Christmas with no kids

My heart is not fully healed.  I am just getting by in terms of my infertility stuff.

I am back at the point where I can look at newborn babies again, and it doesn't bother me.  I can play with other people's kids and enjoy it.

But every now and then, things get to me.

  On Sunday, I was putting up the Christmas tree and stockings by myself because my husband had to work.  And I started getting sad.  I only hung up the 2 stockings with my dogs names on them.  I didn't even hang up mine or my husbands.  I didn't feel like it.  I really started feeling down.  What was the point?  Most of fun of Christmas involves the excitement of little kids.

   Last year, my hubby volunteered to work on Christmas day, so that this Christmas he would have off.   We planned it that way so he would be able to spend the 1st Christmas with our child.  That obviously didn't work out.   So... that Sunday was hard.

 That being said, I do know the true meaning of Christmas is to celebrate and honor the birth of Jesus Christ.  This year, my church did something different that really helped me focus on others, and not on myself.  And it really made it special this year.  And helped me forget about my current situation.

They had a calendar to download which had suggestions for each day, and ideas for how you could #LightTheWorld.  They were usually service opportunities.  And I tried each day to do one of them.  (And was successful for most of the days.)   

This is my biggest secret to combating the feelings I have while I go through this frustrating process.  When I am focused on others, I tend to not think about my own issues.  I know it sounds really simple, but it really does work for me.

https://www.lds.org/blog/25-ways-to-lighttheworld-this-christmas?lang=eng

Don't put a period where God has intended for a comma.

Learning about punctuation here.  This quote caught my eye.  Sometimes I wonder if we just weren't suppose to have kids.  Obviously it's not working for my own body to get or stay pregnant.  But that's only sometimes I feel that way.  Most times, I would like to be able to have kids.  (one way or another.)

I was re-reading this blog because a friend has started IVF and was asking me some detailed questions.  And I had to re-read my blog to remember the answers!  I am glad this is behind me.  I read an entry from Nov 2015 - called "The Odds Are Never In My Favor".  And I remembered that time.  And I wrote about how much I cried.  And I cried so much I felt empty inside.

I don't feel that way anymore.  I get sad still.  A little sad.  Nothing as deep and overwhelming as when I was going through this trial.

This past weekend, we traveled out of town.  My husband's nephew got baptized, so we went to support him.  One of the speakers was a track coach.  He told a story of something he had witnessed.  He was at a track meet.  And the runners were at the starting line.   The gun went off, and the runners started going.  One boy he knew ran and tripped and fell hard.    When he got up, he had skinned his his hands and knees.  He looked down at the blood, then looked ahead at the other runners.  They were already around the first bend of the track.   His coach expected him to walk off the track.  But he didn't.  He started running.  And after a while, he caught up with the slowest runners and passed them.  Then he started catching up with the faster runners.  The crowd noticed what he was doing, and they were all on their feet cheering for him.  (From both teams)   The speaker said he didn't remember who won that race, but how proud he was of that boy.  Who got up after he fell down and kept running.  And the whole stadium was cheering him on.  He used this as an analogy for my husband's nephew that has just gotten baptized.  There were times he would trip and fall. But he encouraged him to keep running, and that everyone there was supportive of him.

Later that day, I was talking with my husband about this.  I really liked the analogy, but it still made me sad.  (Applying this story to us- trying to start our family.)  I told him this was difficult to keep running, because I don't know where to go.  Doing infertility is like running the race around the track.  (Especially since I've done every procedure possible quite a few times.)   Doing adoption (to me) is like cross-country running... and I don't even know where the course is.  So that was hard for me.

I guess I need to find an adoption coach.

The true meaning of waiting- #Adoption

This was a really good article!  I found it on a website called Adoptimist:
This really helped me understand the benefits of waiting...

Because I don't know how to embed their blog post onto my blog, I'm just going to copy and paste it here.  (and post the link below)  It was written by Amy Brooks:

Dear Waiting Adoptive Parents,

It takes a strong person to wait, especially in our culture where waiting for anything is frowned upon. Waiting is unpleasant and modern life demands fast service.

