The odds are never in my favor.

It was about a week later, and I hadn't heard from my doctor's office about how our 6 embryos were doing.  So I called them today. 

Through the process of natural selection, some of the embryos will just quit growing.  So I was curious how many we had.

 They called me back that night, and I put it on speaker phone so my husband could hear the conversation.

The lady told me that I had 2 embryos that survived.  (out of my 6)   My heart kind of stopped for a minute.

She was upbeat about it.  She said they were rated "good" and "good to fair".

(The rating system goes Very Good/ Good/ Good to Fair/ Fair to Poor/ Poor.)  So the 2 embryos I had scored pretty high.  So she felt like that looked promising when it came time to transfer.

When we were talking on the phone, it was mostly good.  We talked about the next phase.  I'm supposed to call on Cycle Day 1 (which should be this week), and then I'll be back on birth control for a while.  And then we'll talk about doing the transfer in January.

After we hung up, my husband and I hugged.  He said that was kind of mixed news.  (We only got 2 embryos, but they got pretty good ratings.)  

I started getting teared up a little bit.  I said I was excited about our 2 embryos, but it still hurts that we only had 2 out of the 6 survive.  The rest quit growing.  I know it was part of the natural selection that they warned us about.  But we were still crushed.  We were really hoping/ praying for 3 or 4 to make it.

Only having 2 embryos to work with means we only get one chance at this.  They will implant them both and see if one or both take.  I was really hoping for some back-up ones.  Because knowing my luck, they wouldn't take.  And all of this would have been for nothing.   Well, not for nothing.  It's brought my husband and I closer.  And I've learned to face my fear of needles.  (I won't say overcome, but I face it grudgingly.)  And we will finally get closure about whether or not my body can conceive children.

But it's heart-breaking.  And I started crying.  A little bit.  Then a lot.  Then I told my husband I needed to go lie down because I was getting light-headed.  I went to lie down on the bed. I started coughing.  And crying.  And coughing, and crying.  And sobbing.   Hubby came in and held me while I cried.  I felt like I was broken.  I felt like no matter what I do, I can't conceive a child.  I told him I was sorry I can't give him a baby.  I felt like I was denying him opportunities to be a dad.  He told me he didn't see it that way.  He said we were just doing the best we could with what we had been given.  I told him I hadn't been given very much to work with.  He didn't say anything.

I cried for while, and he continued to hold me.  I started thinking about how it was a numbers game, and I was not in general a lucky person.  I feel like I am a very blessed person.  And I was very lucky to have met Devon, and have him in my life.  But in general, I'm not lucky.  I'm not one of those people.  If we are drawing names out of a hat, it's not going to be mine.  But that's ok.  In fact, if something can go wrong, it usually does.  And in other parts of my life, I just deal with it and joke about it.   But this hurts too much to joke about.

But then a thought came into my mind.  This wasn't a numbers game.  It wasn't playing the odds.  And no amount of bad luck is going to influence the outcome one way or another.  I have no control over the outcome.  This is all in Heavenly Father's hands.  This was by divine design that I only had 2 embryos survive.  And that was His choice, on purpose.  I had nothing to do with it.  So I needed to stop blaming myself and my body for things that were out of my control.  Whatever was going to happen was going to happen.  And it was by divine design.  So that's just the way it is.

Eventually, I started breathing regularly again.  And we went and got some dinner.  And turned on the TV to distract me, and tried to forget about it for a while.

IVF Surgery Results

After the surgery, the doctor told us that he was able to retrieve 6 eggs.  After he left, I started crying.  Only 6??  ALL that pain, work, effort for just 6 eggs?  I had had 10 follicles going into surgery.

Previously, they had told us the attrition rate is high.  Not every follicle has an egg.  Not every egg will be a mature egg.  And not every egg will fertilize.  So even if you start with a high number of eggs, you still end up with a lower number of embryos.  And we were already starting with a low number.

