Results of blood test- "Some disappointments come regardless of your effort and preparation, for God wishes us to be strong as well as good."

I went back for another consult to see why I wasn't getting pregnant.  Dr. Craig told me the same 3 reasons why it possibly didn't work.
1)  It was just bad luck.  (Unexplained infertility)
2)  I was pregnant, but my immune system was attacking the embryo causing early miscarriage
3)  I was pregnant, but there was a micro blood clot that caused early miscarriage.  (even though I'm on Lovenox and baby aspirin)

So this time, I decided to pay for a blood test to see if my immune system is attacking the embryos they keep putting in. And that's why am not getting pregnant.  They have all these tests available.  It was just a financial decision not to do them.  Because my first IVF transfer, I didn't have a high success rate with just one embryo anyway.  (It was 38-40% chance of pregnancy).  So I figured that one was just bad odds.

But this last time, I had a very high chance of pregnancy with two good embryos transfered. (It was 78-80% this last time.)   But it still didn't work.

So I decided to bite the bullet and get the blood test done.  It was called an ACA/ LAG/ ANA test.  (Similar to a Lupus panel.)  This sounds weird, but I was kind of hoping this would come back positive.  Not that I want more problems or diseases, but at least I would know what the problem is.  Then maybe we could counteract it.

I had the blood work done at my regular doctor's office to try and get insurance to pay for it.  (I am one of the lucky ones- my insurance does cover some of the infertility treatments, but I have a lifetime max, and once I'm maxed out- it's done.)  So when the nurse from my regular doctor's office called, she was pleased to tell me that all my results came back negative.  (to her, that was good news.)  To me, that was kind of disappointing news.  I mean- I'm glad I don't have more health issues.  But at the same time, I was hoping for some answers.  So- we've ruled out possibility #2.     And even though #3 could be a possibility- maybe there was a micro blood clot, I'm doubtful.  I was taking baby aspirin daily and doing the Lovenox shots in my stomach.  (Which is a blood thinner.)  It was obviously doing it's job based on the bruises on my belly.   So my gut feeling says it was #1.  Just unexplained infertility.  Which is hard to combat...  and makes me question how many more times we should try this... probably one more time.  

I found an interesting quote by Jeffrey R. Holland.
It's called "For Times of Trouble"...   

This stuck out to me...  
"Some disappointments come regardless of your effort and preparation, for God wishes us to be strong as well as good."  

So, I feel like that's why I'm going through this infertility trial.  Like it or not, it is making me stronger.  And he flat out said that some disappointments come regardless of my effort and preparation (for these IVF transfers.)   So... that stuck out to me.  

"Some disappointments come regardless of your effort and preparation, for God wishes us to be strong as well as good. There, too, I say, 'Love your life, poor as it is.' Drive even these experiences into the corner, painful though they may be, and learn from them. In this, too, you have friends through the ages in whom you can take comfort and with whom you can form timeless bonds."

"If you are trying hard and living right and things still seem burdensome and difficult, take heart. Others have walked that way before you."

"In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike—and they will—you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham’s seed."

Jeffrey R. Holland,

"In Times of Trouble"

BYU Devotional, March, 1980.

Read: PDF link

https://speeches.byu.edu/wp-content/uploads/pdf/Holland_Jeffrey_1980_031.pdf

Listen: MP3 link below ⬇️

(Sorry, there is no video available for this speech.)

https://speeches.byu.edu/wp-content/uploads/mp3/Holland_Jeffrey_0319801.mp3  

So... that's where I'm at right now.  Still don't know the answers, but I know I am growing.

We tried again... (Frozen Embryo Transfer)

Last fall,  I went through my first In Vitro Fertilization cycle.  (IVF)   I was very open with the details.  I documented every step so that others following in my footsteps would know what to expect, and so they would know they are not alone.  Many, many people have to do infertility treatment.  And it's nice to know others are going through the same thing.

 It was a very long, emotional process that started with an IVF consult in October, and ended in February with a blood test.  After all that, I found out I wasn't pregnant.  And I was heart-broken.  That was so much work.  So much blood, sweat, and tears.  Appointments, procedures, surgeries.  So many shots, pills, suppositories every day.  All to achieve the dream of having a baby.  But it didn't work.  I felt like I had a run a marathon, and then didn't get the prize at the end.