But you, as a hopeful adoptive parent, know the true meaning of waiting.

As you wait and hope to adopt, I want you to know that you inspire people.

• Your love and appreciation for the beauty of life and the gift of parenthood can be seen and heard by others — even when you don’t speak a word.

• You remind the world that life is truly a miracle.

• Your presence gives hope to the young woman who just found out she is expecting.

• Your neighbors, family and friends see your diligence through the adoption process. The energy you put into the adoptive path makes them appreciate their children more and reminds them how truly blessed a person is when he or she has a child.

• Your hard work and patience educates a generation that is under the impression that everything they want they will get easily and quickly.

• And most admirably, your faith in a greater plan — that is beyond science or human control — brings most people a refreshing reminder to look up to a higher power.

I know it can be trying and discouraging. I know it can take a toll emotionally and weigh heavily on personal relationships. I know it’s not fair.

But God knows your heart is extra deep and holds an infinite capacity for love. Your feelings for your future child surpass biology and natural order. Your desire to become a parent reaffirms the importance of family. 

Our world needs to see you and your values. 

Day after day the media shows us all the hate in the world on the news; and all the products we “should” want.

Meanwhile, inevitably, one person will turn to you and ask you, “How are you are doing?” It’s been a long week, or month or year — and you just say what you are really thinking: “All I want is a baby to love, care for, and parent. That is all I want.”

Our existence (I too am a waiting adoptive parent) is a reminder to others of who, and what, really matter.

I am sorry your life is being used to teach these incredible truths. I am sorry that you have been waiting for so long.

But I will tell you that while you wait, your witness to how amazing parenthood is, your prayers for the blessing of a child and your refusal to give up — matter.

They matter so much to the world. You may never know how much your example and persistence allowed those watching you to live better lives. You may never know how many people you inspired to be more grateful, to show more patience or to persevere when the going got tough. You inspire gratitude, patience and perseverance.

They matter to your future child. Someday you will hear, “you’re the best mommy (or daddy) in the world” from your 4-year-old, and you will know why you waited as long as you did.

Your wait is a gift to your future child. Without it, you wouldn’t be there when they needed you.

So while you daydream about the first visit to the pumpkin patch or simply holding your precious son or daughter in your arms, make sure you keep your chin up.

That pumpkin patch day will come . . .and most likely those pictures won’t look the way you thought they would. But in the big picture, all the despair and heartaches of waiting will be blurry, but the love between you and your child will be crystal clear.

And one day, you will be offering words of encouragement to another person . . . who no longer wants to wait.

Every life is precious . . . and totally worth the wait.

Don’t give up.

With love, hope and prayers for those waiting to adopt,
~Amy

Here's a link to this article:
https://www.adoptimist.com/adoption-blog/dear-waiting-adoptive-parents#.WBJydtIrKmX

Adoption 101

I think I am emotionally ready to begin the adoption process.  It's a long, complicated process- which I don't fully understand.  But I know enough to get started.  To be truthful, it's kind of overwhelming to me.  And when things are overwhelming, I tend to shut down and not do anything.  

But I am trying to just do one thing at a time to get the ball rolling.  We had actually started the paperwork process last summer. So I contacted the agency again to see what I need to update.

Here's what I learned from a website called OLOS about what is required: 

