The grieving process

This has been a really hard week for me.

I don't sleep well at night.  I wake up in the middle of the night, and I can't get back to sleep.
I find that I'm really angry at night.  Not in the day time when my conscious mind is awake.  But at night when my sub-conscious is there.  I'm still angry.  And I know anger is just a secondary emotion masking pain or fear.  I'm still in a lot of pain (mostly emotional), and it's manifesting as anger.  In the middle of the night no less.

This week was hard.  This was my first full week back since I found out that IVF didn't work.  I normally have a bubbly, energetic personality at my office where I work as a receptionist.  It was exhausting this week trying to maintain that.  What used to come naturally to me isn't there right now.  And it's really exhausting to maintain that level of energy when I'm not feeling it inside.  I'm being fake, and I don't like it.  But if I don't act like my normal self, then I'll get the "what's wrong?" questions.  And I'm not ready to face that either.  So... I'm stuck.

I'm having a hard time grieving for this.  Some nights I just cry and cry.  And it's been a week and a half since I found out I wasn't pregnant.

It's just such an abstract concept.  So I'm trying to grieve for a lost opportunity to get pregnant.  It's not like I was ever actually pregnant, so I'm not grieving for the loss of a baby.  

Tonight my friend Steph texted me to see how I was doing.  I told her I was having a rough day.  She called me.  She is my infertility friend.  She has a life that parallels mine.  We're close to the same age.  We both got married later in life.  She got married a year before me.  We both have been through infertility treatments.  Last year, we were doing IUI's at the same time each month, except we were 2 weeks off.  So she would be finding out her results right as I would be starting another IUI.  And then I would be finding out my results right as she was starting her next IUI.  It was an interesting dynamic.  But we were able to be there for each other during the hard times.  (Because neither of us got pregnant from those rounds of IUI's.)

Last fall she tried again, and was actually able to get pregnant from an IUI.  She was 3 months pregnant when she went into the doctor's office for a routine ultrasound.   And they couldn't find a heartbeat.  And so she has actually experienced the loss of a baby.

I've just experienced the loss of a potential pregnancy.  I was telling her all this. (while crying).  And she corrected me.  She said no- it was the same feelings.  Because not only did I lose our fertilized embryo, I had lost all my hopes and dreams that were attached to that embryo.  So it was similar feelings to a miscarriage.

So maybe that will help me process my feelings more.  Because tonight I was just too tired to deal with life.  Part of me wants to run away.  And part of me doesn't want to move.  My husband came home from his class to find me curled up in fetal position again on the bed.  I have a residual headache from crying too much.  And he was good.  He laid down on the bed beside me and put his arm around me.  He asked me what was wrong.  I told him it was the same thing that's been wrong for the past 2 weeks.  He held me.  And we talked.  And I cried.  And later he brought me some Sudafed to clear up my sinus headache (from crying).  He's a good guy.  

Usually I'm a very patient person, and don't very often get angry.   But since I've been doing infertility treatments, it comes up more.  (Which I know is masking pain and fear, but it still happens.)  So sometimes I get angry at Devon for stupid things.  Most days, he's been good about diffusing the situation though.  One time... to diffuse the situation, he quoted me a line from the movie "3 Amigos".  (and it comes to mind all the other times I get mad too.)    He said to me:  "Boss, do you think it's possible.... that once again, you are angry at something else....  and taking it out on me?"   And I stop to think about it.  Yep.  Then from there, we can usually get to the bottom of the what's really bothering me.

So... why did I have to go through all that?  The months of "procedures", surgeries, shots, drugs, blood draws, and poking/proding appointments?   I feel like a ran a marathon, and completed it... but don't get the medal at the end.  I crossed the finish line.  I did every hard thing they asked me to do.  Even though I didn't want to.  I did it because I had my eye on the prize at the end.  And now there's no prize.  And it sucks.

And I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here.  Most days, I'm in survival mode.  Just get through the day.  Then figure it out tomorrow...

These are the quotes that I saw on Facebook this week that stood out to me.

Finally ready to tell people

I have a secret.  And I don't know how to tell people.

I know the results.  I've known for over a week. 

And it sucks because I feel like I've been telling this story through my blog.  But my story doesn't end with happily ever after.

We got the lab results back last week.

And I'm not pregnant.

So.... I don't really know where to go from here.  

Obviously, we're beyond disappointed.  We're heart-broken.  We're trying to work through the various stages of grief.  We're trying to process these raging, raw emotions which are triggered so suddenly. Obviously, this was the Lord's will, and so I just have to trust that He has something different in mind for me.  And I get that. But that doesn't change the way I feel.  I go back and forth between feeling okay about it, and definitely NOT being okay with it.  So if you ask me how I'm doing, it depends.  It varies by the minute.

