Patiently Persevering - One Day At A Time

This picture of a baby surrounded by IVF needles went viral in October.  http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/photo-baby-surrounded-heart-ivf-syringes-viral-article-1.2391628

At first I was one of the ones who shared it on my Facebook page, because it reminded me of what I was trying for.  But then that night, I couldn't sleep.  I really do have a needle phobia.  (Related to a childhood trauma I experienced, and am actively trying to get over.)  I've come a long way... but it still affects me.  And the idea that it would take this many injections to get a baby was overwhelming.  I couldn't sleep.  I started hyperventilating.  I kept thinking that I don't want to do this!!

This quote by D. Todd Christofferson really helped me:

And that's what I had to realize.  It wasn't going to be hundreds of shots.  It was going to be one shot (at first) per day.  Later it went up to four a day.  But it was just that one day.  And that's all I needed to focus on.

At church on Sunday morning, a speaker named Sabrina brought up an interesting point.  We are often told to "Endure to the end", but that can often have a negative connotation.  She liked to think of it as "patiently persevering" to the end goal.

On Sunday night, hubby and I went over to a friend's house for dinner.  We stayed later than anticipated because we got sucked in watching a movie.  So we were driving home around 9:15 pm.  I usually get my shots around 9:30 pm.  But I started getting anxiety on the ride home.  It felt like I was being rushed into it.  And I wasn't ready.

I've learned that if I ice the area before and after, it doesn't hurt so much.  (One of the medications (Menopur) burns when it goes in.)  So when we got home, instead of icing right away,  passive aggressive me curled up in fetal position on the bed and starts looking absent-mindedly at Facebook.  Because in passive-aggressive-land, if I never ice, then I never have to get the shots.

Hubby was really good.  He came in and curled up behind me.  (which we've talked about is what I need when I shut down.)  He tried talking to me.  I wasn't really cooperative.  He just held me.  And eventually I started crying.  Because I don't want to do the shots.  Again.  Same as last night.  Same as the night before.

He tried to complement me and brought up how I was "patiently persevering" through this IVF cycle.   But I wasn't.  I hated every night of it.  During the day I didn't mind it so much, because I don't think about it.  But every night I come close to having a melt-down.  (or I have one.)  Depends on the night.  
Hubby has been very patient with me.  He doesn't do the shots until I'm ready.  He doesn't try to talk me into them.  He just waits until I finally give in.   Sometimes it's just about getting through your trials one day at a time.

During the hard times, I've learned to take it slow.  And just get through life one day at time.

Weird dreams

I woke up last night at 3:30 am from a dead sleep.  I had a dream that I was being stung by scorpions.
 (I think that I was actually sleeping on my stomach, and I was laying on the injection site- which was sore from my 4 shots.)   And I think this was my subconscious trying to say ROLL OVER!  :P

I was going to post about it on Facebook the next morning, because I thought it was kind of an ironic dream.  But that's when I discovered that Arizona had a minor earthquake in the middle of the night.  (Which I slept right through.)  And everybody was posting about that instead!  So... I didn't mention my weird dream.  It wasn't as big of news as the earthquake obviously.  :P

Doing shots and drugs

When I tell people I am doing shots and drugs, I wonder what they think.  And if they think of "doing shots and drugs' as something a dumb college kid would do.  That's not the kind I do.  I have so many pills to take through-out the day, I had to get one of those pill dividers.  And my drugs are listed on an excel spreadsheet, so I can cross them off each day.

And who doesn't want their very own home sharps container??  (Sarcasm)  Tonight (Oct 30th) is my first of many shots for an IVF cycle.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared/ nervous/ anxious.  We've had several unsuccessful IUI's in the past.  Maybe this time will be different.  If not, at least I'll be able to finish our home study application for adoption.

Praying for answers- the path to follow

I spent the summer trying to decide if I should to In Vitro Fertilization or continue with the adoption process.

I had been praying for a while what to do.  And I came across this quote:

"The path to be followed may not always be clear at once. Pray for light; do not decide too quickly, listen to what others have to say, consider their reasons. You will always find something to help you. … Guided by faith, by prayer, and by reason with a right intention, you have enough."

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2015/05/sunday-morning-session/returning-to-faith?lang=eng

So I decided to go in for an IVF Consult.  Just to get some more information.

Bitter Cup

This quote got me through the summer of 2015.

I kept a screenshot of it on my computer.  

Tests, tests, and more tests. And I failed them all.

This was the test I was the most scared of. The HSG Test.  They shoot dye up through your Fallopian tubes.  And guess what- one of mine was blocked.  (But the doctor said he could probably unblock it doing surgery.)

Before one of the tests (the sonohystogram), I was just hysterical.  I was shaking and crying so hard.   The medical assistant asked me "Are you more afraid of the procedure or find out the results of the procedure?"   Yes.

It's hard to be told you're broken.  It's hard to want something so badly, and then month after month be denied it.

Fall 2014-  Finally decided to see an infertility specialist.  Lots of tears and fears revolving around that one.  I needed to get a priesthood blessing (a special prayer) from my hubby to even go to the consult.  And we were just talking.  But that terrified me.   Learned about all kinds of tests.  NONE of which I was looking forward to getting done.