A home study is a written story of you and your family. A current home study is needed for every adoptive family in the United States whether they are adopting a child in their state, in another state or internationally. Once a home study  is completed it will be submitted to the court.  You will receive a notice once you are certified to adopt in your county of residence. AUTOBIOGRAPHY: Family members are asked to complete an autobiography. It is the story of your life, and may include such items as childhood experiences, family relationships, education, marriage, experiences, employment, and other important information you would like to share. BACKGROUND RECORDS CHECK: Arizona requires that adoptive families have fingerprints taken and a local criminal and child abuse background records check. A list of local fingerprint locations is provided for you. Note: Most misdemeanors that occurred in the past will not have an adverse effect on the outcome of the home study, although they will be addressed. Major felony convictions and crimes against children are reasons a home study would not be approved. FINANCIAL STATEMENTS: Financial records are reviewed and the information is provided to the court to make sure adoptive families can manage their current finances and insure that adding another family member will not put them in financial peril.  Items needed include copies of tax forms, insurance policies, bank statements, mortgage or rent payments, and credit card balances. Note: While there is not necessarily a minimum income that is required to adopt a child, the adoptive family must show they can manage their finances and are able to accept a child into their home without undue financial burden. HEALTH STATEMENT: Health examinations are required of all persons in your home. The goal of the health statements are to make sure the family is in good general health, they have normal life expectancies, and they are able to physically and mentally care for a child. If there is an existing medical condition, you are not necessarily precluded from adopting a child as long as the condition is not a threat to others and the condition is under a doctor’s care and supervision. A doctor must give a written recommendation of your ability to care for a child. HOME VISIT: A home visit and a tour of your home is made by the assigned social worker. Safety factors will be reviewed with you. There are specific rules for swimming pools, pets and weapons in the home.  Your worker will record information about your home and living situation as part of the home study. PERSONAL INTERVIEW:  One or more interviews will be required with the Social Worker conducting the home study. At least one of these interviews will take place in the home of the adoptive family. The personal interviews will explore the adoptive family’s decision to adopt and to make sure their home is adequately prepared to receive a child. RACE: When an adoptive family is adopting a child of a different race.  The Multi-Ethnic Placement Act (MEPA) prohibits race as a consideration to delay or deny an adoption. In the case of interracial adoptions there are certain dynamics that need to be explored in order to fully educate the adoptive family and each country has different specific requirements that the social worker will review with your family. The home study process reviews issues of race to help the family prepare for the social and cultural issues associated with inter-racial adoptions. REFERENCES: References are required. You may request them from employers, friends, neighbors, clergy, and family members. The references are used to assess the adoptive family’s desire and fitness to parent a child. References are not shared with an adoptive family in order to maintain their integrity unless a written release is signed by the person providing the information.. RELIGION: Affiliation with a religious denomination is not a requirement for an adoptive family with adoption, but the subject of religion is usually explored in the home study.  Some agencies, however, do have certain religious requirements of their adoptive families.  Religious inquiries in the home study are made as to the faith of the family, service attendance, and future religious involvement of the child. If you have questions please call or send us an e mail. We look forward to working with you and your family to successfully complete your home study in a timely cost effective manner.

So... yeah.  Lots of work ahead of us.  Anybody want to write my autobiography?  They didn't say I couldn't have a ghost writer.  ;)   

Last year, we already did the physicals, and got fingerprinted.  So I hope those still count.

Anyway- here we go.   

P.S.  If you hear of a potential birth mom.... tell her about us.  And maybe by the time you do, I'll have an autobiography written...  ;)

It's funny how things are put into your life at just the right time.

This picture came up in my Facebook Memories.  I had shared this in 2013.  And it just came up again.  I saw it after I had finished a conversation with my sister.

We had talked about adoption.  I had thought as soon as I knew I wasn't pregnant, I would want to move forward with adoption.  I thought I would be gung-ho.  I'm not.  I haven't wanted to touch it.

I think a lot of that has to do with the miscarriage.  I know I'm still grieving.  And I need to accept that the infertility treatments didn't work.  And will never work.  We're done.  But I haven't accepted that in my head I guess.  

I had told my sister that one of the hardest parts of adoption for me is putting yourself out there.  And telling everyone I'm broken.  And hey, tell your friends.  (Because networking is the best way to get chosen for adoption.)  But it's very hard to tell people you're broken.

Then I saw this quote.  And it made me think. 