We were suppose to find out last Tuesday.  I went in for blood work at 10 am.  And they were going to call with the results in the afternoon.  My plan was to let it go to voicemail, so my husband and I could find out the results together that evening.  (After he got home from work.)   I originally had planned on taking the whole day off from work.  But then I realized I couldn't just sit at home and wait to get that phone call, and then wait all day until hubby came home.  I would go nuts.  So I went back to work to distract me.  I came home around 5:30 pm, and really only felt anxious from 5:30-7:30 pm when hubby came home.  We went into the bedroom, knelt down at the bed, and my husband said a prayer.  It was very sweet, and very spiritual.  And then we listened the voicemail on speaker phone.  Which said:  "Hi, this is Daina from Dr. Craig's office, please give us a call when you get this message."   ...... So....  no results.  I was actually okay with that.  As much as I wanted to find out, I kind of didn't want to find out.  There was something so permanent about knowing for sure.  I got to believe that I could be pregnant for another day.

Wednesday, I contacted the doctor's office and asked them to leave me the results on the voicemail.  I went into work, and when I came home, hubby and I repeated the scenario.  We went into the bedroom, knelt down to say a prayer, and listened to the voicemail on speaker phone.  They got the lab results back, and unfortunately, they came back negative.  I was not pregnant.  I looked at Devon, and started tearing up.  I said, "Well, at least we tried.  Now we know for sure."   But obviously that wasn't the answer I wanted.  Or that I even understood.  

At some point, I had started believing this was going to work.  In November/ December, I had had the attitude of we're just doing this to see what happens- if I can get pregnant.  (Since nothing else had been working)    In January, my attitude had shifted.  I really believed that I really was going to get pregnant.  As my friend put it, I was "cautiously optimistic".  I had started looking at different ways to announce my pregnancy on Pinterest.  I had started cleaning out the room we were going to use as the nursery.    I jumped the gun, and had even gotten a used crib, which I now is a painful reminded of what I don't have.

I curled up on the bed in fetal position.  Hubby curled up behind me.  We were both kind of in shock.  All of that work going through In Vitro... and it didn't work.  My body wasn't pregnant.  And we didn't have any more embryos to try again.  That was our one chance.  And it didn't work.  We tried talking (with me crying) about it... but it just ended in hubby falling asleep, and me staring absently into space trying to comprehend what just happened.

A few hours later, I was numb.  And hubby woke up.  We had to pick his car up from the mechanic, so I drove him there.  I made the mistake of putting on jeans to drive him there.  I haven't worn anything but stretchy pants or skirts since starting the Lovenox injections.  (Because my stomach was so bruised up, and my hips hurt so bad that I didn't like anything to touch it.)  I started to drive there, but had to pull over and make him drive.  Not only did I have to unzip my jeans to relieve the physical discomfort, but it just brought back the reason why it hurt to wear jeans, and I just started crying again in the car.  Tears kept rolling down my cheek under my sunglasses, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I was heart-broken and disappointed.  But even more so, I really didn't want to have to break the news to my parents.  They had been so supportive through this whole process, and I hated the thought of letting them down.  We had talked about how this was going to be Grandkid #11 for them.  And now it's not.  I didn't know how to tell them.  Or my siblings.  Or anybody.  I didn't want them to be disappointed.  

Later that night, I texted my parents that I wanted to come over for a short visit.  I was going over in my head what I was going to say.  But it in the end, it didn't matter.  I couldn't talk.  I walked in their front door, saw my mom and dad, shook my head no, and started crying again.  They figured out the rest.

I texted each of my family members that night.  They were all so very loving, supportive, and gentle.  They helped me get through the night.

The next day (Thurs), I thought about going into work.  I had texted a co-worker who said she would open the office for me if I wanted to sleep in.  Or even cover for me the whole day if I wanted her to.  I had intended to go in, if nothing else it would be something to distract me from this news.  But the reality of it hit me the next morning when I woke up with a killer headache.  (From all the crying I did the previous day, I suppose)  So I ended up taking the day off.  And watching dumb TV shows- ranging from Thundercats (the 80's cartoon) to Judge Judy to Downton Abby.  It was a wide genre of shows.  But I just did whatever I could to get through the day.   A friend came to visit that evening, and that helped distract me.

Friday is kind of a blur.  I don't honestly remember what happened.  I had a hair appointment, and went out to lunch.  I don't remember what else.

Saturday, hubby was home with me.  I told him I wanted to go to the temple together.  We decided to just go to the Mesa Temple Visitor's Center.  We went inside, watched a simple video about families.  And I lost it again.  I was still having a hard time.  So was my hubby.  We stood out on the temple grounds looking at the scenery.  I asked him the same thing I asked him when I was getting my bad shots.  "We're going to get through this, right?"  

