My hubby and I just completed our adoption home study. To put it simply, it was a challenge. And it was a LOT of work. Pages and pages of applications, attending a full-day adoption orientation, getting CPS clearance, not to mention getting the house ready.
It was hard for me to stay motivated to do all this work for a vague end goal. I just had to keep telling myself to just get the home study done so you can be at the starting line. And then whatever happens, happens. A lot of my hold up was a future fear of rejection. What if we never get picked? What if we do all this work for nothing? But I just had to keep moving forward.
It took a while to get everything ready. We had to make trips to the courthouse to gather "certified copies" of official legal documents. (Because the copies we had weren't good enough. We needed to pay $28 to get an embossed stamp on it.) We had to make copies of our financial records. Show our budget and income. (Which makes me feel inadequate- what if a judge decides our income isn't good enough?). We had to go to the doctor to get physicals and list all our surgeries, diagnoses, and medications. (I understand that you want to know if a person has a terminal illness, but it still felt really invasive.) We had to get fingerprinted and do background checks. (This one I totally was fine with.) We had to fill out a 17 page essay questionnaire about anything and everything related to us, our past, and our future.
We had to physically get the house ready for inspection. Lots of cleaning and organizing. I had several friends who helped me get ready. We had to make sure the dogs were on their best behavior and stayed clean. (A challenge for Chewy.) We didn't even barely live in our house the last few days before the home study, because the house was clean, and I wanted it to stay clean. So we mainly got take-out for dinner. It was a lot of work getting the house ready for the home study inspection. We had to re-arrange a lot of things. We now have magnetic child safety locks on our cupboards. Obviously, all our chemicals and cleaning supplies had to be locked up. But what about shampoo? It that a safety concern? What about Epson Salts? Its that a safety concern? There's a long list of things to do to get your house ready. (Besides cleaning) I now have drawn a blue print of our house showing how to evacuate in case of a fire. (Considering it's only a 2 bedroom house, it's not a very complex drawing!)
It was really hard emotionally coming up with answers for 17 pages worth of essays we had to write about our childhood, our lives, our futures, our preferences for what kind of child we want to adopt. Figuring out our future discipline styles, and goals for our child. Well, I know from friends and family that different children require different discipling styles. And does any parent know this stuff before they start? Or do you just figure it out along the way? Try something, and if it doesn't work, try something else? We had to talk about a will. They wanted to know what I will do if my husband dies? What will he do if I die? Who will get the children if we both die? What's our motivation for adopting? There were questions about our siblings, our parents, our physical features (height, weight, eye color, hair color), work history, psychological profiles, our home, our neighborhood, our nearby schools.... it felt like our entire lives were being scrutinized under a microscope. And we were being watched and analyzed to see if we were deemed good enough to have a child.
(Which drives my husband crazy considering all the horrible abusive parents he encounters in his job at the hospital.) He struggles to know why we have to jump through all these hoops to be evaluated, when he sees so many drug-addicted and/or physically abusive people that have babies/kids. My answer was always the same.... "I don't know."
And overall, it was just intimidating. Hubby and I had to do combined and individual interviews with the social worker. Even though our social worker was super nice, it was still intimidating. It felt like a really big job interview.
What if we said something wrong? It feels like our whole future depends on the outcome of this home study. (Which is kind of true.) What if we did or said something that made the judge not like us? The social worker wanted to know about our relationship, and if we have ever considered divorce. She wanted to know our backgrounds, and why we wanted to have kids. (Doesn't the fact alone that I'm jumping through all these hoops prove how badly I want a kid?) I mean- words are inadequate. Why do I want a kid? Cuz I do? I don't know how to explain it. It's just something inside of me. And I feel dumb when I can't put words to the deep feelings I have. And I hate answering questions on the spot. I'm not good at it. If it's not a trivia question with a one-word answer, then I need time to think about and contemplate my answers. (After she had left, I came up with some very good answers to some of her questions.)
Some of our friends and family had to write letters of reference for us. Some of our friends and family had to fill out a confidential questionnaire that went straight to the judge. It wanted to know what our biggest strengths are, and also what our biggest weaknesses are. I had give the social worker the names and email addresses of some long-time friends and family members to do this. They know us a little too well. They know some of our biggest weaknesses, struggles, and challenges. I questioned if maybe I should have given the questionnaire to some good friends who didn't know us quite so well. Maybe I should have given it to someone I only know through church, and who hadn't been there when hubby and I have had a fight. Or that didn't know me in the years I struggled after high school. I felt very exposed and vulnerable.
But in the end, I just kept telling myself that whatever was supposed to happen will happen. And as long as I'm doing the best I can, that's all I can do. And turn it over to the Lord. Make it His problem, not mine.
We passed our home study inspection, and finished the interviews. So now a judge has 90 days to review our home study application and documents. Then we'll get a letter in the mail saying we are legally certified to adopt. And in reality, I'm not worried about getting certified. Neither hubby nor I have criminal backgrounds. We're just regular, good people that have regular people problems. We fight sometimes. We're two different people with two different backgrounds and opinions. But the important part is that both of us are committed to this relationship and finding a way to work through our problems.
And if I hadn't have had the rough years in high school/ college, I would not have grown into the person I have become. I would not have the strong sense of empathy that I have developed. It is because of my trials that I am who I am. So- hopefully that becomes apparent to a judge who is just reading it on paper and doesn't actually know us in person.
