The title is:
Knowing When to Persevere and When to Change Direction
by Janet G. Lee
Here's the link: https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/janet-g-lee_knowing-persevere-change-direction/
I think everyone should read this. It literally applies to everyone. Not just me... trying to navigate the infertility/ adoption path.
It talks about what to do when thinks don't happen the way you want them to. Janet shares a cute story about her kindergardener who was asked to pick her favorite color of crayon and write her name. She froze, and didn't do anything... even though her mom knew she could write her name. Later, she told her mom they didn't have her favorite color crayon, so she couldn't do what the teacher asked.
So- because we aren't given the choice we desire, we are frozen. And sometimes don't do anything to progress or move forward.
Here's what Janet said: As hard as it sometimes is to understand, stumbling blocks are essential to our progression.
Remember what the Lord said: “If thou art called to pass through [some] tribulation . . . know . . . that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good” (D&C 122:5–7).
(Totally relates to me.) Once I work through that enough to decide to pick a different colored crayon, then I get paralyzed by "what if I make the wrong choice?" I get frozen by indecision.
This video has my answers:
So that is comforting to know that Heavenly Father won't let me go down the wrong road for long. And also that I will know for sure that was the wrong road. (So I'll know the right road when I find it.)
Another stumbling block to my adoption progress is fear:
So many fears.
Fear of rejection: What if the birth mom doesn't pick me. Having gotten married later in life, and having other relationships not work out, this can be a hard thing for me. Dealing with rejection. Or even worse- not even given a chance to get rejected, because of someone not even getting to know me well enough to reject me.
I have to remind myself that I didn't just settle for anyone when I got married. I waited until the right guy came along to marry. My match. Those other relationships that didn't work out weren't right for me. And I know that in my head. When I think about all the other guys I knew before, and I think about my husband now... he's the best fit for me. I made that choice.
So I need to get that fear out of my head. But the "being picked last for the basketball team" is a legitimate fear for me. Also the "not getting picked at all"- even though they don't even know me is my other fear. (relating to dating, adoption, etc.)
When people do get to know me, they are able to recognize my positive attributes. That I am a patient, encouraging, positive person. And I actually have proof that I have developed these talents.
I grew up thinking I didn't have any talents. But later in life, I realized my talents were not something I could easily showcase. Once I got my dog Jasmine, those talents started to manifest. Through positive reinforcement training (which uses all of the skills/ talents I already have developed)... I learned how to teach my dog to do amazing tricks. And she LOVES to do them. We both flourished. Now my dog has her own YouTube channel which has her dog trick videos that I have made. And they are very popular on YouTube. Some of her videos have over a million views. We have been on national TV many times showing people her dog tricks. She brings a smile and joy to so many people, and has friends all over the world who write to me about Jasmine.
And she has given me a way to serve others by using those talents. I got her certified as a therapy dog, and for years we went weekly to a children's hospital to meet with the kids who are patients there. We went room to room individually meeting with the kids and performing little trick show for them. They loved it, and Jasmine loved the attention and treats. And I found great joy and fulfillment through serving others. Everybody wins.
So... long story short... I have to remind myself that once someone gets to truly know me, they will see those good qualities. And light attracts light. So, if they have light, they will want to be around me and my light. And I won't be rejected.
They may not feel like I would be the best fit for their child, but that doesn't mean I am not a good person. That's because we are all different. And like my friend said "there's a lid for every pot". We're all different, and even in getting married later... I had to wait for the right lid to my pot.
Something else I fear/ wonder about: is the "am I supposed to have kids" question. All of my friends from high school are done having kids. One of my friends just had her oldest kid graduate from high school, and move out. So she is done raising one of her kids. And I haven't even started. That makes me question things. The majority of people at church and at work that have kids are in their 20s and 30's. I would be starting after 40. This concerns me because that means (assuming I get a baby soon)... that when I am 60, my kid will only be 20. When I am 80, my kid will only be 40. And sometime less that 20 years after that, I will be dead. And I can't image only being 40 or 50 years old and losing my mom. (When you're young, 40 and 50 sounds old. Now that I am 40, it doesn't seem old at all. I barely feel like I am starting to figure life out.)
