Another friend is pregnant.

Infertility.  I'd like to say that it doesn't bother me anymore.  It's definitely gotten better.  But it still hurts from time to time.

Tonight, I met up with a group of friends.  A long time friend of mine announced that she's pregnant.  She's expecting a little girl.  It came as a shock.  She said it was unexpected, and called it an "Oops baby".  And I think because she's close to me, it hurts more.   I came home, and my husband could tell something was off.  So I told him about it.  He asked how I was feeling.  I replied "angry sad".  And my eyes welled up with tears.  And I felt very tired of this struggle.  Mentally tired and physically tired.  Like I could go to sleep right then.  (And it was only 8:00 pm)

My dog Jasmine is really sweet.  She senses when I am sad, and always comes close to me.  Reaching out to stroke her fur forces me to stop starting absent off into the distance.  She helps me to focus on the present.  She is there to comfort me.  

My husband sat beside me and tries to be comforting, but doesn't really know the words to say.  But it's nice that he's there and he tries.

Why is it so easy when you are young?  I feel like my friend and I are the same age.  (Although she is in her mid-20's, and I just turned 40).  It's times like these that it becomes painfully obvious how different we are.  But then again, who's to say I wouldn't have had infertility problems when I was in my 20's.  I had endometriosis back then too.  But now I have that and "advanced maternal age".  My whole life, age never used to bother me.  It was always just a number that didn't mean much to me.  Up until now when I feel like I am being punished for being the age I am, and not marrying younger.  
But then I have to remember that it didn't feel right to get married before now.  I had never dated the right guy.  So this is the age I was supposed to get married, because this was the age I was when we met.  I just have to keep focusing on the big picture.  I am where I am for a reason.  And everyone's life is their unique story.  This is mine.

All of my fears, and what I have learned.

I found a fantastic talk that I want to document so I remember it later. (I just tried to print it, but my printer ran out of ink on the 3rd page!)  But documenting it here is better because then it's with all my other infertility stuff, and I'll always be able to find it.

The title is: 
Knowing When to Persevere and When to Change Direction 
by Janet G. Lee
Here's the link:  https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/janet-g-lee_knowing-persevere-change-direction/

I think everyone should read this.  It literally applies to everyone.  Not just me... trying to navigate the infertility/ adoption path.

It talks about what to do when thinks don't happen the way you want them to.  Janet shares a cute story about her kindergardener who was asked to pick her favorite color of crayon and write her name.  She froze, and didn't do anything... even though her mom knew she could write her name.  Later, she told her mom they didn't have her favorite color crayon, so she couldn't do what the teacher asked.

So- because we aren't given the choice we desire, we are frozen.  And sometimes don't do anything to progress or move forward. 

Here's what Janet said:  As hard as it sometimes is to understand, stumbling blocks are essential to our progression.

Remember what the Lord said: “If thou art called to pass through [some] tribulation . . . know . . . that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good” (D&C 122:5–7).

 (Totally relates to me.)  Once I work through that enough to decide to pick a different colored crayon, then I get paralyzed by "what if I make the wrong choice?"  I get frozen by indecision.

This video has my answers:  

So that is comforting to know that Heavenly Father won't let me go down the wrong road for long.  And also that I will know for sure that was the wrong road.  (So I'll know the right road when I find it.)  

Another stumbling block to my adoption progress is fear:

So many fears.

Fear of rejection:  What if the birth mom doesn't pick me.  Having gotten married later in life, and having other relationships not work out, this can be a hard thing for me.  Dealing with rejection.  Or even worse- not even given a chance to get rejected, because of someone not even getting to know me well enough to reject me.

I have to remind myself that I didn't just settle for anyone when I got married.  I waited until the right guy came along to marry.  My match.  Those other relationships that didn't work out weren't right for me.  And I know that in my head.  When I think about all the other guys I knew before, and I think about my husband now... he's the best fit for me.  I made that choice.

So I need to get that fear out of my head.  But the "being picked last for the basketball team" is a legitimate fear for me.  Also the "not getting picked at all"- even though they don't even know me is my other fear.  (relating to dating, adoption, etc.)  

When people do get to know me, they are able to recognize my positive attributes.  That I am a patient, encouraging, positive person.  And I actually have proof that I have developed these talents.  