Sunday, I was doing pretty decent.  I went to church.  And was kind of praying about what our next step should be.  I got a text from my brother/ sister-in-law that they just had their baby.  (Which was a surprise)  We didn't think she would have him until the end of the month.  Seeing the pic of my brother holding that little baby just made me cry all over again.  I had to pray to ask Heavenly Father to help me not be jealous.

There was a beautiful musical number of my favorite song (Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing), which I cried all through.  (A good cry)  And the last speaker was interesting.  He had served his mission in Germany right around the time the Berlin wall went up.  

 Previously, the members in East Germany (a communist country) had traveled to Switzerland to go to the temple to be sealed.  But then the East Germany government made a new rule that there was no citizens could travel out of the country. The prophet visited the people and told them if they were faithful, they would not be denied any blessing that members of the church in other countries enjoyed.  For years, the members of the church kept requesting travel visas, and they kept getting denied.  Finally the Minister of Religious Affairs told the president of our church that the members would never be allowed to leave the country to go the temple.  Then he said, "I don't understand why you don't just build a temple here."  And so that's how the miracle of the temple in East Germany came about.  East Germany (a communist country) got a temple before West Germany did!

Those faithful members had to wait for the blessings that came so easily to other members of the church in other countries.  But eventually, their prayers were answered, and they not only got to go to the temple, but they had one built in their own country.

So that resonated with me.  Those church members in East Germany probably thought it wasn't fair.  And life's not fair.  But the Lord has a grand plan.  Even though we don't understand.  And one day, mortality will make sense.  Even if it doesn't right now. 

So... by the end of sacrament meeting, I was okay again.  I went to nursery to help out.  And I was okay with it.  Things are going to be okay in the long run.  I don't know why I don't get the chance to be pregnant, but there's a reason.  And I just have to have faith that there's another plan, and I just don't know what it is.  But it will be worth it in the end.

Waiting... and waiting.... Frozen Embryo Transfer

This meme makes me laugh.  I will admit, I have prayed for patience during this whole ordeal.

As much as I joke about it, I never really felt anxious after the transfer procedure.  I know of other people who had the embryo transfer done, that were going nuts waiting to get the results back.

Not me.  I felt very calm and peaceful.  Which I know is the direct result of so many people praying for me.  Because last year when I was doing all my IUI's each month, I was an emotional wreck.  But last year, I hadn't told people we were going through infertility treatments.  So I was going through it mostly alone.

This year I have been more open about it.   Because it's not something I'm ashamed of anymore.  It's a medical condition.  And not enough people talk about it.  Once I opened up and started blogging about my infertility, I had so many friends message me and tell me they had to do infertility treatments.  I was shocked.  So much so, that now if anyone has twins, I just assume it was probably due to fertility treatments rather than just occurring naturally!

Through-out my life, I have met some really good people (from many different religions).  And now because of social media, we are able to stay in touch even though we live in different parts of the country.  A lot of my friends are Mormon (Latter Day Saints)... just from all the different wards I've been in after college.  (A "ward" is the Mormon word for congregation).  

But I have many friends from almost every religion I can think of.  (and some that don't identify with any religion.)

They are have told me that I have been put on prayer chains, prayed for at mass, and had ministers offer prayers on my behalf, and put my names on a prayer roll at the temple.  All of which I whole-heartedly appreciate.  I figure the more prayers the better.  I love how people can become united in their faith.  Even though we have different belief systems, we all pray to the same God.  (an amusing discussion I had with one of my friends!)  She told me she contacted a Mormon to pray for me!!  LOL.  I reminded her that it doesn't have to be a Mormon that prays for other Mormons.  She could just cut out the middle man and pray for me herself!!  ;)   (Which she has been.)

And I can feel it.  And that's the only reason I can credit feeling calm at a time like this.  Waiting to find out what my future holds.  And I feel peaceful.  It's a huge blessing, and I am thankful to have such good friends.     

Purple is my favorite color- but not on my skin. F.E.T.

Be prepared.  If you're going to do IVF, the Lovenox shot gives you bruises.  And lots of them.

I was forewarned before I started that one of the sub-cutaneous shots (Lovenox) was a blood thinner.  And that I would get bruises from it.  I can honestly say I have no love for Lovenox.  It burns when it goes in.  And the next morning, you get a brand new bruise!   You're supposed to ice before AND after the injection to reduce bruising.

We started it the day after my Frozen Embryo Transfer.   I'm not going to lie.  It's not that fun.   I get a shot of Lovenox in my tummy, and a progesterone intra-muscular shot in butt.  (Rotating sides each night)   

This is actually bruises from 2 separate shots.
But they combined forces to form one big bruise.