Our hope was that after going through this IVF cycle of retrieving and freezing my eggs, that we would have enough to try it a couple of times.  They will implant the equivalent of 2 good embryos.  (They rate the eggs according to quality.)  So it might be 2 good quality embryos or 1 good, 2 poor quality embryos that get implanted.  And we had hoped that worst case scenario, if they implanted the first batch, and I didn't get pregnant, that we could try again the next month.   Or best case scenario, even if I DID get pregnant the first round, then we could freeze the remaining eggs and try again for another baby in 2 years.

So, we were really disappointed to hear that our starting number was 6.  (and who knows how many eggs would actually become embryos.)

That was Saturday.  That night was my husband's turn to pray.  He prayed that if possible 5 of the 6 would fertilize and become embryos.  

On Sunday before church, I got a phone call from the embryologist, and miraculously all 6 embryos had fertilized.  So that was our first miracle.   The doctor said that was very rare, and hardly ever happened.   

It got me thinking about prayer.  I know praying is not supposed to be a shopping list... not a wish list.   What I believe is that:

Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them. Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them. Prayer is a form of work and is an appointed means for obtaining the highest of all blessings.

So I was trying to figure out what that means for us.  Because I also know that when we pray sometimes the answer is yes.  But sometimes the answer is no.  Or not yet.  So for whatever reason... maybe just to buoy us up during this hard time... Heavenly Father answered our prayers and all 6 embryos fertilized.  

Egg Retrieval Surgery- IVF

Last Saturday, I had my egg retrieval surgery.  Strangely, I was kind of looking forward to it, just to get it over with.  It's an out-patient surgery that lasts about 2 hours.  (including recovery)

At night, hubby and I try to kneel down and pray together as a couple before going to bed.  (That's assuming one of us hasn't fallen asleep already- which is usually me.)  When I was praying, I confided to Heavenly Father that I was feeling scared.  And I asked him to bless me with peace and comfort to get through this.   And He did.  I was able to sleep through the night pretty well.

That morning, I had hubby give me a priesthood blessing.  He not only blessed me, but also blessed the doctors, and those that would be working with me.  I felt at peace while driving to the hospital.

FYI- I have a history of being uncooperative with hospitals.  When I was 14 and needed surgery, they had me go into the bathroom to change into a hospital gown.  I locked myself in the bathroom and wouldn't come out.  The poor nurse kept knocking on the door.  "Honey... it there anything I can help you with?"  Nope.   It took them a while to convince me to open that door.   Now, looking back on that, I realized how far behind I must have thrown that doctor's schedule by doing that.  But - oh well.  They had even more trouble trying to get me to cooperate to get the IV in too.  I just get freaked out by needles.

 So now that I'm an adult (or at least pretend to be), I find ways to work around that.  For example, I have them cover up the IV with not just surgical tape, but wrap my hand with a towel or coband.

When they had me go into the bathroom to change into the ugly hospital gown, I had a flashback of my childhood.  I could just lock myself in here again.  As I changed, the words of the church hymn "I Need Thee Every Hour" came into my head.  And I changed them, I prayed in my head that I didn't just need Him every hour, I needed Him right now... to get through this.  I took a deep breath, and went out to face my fate.  My supportive hubby sat in the chair next to me.

The nurse that put my IV in was very compassionate and patient.  She told me I could take a minute.  (Probably because I kept pulling my hand away.)  But eventually, I let them put the IV in.  (But I wouldn't look at it until they covered it up.)

While the nurse was doing the in-take questionnaire, hubby had to leave to go do his part.  (He had to provide semen, so that the embryologist would have fresh sperm to inject into the retrieved eggs.)  He gave me a hug and a kiss before he left.  And I was by myself.

After the paperwork, they had me walk back to the operating room.  I didn't like that.  They had tools on a tray, and I could feel my anxiety rising.  They had me lie on the table and cross my arms on my chest, while they wrapped me tight in a blanket and strapped my legs in.  I felt my body clenching up.  I kept thinking "Knock me out, knock me out!  I don't want to see this!!"