I thought I was done with infertility.  But when are you ever done?  How do you know when to stop?  
I reconnected with the adoption agency I was working with.  I got our paperwork back up-to-date.  But then... you just wait.  And I hate waiting.  I need to be doing something...

Meanwhile, my hubby wanted to give the Frozen Embryo Transfer another try.  This time with a donor embryo... to see if we might have more success with that.  So I agreed.  I wasn't super excited about it.  I just thought I would do it to see what happens.

At the time, I thought about blogging about it.  But I didn't feel motivated to do it.  I was really gun-shy.  It was so painful the last time- telling everyone that it didn't work.  So I thought I would keep it a secret this time.  And just tell people after I got pregnant.

The nice thing about doing it a second time is that it wasn't as scary.  Granted, it wasn't that fun.  But it wasn't scary.  I had already done everything once already.  I knew exactly what hurt and how much it hurt.  And kind of what to do in order to make it feel better.

My drug regiment was almost identical to the last time.  I did pick up a few more tricks though.   Each night, when you're doing the progesterone shots in the butt, ice it for a long time before, then massage it after the injection (because the oil is so thick- it helps disperse it), then use a heating pad.  It helps.  The area will be sore, but you'll be able to walk normally.

For the Lovenox shots in the tummy... I learned it was better to ice it before AND after the injection.  It's going to bruise regardless because it's a blood thinner, but I think icing before and after helped minimize the bruising.  
Here's my proof it helped:  

This is my tummy from this month.  My friend Stacy saw them when they were more bruised, and said I looked like a dalmatian.  ;)

If you remember my last round with the Lovenox shots, I bruised a lot more.  (But was only icing before the shot.)  If you recall this post: 
http://makingababythehardway.blogspot.com/2016/02/purple-is-my-favorite-color-but-not-on.html
We were trying to connect the bruises to look like continents.  This was the best we could do.  ;)

For this round, I didn't really ever get my hopes up.  We just went through the motions.  We did the procedures and the shots.  We didn't talk about baby names or our future.  We just did it.  I know people say there is power in positive thinking, and I know there's some truth to that.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't bear to get my hopes up.  It was so crushing the last time.  So this time I just thought that whatever happened, happened.  If I got pregnant, then I'll deal with it.  If I didn't get pregnant, then I'll deal with it.

The day of our transfer was April 29th.  I couldn't help myself, I did get kind of excited.  Since this was our 2nd time doing this, I knew what to expect.  I knew what was going on more, and wasn't so clueless.  I wanted to take pictures just in case this ended up working.

Here's the picture they gave us of my uterus.  The doctor transfered two good embryos into my uterus.  (Although you can't really see them in the pic.)   They didn't give us this last time, so this was a really cool keepsake.

The waiting period came and went.  I tried my best not to think about the fact that I could be pregnant.  The doctor gave me a 78% chance of a successful pregnancy, and a 40% chance of twins.  I thought those were really good odds.

The morning I was supposed to get my blood drawn for the pregnancy test, I didn't want to go.  I even ended up being late because I was putting off going.  

When the tech called me back and asked me "How are you feeling?"  I said "dread."  (Which technically was what I was feeling, not how I was feeling.  But that was the honest answer.)  She asked why?  I said  "Because we've been down this road before."   She wished me luck, hoping we would have different results this time.

I went back to work after that.  Luckily, it was a busy day.  So I avoided thinking about it most of the day.  Even when the doctor's office called and left the results on the voicemail, I was able to mostly avoid thinking about it.  

  (I made sure to specifically ask them to leave the results, so we didn't have a repeat of last time!)

That evening, we repeated the scenario when hubby got home from work.  We went into the bedroom, knelt down and said a prayer.  Then we stared at my phone for a while.  I asked hubby how he felt.  He said he had a lump in his throat.   I put my phone on speakerphone so we could both hear the voicemail.

It said:  They got the results back, and unfortunately, the results were negative.  And they were so sorry.  And to call the office when we were ready.