"Though we may feel we are like a broken vessel, we must remember that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter."  -Jeffrey R. Holland

Sometimes when you think you are broken, you just have to remember that God is in control.  Jeffrey R. Holland is amazing.  I heard him speak in person once last year when he visited my stake.  He talked about how God loves broken things.  Because he knows how to fix them.

Now for me, I guess this doesn't mean fixing my body.  I think whether through the miracle of modern fertility treatments or the miracle of adoption, I will have my family.  And it will all be worth it.

We tried everything we could do with fertility treatments.  IUI's (artificial insemination), IVF (implanting fertilized embryos inside me), and donor embryos (using someone else's adopted embryos inside me.)  We've tried it all.  And the last time, I got pregnant.  But then I miscarried.  And for financial reasons, emotional reasons, and physical reasons, that was our last attempt.  The fact that I got pregnant, but didn't stay pregnant means this isn't my path.  But it was worth trying.

This struggle has brought my husband and I closer together in a way that I don't think could have been accomplished any other way.  It's been very hard.  But we are closer now than we've ever been.  Not that I recommend infertility for others, it was just our particular trial.  But we can use our suffering to grow... closer to each other, and closer to the Lord.  Life just provides us with trials. And how we deal with them determines what the result will be.

For the record, I'm not saying I'm strong.  I struggle with this.  I still have my moments when I feel down about my situation.  If I was able to stay pregnant, that would have made things so much simpler.  But I guess that's not the path I'm meant to go down.

So I guess this blog will have to evolve.  It will no longer be now about making a baby the hard way.  It will now be about adoption.  (and I have to come up with a catch name to go along with that, since the title no longer applies.) 

Be Still My Soul Lyrics. (Really needed to hear this.)

Some days I'm good.  Some days I struggle.  Sometimes that's all in the same day.  (and in the same hour)

I came across this song by Kari Jobe- Be Still My Soul (In You I Rest).
I had to download it.  It was just what I needed to hear.   

Here are the lyrics:

I was reading this month's Ensign magazine, and came across an article called "Emotion and Addiction".  The point of the article was that we need to learn to deal directly with painful feelings rather than attempt to self-medicate to escape our emotions.  

It suggested:
1. Take time for negative feelings. Feel them and observe them. Such a process is the enemy of addiction. One cannot learn how to manage feelings without paying some attention to them. Sometimes negative emotions will pass if we simply allow ourselves to observe and experience them.
2. Find productive ways to express negative feelings. Jesus taught, “Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted” (Matthew 5:4). I wonder if the Savior is teaching that there is a helpful relationship between the outward expression of our sorrow and the receipt of comfort. Expressing the painful feelings of our hearts can occur through open and heartfelt prayer, talking to a loved one or a Church leader, writing in a personal journal, or counseling with a professional.

**  I call it flight attendant syndrome- where if people ask how you are doing.  You respond good.  No matter what you're really feeling.

I found this funny meme: 

This was a little too true!!  (and made me smile.)  I told 3 more people that I had a miscarriage.  (That didn't already know I was pregnant.)  It's getting easier to talk about it.  I am slowly opening up to trusted friends.  (Family already knew.)  But in regards to finding productive ways to express negative feelings... I think it's interesting that the author of that article wrote about the correlation with expressing our painful feelings (which is really hard to do) and the receipt of comfort.  It's been over a month since my miscarriage, so it takes a while for me to open up about it.  But it's getting a little easier.  And when I haven opened up about it to select people, the majority have been so sympathetic.  A lot of women have gone through this.... you just don't know about it.

The rest of the article had other interesting points, but those were the ones that stood out to me.  Here's the link if you want to read about the others:  https://www.lds.org/ensign/2016/10/emotion-and-addiction?lang=eng

Doing things you don't want to do

I try to pray my normal prayer- thanking God for the food I have to eat.  (Which was a bowl of cereal.)  But instead I get choked up and started crying.  All I can get out is "Heavenly Father, I'm having a hard time.  Please help me get through this."

