo was in the petri dish! (Since this was a frozen embryo transfer.) So, the time is based on the embryo's development, not how long it's physically been inside me. Does that mean I get to cut 2 weeks off my pregnancy? Who knows! ;) That would be nice. :)
It was really weird hearing the heartbeat. It was beating at 104 beats per minute. They gave us a jump drive with a recording of the heartbeat, but their machine doesn't record sound. So it's only a silent movie of the heart beating. I told hubby next time I'll have him record it with the video camera on my phone, so we could have the sound as well!
They gave me all sorts of new stuff. An envelope that is titled "Turning Patients into Parents" with cheesy blue/pink graphics on it. (But I still liked it.)
Inside were all the pictures of my ultrasound they had taken. Some for my fridge, with copies for the grandparents.
It's official! This is our baby! See- they labeled the ultrasound in case I forgot what was inside me. ;)
Because some people knew we were doing another frozen embryo transfer, there really is no way to surprise people with a pregnancy announcement. So after we heard that heartbeat at the ultrasound, I decided to tell my family. I called each of them that evening and told them the good news. Hubby was busy, so we waited until the weekend to phone all his siblings and his parents. Everybody was so excited for us. Prayers had been answered. All the hardship we went through was finally worth it. We deserved this. We would be wonderful parents, etc, etc. Everyone was literally so thrilled that this is finally happening. For now, we only told family. To be on the safe side, I wanted to wait until I was out of the first trimester before I told the world. But that didn't stop me from thinking about how I would do it. (and my due date is April 2016) These were my favorites: Posting a picture of me standing next to hubby, who is wearing this t-shirt:
I also want one with my dog Jasmine in it... since she is a big part of my life. (She was in my wedding pics, so she should be in my pregnancy pics too!) :D
I definitely want to do this one:
This one would be easy:
Jaz could easily do this one:
Same with this one: I've actually already taken a similar picture with a different book, so I have the glasses already.
This is my dog (below). See! Jaz could TOTALLY do this shot! ;)
This one's funny because the book titles are photoshopped.
(I know because I tried searching for that one!)
This one is cute.
This one would be easy, but the shoe thing is kinda overdone..
Same here... probably won't do this one.
I like this one though!
haha!
Here's a few more non-dog related ideas:
I think this one is funny. :)
So many to choose from. I'll probably do them all... ;)
So... it's official. The baby decided to stick around!! This is has been an interesting week for me. Last Tuesday, Aug 16th, I started bleeding. Not a ton, but enough that it was more than a few spots. And I was concerned. Hubby called a family friend Bryan- and he came over at 10:30 pm to give me a priesthood blessing. In the blessing, hubby stated this was a trial of my faith. After the blessing, I felt a sweet peace and reassurance inside. The next day, I called my doctor. They decided to alternate the Lovenox shot (blood thinner) to every other day. (Maybe I was just getting too many blood thinners.) I still would have spotting frequently, but they said as long as it's not a lot, it's okay. My ultrasound appointment was scheduled for Aug. 31st. I pretty much had some bleeding every other day. But it wasn't consistent. But I had some cramping off and on. Well then Wed, Aug. 24th, I was spotting in the morning. That afternoon, I had a lot of cramping. When I got home, I discovered I had bleed out through my shorts. (a lot.) I called the doctor's office to see what I should do. They wanted me to come in Thursday or Friday to check it out. We were blessed that my husband was able to arrange to take an hour off from work to go with me to this appointment, because usually Fridays are his busiest days. The ultrasound tech was able to locate the baby. It stuck around. There was still one there. So maybe all that bleeding was the other embryo passing? Or a blood clot? Who knows. But one of those little embryos stuck around and attached high up in my uterus. And we were able to hear the heartbeat. It was a fast paced sound. (104 beats per minute.) They said anything over 100 is good. So... it's still there. It felt weird hearing the heartbeat. It's like I was wondering- is that sound coming out of me?? I guess I still haven't accepted the reality yet that I'm pregnant. I still feel guarded. Like part of me feels like this isn't real or isn't going to stick around. But later I came to the realization that I can be excited for this now. And if things change down the road, well then I'll mourn for that loss then. For now, I am pregnant, and there is a heartbeat, so that needs to be celebrated. That evening, I called my family to tell them I was pregnant. I'm not telling everyone yet. Just family and friends I consider family. It's still so new, and there is of course a chance of miscarriage in the first trimester. So I'm going to wait to tell the world until later. But I told those I'm closest to. And the more people I called, the more the reality set in that this was real. So... that's my news. I'm pregnant. :)
So.. Am I pregnant? Possibly? I think so? On Tues. Aug 9th, I went in for my blood draw as usual. I felt at peace about it. Whatever happened, I would have closure. This was our last time doing infertility. So whatever happened, happened.
