Adoption Home Study update

This is my adorable little nephew.  He just turned 3 years old.  His favorite quote is currently "Can I wanna have this?"  So that's what I say now too.

My hubby and I just completed our adoption home study.  To put it simply, it was a challenge.    And it was a LOT of work.  Pages and pages of applications, attending a full-day adoption orientation, getting CPS clearance, not to mention getting the house ready.

It was hard for me to stay motivated to do all this work for a vague end goal.  I just had to keep telling myself to just get the home study done so you can be at the starting line.  And then whatever happens, happens.  A lot of my hold up was a future fear of rejection.  What if we never get picked?  What if we do all this work for nothing?  But I just had to keep moving forward.

 It took a while to get everything ready.   We had to make trips to the courthouse to gather "certified copies" of official legal documents.   (Because the copies we had weren't good enough.  We needed to pay $28 to get an embossed stamp on it.)  We had to make copies of our financial records.  Show our budget and income.  (Which makes me feel inadequate- what if a judge decides our income isn't good enough?).  We had to go to the doctor to get physicals and list all our surgeries, diagnoses, and medications.  (I understand that you want to know if a person has a terminal illness, but it still felt really invasive.)  We had to get fingerprinted and do background checks.  (This one I totally was fine with.)  We had to fill out a 17 page essay questionnaire about anything and everything related to us, our past, and our future.

We had to physically get the house ready for inspection.  Lots of cleaning and organizing.  I had several friends who helped me get ready.  We had to make sure the dogs were on their best behavior and stayed clean.  (A challenge for Chewy.)  We didn't even barely live in our house the last few days before the home study, because the house was clean, and I wanted it to stay clean.  So we mainly got take-out for dinner.  It was a lot of work getting the house ready for the home study inspection.  We had to re-arrange a lot of things.  We now have magnetic child safety locks on our cupboards.  Obviously, all our chemicals and cleaning supplies had to be locked up.  But what about shampoo?  It that a safety concern?  What about Epson Salts?  Its that a safety concern?  There's a long list of things to do to get your house ready.  (Besides cleaning)  I now have drawn a blue print of our house showing how to evacuate in case of a fire.  (Considering it's only a 2 bedroom house, it's not a very complex drawing!)

It was really hard emotionally coming up with answers for  17 pages worth of essays we had to write about our childhood, our lives, our futures, our preferences for what kind of child we want to adopt.  Figuring out our future discipline styles, and goals for our child.  Well, I know from friends and family that different children require different discipling styles.  And does any parent know this stuff before they start?  Or do you just figure it out along the way?  Try something, and if it doesn't work, try something else?  We had to talk about a will.  They wanted to know what I will do if my husband dies?  What will he do if I die?  Who will get the children if we both die?   What's our motivation for adopting?  There were questions about our siblings, our parents, our physical features (height, weight, eye color, hair color), work history, psychological profiles, our home, our neighborhood, our nearby schools.... it felt like our entire lives were being scrutinized under a microscope.  And we were being watched and analyzed to see if we were deemed good enough to have a child.

(Which drives my husband crazy considering all the horrible abusive parents he encounters in his job at the hospital.)  He struggles to know why we have to jump through all these hoops to be evaluated, when he sees so many drug-addicted and/or physically abusive people that have babies/kids.   My answer was always the same.... "I don't know."

  And overall, it was just intimidating.  Hubby and I had to do combined and individual interviews with the social worker.  Even though our social worker was super nice, it was still intimidating.  It felt like a really big job interview.

 What if we said something wrong?  It feels like our whole future depends on the outcome of this home study.  (Which is kind of true.)  What if we did or said something that made the judge not like us?  The social worker wanted to know about our relationship, and if we have ever considered divorce.  She wanted to know our backgrounds, and why we wanted to have kids.   (Doesn't the fact alone that I'm jumping through all these hoops prove how badly I want a kid?)  I mean- words are inadequate.  Why do I want a kid?  Cuz I do?  I don't know how to explain it.  It's just something inside of me.  And I feel dumb when I can't put words to the deep feelings I have.  And I hate answering questions on the spot.  I'm not good at it.  If it's not a trivia question with a one-word answer, then  I need time to think about and contemplate my answers.  (After she had left, I came up with some very good answers to some of her questions.)