I grew up thinking I didn't have any talents.  But later in life, I realized my talents were not something I could easily showcase.  Once I got my dog Jasmine, those talents started to manifest.  Through positive reinforcement training (which uses all of the skills/ talents I already have developed)... I learned how to teach my dog to do amazing tricks.  And she LOVES to do them.  We both flourished.  Now my dog has her own YouTube channel which has her dog trick videos that I have made.   And they are very popular on YouTube.  Some of her videos have over a million views.  We have been on national TV many times showing people her dog tricks.  She brings a smile and joy to so many people, and has friends all over the world who write to me about Jasmine.

And she has given me a way to serve others by using those talents.  I got her certified as a therapy dog, and for years we went weekly to a children's hospital to meet with the kids who are patients there.  We went room to room individually meeting with the kids and performing little trick show for them.  They loved it, and Jasmine loved the attention and treats.  And I found great joy and fulfillment through serving others.  Everybody wins.

So... long story short... I have to remind myself that once someone gets to truly know me, they will see those good qualities.  And light attracts light.  So, if they have light, they will want to be around me and my light.  And I won't be rejected.

They may not feel like I would be the best fit for their child, but that doesn't mean I am not a good person.  That's because we are all different.  And like my friend said "there's a lid for every pot".  We're all different, and even in getting married later... I had to wait for the right lid to my pot.

Something else I fear/ wonder about:  is the "am I supposed to have kids" question.  All of my friends from high school are done having kids.  One of my friends just had her oldest kid graduate from high school, and move out.  So she is done raising one of her kids.  And I haven't even started.  That makes me question things.  The majority of people at church and at work that have kids are in their 20s and 30's.  I would be starting after 40.  This concerns me because that means (assuming I get a baby soon)... that when I am 60, my kid will only be 20.  When I am 80, my kid will only be 40.  And sometime less that 20 years after that, I will be dead.  And I can't image only being 40 or 50 years old and losing my mom.  (When you're young, 40 and 50 sounds old. Now that I am 40, it doesn't seem old at all.  I barely feel like I am starting to figure life out.)  

I had a friend who posted a funny video on Facebook of her singing that it's time to get her mammogram.  She graduated college at the same time as me.  She got married, had some kids, has been through a divorce, got a better job, and now has met a really nice guy who she is happy with.  We're around the same age.  But I feel like she is a lot older than me.  Or at least had a lot more life experience.  (And not that I would ever want to trade trials in life.)  But we are at different stages of life.  But in regards to kids, she's at the finish line, and I'm at the starting line.   

So I wonder if I should even have kids.   Knowing all this.  Or if I should just be content with being a fun aunt, and being friendly to the kids at church.  (I have lots of little buddies in church who like me.)  (Probably because I always have toys or coloring books in my purse.)  For years, I have brought a bag full of kids' toys, books, etc. to church to help out with other people's kids.  Because you know that kids always like someone else's stuff better than your own.  This helps give the parents a break, it keeps the kids quiet so people can hear the speaker and feel the spirit at church, and honestly I really enjoy doing it.  It makes me feel needed, and liked.

So....  I was praying about it for a while... if I should even have kids.  And the thought came into my head "Do you want kids?"   I had to think about that.  Am I doing it just because it's what everyone else is doing?  Or do I really want to have kids?  And the answer is yes.  I do.   So...then the answer was to stop comparing my situation to everyone else.  I still have a lot of love to give, and some child needs that.

Back to the talk from Janet Lee:

One quote that really stood out to me was: 

Elder Richard G. Scott wisely instructed in the October 1991 general conference:

Trust [the Lord], even when in eternal perspective it temporarily hurts very much. Have patience when you are asked to wait when you want immediate action. . . . The path you are to walk through life may be very different from others. You may not always know why He does what He does, but you can know that He is perfectly just and perfectly merciful. [“Obtaining Help from the Lord,” Ensign, November 1991, p. 86]

There's my answer right there.  "The path you are to walk through life may be very different from others."   - Richard G. Scott

Welcome to my life.

It's always been different from others.  Sometimes by choice and sometimes by circumstance.  But it's my path.

The last part of this talk by Janet Lee that stood out to me was this:

My choice would not have been to experience what was given me to do, yet, as a result, each day is filled with deeper meaning, greater understanding, and new insights. If I could trade it all back now and take the challenges away, I would do so in a minute. I don’t like the fact that my husband has cancer. It is definitely a deviation from the life I had in mind for us. But if I could turn back the clock, would I also have to trade in what I have learned? I wouldn’t want to give that part back. Always having our first choice might mean giving up unknown benefits. As Emerson said, “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else” (Essays: First Series [1841], “Compensation”).

