Frozen Embryo Transfer - FET

Friday was our Frozen Embryo Transfer.  (FET)   It was done at an Outpatient Surgery Center.  (Even though I didn't have to get an IV or anything.)  It's a really short procedure.  (Maybe 5 minutes long.)   You're supposed to drink a lot of water before you go in, so you have a full bladder.  The bladder flattens the uterus, and makes transfer easier.   The procedure didn't hurt, but it was a little uncomfortable.  I think I didn't drink enough water.  (Well, I did... my body just didn't digest it fast enough!!)  Because after I got home, I had to go to the bathroom 3 times.   

This time hubby got to come back in the room with me, and watch the embryo being placed.  Well, kind of.  He was there anyway.  It was hard to see.   We were watching this screen as the doctor inserted the flexible catheter all the way up to the uterus.  It was just normal gray fuzzy ultrasound screen.  But they knew what they were looking at.  Once the bigger one was in, then he put a smaller catheter in through the bigger one to transfer the embryo.  

It was so short, it was kind of anti-climactic!  I didn't even hear when doctor told us when he was putting the embryo in!  (Hubby said he did.)  But I was lying down, and the doctor had a mask on, so all I heard was mumbling.  All I knew is when the nurse said to look at the + on the screen, and that was where they had placed it.  I remember the doctor mumbling about getting it on target.  

So... that was it.  Prior to going back, the nurse had said we could take a picture of the screen, but my hubby had my phone, and it was over so fast, we didn't get a picture of it.  But I'm sure it looks like any other uterus ultrasound pic.  It's hard to tell what you're looking at.  Especially when the embryo is the size of a poppy seed.  So... oh well.  Missed that chance.  But honestly, no one else has a picture of their embryo at time of conception either!  

Because we were down to 1 embryo, the doctor told us our chance of success was 40-42%.   :/   That was a little bit discouraging.  We had a higher percentage before- but I guess that was when we had more embryos to work with.  Anyway... it is what it is.  It's all in God's hands now.  It's His will.  If He wants me to be pregnant, then this fertilized embryo will attach.  If he has another plan for me, then it won't.  But that's tricky to deal with after you've been through so much.

Once we were out in the car, I asked hubby how he felt about it.  He said he got emotional, and got a lump in his throat.  And now we just wait.  And pray.  And hope it's our turn for a miracle. 

My butt hurts- Intramuscular Injections

My butt hurts!!  And this is why:

 Oh, what a weekend.  My intra-muscular butt shots started last weekend.  

Last Saturday was supposed to be an important doctor's appointment.  Not only was I scheduled to do my blood draw/ ultrasound, but my hubby was supposed to come and get trained how to do intra-muscular shots.  They're more complicated than the sub-cutaneous ones.  (It's a lot longer needle.  It's an oil-based shot, so it's thicker and takes longer to inject.  You have a very specific area it has to go into the butt.  It's too thick to go into the thigh.  Once you stick it in, you have to check to make sure you don't get blood in the needle.)  Just a lot of new information.

Here's the training video if you're curious:   http://www.freedommedteach.com/eng/videos.html?play=progesterone_in_oil

But then Saturday morning, hubby woke up sick.  :(   I called a really good friend, and luckily for me, she was willing to drop everything on her agenda to accompany me to the doctor.

 Knowing myself, I needed another person there to take notes.  Because when I start to get overwhelmed, I shut down.  And somebody had to pay attention to this!  We went over the drug schedule (which is complicated), and I have already messed up twice!  (Taking the wrong medication at the wrong time!  And forgotten to take a medication.)  I was not meant to be a druggie.  ;)   It's too complicated.

   But despite my mixed up drugs, it turned out to be okay.  My uterine lining was still good, so we don't have to postpone the transfer.

We had a meeting with the IVF coordinator, and she drew circles on both of my hips/glutes to show hubby where to put the IM injection.  

So that was Saturday.

Sunday was a whole different experience.  Sunday night, I had a little bit of a mental breakdown.  (Knowing these shots were coming.)

That morning, I had read a really good quote on The Mormon Channel on Sunday morning.  (speaking about Jesus Christ)

"His life was not free of conflict or pain, but it was free of fear and full of meaning." 

 - David E. Sorenson  

That was what I wanted.  It's the fear of the pain that gets me all worked up.

Sunday evening, hubby gave me a blessing around 9:30 pm, but then due to circumstances, he didn't end up trying to give me the shot until about an hour later after the blessing.  (This was a new shot, so he was getting it ready and studying the instructions.)
By then too much time had passed, and my anxiety was really starting to build up.  In addition to that, because he wasn't at the shot training meeting, he was trying to do it differently than I had learned how to do it.  So I freaked out and we argued because I thought he was doing it wrong.  (The IVF coordinator had said to pinch the skin when starting the injection, and the written instructions and training video that they told us to watch said to spread the skin out with your fingers.)  He didn't know any other way to do it, because he was just following the video's instructions... but it was different than the verbal instructions I received.  And I was worried about it hurting more this way.  Anyway, I was just too freaked out to let him do it.  