Some of our friends and family had to write letters of reference for us.  Some of our friends and family had to fill out a confidential questionnaire that went straight to the judge.  It wanted to know what our biggest strengths are, and also what our biggest weaknesses are.  I had give the social worker the names and email addresses of some long-time friends and family members to do this.  They know us a little too well.  They know some of our biggest weaknesses, struggles, and challenges.  I questioned if maybe I should have given the questionnaire to some good friends who didn't know us quite so well.  Maybe I should have given it to someone I only know through church, and who hadn't been there when hubby and I have had a fight.  Or that didn't know me in the years I struggled after high school.  I felt very exposed and vulnerable.

But in the end, I just kept telling myself that whatever was supposed to happen will happen.  And as long as I'm doing the best I can, that's all I can do.  And turn it over to the Lord.  Make it His problem, not mine.

We passed our home study inspection, and finished the interviews.  So now a judge has 90 days to review our home study application and documents.  Then we'll get a letter in the mail saying we are legally certified to adopt.  And in reality, I'm not worried about getting certified.  Neither hubby nor I have criminal backgrounds.  We're just regular, good people that have regular people problems.  We fight sometimes.  We're two different people with two different backgrounds and opinions.  But the important part is that both of us are committed to this relationship and finding a way to work through our problems.

  And if I hadn't have had the rough years in high school/ college, I would not have grown into the person I have become.  I would not have the strong sense of empathy that I have developed.  It is because of my trials that I am who I am.  So- hopefully that becomes apparent to a judge who is just reading it on paper and doesn't actually know us in person.

Another friend is pregnant.

Infertility.  I'd like to say that it doesn't bother me anymore.  It's definitely gotten better.  But it still hurts from time to time.

Tonight, I met up with a group of friends.  A long time friend of mine announced that she's pregnant.  She's expecting a little girl.  It came as a shock.  She said it was unexpected, and called it an "Oops baby".  And I think because she's close to me, it hurts more.   I came home, and my husband could tell something was off.  So I told him about it.  He asked how I was feeling.  I replied "angry sad".  And my eyes welled up with tears.  And I felt very tired of this struggle.  Mentally tired and physically tired.  Like I could go to sleep right then.  (And it was only 8:00 pm)

My dog Jasmine is really sweet.  She senses when I am sad, and always comes close to me.  Reaching out to stroke her fur forces me to stop starting absent off into the distance.  She helps me to focus on the present.  She is there to comfort me.  

My husband sat beside me and tries to be comforting, but doesn't really know the words to say.  But it's nice that he's there and he tries.

Why is it so easy when you are young?  I feel like my friend and I are the same age.  (Although she is in her mid-20's, and I just turned 40).  It's times like these that it becomes painfully obvious how different we are.  But then again, who's to say I wouldn't have had infertility problems when I was in my 20's.  I had endometriosis back then too.  But now I have that and "advanced maternal age".  My whole life, age never used to bother me.  It was always just a number that didn't mean much to me.  Up until now when I feel like I am being punished for being the age I am, and not marrying younger.  
But then I have to remember that it didn't feel right to get married before now.  I had never dated the right guy.  So this is the age I was supposed to get married, because this was the age I was when we met.  I just have to keep focusing on the big picture.  I am where I am for a reason.  And everyone's life is their unique story.  This is mine.

All of my fears, and what I have learned.

I found a fantastic talk that I want to document so I remember it later. (I just tried to print it, but my printer ran out of ink on the 3rd page!)  But documenting it here is better because then it's with all my other infertility stuff, and I'll always be able to find it.

The title is: 
Knowing When to Persevere and When to Change Direction 
by Janet G. Lee
Here's the link:  https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/janet-g-lee_knowing-persevere-change-direction/

I think everyone should read this.  It literally applies to everyone.  Not just me... trying to navigate the infertility/ adoption path.

It talks about what to do when thinks don't happen the way you want them to.  Janet shares a cute story about her kindergardener who was asked to pick her favorite color of crayon and write her name.  She froze, and didn't do anything... even though her mom knew she could write her name.  Later, she told her mom they didn't have her favorite color crayon, so she couldn't do what the teacher asked.

So- because we aren't given the choice we desire, we are frozen.  And sometimes don't do anything to progress or move forward. 