That night, I listened to the voicemail with my hubby. It was weird. They said I was pregnant, and to continue my medications. And they needed to see me back for another blood draw in 2 days. This was new. So... I am pregnant? It worked? All those butt shots and bruises were worth it?? Both hubby and I had a hard time believing the news. We just kind of sat there.... he said he really didn't know what to do now. I said he should probably give me a hug and a kiss. :) We were both kind of in shock. I didn't tell anyone, because I wasn't sure it wasn't a mistake. I had my 2nd blood test that Thursday. They said my #'s are still rising and looking good. They told me my Beta was 314, and my Progesterone was 80. (and anything over 20 was good). I don't really know what that means... other than they are still saying I am pregnant. So maybe I had better start to believe it. I called my parents to tell them we were expecting! They were out of state, so I sent them this text:
My mom and dad were beyond thrilled. This a picture of the embryos they put inside me. It could be a single baby, or I could be pregnant with twins! Hubby started sending me funny texts calling me his "Baby Mama." And I called him my "Baby Daddy". We were testing out those nicknames. Seeing if it made this feel more real. My numbers keep going up. You have 3 blood tests during the first 2 weeks. Then you wait over a week and come back for your first ultrasound. At that point, they can hear the heartbeat and confirm with certainty that things look good. On the evening of Tues. Aug. 16th, I started spotting. Bright red blood. I was a little concerned. I had been have some mild cramping, and was really tired the past few days.
I was worried about it. So I asked for a priesthood blessing. Devon and Bishop Anderson gave me one. Devon said the blessing. He told me this was a trial of my faith. And he also blessed me with comfort, and told me I had a big heart. When I had my blood draw the next day, I told them about the spotting. They said to keep an eye on it, and let them know if it gets worse. But my #'s still looked good. So I was still pregnant. The medical assistant Alexix who drew my blood hugged me when she called me back. (She hadn't seen me since I found out.) Thurs. Aug 18th, I started bleeding again. More than the last time I was spotting. I called the Fertility Treatment Center... they decided to alternate my blood thinners. For now I only have to do the Lovenox every other night, and the baby aspirin every other day. They said not to be too concerned about the embryos. The spotting is only a concern if I have severe cramping and enough blood for a period. (Which I hadn't.) They said the mild cramping is because my uterus is basically like a hotel under reconstruction... She recommended I lie around a lot... be as 'slug-like' as possible. So I did. My next appointment was the ultrasound... until then I was on very restricted activities. No exercising, no swimming, no bathing, no sex. Nothing until we heard the baby's heartbeat.
Today I had my blood test to find out if I'm pregnant.
Last time I went through this, I was filled with a feeling of dread. It's different this time. I've made my peace with it. If I am pregnant, then we'll figure out how to navigate that road. There will be 2 more blood tests just to make sure my numbers keep going up. Then in 2 1/2 weeks, they'll do an ultrasound. (I get those all the time, but this time there would be a baby (or two) in there.) And if I'm not pregnant, well then it will be okay. I'll be disappointed, but also relieved to finally have closure. I will have literally done everything I could have possibly done to get pregnant. And if doesn't happen by this point, then obviously the Lord has different plans for me. (and quite honestly, it will be a relief to stop doing all the butt and tummy shots every night. Those don't feel good.) So... now we wait... My friend Rainie sent me an interesting conference talk called "Trust in the Lord" And here's the part that stood out to me. It's pretty obvious the Lord wanted me to grow and learn from this whole infertility experience.... "Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (seeProv. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.
When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.
This life is an experience in profound trust—trust in Jesus Christ, trust in His teachings, trust in our capacity as led by the Holy Spirit to obey those teachings for happiness now and for a purposeful, supremely happy eternal existence. To trust means to obey willingly without knowing the end from the beginning (see Prov. 3:5–7). "
I saw this quote and knew I wanted to write a blogpost about it. I've been contemplating for a while what to say.
Since publicly sharing about my journey with infertility, I have had so many friends write to me privately sharing their experiences. I had NO idea it was so common, because people don't usually talk about it. It really really helped me to talk to people who had been down this road before. Just to feel like I'm not alone, and also to learn from them.
I had a friend write me on Facebook and shared a very personal, private experience about her recent miscarriage. With her permission, I am sharing our conversation.
Hey CJ! I just wanted to send you a message to say how brave you are to share your journey, and that you are not alone. Sometimes, I think it helps to know others are there too. While our journeys are different - there are some similarities. I have had 2 miscarriages in the past 10 months (the last this past week) - and the devastation is overwhelming, especially when we are the age we are. It is a unique misery, coupled with profound hope and faith which keeps us moving forward despite the pain and sadness. Hard to explain, but I think you understand. Your willingness to share you experiences is so very brave, and makes a difference. Although I am not sharing publicly, I wanted to at least reach out to you, share my story, and let you know you are not alone and that I am here, rooting you on all the time. However our journeys end, we need to find purpose in the journey. And maybe part of that purpose it to reach out to others. We are stronger together than apart. Sending you hope, love, and strength! Take care of yourself and hang in there.
