Doing things you don't want to do

I try to pray my normal prayer- thanking God for the food I have to eat.  (Which was a bowl of cereal.)  But instead I get choked up and started crying.  All I can get out is "Heavenly Father, I'm having a hard time.  Please help me get through this."

Then I try to choke down my raisin bran, because my throat feels tight and constricted.

My Will:

This morning, I was supposed to go to Dr. Craig's office @ 9:30 am.  I make my appointments early in the morning so I don't have too much time to think about them.  This morning though, I had a melt-down.  Our dog Chewy did something that upset me, and unlocked all the emotions inside.  He had stolen something I had received as a 40th birthday present, taken it outside, and destroyed it.  At first I was angry at him. 

Then I just broke down on the couch saying out loud "I don't want to go.  I don't want to go".  Nobody was home but me.  But I connected with a very primal force inside me- my will.

This whole infertility trial has been about doing things that I don't want to do.  When you're a kid, you sometimes are forced to do things you don't want to do.  But as an adult, it's not as often.  If you don't want to go somewhere, typically no one makes you go.  If you don't want to do something, you don't have to do it.  You have to accept responsibility for you actions, and the consequences of those decisions on the whole, but not one can make you do something you don't want to do.  (In most cases.)

Then enter infertility:

Big Picture:  I want to have a baby.

Doctor:  Do these things and there's a good percentage that you'll be able to get pregnant.

So you do it anyway, even though it's optional and you really don't want to.  Every night, do I really want a 2 inch needle inserted into my butt muscle?  Or a burning needle into my stomach?  No.

Every night, I have to fight to overcome my feelings of "I don't want to do this!!!" and submit to it.

Well then today... a very real, powerful, strong, painful feeling inside me said "I don't want to do this."

So I said ok.

And I rescheduled my doctor's appointment.  It was just a blood draw.  But I wasn't ready to accept the finality of it all.  This blood draw will tell if my HCG levels are dropping appropriately.  (Because if they are not, I have to get a D&C, which I really do not want to get.)

I'm totally opposite of my friend Stephanie.  She had the exact same thing happen to her.  She went in, and they couldn't find a heartbeat.  She wanted to get a D&C right away- to make sure everything got cleaned out properly.  I, on the other hand, highly dislike medical procedures.  (especially if they might not be necessary)  My sister-in-law Monica told me the body will naturally know what to do.  And that's what I wanted.  To let nature take it's course.  Even if I have to be more patient, it's less invasive.  I already feel vulnerable anyway.  I don't want another emotional procedure to add to the emotional trauma I'm already going through.

My Niece's Baby Blessing

In my church, when babies are born, there is a special priesthood ordinance called a baby blessing.
During sacrament meeting, the dad usually gets up in front of the congregation and says a special prayer for the baby.

This past Sunday, my new niece had her baby blessing at church.  (Followed by a family gathering at the parents house.)

This was a day of mixed emotions.  I had found out I miscarried on Wednesday, and the baby blessing was that Sunday.  This is such a special little girl, and there was no way I wasn't going to go to her baby blessing.  I have a lot of nephews in my family, but not very many nieces.

I was fine getting ready that morning.  I was fine walking into church.  I even ran into an old friend named Geoff, who was greeting people as they walked into the church building.  I hadn't seen him in years!  We served together on the Activities Committee of my singles ward.  We were the co-chairs in charge of all the monthly activities.  It was fun running into him again.  He told my hubby I was one of his favorite people, and that made me feel good.

We got there just as church was starting.  And I was okay for probably the first 10 minutes.  And then I was increasingly NOT okay.  I started crying after the opening hymn.  I wanted to leave.  It was too soon.  My hubby was sitting next to me, and asked if I was okay.  I shook my head no.  He asked if I wanted to leave.  I shrugged my shoulders.  I was so choked up I couldn't even talk.  He put his arm around me.  