Long story short, I ran away. (Briefly)  Fight or flight instincts kicked in.  I just had to get away.  So... at 10:30 pm I threw my clothes on and left.  I told hubby I needed to go on a walk, and when I got back we could do the injection.  (I was pretty worked up at the time.)  And I just left.... without my phone, without the dogs.... no idea were I was going.  Just walking as fast as I could away from the house outside in the dark, cold night.

Crying and praying, I asked Heavenly Father to help me get through this.  Because I couldn't do it.  (and I didn't want to do it!)  It took me almost 40 minutes to decide to return to the house.  Walking away from the house was a very brisk walk.  Walking back towards the house was very slow... feeling like I was on some quest where I had to face my destiny.  (even though I didn't want to.)  I don't know why these are so hard for me.  I thought of all the other people I knew who had done IVF and had to get the same shots.  It's just something you have to get through... a means to an end.  Part of what overwhelms me is knowing that I have to potentially do these shots for 3 months.  (assuming I get pregnant.)  (If I don't get pregnant, they will stop.)  So I had to remind myself to just take it one day at a time.  It's not 12 weeks of shots.  It's one day.  I only have to endure one day.  And it will probably only hurt for 10-15 seconds.  10 seconds out of 24 hours.  That's all I have to get through.

So I went back into the house, hugged my husband, and said we could try again.  The 40 minute walk/ prayer had helped.  So I iced the area again, turned on a pretty, soft song on my iPod, and hubby gave me the first of many future IM shots.  

FYI.. for anyone reading this who has to get an IM injection.  Here's some tips:  Ice the area really well (a long time) right before the shot to numb the skin.  I tell my hubby to count to 3 before giving the shot, and I make sure I'm exhaling a long breath when he's administering it.  (That helps me not tense up so much.)   Then afterwards, massage the area for at least 10-15 minutes!!  I recommend buying one of those little massage tools to spare hubby's hands.  Because you're going to need it.

  The instructions said to rub the area for 2 minutes.  That didn't cut it.  The next morning, I woke up and my hip was so sore and painful!  It's odd because it's not the injection site that hurts, it's around the area surrounding it.  So the next night, hubby massaged the area for about 10 minutes.  And that next morning, that hip was much better.  It was still sore.  But not horribly painful sore.  Just a little achy sore.

The one nice thing about the progesterone IM injections is that there is no residual burning or stinging from the medication when you get it.  Once it's done, it's done.  You just have to massage the area really well so that the next morning, you can walk normally.  (My sister told me I was walking like a baby penguin after my first IM shot.)   From then on, we've rubbed the medication in really well.  So no more baby penguin walk.  ;)

Catching the Band-aid Bandit...

WANTED:  The Band-Aid Bandit

Do these look familiar to you??

So.. hubby says I have a secret admirer.  ;)   We're calling this person the "Band-aid Bandit".    I keep getting anonymous packages from Amazon with band-aids in them!  And it's bugging me trying to figure out who it is!

There's only a small percentage of my friends that fit the qualifications of 1) knowing my situation (infertility shots) and love of fun band-aids.  (Just my Facebook friends)  2) Know my home address, and 3) Is tech-savvy enough to know how to send Amazon gift packages anonymously!!

And I know you want to remain anonymous, but I want to talk to you about how fun these band-aids are!!  So feel free to confess these are from you!

My 1st package had these two fun selections:

Lips and Bacon

And did you know you didn't just send me one container of bacon bandages?  You sent me one BOX of bacon band-aids!!  12 containers!   I now own 180 bacon bandages!  Well, now I'm probably down to 168.  But still!  I told Devon - "I HOPE I don't have to still do 180 more shots!!!"  So that was a cool gift.  And I definitely got good use out of it.  (Still am)  

But THEN... I got ANOTHER package!  These ones are awesome too!  Crime Scene and Unicorn/Rainbow band-aids.  LOL.

And they say funny things on them like:

"For best results, apply to body parts not already outlined in chalk."

"Made with unicorn tears for extra healing power!"

"Treat your minor cuts, scrapes, and scratches with the incredible healing power of meat!"

LOL.

I told my sister-in-law about these band-aids,and she told me she would give me $30 if I posted a pic of the lips band-aid on my butt, with the hashtag #KissMyButt.    I told my other sister about it.  She suggested writing Infertility Can #KissMyButt.  

So that's what I'm going to do.  (one of these days)

(A tastefully cropped pic of the band-aid placement!!!)    ;)

This is the only clue I have to the sender's identity.  