Then I try to choke down my raisin bran, because my throat feels tight and constricted.

My Will:

This morning, I was supposed to go to Dr. Craig's office @ 9:30 am.  I make my appointments early in the morning so I don't have too much time to think about them.  This morning though, I had a melt-down.  Our dog Chewy did something that upset me, and unlocked all the emotions inside.  He had stolen something I had received as a 40th birthday present, taken it outside, and destroyed it.  At first I was angry at him. 

Then I just broke down on the couch saying out loud "I don't want to go.  I don't want to go".  Nobody was home but me.  But I connected with a very primal force inside me- my will.

This whole infertility trial has been about doing things that I don't want to do.  When you're a kid, you sometimes are forced to do things you don't want to do.  But as an adult, it's not as often.  If you don't want to go somewhere, typically no one makes you go.  If you don't want to do something, you don't have to do it.  You have to accept responsibility for you actions, and the consequences of those decisions on the whole, but not one can make you do something you don't want to do.  (In most cases.)

Then enter infertility:

Big Picture:  I want to have a baby.

Doctor:  Do these things and there's a good percentage that you'll be able to get pregnant.

So you do it anyway, even though it's optional and you really don't want to.  Every night, do I really want a 2 inch needle inserted into my butt muscle?  Or a burning needle into my stomach?  No.

Every night, I have to fight to overcome my feelings of "I don't want to do this!!!" and submit to it.

Well then today... a very real, powerful, strong, painful feeling inside me said "I don't want to do this."

So I said ok.

And I rescheduled my doctor's appointment.  It was just a blood draw.  But I wasn't ready to accept the finality of it all.  This blood draw will tell if my HCG levels are dropping appropriately.  (Because if they are not, I have to get a D&C, which I really do not want to get.)

I'm totally opposite of my friend Stephanie.  She had the exact same thing happen to her.  She went in, and they couldn't find a heartbeat.  She wanted to get a D&C right away- to make sure everything got cleaned out properly.  I, on the other hand, highly dislike medical procedures.  (especially if they might not be necessary)  My sister-in-law Monica told me the body will naturally know what to do.  And that's what I wanted.  To let nature take it's course.  Even if I have to be more patient, it's less invasive.  I already feel vulnerable anyway.  I don't want another emotional procedure to add to the emotional trauma I'm already going through.

My Niece's Baby Blessing

In my church, when babies are born, there is a special priesthood ordinance called a baby blessing.
During sacrament meeting, the dad usually gets up in front of the congregation and says a special prayer for the baby.

This past Sunday, my new niece had her baby blessing at church.  (Followed by a family gathering at the parents house.)

This was a day of mixed emotions.  I had found out I miscarried on Wednesday, and the baby blessing was that Sunday.  This is such a special little girl, and there was no way I wasn't going to go to her baby blessing.  I have a lot of nephews in my family, but not very many nieces.

I was fine getting ready that morning.  I was fine walking into church.  I even ran into an old friend named Geoff, who was greeting people as they walked into the church building.  I hadn't seen him in years!  We served together on the Activities Committee of my singles ward.  We were the co-chairs in charge of all the monthly activities.  It was fun running into him again.  He told my hubby I was one of his favorite people, and that made me feel good.

We got there just as church was starting.  And I was okay for probably the first 10 minutes.  And then I was increasingly NOT okay.  I started crying after the opening hymn.  I wanted to leave.  It was too soon.  My hubby was sitting next to me, and asked if I was okay.  I shook my head no.  He asked if I wanted to leave.  I shrugged my shoulders.  I was so choked up I couldn't even talk.  He put his arm around me.  

There was no way to quietly slip out of the meeting.  I was in the middle of the pew, so I would have to climb over everyone in order to leave.  I knew it would make a scene if I left in the middle of the church service.  So I leaned forward, so people wouldn't be able to tell I was having a hard time.  And I just prayed and prayed that Heavenly Father would help me get through this.  It didn't happen right away.  But somewhere between the sacrament song and prayers, my emotions were calmed.  And everything was okay for the moment.  I was able to focus on what I had, and not what I was missing.