Transvaginal Ultrasound-  I was crying before I was even in the office.  I had one before.  But it turns out those weren’t quite as uncomfortable as they were before I got married.    Discovered my right ovary is “Charismatic” .   But my left ovary was “uncooperative”.  (no big surprise there.)  That’s kind of like my personality.  I’m either very likeable and charismatic, or I’m uncooperative.

Sonohystogram-  involves shooting up your uterus with saline solution to get it to contract.   Discovered that I had fibroids in my uterus.  (Making an obstacle course for the sperm to get side-tracked on.  I imagined it kind of like a skate park.)  Hubby's sperm are too busy playing around to meet the ladies.  But the doctor said he could do a surgery to take care of those too.

HSG test- This was the test I was the most scared of. The HSG Test.  They shoot dye up through your Fallopian tubes.  And guess what- one of mine was blocked.  (But the doctor said he could probably unblock it doing surgery.)  
I was too worked up about this one to even try it without medication.  (Because it was supposed to be painful.)  I had the doctor call in an anxiety medication for me.  And with that anxiety medication, this procedure was a breeze.     I learned that my left Fallopian tube was blocked.  Go figure.  My left side is consistent at least in being “uncooperative.”  (Besides, when I have my periods, every other month I have a really bad one- and my left side always hurts the worse.)

Sperm Analysis Test.  Awkward all around.   Because we live close to the doctor’s office, we were allowed to do this one at home.  They needed his semen to test his sperm.   So it’s all the trouble of timed intercourse, with the added pressure for the guy of having to perform.  (and you’re not allowed to use any lubricants.)  And for the girl, you get turned on too… ready to have sex.  But then he has to ejaculate into a cup.  And you just get left sexually frustrated.   (This one gets taken up a level once we started the IUI’s.  But more on that to come.)

Background Story:

How do you express the deepest pains of your heart?    Sometimes my words and emotions are so jumbled, I can’t talk or write.  I can’t even think straight.  I have to wait until the tidal wave of emotion has receded.  But by then, I don’t want to write it down because I don’t want to relive it.   (Even though I know it’s cathartic to get out these emotions trapped inside me.)

Our experience:
Got married Nov 2013. 

I already knew I’d probably have issues getting pregnant because I have endometriosis.  About 10 years ago, I had a surgery called a laparoscopy which cleaned it out the endometriosis, and helped control the pain.  (But it can grow back.)  I’ve grown and ruptured at least 2 cysts on my ovaries in my lifetime.  (Most painful, writhing experiences of my life thus far.)  So even before we got married, my husband I had discussed adoption – and we’re both open to it.  (Knowing my situation.)   But I still wanted to try.

I found out that if you are under age 35, you have to actively be trying to get pregnant for 1 full year before they will treat you for infertility.  If you are over age 35 (which I am), you only have to be trying for 6 months.   So... for the first year... we just tried the normal way.  And we weren't getting pregnant.   Although this wasn't a total surprise to me, I would still get my hopes up each month.  Every time I would feel nauseous, I would get excited thinking maybe I was pregnant.  Maybe this was our time.  I became a pregnancy hypochondriac.  Every time I got a little sick, I thought I could be pregnant.  But... nope.

I wouldn't make future plans because what if I was pregnant?  My parents invited us on a family trip almost 2 years in advance (because they had to reserve a timeshare condo.)  I was hesitant to commit.  What if I had a kid by then??  My dad said I could bring the kid.  So I said we would join them.  (and that trip has come and gone since then.)

People can be naïve and insensitive.  This happens to anyone struggling with infertility.   At church, I am in charge of the nursery.   One time, I was walking down the hall carrying a toddler back to his parents.  One lady (who meant well) asked me “When are you going to have some of your own?”  I was honest and maybe a little smart aleky when I replied “whenever God wants to give me one.”  I handled it well at the time, but later I came home and cried about it.  Even now it still hurts a little bit to remember that.  (and the other comments similar to that.)

The past couple years has been quite the emotional roller coaster ride.

Summer 2014- We tried ovulation kits.  (which I like to call "Pee on a Stick" kits.)  You pee on these sticks to find out when you are ovulating.  Then you look at this graph, and figure out when to have timed intercourse.  Then later, you pee on a different stick to see if you're pregnant.

We tried Timed Intercourse.  Um... yeah.  Neither hubby nor I do well with timed intercourse.    It's guaranteed that if we HAVE to have sex on a certain day/ time, then I can guarantee that one of us won't be in the mood, won't feel good, or we'll have just had a fight.  That's kind of our tradition with timed intercourse.  And guess what... you get to do it anyway.  Because you both know the big picture, and you both really want to get a baby.  But it's not enjoyable.  You just do it because you have to.  And it sucks the next month when you get your period just like you always do.

Fall 2014- Finally got the courage up to go see an infertility specialist.  There were lots of tears and fears revolving around that one.  I needed to get a priesthood blessing* from my husband to even go to the consult.  And that was just talking.  But that terrified me.  I learned about all kinds of tests that the doctor wanted to do.  NONE of which I wanted to do.  All of which I got to do.  

(*A priesthood blessing is a special prayer of comfort that I requested.  Here's a better explanation:  https://www.lds.org/youth/article/importance-of-priesthood-blessings?lang=eng )