Here's what Janet said:  As hard as it sometimes is to understand, stumbling blocks are essential to our progression.

Remember what the Lord said: “If thou art called to pass through [some] tribulation . . . know . . . that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good” (D&C 122:5–7).

 (Totally relates to me.)  Once I work through that enough to decide to pick a different colored crayon, then I get paralyzed by "what if I make the wrong choice?"  I get frozen by indecision.

This video has my answers:  

So that is comforting to know that Heavenly Father won't let me go down the wrong road for long.  And also that I will know for sure that was the wrong road.  (So I'll know the right road when I find it.)  

Another stumbling block to my adoption progress is fear:

So many fears.

Fear of rejection:  What if the birth mom doesn't pick me.  Having gotten married later in life, and having other relationships not work out, this can be a hard thing for me.  Dealing with rejection.  Or even worse- not even given a chance to get rejected, because of someone not even getting to know me well enough to reject me.

I have to remind myself that I didn't just settle for anyone when I got married.  I waited until the right guy came along to marry.  My match.  Those other relationships that didn't work out weren't right for me.  And I know that in my head.  When I think about all the other guys I knew before, and I think about my husband now... he's the best fit for me.  I made that choice.

So I need to get that fear out of my head.  But the "being picked last for the basketball team" is a legitimate fear for me.  Also the "not getting picked at all"- even though they don't even know me is my other fear.  (relating to dating, adoption, etc.)  

When people do get to know me, they are able to recognize my positive attributes.  That I am a patient, encouraging, positive person.  And I actually have proof that I have developed these talents.  

I grew up thinking I didn't have any talents.  But later in life, I realized my talents were not something I could easily showcase.  Once I got my dog Jasmine, those talents started to manifest.  Through positive reinforcement training (which uses all of the skills/ talents I already have developed)... I learned how to teach my dog to do amazing tricks.  And she LOVES to do them.  We both flourished.  Now my dog has her own YouTube channel which has her dog trick videos that I have made.   And they are very popular on YouTube.  Some of her videos have over a million views.  We have been on national TV many times showing people her dog tricks.  She brings a smile and joy to so many people, and has friends all over the world who write to me about Jasmine.

And she has given me a way to serve others by using those talents.  I got her certified as a therapy dog, and for years we went weekly to a children's hospital to meet with the kids who are patients there.  We went room to room individually meeting with the kids and performing little trick show for them.  They loved it, and Jasmine loved the attention and treats.  And I found great joy and fulfillment through serving others.  Everybody wins.

So... long story short... I have to remind myself that once someone gets to truly know me, they will see those good qualities.  And light attracts light.  So, if they have light, they will want to be around me and my light.  And I won't be rejected.

They may not feel like I would be the best fit for their child, but that doesn't mean I am not a good person.  That's because we are all different.  And like my friend said "there's a lid for every pot".  We're all different, and even in getting married later... I had to wait for the right lid to my pot.

Something else I fear/ wonder about:  is the "am I supposed to have kids" question.  All of my friends from high school are done having kids.  One of my friends just had her oldest kid graduate from high school, and move out.  So she is done raising one of her kids.  And I haven't even started.  That makes me question things.  The majority of people at church and at work that have kids are in their 20s and 30's.  I would be starting after 40.  This concerns me because that means (assuming I get a baby soon)... that when I am 60, my kid will only be 20.  When I am 80, my kid will only be 40.  And sometime less that 20 years after that, I will be dead.  And I can't image only being 40 or 50 years old and losing my mom.  (When you're young, 40 and 50 sounds old. Now that I am 40, it doesn't seem old at all.  I barely feel like I am starting to figure life out.)  

I had a friend who posted a funny video on Facebook of her singing that it's time to get her mammogram.  She graduated college at the same time as me.  She got married, had some kids, has been through a divorce, got a better job, and now has met a really nice guy who she is happy with.  We're around the same age.  But I feel like she is a lot older than me.  Or at least had a lot more life experience.  (And not that I would ever want to trade trials in life.)  But we are at different stages of life.  But in regards to kids, she's at the finish line, and I'm at the starting line.   