There was no way to quietly slip out of the meeting.  I was in the middle of the pew, so I would have to climb over everyone in order to leave.  I knew it would make a scene if I left in the middle of the church service.  So I leaned forward, so people wouldn't be able to tell I was having a hard time.  And I just prayed and prayed that Heavenly Father would help me get through this.  It didn't happen right away.  But somewhere between the sacrament song and prayers, my emotions were calmed.  And everything was okay for the moment.  I was able to focus on what I had, and not what I was missing.

 My prayer was answered.  I've heard a quote from John H. Groberg that said "Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes he calms his child."  This time he calmed me.

Not ready to develop character I guess.

Sometimes, I recognize the Lord is trying to prompt me or speak to me.

I read this quote "Character is revealed in the power to discern the suffering of other people when we ourselves are suffering; in the ability to detect the hunger of others when we are hungry; and in the power to reach out and extend compassion for the spiritual agony of others when we are in the midst of our own spiritual distress."  - David A. Bednar.

I understand that is eventually what the Lord would like me to grow to become.  But I also know that this is not where I am right now.

It is difficult to focus on others when you are going through a hardship.  Yet, it is by focusing on others that our own burdens are lifted.  Sometimes I remember that, and sometimes I know that in my head, but still can't bring myself to do it.

Today I had to leave church early.  The 3rd meeting is called Relief Society.  It's the class where all the women meet together.  I was already feeling a little weird today.  I was writing on my blog this morning, and that got all this stuff in my head.

So by the 3rd hour, I was feeling out of place.  There were too many people with babies.  Too many of my friends who were pregnant.  It was overwhelming.  So I got up and left.

I had been feeling down since the beginning of church, and usually my hubby is there to be supportive, but he had to work today.  So I didn't have my back-up.

There's a period of time that you have to acknowledge and give a voice to your emotions.  I think it's important to validate your emotions- so they don't stay bottled up and trapped inside you.  It's part of the grieving process to work through these emotions.

My father-in-law said something that stuck out to me.  We had to call them last week to tell them we miscarried.  (That was difficult... to untell everyone we had already told.)   He and his wife had been through 4 miscarriages.  And he said it wasn't something that you moved on from.  It will always be a part of you.  So you don't ever move on, but you do move forward.   That makes sense to me.

This past weekend, we finally finished telling everyone that we had miscarried.  I don't like saying that we "lost the baby"- because I didn't lose it.  It's still inside of me.  But we were experiencing a miscarriage.  Technicality, I know.  But it's how my brain works.

Anyway- it was really hard telling all our family members that I wasn't pregnant.  I was afraid of letting them down.  I didn't want them to be disappointed.  I didn't want them to think their prayers weren't answered.  And truthfully, I didn't want to admit it was true.  Devon told his relatives, and I told mine.  That was really hard.

My brother Brad and his wife have experienced 6 miscarriages total.  (all between 8-11 weeks.)  He told me that for some they had told people they were expecting.  And for some, they hadn't told yet.  He said the times they had told, people were able to be more sympathetic, and more compassionate- because they experienced the roller coaster of emotions with you.  The high, then the low.   For the times they hadn't told people yet, there wasn't as much sympathy expressed.  Simply because they weren't a part of that experience.

That being said, I am glad we only told family.  Because I got tired of telling people.  Towards the end, I had my parents and sister-in-law tell the rest of the family.  Because I didn't want to talk about it anymore.  It was too raw.

Sharing our miscarriage

Sept 2nd- I told one person that I had miscarried.

My friend had written me on Facebook about her miscarriage.  And I wrote a blogpost about it.
It's here if you didn't get a chance to read it:  http://makingababythehardway.blogspot.com/2016/08/miscarriage-and-infertility.html

At the time I was writing that, I was pregnant, but hadn't told anyone.  I was just writing the blogpost about miscarriage to help others who have gone through miscarriage.  Because I know there are many different types of infertility.  And even though I had never personally dealt with a miscarriage, I thought it would be helpful to share the words of someone who had.