Soon after that, they did.  They put the oxygen mask on, which was good because I think I was starting to breathe harder.  And not much longer after that, I was under.  And it was better.

I woke up later and Devon was beside my bed.  I was sore, but it didn't really hurt too much.  But I was a little nauseous.  But they gave me something for that which helped a lot.  They gave me a prescription for Percocet for when I went home.

Hubby said I slept all the way home.  He helped me to the couch, and I stayed there for the rest of the day.  I ate soup and apple juice all day.  And some noodles for dinner.  I felt so much better after the surgery was over.  I was sore, but since they drained all the fluid from each follicle, the overly bloated/ sick feeling was gone.  And my tummy didn't hurt like it had previously.

So I was glad that surgery was done.  Part 1 - Done.

I have a good dog.  She stayed by my side all day, just to make sure I was okay.  <3

The week leading up to surgery- IVF

The week leading up to the egg retrieval surgery is complicated.  You don't know exactly what day your surgery will be on.  You have a range of dates, and they narrow it down as you get closer based on how you are progressing.

Get used to seeing this every day.

They have you come in every morning for a blood draw and ultrasound.  The blood draw monitors your hormone levels, and the ultrasound measures the size of your follicles.  

I had 10 follicles that were growing well.  There is no exact number that they are looking for, it's case-by-case.

It's tricky because each day you don't know what's going to happen until you get your results.

  You get the blood draw and ultrasound in the morning, then in the afternoon they'll call you with any changes in your medication/ shot dosage.  So things change on a daily basis sometimes.  On Thurs, I got a phone call that told me my surgery was going to be on Saturday morning!   And that I needed to do my trigger shot that night!   One of my shots was supposed to be at 5:30 pm, then my trigger shot was at 7:30 pm.  Then I had another one at 9:30 pm.   (And I found all this out at 3 pm on Thurs.  My hubby usually doesn't get home from his work until 6:00 or 6:30 pm!)   So I had to hurry and contact him to see if he could leave early.  It was kind of rushed.  And crazy.  But were a little late with the first shot, but everything else was on time.  

All those meds in my system made me nauseous.  But I never actually threw up.  I just felt like I was going to.  Towards the end, you just feel bleh.  And REALLY bloated.

And that's normal, because all the extra follicles are filled with fluid.  During your regular cycle, you'll grown and release one egg per month.  During an IVF cycle, you'll be growing multiple eggs.

Cupcakes and butt bruises - IVF

I'm running out of areas to get my shots in.   One of my really sweet co-workers even bought me a cupcake, and wrote on it "I hope your butt feels better soon"!   That was really sweet.

My butt (and tummy) keep getting injections and they really don't like it.  (They told me.)

I'm trying to rotate the shots between the left and right side of my stomach and butt so I don't bruise. Obviously I was unsuccessful last night.  Here's a cropped picture of my butt bruise.

And. . this is why the minion ran away screaming. And I would too if I could.  

That time, something went wrong with one of the shots.   That's how I ended up with a huge bruise on my backside.

After telling my sympathetic sister-in-law about it, she created the hashtag #poorcjsbutt.  That made me laugh.  

Most times, it's not that that big.   I get little circle bruises where the biggest shot goes in.  And next to it, I have little red holes.  The bleed a little bit.  (Hence the need for cool band-aids.)

I was telling my friend about how the bruises don't go away.  She suggested I make them into shapes and patterns.  So then we decided to do constellations.   That would be the easiest thing to do with 4 injections per night.  So this is our attempt at Orion's Belt.  Maybe next time, we'll try for Cassiopeia.  :P

P.S.  Lest you think I'm always this good-humored.  Let me correct you. I am NOT.  From 9-11 pm, it's mental breakdown time.  Some nights I fight it.  Some nights I cry.  On ZERO nights have I been okay with getting these shots.  You just get through it... let the emotions come.  Then deal with it later.  It also helps to have really good friends that can make you laugh.