 My prayer was answered.  I've heard a quote from John H. Groberg that said "Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes he calms his child."  This time he calmed me.

Not ready to develop character I guess.

Sometimes, I recognize the Lord is trying to prompt me or speak to me.

I read this quote "Character is revealed in the power to discern the suffering of other people when we ourselves are suffering; in the ability to detect the hunger of others when we are hungry; and in the power to reach out and extend compassion for the spiritual agony of others when we are in the midst of our own spiritual distress."  - David A. Bednar.

I understand that is eventually what the Lord would like me to grow to become.  But I also know that this is not where I am right now.

It is difficult to focus on others when you are going through a hardship.  Yet, it is by focusing on others that our own burdens are lifted.  Sometimes I remember that, and sometimes I know that in my head, but still can't bring myself to do it.

Today I had to leave church early.  The 3rd meeting is called Relief Society.  It's the class where all the women meet together.  I was already feeling a little weird today.  I was writing on my blog this morning, and that got all this stuff in my head.

So by the 3rd hour, I was feeling out of place.  There were too many people with babies.  Too many of my friends who were pregnant.  It was overwhelming.  So I got up and left.

I had been feeling down since the beginning of church, and usually my hubby is there to be supportive, but he had to work today.  So I didn't have my back-up.

There's a period of time that you have to acknowledge and give a voice to your emotions.  I think it's important to validate your emotions- so they don't stay bottled up and trapped inside you.  It's part of the grieving process to work through these emotions.

My father-in-law said something that stuck out to me.  We had to call them last week to tell them we miscarried.  (That was difficult... to untell everyone we had already told.)   He and his wife had been through 4 miscarriages.  And he said it wasn't something that you moved on from.  It will always be a part of you.  So you don't ever move on, but you do move forward.   That makes sense to me.

This past weekend, we finally finished telling everyone that we had miscarried.  I don't like saying that we "lost the baby"- because I didn't lose it.  It's still inside of me.  But we were experiencing a miscarriage.  Technicality, I know.  But it's how my brain works.

Anyway- it was really hard telling all our family members that I wasn't pregnant.  I was afraid of letting them down.  I didn't want them to be disappointed.  I didn't want them to think their prayers weren't answered.  And truthfully, I didn't want to admit it was true.  Devon told his relatives, and I told mine.  That was really hard.

My brother Brad and his wife have experienced 6 miscarriages total.  (all between 8-11 weeks.)  He told me that for some they had told people they were expecting.  And for some, they hadn't told yet.  He said the times they had told, people were able to be more sympathetic, and more compassionate- because they experienced the roller coaster of emotions with you.  The high, then the low.   For the times they hadn't told people yet, there wasn't as much sympathy expressed.  Simply because they weren't a part of that experience.

That being said, I am glad we only told family.  Because I got tired of telling people.  Towards the end, I had my parents and sister-in-law tell the rest of the family.  Because I didn't want to talk about it anymore.  It was too raw.

Sharing our miscarriage

Sept 2nd- I told one person that I had miscarried.

My friend had written me on Facebook about her miscarriage.  And I wrote a blogpost about it.
It's here if you didn't get a chance to read it:  http://makingababythehardway.blogspot.com/2016/08/miscarriage-and-infertility.html

At the time I was writing that, I was pregnant, but hadn't told anyone.  I was just writing the blogpost about miscarriage to help others who have gone through miscarriage.  Because I know there are many different types of infertility.  And even though I had never personally dealt with a miscarriage, I thought it would be helpful to share the words of someone who had.

Little did I know, Heavenly Father was trying to prepare me for what was coming.  (Like it or not.)

Here's what I wrote to her:

So… as it turns out… you were truly inspired to write me. 