We were both silent for a while.  Then I said, "Well, poo!"  (That's my version of swearing I guess.)

Hubby said, "Play it again, maybe we heard it wrong."  I said we didn't hear it wrong.  We talked for a while, and hugged for a while, and eventually fell asleep on the bed.  Later that night, we went to the gym.  Hubby actually works out.  I just walk on the treadmill and watch TV.  But it was nice to be able to do that again.  After the embryo transfer, you are not allowed to exercise until you find out the results.

The next day, hubby brought me flowers and frozen yogurt.  (Which was very sweet, and not something he would normally do.  So that made it special.)

This time didn't hurt as much as last time.  I would still tear up, but it was nothing like last time.  I guess I'm getting used to disappointment.  The news wasn't nearly as painful.  When it was my turn to say our bedtime prayers, I would tell Heavenly Father that I wasn't angry... just sad.   And I asked for strength to help get me through this.

But it was kind of a mixed blessing that I didn't have the results until after Mother's Day.  I technically could have been pregnant on Mother's Day, so it wasn't as difficult as if I had found out the news beforehand.

Here's a meme that I found on lds.org

So... that's my life.  I had a friend ask me if this was a trial of faith for me.

I said no.  It's definitely a trial.  But not of my faith.  It's just something I am supposed to learn and grow from.  So, I'm doing my best to figure this out along the way.  I'm not sure what the Lord has in store for me.  Adoption or getting pregnant with more infertility treatments.  But we'll figure it out one of these days.  In the meantime, I just need to keep moving forward with faith.

Even though this is all over, I'm still sharing it on my blog.  Mainly because my friend Christina encouraged me to keep blogging about it.  As she put it, I needed to write about the good, the bad, and the ugly.  She said (and I know) that I'm not the only one going through trials like these.  And not a lot of people talk about it openly because it is so personal.  So by blogging about it... even the unsuccessful attempts... it may help someone.  So...that's my hope.

I don't have all the answers.  I don't know why things work out the way they do.  But I do know that God is aware of me.  And He has a divine plan for me.  And that I just need to have the faith that things will work out for the best, in God's timeframe.  Not mine.  And in the meantime... I'lll just keep on keeping on.

Mother's Day for all Types of Mothers

Mother's Day is really hard for a lot of us.  One of the best letters/ blog articles I've ever read about those of us who struggle with Mother's Day was written by Lindsey Redfern last year.  Here's the link:  https://www.ldsliving.com/An-Open-Letter-to-5-Types-of-Mothers/s/78855

But for fear that you won't click on that link, I wanted to cut and paste the article here.  It is WELL worth the read.  It addresses very sensitive/ tender issues.    (For all different types of mothers.... who usually dread Mother's Day.)

• The Imperfect Mother  
• The Childless Mother  
• The Mother Battling Infertility 
•  The Mother Who Placed Her Child For Adoption
• And The Mother Waiting To Reunite with Her Children in Heaven  

READ THIS:   It's worth your time. (and thank you Lindsey for writing it.)  

An Open Letter to 5 Types of Mothers

byLindsey Redfern of Adoption.com | May. 09, 2015

Makes You Think

Comments

Lindsey Redfern is an infertility survivor and the mom of four adorable children who were adopted. Lindsey is a blogger at The R House and the editor in chief atAdoption.com.

When most people think of Mother’s Day, they think of cards and flowers and declarations of gratitude. But, for a large population of women, Mother’s Day can be a day of discouragement.

On Mother’s Day, we use superlatives a lot. “Best Mom Ever!” “My Angel Mother!” “My mother is perfection personified!” I have yet to find a mother who feels like they are the best mom ever. Short tempers, endless messes, unfinished homework, fatigue, and the struggle to find this mythical creature called “balance” often inflicts a disease I like to call Mom Guilt. For some moms, hearing on Mother’s Day about the perfect mom and comparing themselves to that perfect image can be discouraging.

But is motherhood really just about how many children you have and how you wrangle them? I propose that real motherhood actually has nothing to do with that--it is so much more. Consider these powerful words from Sister Patricia Holland:

In a poignant exchange with God, Adam states that he will call the woman Eve. And why does he call her Eve? ‘Because she [is] the mother of all living.’ (Genesis 3:20; Moses 4:26.) …Eve was given the identity of ‘the mother of all living’ –years, decades, perhaps centuries before she ever bore a child.