I had a friend who posted a funny video on Facebook of her singing that it's time to get her mammogram. She graduated college at the same time as me. She got married, had some kids, has been through a divorce, got a better job, and now has met a really nice guy who she is happy with. We're around the same age. But I feel like she is a lot older than me. Or at least had a lot more life experience. (And not that I would ever want to trade trials in life.) But we are at different stages of life. But in regards to kids, she's at the finish line, and I'm at the starting line.
So I wonder if I should even have kids. Knowing all this. Or if I should just be content with being a fun aunt, and being friendly to the kids at church. (I have lots of little buddies in church who like me.) (Probably because I always have toys or coloring books in my purse.) For years, I have brought a bag full of kids' toys, books, etc. to church to help out with other people's kids. Because you know that kids always like someone else's stuff better than your own. This helps give the parents a break, it keeps the kids quiet so people can hear the speaker and feel the spirit at church, and honestly I really enjoy doing it. It makes me feel needed, and liked.
So.... I was praying about it for a while... if I should even have kids. And the thought came into my head "Do you want kids?" I had to think about that. Am I doing it just because it's what everyone else is doing? Or do I really want to have kids? And the answer is yes. I do. So...then the answer was to stop comparing my situation to everyone else. I still have a lot of love to give, and some child needs that.
Back to the talk from Janet Lee:
One quote that really stood out to me was:
Elder Richard G. Scott wisely instructed in the October 1991 general conference:
Trust [the Lord], even when in eternal perspective it temporarily hurts very much. Have patience when you are asked to wait when you want immediate action. . . . The path you are to walk through life may be very different from others. You may not always know why He does what He does, but you can know that He is perfectly just and perfectly merciful. [“Obtaining Help from the Lord,” Ensign, November 1991, p. 86]
There's my answer right there. "The path you are to walk through life may be very different from others." - Richard G. Scott
Welcome to my life.
It's always been different from others. Sometimes by choice and sometimes by circumstance. But it's my path.
The last part of this talk by Janet Lee that stood out to me was this:
My choice would not have been to experience what was given me to do, yet, as a result, each day is filled with deeper meaning, greater understanding, and new insights. If I could trade it all back now and take the challenges away, I would do so in a minute. I don’t like the fact that my husband has cancer. It is definitely a deviation from the life I had in mind for us. But if I could turn back the clock, would I also have to trade in what I have learned? I wouldn’t want to give that part back. Always having our first choice might mean giving up unknown benefits. As Emerson said, “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else” (Essays: First Series [1841], “Compensation”).
That is something I feel. I wouldn't want to go back, because I am not the same person I was before. I have a stronger sense of empathy for others. I have a unique ability to relate and understand the struggles of those going through infertility. And although it's fairly common, not many people talk about it. So people feel isolated. So I am able to connect with those types of individuals. But in a broader sense, I believe it has made me more empathetic to others as well. I have a deeper connection to Heavenly Father and a love for all his children. So, no, I wouldn't give that back. I'm finally at the point where I know my strengths and I know my struggles. And I know how to use both of those to help people.
Do I still wish my circumstances were different? A little. But that doesn't change anything. Do I wish it wasn't so hard at times? Yes. But I recognize that by going through these difficult circumstances, I have grown really deep roots. (Like a tree that goes through a lot of storms.)
And in general, life isn't always hard. Life is good. There are definitely some hard, rocky times to get through. But with or without kids, I am trying my best to live a good life. To make a difference in the world around me. To show kindness and love to those I meet. And to spread happiness by caring about others.
Maybe that's my purpose in life. With or without kids. We'll see.