That is something I feel.  I wouldn't want to go back, because I am not the same person I was before.  I have a stronger sense of empathy for others.  I have a unique ability to relate and understand the struggles of those going through infertility.  And although it's fairly common, not many people talk about it.  So people feel isolated.  So I am able to connect with those types of individuals.  But in a broader sense, I believe it has made me more empathetic to others as well.  I have a deeper connection to Heavenly Father and a love for all his children.  So, no, I wouldn't give that back.  I'm finally at the point where I know my strengths and I know my struggles.  And I know how to use both of those to help people.

Do I still wish my circumstances were different?  A little.  But that doesn't change anything.   Do I wish it wasn't so hard at times?  Yes.  But I recognize that by going through these difficult circumstances, I have grown really deep roots.  (Like a tree that goes through a lot of storms.)

And in general, life isn't always hard.  Life is good.  There are definitely some hard, rocky times to get through.  But with or without kids, I am trying my best to live a good life.  To make a difference in the world around me.    To show kindness and love to those I meet.  And to spread happiness by caring about others.

Maybe that's my purpose in life.  With or without kids. We'll see.

The Gift of Being Broken

Today I read a blogpost that really resonated with me.  It was called "The Gift of Being Broken."  I think a lot of people can relate to this. 

Read what the author Ariel Szuch shared:  https://www.lds.org/blog/the-gift-of-being-broken?lang=eng

She said:
"However, God is good, and He has taught me a valuable lesson about being broken through my life’s experiences:

Brokenness is a gift.

Why? Because our brokenness connects us to each other, and our brokenness brings us to Christ. It is by bringing our broken hearts to Him that we are made whole.

Sharing our brokenness brings meaning to our experiences, and the connection we make with others when we share our stories brings healing."

***This is true.  And it's interesting how our lives interconnect.  When I first started going through my infertility procedures and struggles, a close friend started her infertility journey about 6 months after us.  She would do an IUI, then I would do an IUI.  Our timing seemed to alternate, so she could comfort me when mine were unsuccessful, and then I could be there for her when hers were unsuccessful.   She and her husband did rounds and rounds of IUI's.  (Artificial Insemination)   Finally they decided to invest the money, and get IVF.  (In Vitro Fertilization)  Similar to me, she got married later in life.  Just like me, she and her husband are LDS and have wanted kids their whole life.  And they were so thrilled to find out that she was pregnant after their procedure.   Unlike me who kept my pregnancy quiet, she told everyone that it was successful.  And they were expecting.  Things were going along great.  She almost made it to the end of the 1st trimester.  And when she went in for her ultrasound, they were unable to find a heartbeat.  (just like me).  How I wish that wasn't the case.  How I wish she wouldn't have to go through the same devastation that I went through.  How I wish her baby could have kept growing.  But no.  For whatever reason, it wasn't meant to be.  It's a dark place to be in when you first miscarry.  But that's okay.   She texted me the day after she got the news.  I was in Walmart.  And as our texting conversation went on, I started crying in Walmart.  I went to the the housewares aisle which was less crowded than the grocery aisles.  And I could honestly share in her misery.  It sucks.  You go through all that blood, shots, surgeries, and tears, and for what?  It seems like all that pain and suffering is for nothing.   (Having gone through it, I know it's a refiner's fire.  But in the middle of going through it, you're not able to see it yet.)   But I was able to tell her that it hurts less on the other side.  It's been almost a year since I miscarried.  And I'm definitely glad to be on the other side of that trial.  Because now I can look back, and identify what the author is talking about below is this quote: 

"Being broken is a gift, because when we are broken, we recognize the need for a Savior to make us whole.

There’s a reason that the sacrifice Jesus asks of us is a “broken heart and a contrite spirit.” A broken heart is one that is open to Him, that lets in His grace. He felt our pains and sorrows first, and by going through a little of what He went through, we feel His power in our lives."

This is the other things I have learned through this trial.  That Jesus Christ literally has bound up my wounds, and pieced my broken heart back together.  (at times I thought I was going to completely lose it.)  I have felt a peace that only my Savior Jesus Christ could give.  And so although I still struggle with my infertility and the direction of my life.  It's not as intense now.  And I can definitely recognize that the Lord was there to comfort me during my trials.  And I had to go down that road, if only to know that I tried everything I could.  And to learn that was not my path.  

I'm still learning what my path in this life is.  But I know I have learned to rely on Jesus Christ more over the past few years than ever before in my life.  And that's all I really know right now.  And I have that knowledge as I move forward... to whatever the future holds.