Reading her words really affected me.
I don't feel brave. In fact, I had been hesitant to write on my blog lately. Some days I am totally okay with openly sharing everything. And other days, I'm not ready to deal with the questions that come with it. (Because it is obviously a matter that is so close to the heart.) But I think my friend was inspired to share this with me. It motivated me to write again. So that by sharing, maybe it might help someone else who is enduring this privately. And then also, it really helps me when people reach out to me and share their story. It provides me with strength, support, encouragement, and friendship. That helps.
There are so many facets to infertility. Obviously, it isn't just not being able to get pregnant, it's also not being able to go full-term. It's heart-breaking to hear her story, especially because I do know what that yearning feels like. And although I have not yet experienced miscarriage, I think she's right. We are on the same journey. I asked her if I could share her story. This is what she replied:
I wouldn't mind you sharing anonymously. In fact maybe it will help bring some purpose to all this.
I like that even though my friend and I are different religions, we both share a faith in God. That things happen for a purpose, even if we can't immediately understand why. We both understand that things will work out in the Lord's time. Even if there are disappointments and heartaches right now, there is a purpose to the journey. (even if we can't understand it yet.)
I found this quote and it really stuck with me- "Who better to help someone who is experiencing a difficult trial than someone who has experienced it himself/ herself? The trials we endure enable us to help others endure their trials." And I know that's true. And that's one of the reasons we go through trials, so we can have a more gentle, understand, and empathetic heart. And that enables us to help those around us. My friend Candice has been the one to help me the most through my Frozen Embryo Transfers. Because she's done them recently. Successfully and unsuccessfully. She knows each step. She understands. I think as we share our life's experiences, we can connect with others. Helping them and letting them help us. That's one thing I've learned from all this.
The other is the importance of relying on the Savior to get us through our hardest times. This video "Hope Ya Know, I'm Having a Hard Time" came up in my Facebook feed. And I knew I had to share it. Sometimes we just have hard times. Even with great friends and family who are supportive.
1. Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
I draw myself apart,
Searching my soul?
2. Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
3. He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.
I think we're all coming to realize that the ultimate source of peace during our trials and hard times can be found through turning to Jesus Christ. And that's part of why we go through trials, so we can come closer to our Savior. (If we choose to.) I appreciate my friend writing to me and encouraging me. Because of her, I'm slowly opening up again about this journey.
OK, well maybe I won't have bruises for life, but it feels like that sometimes.
These shots hurt. And I know that. It's the same Lovenox shot each night, but yet some hurt a little bit, and some hurt a lot. (You think it would be the same each night, but it's kind of like playing Russian Roulette on how much they hurt.) I just try to deal with it day by day, and not think about how long I have to keep getting these. (Otherwise, I get overwhelmed and freak out.)
I try to just take it one day at a time. We like to joke about what shapes my bruises are going to be this round. Hubby decided it looked like a Pokemon ball. So, considering how popular Pokemon Go is right now... that's what we're shooting for. (Besides, I am trying to "catch" a little creature in my tummy, aren't I?)
Note to self: NEVER do the Lovenox shot at the midline!! I suggested we do the shot directly below the belly button, because that was one of the few areas that wasn't bruised. (yet!) BIG Mistake. That one hurt more than any other Lovenox did! AND- I sprouted a leak! I would NOT stop bleeding! I had a minion band-aid on it... and the next day at work, my co-worker pointed out that I had blood on my shirt. It had bled through the minion band-aid! (and the next one I put on.) It wasn't bleeding a lot, but it also wasn't stopping!
Sadly, the blood stains ruined my favorite purple shirt! (If anyone knows a good way to get dried blood stains out of clothing, please let me know!) I sprayed it with a stain remover and have been soaking it in water. But I am definitely open to suggestions!
Oh, the fun of infertility shots. I'm doing my best to have a good attitude about them. Each night, I listen to calming music when I get my shots to distract my brain.
Lately, my song of choice is LAVA.
I like the lyrics. "I have a dream. I hope will come true. That you're here with me. And I'm here with you."
I try to focus on why I am doing all these shots. And that sometimes helps. (And sometimes it doesn't.) But at least, I TRY to focus on the big picture. (and I admit, some days I do better than others.) But you just keep going.
At the end of July, I was asked to give a talk in church about "Being True to the Faith of our Forefathers." And it made me think about the pioneers. I'm sure about 1,000 miles into their journey, someone must have had the thought "I don't want to do this anymore." (Which I've felt.)
But... at that point... what do you do?? You can't give up. You've already come so far. You just have to keep your eye on the goal, and put one foot in front of the other. Trusting in God that it will all be worth it in the end. So... that's where we're at in my journey. Just keep moving forward.