So I wonder if I should even have kids.   Knowing all this.  Or if I should just be content with being a fun aunt, and being friendly to the kids at church.  (I have lots of little buddies in church who like me.)  (Probably because I always have toys or coloring books in my purse.)  For years, I have brought a bag full of kids' toys, books, etc. to church to help out with other people's kids.  Because you know that kids always like someone else's stuff better than your own.  This helps give the parents a break, it keeps the kids quiet so people can hear the speaker and feel the spirit at church, and honestly I really enjoy doing it.  It makes me feel needed, and liked.

So....  I was praying about it for a while... if I should even have kids.  And the thought came into my head "Do you want kids?"   I had to think about that.  Am I doing it just because it's what everyone else is doing?  Or do I really want to have kids?  And the answer is yes.  I do.   So...then the answer was to stop comparing my situation to everyone else.  I still have a lot of love to give, and some child needs that.

Back to the talk from Janet Lee:

One quote that really stood out to me was: 

Elder Richard G. Scott wisely instructed in the October 1991 general conference:

Trust [the Lord], even when in eternal perspective it temporarily hurts very much. Have patience when you are asked to wait when you want immediate action. . . . The path you are to walk through life may be very different from others. You may not always know why He does what He does, but you can know that He is perfectly just and perfectly merciful. [“Obtaining Help from the Lord,” Ensign, November 1991, p. 86]

There's my answer right there.  "The path you are to walk through life may be very different from others."   - Richard G. Scott

Welcome to my life.

It's always been different from others.  Sometimes by choice and sometimes by circumstance.  But it's my path.

The last part of this talk by Janet Lee that stood out to me was this:

My choice would not have been to experience what was given me to do, yet, as a result, each day is filled with deeper meaning, greater understanding, and new insights. If I could trade it all back now and take the challenges away, I would do so in a minute. I don’t like the fact that my husband has cancer. It is definitely a deviation from the life I had in mind for us. But if I could turn back the clock, would I also have to trade in what I have learned? I wouldn’t want to give that part back. Always having our first choice might mean giving up unknown benefits. As Emerson said, “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else” (Essays: First Series [1841], “Compensation”).

That is something I feel.  I wouldn't want to go back, because I am not the same person I was before.  I have a stronger sense of empathy for others.  I have a unique ability to relate and understand the struggles of those going through infertility.  And although it's fairly common, not many people talk about it.  So people feel isolated.  So I am able to connect with those types of individuals.  But in a broader sense, I believe it has made me more empathetic to others as well.  I have a deeper connection to Heavenly Father and a love for all his children.  So, no, I wouldn't give that back.  I'm finally at the point where I know my strengths and I know my struggles.  And I know how to use both of those to help people.

Do I still wish my circumstances were different?  A little.  But that doesn't change anything.   Do I wish it wasn't so hard at times?  Yes.  But I recognize that by going through these difficult circumstances, I have grown really deep roots.  (Like a tree that goes through a lot of storms.)

And in general, life isn't always hard.  Life is good.  There are definitely some hard, rocky times to get through.  But with or without kids, I am trying my best to live a good life.  To make a difference in the world around me.    To show kindness and love to those I meet.  And to spread happiness by caring about others.

Maybe that's my purpose in life.  With or without kids. We'll see.

The Gift of Being Broken

Today I read a blogpost that really resonated with me.  It was called "The Gift of Being Broken."  I think a lot of people can relate to this. 

Read what the author Ariel Szuch shared:  https://www.lds.org/blog/the-gift-of-being-broken?lang=eng

She said:
"However, God is good, and He has taught me a valuable lesson about being broken through my life’s experiences:

Brokenness is a gift.

Why? Because our brokenness connects us to each other, and our brokenness brings us to Christ. It is by bringing our broken hearts to Him that we are made whole.

Sharing our brokenness brings meaning to our experiences, and the connection we make with others when we share our stories brings healing."