It would appear that her motherhood preceded her maternity.

Just as surely as the perfection of the Garden preceded the struggles of mortality. I believe mother is one of those very carefully chosen words, one of those rich words–with meaning after meaning after meaning. We must not, at all costs, let that word divide us.

I believe with all my heart that it is first and foremost a statement about our nature, not a head count of our children.

In light of Sister Holland’s words, I’d like to take a moment to wish a Happy Mother’s Day to all types of mothers.

The imperfect mother.

I know you. You’re the mom that hasn’t showered. You’re the mom who is beating herself up about getting impatient with your son about those missing shoes this morning. You have bags under your eyes from comforting your sick daughter all night long. You’re the mom who escapes to the bathroom for a quiet minute to scroll through her Facebook feed. You’re the mom who is counting down the minutes until sacrament meeting is over. You’re the mom who feels inadequate to raise the next generation of leaders. You’re the mom that is doing the very best she can and counting on the Atonement to make up the difference. I know you because I am you. Happy Mother’s Day to you. May you feel the encouragement of a loving Father who is whispering, “You’ve got this. You are changing the world.”

The childless mother.

Whether you are childless by choice or have not yet started your family, I want to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day! You were the mothers who helped raise me. You were the ones I turned to in my teenage years. Your example had a powerful influence on my testimony, my desire to want to choose the right, and my understanding of what it meant to be a woman of Christ. Thank you for your example, and thank you for taking the time to love me. I know you had a lot going on in your own life, but thank you for taking the time to mother me and teach me how nurture my testimony. In fact, more than 20 years later, I am still reaching out to you for advice and encouragement. I thank you. My mother thanks you. My children thank you. May you feel empowered by knowing that your motherly love has influenced generations.

The mother battling infertility.

I see you. You may be under the covers in your bed instead of braving church on Mother’s Day, but I still see you. I am also you. Even though I now have four children that we adopted and the wounds of infertility are no longer bleeding, the scars are always there. I see you in the back of the congregation fighting back tears or with a chip on your shoulder. I hurt with you when someone in the ward asks you when you’re going to have kids or tells you that you’d get pregnant if you had more faith. I am anxious with you as you silently plead with heaven during Mother’s Day talks, thinking that no doctrine says that bearing children is our divine heritage. Please know that you are so much more than your infertility. Happy Mother’s Day to you. May your heart be calmed by knowing that all that is unfair in life will be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. 

The mother who placed her child for adoption.

Celebrating you is the delight of my Mother’s Day! If you could peek into my adoptive mama heart on this day, you would see an ocean of unconditional love and gratitude that is so hard to verbalize. Your sacrifice has changed my life. You made me a mother. You chose me to join you in your motherhood. Your courage inspires me. Your trust in me ignites a desire to want to be better. On this Mother’s Day, I want to tell you that you are loved. You are prayed for. You are thought of. You are spoken of with love and light. You are part of our family. May you know that your motherhood is celebrated in this home and may you feel your Heavenly Father’s arms tightly around you.

The mother waiting to reunite with her children in heaven.

There are no words that can comfort you, but please know that I have a tender heart full of love for you on this day. I have many friends and family members who love children on the other side of the veil. For some of you, if you’re at church on Mother’s Day, you are hoping they don’t ask only the mothers to stand. You are praying you aren’t asked how many children you have. Sometimes the answer can just be too complex. I want you to know that I understand that there are days when you want to talk about it and that there are times when you are keeping those feelings close. I will follow your lead. Happy Mother’s Day to you even if you just ponder it in your heart. May you find and enjoy the avenue that brings you the most peace and the ability to feel the Savior’s infinite love for you.

My Mother’s Day wish is that these words will help us understand each other rather than divide us. Together we are Motherhood. Happy Mother’s Day to all types of mothers! 

---

Adoption.com is the world's most-used adoption site with resources, articles, and services that benefit all members of the adoption community. Find out how Adoption.com can help you navigate your LDS adoption journey by visiting Adoption.com/LDS.