Little did I know, Heavenly Father was trying to prepare me for what was coming.  (Like it or not.)

Here's what I wrote to her:

So… as it turns out… you were truly inspired to write me. 

Last weekend, I wrote and shared your story about miscarriage on my blog to help others who might be experiencing the same thing. Little did I know, Heavenly Father was preparing me. (like it or not.) I was actually pregnant when you wrote me. We’ve been very private about this, but we did our last frozen embryo transfer in July with adopted embryos. And it worked. I was pregnant. We even got to hear the little heartbeat last week. This week, I would have been 7 weeks pregnant. I went in Wednesday for another ultrasound. And they couldn’t’ find the heartbeat. They said the baby hadn’t grown since last week. And that they were so sorry. And that was it. I held it together when they were in the room, but as soon as they left I started sobbing.

But later, I started thinking about what I wrote on the blog...

It’s interesting that Heavenly Father helped prepare my heart for this. Even though this is not a path I wanted to go down. I’m still processing my emotions with this, so I haven’t written about it yet. Actually, we still need to call my hubby’s side of the family and tell them about it. We had just barely told everyone last week that we were pregnant. (Just family) 

So anyway- that’s where we are at right now. Every 10 minutes I feel differently. Some moments I am fine. And the next I sink into a deep sadness. And I know I still need to experience the different stages of grief. I’m barely at the acceptance stage. It didn’t seem real that I was pregnant. I had just started to believe it after about a month. And the more people we told, the more it sunk in that I was really pregnant. (Especially after we heard the heartbeat.) So now, I am experiencing that same thing in reverse. I’m gradually trying to accept that I am not pregnant anymore. (Which will probably be more real once I actually start passing it.) For now, it’s just words. Anyway- I haven’t told anyone I was pregnant except my family.  But I’m not ready to tell anyone I'm not yet. I just felt like I should tell you. And let you know that the first person your experience is going to help is me.

This was what she wrote back:

Oh CJ. My heart just aches for you right now. I will write more to you in a little bit, I am running out the door to an appointment. But please know I am here. I am convinced God wanted us to be there for each other. Sending you tons of love, and will be back on here to write more in a bit...

SEP 2ND, 10:09AM
This will probably be a long message.  I wish I had some magic words for you to make this process better, but there really aren't any.  But I can offer you lots of love and prayers.  Allow yourself to grieve the loss of what was, and equally important the loss of what was to be.  And it will be a long process of grieving and remembering.  As the months went by, I had a hard time seeing people who were  "as pregnant" as I would have been, or who had babies around the time I would have.  My due date was particularly hard (and it will be again this time around).  Whenever I am particularly sad, I try to take all that sadness and honor the memory of the baby that left too soon by doing something good for others.  It makes me feel like I am doing something positive with a negative.... not saying it makes the pain any less, but it has been my way of getting through.  Everyone needs to find their own ways.  I also found and read books on miscarriage grief, and that was helpful too.  Your emotions are going to be all over the place, both because of the grief and because of the hormones.  Your body is going to be really confused, and no one really explained that to me.  In fact, there was a whole lot I didn't know to expect about the physical process of miscarriage.  It is probably too much TMI, but just know that if you have questions or want to know something, I will tell you and be honest with you about my experiences.  Every miscarriage is different, but they are all physically and emotionally painful.  I suspect the emotional pain makes the physical pain worse.  I have had a feeling that helping another woman with this process was part of my purpose and part of my journey-- God does indeed work in ways we will never fully understand.  I wish this hadn't been part of your journey.     Hang in there my friend.  Know that the roller coaster of emotions is normal and you have every right to grieve.  Please contact me ANYTIME!!  I am here if you want to text, or talk, or cry.  Sending love and strength to you.

I am blessed to have supportive friends in my life.  I hadn't told anyone else, not even my parents.  Her words helped prepare me for what was to come. 