The yellow one is the Lovenox- before and after.
The blue tipped one is the Progesterone.

Last year when I was getting some bruises from my injections, I told my hubby to try and make it shaped like a dolphin.  We weren't entirely successful.

These ones are more circular shaped, so we decided to try and re-create a world map of the continents.   As an "artist", it's hard to work with a medium like blood thinners.  This was the best we could do....  I think it's close.  ;)

So.. I'm joking about it now.  But trust me, I already had my melt-down the first night I had to get these shots.  And I realized something.  I pretty much have the mentality of a 3 year old.  In my church, I am one of the Nursery Leaders.  (Which means, I'm in charge of a group of kids age 18 months- 3 years old).   Whenever we get a new kid, they usually cry.   (Because it's new and unfamiliar.)    

We divide our 2 hour block of time into sections.  

1st- Play with Toys.  2nd- Lesson/Snack  

3rd- Singing Time  4th- Play-doh/ Bubbles.   

And never fail.... even if the kid settles down and quits crying during toy time, the second we switch rooms to have snack, he will start crying again!  (Because it's new and they just got comfortable with the situation, and it changed again!)  Even though snack time is awesome.  ;)    

So it dawned on me that I am exactly like my nursery kids.  Right before each new injection, I have a really hard time.  And it usually involves tears.  And it's just because I don't know what to expect.  (Especially if I know it's going to hurt.)  But I've learned that once I get through the first one, it's better.  It doesn't hurt any less, but I can deal better because I know what's coming.  So I fight it less.  And it doesn't take as long for me to agree to let hubby give me the shot.

So... that's the latest on my Lovenox shots.

Modified Bed Rest and Sweet Friends

After the Frozen Embryo Transfer, the doctor told me I was on "Princess Status" or "Coach Potato Status" to give the embryo a chance to implant.  So basically, I got to hang out on the couch for a long time.  (Either sitting or reclining)  Other people would think this sounds awesome, but for me it was pretty difficult at first.  It was hard to stay down.  There was all this stuff I could be doing, but I had to stay put.  I had books, movies, and Netflix.  But that got boring.

  For the first 72 hours, all I was allowed to do was pretty much go to the bathroom.   It's hard to be humble enough to let someone else wait on you hand and foot.  Especially because I'm used to being so independent.  But I let my hubby take care of me, and I got through it.  (Again, other people might love the idea, but I felt guilty for sitting there while he was doing everything.)

After the first 72 hour period, the restrictions eased up a little bit.  And I could move around more, get a snack, but basically still had to take it easy.  At that point, hubby had to go back to work, so it was a good thing I could get food for myself!

I also had some very sweet friends and family that came to visit to help make my week of being home-bound more bearable.  I was very spoiled with visits, food, and gifts.

On Friday, my sister was the first to come visit and brought me a gift and a card that read "I hope this keeps you entertained for at least 20 minutes."  And it was bubble wrap!!  LOL.  And yes, I did spend half a day popping the bubbles while I read or watched TV.  It gave my hands something to do.

One of my best friends spent all of Saturday playing games with me.  We set up a card table outside so I could get some fresh air.  (I was allowed to sit)   So they set it up, and I just sat there, and it was sooooo nice to be outside.

My sis-in-law brought me a milkshake and a Cafe Rio salad.

On Sunday, my co-worker brought me a goodie bag with treats and a My Little Pony coloring book.  (This is so me!!)

On Sunday evening, my parents came to visit.  And my best friend grilled my hubby and I a delicious dinner!  (It was way better than anything I could have made, even if I was allowed to get up!!)

By Monday, I was feeling really stir-crazy.   But one of my other dear friends called me (and we talked for an hour), then ended up bringing me a sub sandwich and rented me a Netflix movie.  I felt much better after talking to her.

Tuesday, another friend came over and played games with me.  We ordered pizza and watched Muppets.

Wednesday, I mainly read a book all day, and talked with my aunt.

Thursday, Devon's sister came to visit.   Then that evening, a friend brought dinner over, showed me how to do Indexing (a project that helps people do family history), then we watched Big Bang Theory together.

Friday, I was officially done with modified bedrest.  But I still took it easy.  I'm on restricted physical activities.  I'm not supposed to push/pull/pick up more than 15 lbs.  (per my doctor) 

So... now it's just a waiting game.  But regardless of the outcome, I have to say how grateful I am to have such supportive and wonderful friends and family!!!!  <3

LOL! Awkward conversations...

Samantha cracks me up.  I'm at home on modified bed rest after my recent procedure.  

I work at the front desk of a busy office, and she is covering for me this week.  Here's what she's been texting me...

LOL!!!   I love my friends... they keep me laughing... :)