Aftermath of Infertility- healing through music

Facebook time hop is normally a good thing.  Showing me pictures and memories of years past.  It's fun to reminisce.  Sometimes.  

This week, a picture of a stuffed unicorn and a potted flower came up.  And it hurt my heart.  My husband bought me that after one of our harder my last IVF surgery.  That was the one that resulted in pregnancy, but then later miscarriage.

At church during Relief Society, we had a special lesson taught by Tierra Jones.  It was full of special musical numbers.  Since Tierra was teaching the lesson, she was able to recruit her family members to help out.  They are phenomenal singers.  Bryson and Tierra sang a duet which was beyond beautiful.  Then Bryson's brother sang the song "You Have Nothing To Fear From This Journey"... written by Rob Gardner.  And I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face.  It brought a comfort and soothing feeling to my hurting heart.  I'll always be grateful to her for that lesson.  It helped to heal a part of my soul.

Here's the song:

https://youtu.be/cmtqj3R2ioA

And here are the lyrics:

You have nothing to fear from the journey,
Though your way may be burdened by thorns.
For the Lord will be with you each step of the way
As you travel with faith through the storm.
And you've nothing to fear from your trials,
Though they seem far too heavy to bear.
Take His hand and He'll lead you gently along
And you'll find peace and safety there.

You have nothing to fear from the journey, 
Though your body is tired and worn. 
For the Lord will send angels to lift up your arms
And He'll carry the burden you've born.
And you've nothing to fear from your suff'ring,
Nor the grief you've been called on to bear,
Take His hand and He'll lead you gently along
And you'll find peace and safety there.

There is nothing to fear from the nights that are lonely,
There's nothing to fear from the cold!
There's nothing to fear from what might be tomorrow,
For heaven is with you, 
And angels watch over 
His fold.

You have nothing to fear from the journey, 
Though it seems far too early to go. 
Heaven's angels will take you where tears are no more 
And they'll lead you to glory untold. 
And you've nothing to fear from your sorrow, 
Though your life has been burdened by care. 
Take His hand and He'll lead you safely back home 
And you'll rest from your labors there.

Christmas with no kids

My heart is not fully healed.  I am just getting by in terms of my infertility stuff.

I am back at the point where I can look at newborn babies again, and it doesn't bother me.  I can play with other people's kids and enjoy it.

But every now and then, things get to me.

  On Sunday, I was putting up the Christmas tree and stockings by myself because my husband had to work.  And I started getting sad.  I only hung up the 2 stockings with my dogs names on them.  I didn't even hang up mine or my husbands.  I didn't feel like it.  I really started feeling down.  What was the point?  Most of fun of Christmas involves the excitement of little kids.

   Last year, my hubby volunteered to work on Christmas day, so that this Christmas he would have off.   We planned it that way so he would be able to spend the 1st Christmas with our child.  That obviously didn't work out.   So... that Sunday was hard.

 That being said, I do know the true meaning of Christmas is to celebrate and honor the birth of Jesus Christ.  This year, my church did something different that really helped me focus on others, and not on myself.  And it really made it special this year.  And helped me forget about my current situation.

They had a calendar to download which had suggestions for each day, and ideas for how you could #LightTheWorld.  They were usually service opportunities.  And I tried each day to do one of them.  (And was successful for most of the days.)   

This is my biggest secret to combating the feelings I have while I go through this frustrating process.  When I am focused on others, I tend to not think about my own issues.  I know it sounds really simple, but it really does work for me.

https://www.lds.org/blog/25-ways-to-lighttheworld-this-christmas?lang=eng

Don't put a period where God has intended for a comma.

Learning about punctuation here.  This quote caught my eye.  Sometimes I wonder if we just weren't suppose to have kids.  Obviously it's not working for my own body to get or stay pregnant.  But that's only sometimes I feel that way.  Most times, I would like to be able to have kids.  (one way or another.)

I was re-reading this blog because a friend has started IVF and was asking me some detailed questions.  And I had to re-read my blog to remember the answers!  I am glad this is behind me.  I read an entry from Nov 2015 - called "The Odds Are Never In My Favor".  And I remembered that time.  And I wrote about how much I cried.  And I cried so much I felt empty inside.

I don't feel that way anymore.  I get sad still.  A little sad.  Nothing as deep and overwhelming as when I was going through this trial.