***This is true.  And it's interesting how our lives interconnect.  When I first started going through my infertility procedures and struggles, a close friend started her infertility journey about 6 months after us.  She would do an IUI, then I would do an IUI.  Our timing seemed to alternate, so she could comfort me when mine were unsuccessful, and then I could be there for her when hers were unsuccessful.   She and her husband did rounds and rounds of IUI's.  (Artificial Insemination)   Finally they decided to invest the money, and get IVF.  (In Vitro Fertilization)  Similar to me, she got married later in life.  Just like me, she and her husband are LDS and have wanted kids their whole life.  And they were so thrilled to find out that she was pregnant after their procedure.   Unlike me who kept my pregnancy quiet, she told everyone that it was successful.  And they were expecting.  Things were going along great.  She almost made it to the end of the 1st trimester.  And when she went in for her ultrasound, they were unable to find a heartbeat.  (just like me).  How I wish that wasn't the case.  How I wish she wouldn't have to go through the same devastation that I went through.  How I wish her baby could have kept growing.  But no.  For whatever reason, it wasn't meant to be.  It's a dark place to be in when you first miscarry.  But that's okay.   She texted me the day after she got the news.  I was in Walmart.  And as our texting conversation went on, I started crying in Walmart.  I went to the the housewares aisle which was less crowded than the grocery aisles.  And I could honestly share in her misery.  It sucks.  You go through all that blood, shots, surgeries, and tears, and for what?  It seems like all that pain and suffering is for nothing.   (Having gone through it, I know it's a refiner's fire.  But in the middle of going through it, you're not able to see it yet.)   But I was able to tell her that it hurts less on the other side.  It's been almost a year since I miscarried.  And I'm definitely glad to be on the other side of that trial.  Because now I can look back, and identify what the author is talking about below is this quote: 

"Being broken is a gift, because when we are broken, we recognize the need for a Savior to make us whole.

There’s a reason that the sacrifice Jesus asks of us is a “broken heart and a contrite spirit.” A broken heart is one that is open to Him, that lets in His grace. He felt our pains and sorrows first, and by going through a little of what He went through, we feel His power in our lives."

This is the other things I have learned through this trial.  That Jesus Christ literally has bound up my wounds, and pieced my broken heart back together.  (at times I thought I was going to completely lose it.)  I have felt a peace that only my Savior Jesus Christ could give.  And so although I still struggle with my infertility and the direction of my life.  It's not as intense now.  And I can definitely recognize that the Lord was there to comfort me during my trials.  And I had to go down that road, if only to know that I tried everything I could.  And to learn that was not my path.  

I'm still learning what my path in this life is.  But I know I have learned to rely on Jesus Christ more over the past few years than ever before in my life.  And that's all I really know right now.  And I have that knowledge as I move forward... to whatever the future holds.

Aftermath of Infertility- healing through music

Facebook time hop is normally a good thing.  Showing me pictures and memories of years past.  It's fun to reminisce.  Sometimes.  

This week, a picture of a stuffed unicorn and a potted flower came up.  And it hurt my heart.  My husband bought me that after one of our harder my last IVF surgery.  That was the one that resulted in pregnancy, but then later miscarriage.

At church during Relief Society, we had a special lesson taught by Tierra Jones.  It was full of special musical numbers.  Since Tierra was teaching the lesson, she was able to recruit her family members to help out.  They are phenomenal singers.  Bryson and Tierra sang a duet which was beyond beautiful.  Then Bryson's brother sang the song "You Have Nothing To Fear From This Journey"... written by Rob Gardner.  And I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face.  It brought a comfort and soothing feeling to my hurting heart.  I'll always be grateful to her for that lesson.  It helped to heal a part of my soul.

Here's the song:

https://youtu.be/cmtqj3R2ioA

And here are the lyrics:

You have nothing to fear from the journey,
Though your way may be burdened by thorns.
For the Lord will be with you each step of the way
As you travel with faith through the storm.
And you've nothing to fear from your trials,
Though they seem far too heavy to bear.
Take His hand and He'll lead you gently along
And you'll find peace and safety there.

You have nothing to fear from the journey, 
Though your body is tired and worn. 
For the Lord will send angels to lift up your arms
And He'll carry the burden you've born.
And you've nothing to fear from your suff'ring,
Nor the grief you've been called on to bear,
Take His hand and He'll lead you gently along
And you'll find peace and safety there.

There is nothing to fear from the nights that are lonely,
There's nothing to fear from the cold!
There's nothing to fear from what might be tomorrow,
For heaven is with you, 
And angels watch over 
His fold.

You have nothing to fear from the journey, 
Though it seems far too early to go. 
Heaven's angels will take you where tears are no more 
And they'll lead you to glory untold. 
And you've nothing to fear from your sorrow, 
Though your life has been burdened by care. 
Take His hand and He'll lead you safely back home 
And you'll rest from your labors there.