Last weekend, I wrote and shared your story about miscarriage on my blog to help others who might be experiencing the same thing. Little did I know, Heavenly Father was preparing me. (like it or not.) I was actually pregnant when you wrote me. We’ve been very private about this, but we did our last frozen embryo transfer in July with adopted embryos. And it worked. I was pregnant. We even got to hear the little heartbeat last week. This week, I would have been 7 weeks pregnant. I went in Wednesday for another ultrasound. And they couldn’t’ find the heartbeat. They said the baby hadn’t grown since last week. And that they were so sorry. And that was it. I held it together when they were in the room, but as soon as they left I started sobbing.

But later, I started thinking about what I wrote on the blog...

It’s interesting that Heavenly Father helped prepare my heart for this. Even though this is not a path I wanted to go down. I’m still processing my emotions with this, so I haven’t written about it yet. Actually, we still need to call my hubby’s side of the family and tell them about it. We had just barely told everyone last week that we were pregnant. (Just family) 

So anyway- that’s where we are at right now. Every 10 minutes I feel differently. Some moments I am fine. And the next I sink into a deep sadness. And I know I still need to experience the different stages of grief. I’m barely at the acceptance stage. It didn’t seem real that I was pregnant. I had just started to believe it after about a month. And the more people we told, the more it sunk in that I was really pregnant. (Especially after we heard the heartbeat.) So now, I am experiencing that same thing in reverse. I’m gradually trying to accept that I am not pregnant anymore. (Which will probably be more real once I actually start passing it.) For now, it’s just words. Anyway- I haven’t told anyone I was pregnant except my family.  But I’m not ready to tell anyone I'm not yet. I just felt like I should tell you. And let you know that the first person your experience is going to help is me.

This was what she wrote back:

Oh CJ. My heart just aches for you right now. I will write more to you in a little bit, I am running out the door to an appointment. But please know I am here. I am convinced God wanted us to be there for each other. Sending you tons of love, and will be back on here to write more in a bit...

SEP 2ND, 10:09AM
This will probably be a long message.  I wish I had some magic words for you to make this process better, but there really aren't any.  But I can offer you lots of love and prayers.  Allow yourself to grieve the loss of what was, and equally important the loss of what was to be.  And it will be a long process of grieving and remembering.  As the months went by, I had a hard time seeing people who were  "as pregnant" as I would have been, or who had babies around the time I would have.  My due date was particularly hard (and it will be again this time around).  Whenever I am particularly sad, I try to take all that sadness and honor the memory of the baby that left too soon by doing something good for others.  It makes me feel like I am doing something positive with a negative.... not saying it makes the pain any less, but it has been my way of getting through.  Everyone needs to find their own ways.  I also found and read books on miscarriage grief, and that was helpful too.  Your emotions are going to be all over the place, both because of the grief and because of the hormones.  Your body is going to be really confused, and no one really explained that to me.  In fact, there was a whole lot I didn't know to expect about the physical process of miscarriage.  It is probably too much TMI, but just know that if you have questions or want to know something, I will tell you and be honest with you about my experiences.  Every miscarriage is different, but they are all physically and emotionally painful.  I suspect the emotional pain makes the physical pain worse.  I have had a feeling that helping another woman with this process was part of my purpose and part of my journey-- God does indeed work in ways we will never fully understand.  I wish this hadn't been part of your journey.     Hang in there my friend.  Know that the roller coaster of emotions is normal and you have every right to grieve.  Please contact me ANYTIME!!  I am here if you want to text, or talk, or cry.  Sending love and strength to you.

I am blessed to have supportive friends in my life.  I hadn't told anyone else, not even my parents.  Her words helped prepare me for what was to come. 

 That night, I had Devon's brother and Bishop Anderson come over and give me a priesthood blessing of healing.  We had originally asked them to come over to give my hubby a blessing- because he was going to be having surgery later this month.  But since they were here.  I asked them to give me one too.  I needed it.  I wanted my body to be able to miscarry, and pass the baby naturally... without having to go in for any more procedures.  So Bishop Anderson gave me a very sweet, comforting blessing.