The Stimulation Phase- growing the follicles. IVF

So... went to the doctor again today.  This whole week I've had a doctor appointment every single day.  They draw my blood to check my hormone levels.   (Which is my least favorite part)  And every day I get an ultra-sound.  See those big black lumps on the screen?  Those are my follicles.   This is the "Stimulation Phase" where I grow big lumps on my ovaries. (on purpose)   Hopefully each follicule will have an egg in it.  And as soon as they get big enough, I'll have the egg retrieval surgery...

For the record, I HATE needles.  And I have been REALLY cooperative thus far.  But it's been a challenge.  I contemplate canceling my appointment probably at least twice a day.  But then I remember I've already come this far, and I don't really want to have to start over.  So I just close my eyes, take deep breaths, and get through it.

Patiently Persevering - One Day At A Time

This picture of a baby surrounded by IVF needles went viral in October.  http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/photo-baby-surrounded-heart-ivf-syringes-viral-article-1.2391628

At first I was one of the ones who shared it on my Facebook page, because it reminded me of what I was trying for.  But then that night, I couldn't sleep.  I really do have a needle phobia.  (Related to a childhood trauma I experienced, and am actively trying to get over.)  I've come a long way... but it still affects me.  And the idea that it would take this many injections to get a baby was overwhelming.  I couldn't sleep.  I started hyperventilating.  I kept thinking that I don't want to do this!!

This quote by D. Todd Christofferson really helped me:

And that's what I had to realize.  It wasn't going to be hundreds of shots.  It was going to be one shot (at first) per day.  Later it went up to four a day.  But it was just that one day.  And that's all I needed to focus on.

At church on Sunday morning, a speaker named Sabrina brought up an interesting point.  We are often told to "Endure to the end", but that can often have a negative connotation.  She liked to think of it as "patiently persevering" to the end goal.

On Sunday night, hubby and I went over to a friend's house for dinner.  We stayed later than anticipated because we got sucked in watching a movie.  So we were driving home around 9:15 pm.  I usually get my shots around 9:30 pm.  But I started getting anxiety on the ride home.  It felt like I was being rushed into it.  And I wasn't ready.

I've learned that if I ice the area before and after, it doesn't hurt so much.  (One of the medications (Menopur) burns when it goes in.)  So when we got home, instead of icing right away,  passive aggressive me curled up in fetal position on the bed and starts looking absent-mindedly at Facebook.  Because in passive-aggressive-land, if I never ice, then I never have to get the shots.

Hubby was really good.  He came in and curled up behind me.  (which we've talked about is what I need when I shut down.)  He tried talking to me.  I wasn't really cooperative.  He just held me.  And eventually I started crying.  Because I don't want to do the shots.  Again.  Same as last night.  Same as the night before.

He tried to complement me and brought up how I was "patiently persevering" through this IVF cycle.   But I wasn't.  I hated every night of it.  During the day I didn't mind it so much, because I don't think about it.  But every night I come close to having a melt-down.  (or I have one.)  Depends on the night.  
Hubby has been very patient with me.  He doesn't do the shots until I'm ready.  He doesn't try to talk me into them.  He just waits until I finally give in.   Sometimes it's just about getting through your trials one day at a time.

During the hard times, I've learned to take it slow.  And just get through life one day at time.

Weird dreams

I woke up last night at 3:30 am from a dead sleep.  I had a dream that I was being stung by scorpions.
 (I think that I was actually sleeping on my stomach, and I was laying on the injection site- which was sore from my 4 shots.)   And I think this was my subconscious trying to say ROLL OVER!  :P

I was going to post about it on Facebook the next morning, because I thought it was kind of an ironic dream.  But that's when I discovered that Arizona had a minor earthquake in the middle of the night.  (Which I slept right through.)  And everybody was posting about that instead!  So... I didn't mention my weird dream.  It wasn't as big of news as the earthquake obviously.  :P