This past weekend, we traveled out of town.  My husband's nephew got baptized, so we went to support him.  One of the speakers was a track coach.  He told a story of something he had witnessed.  He was at a track meet.  And the runners were at the starting line.   The gun went off, and the runners started going.  One boy he knew ran and tripped and fell hard.    When he got up, he had skinned his his hands and knees.  He looked down at the blood, then looked ahead at the other runners.  They were already around the first bend of the track.   His coach expected him to walk off the track.  But he didn't.  He started running.  And after a while, he caught up with the slowest runners and passed them.  Then he started catching up with the faster runners.  The crowd noticed what he was doing, and they were all on their feet cheering for him.  (From both teams)   The speaker said he didn't remember who won that race, but how proud he was of that boy.  Who got up after he fell down and kept running.  And the whole stadium was cheering him on.  He used this as an analogy for my husband's nephew that has just gotten baptized.  There were times he would trip and fall. But he encouraged him to keep running, and that everyone there was supportive of him.

Later that day, I was talking with my husband about this.  I really liked the analogy, but it still made me sad.  (Applying this story to us- trying to start our family.)  I told him this was difficult to keep running, because I don't know where to go.  Doing infertility is like running the race around the track.  (Especially since I've done every procedure possible quite a few times.)   Doing adoption (to me) is like cross-country running... and I don't even know where the course is.  So that was hard for me.

I guess I need to find an adoption coach.

The true meaning of waiting- #Adoption

This was a really good article!  I found it on a website called Adoptimist:
This really helped me understand the benefits of waiting...

Because I don't know how to embed their blog post onto my blog, I'm just going to copy and paste it here.  (and post the link below)  It was written by Amy Brooks:

Dear Waiting Adoptive Parents,

It takes a strong person to wait, especially in our culture where waiting for anything is frowned upon. Waiting is unpleasant and modern life demands fast service.

But you, as a hopeful adoptive parent, know the true meaning of waiting.

As you wait and hope to adopt, I want you to know that you inspire people.

• Your love and appreciation for the beauty of life and the gift of parenthood can be seen and heard by others — even when you don’t speak a word.

• You remind the world that life is truly a miracle.

• Your presence gives hope to the young woman who just found out she is expecting.

• Your neighbors, family and friends see your diligence through the adoption process. The energy you put into the adoptive path makes them appreciate their children more and reminds them how truly blessed a person is when he or she has a child.

• Your hard work and patience educates a generation that is under the impression that everything they want they will get easily and quickly.

• And most admirably, your faith in a greater plan — that is beyond science or human control — brings most people a refreshing reminder to look up to a higher power.

I know it can be trying and discouraging. I know it can take a toll emotionally and weigh heavily on personal relationships. I know it’s not fair.

But God knows your heart is extra deep and holds an infinite capacity for love. Your feelings for your future child surpass biology and natural order. Your desire to become a parent reaffirms the importance of family. 

Our world needs to see you and your values. 

Day after day the media shows us all the hate in the world on the news; and all the products we “should” want.

Meanwhile, inevitably, one person will turn to you and ask you, “How are you are doing?” It’s been a long week, or month or year — and you just say what you are really thinking: “All I want is a baby to love, care for, and parent. That is all I want.”

Our existence (I too am a waiting adoptive parent) is a reminder to others of who, and what, really matter.

I am sorry your life is being used to teach these incredible truths. I am sorry that you have been waiting for so long.

But I will tell you that while you wait, your witness to how amazing parenthood is, your prayers for the blessing of a child and your refusal to give up — matter.

They matter so much to the world. You may never know how much your example and persistence allowed those watching you to live better lives. You may never know how many people you inspired to be more grateful, to show more patience or to persevere when the going got tough. You inspire gratitude, patience and perseverance.

They matter to your future child. Someday you will hear, “you’re the best mommy (or daddy) in the world” from your 4-year-old, and you will know why you waited as long as you did.

Your wait is a gift to your future child. Without it, you wouldn’t be there when they needed you.

So while you daydream about the first visit to the pumpkin patch or simply holding your precious son or daughter in your arms, make sure you keep your chin up.

That pumpkin patch day will come . . .and most likely those pictures won’t look the way you thought they would. But in the big picture, all the despair and heartaches of waiting will be blurry, but the love between you and your child will be crystal clear.

And one day, you will be offering words of encouragement to another person . . . who no longer wants to wait.

Every life is precious . . . and totally worth the wait.

Don’t give up.

With love, hope and prayers for those waiting to adopt,
~Amy

Here's a link to this article:
https://www.adoptimist.com/adoption-blog/dear-waiting-adoptive-parents#.WBJydtIrKmX