 That night, I had Devon's brother and Bishop Anderson come over and give me a priesthood blessing of healing.  We had originally asked them to come over to give my hubby a blessing- because he was going to be having surgery later this month.  But since they were here.  I asked them to give me one too.  I needed it.  I wanted my body to be able to miscarry, and pass the baby naturally... without having to go in for any more procedures.  So Bishop Anderson gave me a very sweet, comforting blessing.  

No heartbeat this time.

I have been putting off writing this part of the blog.

At our last ultrasound (Aug 31st), we went in for a routine check-up.  I hadn't had any cramping, spotting or bleeding over the last week.  It was just a normal ultrasound. 

I told Devon to record a video of the heartbeat on my phone because the last time we forgot.  (Because this was an infertility specialist's office, their ultrasound equipment didn't record audio, just video.)  Once we transferred to a normal OB's office, we would get the normal ultrasounds.  Technically, I was 7 weeks pregnant, and they transfer care to a regular OB's office around 12 weeks.

I was blessed that I had hubby there with me that morning.

Because things were different this time.  They couldn't find a heartbeat.  She tried different ways to do the ultrasound.  But in the end, it was unsuccessful.  She measured, and the baby hadn't grown at all since the week before.  (and it was supposed to double in size)  So even if I was tempted to think the equipment just wasn't finding the heartbeat, and it was still there.... the fact that the baby hadn't grown at all in the past week proved what they were saying.

From the moment that Susan (the ultrasound person) said she was having trouble finding the heartbeat, I just froze.  I didn't say anything.  But gradually, one by one, a tear would slip out my right eye onto the pillow.   Devon was squeezing my hand.  I didn't even look at him.  She tried different ways to detect the heartbeat before eventually telling me she was so sorry.  She said I could get dressed, and the medical assistant would come in to talk to me.  I didn't move.  I just laid there.  Eventually, she kindly said to take as long as I need.  I held it together when she was in the room, but the second she left I started sobbing.  I cried out to Devon "What is WRONG with my body?!?!"  I just sobbed and sobbed.  Devon just hugged me and although he wasn't crying, he eyes were red and teary.  I just laid there.  I didn't know what to do at that point.

I remembered what had occurred the night before.  Each night became increasingly more difficult to do the progesterone intra-muscular butt shots.  There's a relatively small area you can do them in, and every time you do it, it leaves a knot.  The night before had been a rough one.  (There was not an area without a knot in it, so he had to go through one of the knots which really hurt.)   I was crying afterwards- and wondering out loud if this was all worth it.  I had even said "what if it's not there anymore?"   Now technically the baby had quit growing the week before.  So I didn't make myself miscarry by saying that.  But it still felt weird that I had said that... and then it came true.

The medical assistant Christina came in to talk to us.  She was really kind and compassionate.  She talked really softly and told us that there was nothing we did that caused this.  It was most likely a genetic abnormality, and the body recognized that and that is why it quit growing.

She told me that it most likely would pass over the next 30 days,  (But didn't know when it would start or how long it would last- every person is different.)  But I would need to come back in a week or two for a blood test.  This would check to make sure my HCG levels were dropping appropriately.  Because if they weren't, we would need to consider alternative methods.  (Such as a D&C or medication that would help it pass.)  I was done with doctors at this point.  So I was really hoping my body just let it pass naturally.

And... we left.  I had only taken 2 hours off from work- because this was supposed to be a routine ultrasound.  But after this, I was an emotional wreck.  I texted my office manager to see if I could have the rest of the day off.  She was one of the few who knew I was actually pregnant.  She said of course.  I told her to tell everyone that I had a migraine.  (Because that wasn't a lie.  I had been crying so hard, my head was pounding.)

And we drove home... not ready to face our new future.  We had just barely told all our family last week that we were pregnant.  Now we had to un-tell everyone.  And I wasn't ready to do that.  So I didn't tell anyone.  I just went home.  And stayed there.