Tonight, I met up with a group of friends. A long time friend of mine announced that she's pregnant. She's expecting a little girl. It came as a shock. She said it was unexpected, and called it an "Oops baby". And I think because she's close to me, it hurts more. I came home, and my husband could tell something was off. So I told him about it. He asked how I was feeling. I replied "angry sad". And my eyes welled up with tears. And I felt very tired of this struggle. Mentally tired and physically tired. Like I could go to sleep right then. (And it was only 8:00 pm)
My dog Jasmine is really sweet. She senses when I am sad, and always comes close to me. Reaching out to stroke her fur forces me to stop starting absent off into the distance. She helps me to focus on the present. She is there to comfort me.
My husband sat beside me and tries to be comforting, but doesn't really know the words to say. But it's nice that he's there and he tries.
Why is it so easy when you are young? I feel like my friend and I are the same age. (Although she is in her mid-20's, and I just turned 40). It's times like these that it becomes painfully obvious how different we are. But then again, who's to say I wouldn't have had infertility problems when I was in my 20's. I had endometriosis back then too. But now I have that and "advanced maternal age". My whole life, age never used to bother me. It was always just a number that didn't mean much to me. Up until now when I feel like I am being punished for being the age I am, and not marrying younger.
But then I have to remember that it didn't feel right to get married before now. I had never dated the right guy. So this is the age I was supposed to get married, because this was the age I was when we met. I just have to keep focusing on the big picture. I am where I am for a reason. And everyone's life is their unique story. This is mine.