So- whoever you are.... thank you.  These are definitely fun band-aids.  :)

(And you can tell me who you are... we can still be friends.)  ;)

Snow babies

It looks like we're getting ready to rob a bank, but we're actually trying to not freeze our noses off!  It was 18 degrees up north!

We went skiing this weekend!!  (One of my favorite things to do!!)   Knowing that I will be on restricted physical activities after the embryo transfer, I had to get in one last trip.  We had to plan it around my doctor appointments (which are every other week.)  So it was this weekend or never!

The snow was perfect!!  It had just stormed before we drove up, but that Saturday it was beautiful.  I'm so glad we went!  I'm just assuming I am getting pregnant next month, so this was our last hurrah.

It was REALLY COLD up on the mountain.  And I told hubby that this was what our embryo felt like in the freezer!!  ;)

It was a little adventurous remembering my drug schedule while traveling!  I had the opportunity to moon several people at the rest stops!  (Kind of)  It takes some creativity to do the shots while on the road.    We stopped at Subway to get food, and ice (that I put in a ziplock bag).  I held the ice on my butt while we drove for a while, and when it was time... we pulled over and hubby gave me a shot in the butt.  (It quite the interesting endeavor.)   We tried to park away from people, but we got some interesting looks from other people at the rest stops!

On the ride up there, we were talking about our possible future kid, and who they would look like.  We were talking about our genes, and what color eyes/ hair/ etc our baby would have.  We talked about our dominant and recessive traits.  

We were joking around, and hubby figured out why we weren't able to get pregnant thus far!   

 I laughed so hard when my hubby said (Speaking for our genes).. "We can't BOTH be dominant!!  One of us has to be recessive!!"  So- that explains why I've had difficulty getting pregnant.  In a normal month, our male/ female genes don't have enough time to negotiate the terms of the future baby.  (Because we're both pretty stubborn!)

But if you stick that embryo in the freezer for a month or two to chill out... that ought to be enough time for them to come to a decision!!  ;)   So therefore using that logic, this Frozen Embryo Transfer is going to be successful.  ;)

Baseline appointment

One day that's going to have a baby in there! 

(Hopefully!  That's the plan anyway.)

This sounds weird, but lately I've started thinking this is going to work.  And it's going to result in pregnancy.  I know that sounds weird, because why would I go through all this if I didn't think it was going to work??

 Before my thought process was that we're running out of time, so this is my last resort.  I'll try it, and if it works, it works.  And if it doesn't, then at least I'll have closure.  And be able to move on.  So this was just kind of an experiment.  And I wasn't putting any emotional investment into it.  (any more than I had to.)  Especially since now we're down to only one embryo to work with.

But for whatever reason, lately I've started thinking/ believing that it will take and I'll get pregnant.  I know we only have one left, but all I need is one embryo to get pregnant.

Last Friday, I had a "baseline" appointment.  The usual blood draw and ultrasound.

They called me in the afternoon, and my hormone levels are looking good.

This is the start of the FET cycle (page 2 of my complicated Excel drug spreadsheet.)

That means we're on the downhill stretch!  :)    OK, weeks and weeks of the downhill stretch.   But each shot I get is one less that I ever have to do again.  (If that makes sense.)

 Last week, I started the Lupron shots again, and then Sunday I added the Neupogen shot too.  

I ice the area before I get the shots to numb it.  It helps.  These ones have little needles (30 gage).  So most nights, it's not too bad.  (Sometimes they go in easier than others.)  These are all sub-cutaneous.  My bad ones don't start for 2 more weeks.  (The Lovenox is a blood thinner, so I've heard it gives you bruises.  And the Progesterone shot is intra-muscular.)   :P  But I don't have to do those yet.

Besides the crazy drug schedule, things have been pretty positive.  I've been trying to be more thankful during this trial in my life.  And I think it's helping.  I'm thankful Devon knows how to even give shots.  (Because if he was a sissy like me, we wouldn't even be able to attempt this.)  I'm thankful these medicines exist, so I at least have a chance of trying to get pregnant.  I'm thankful for the peace that can come when I get a priesthood blessing (special prayer) from my hubby.  I'm thankful this trial has brought my hubby and I closer together as a couple.  I'm thankful for Devon's patience with me when I'm not ready to get the shots.  And I'm thankful I have wonderfully supportive friends and family.  So... right now... things are going pretty good.

I have my moments.  Like when I was at the store on Saturday, when I saw a young mom with her stroller carrying twins.  I got a twinge of jealousy.  But then I realized what I was doing.  I was being envious.  And I need to count my blessings.  And not compare myself to others.  I am where I am in my life for a reason.  Time to focus on the good things in my life.  And be patient.  Good things come to those who wait.

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding." - Proverbs 3:5

Sacrifice / Investment / Fear/ Courage

I saw this quote on Facebook today.  This is what I'm hoping for.  <3

This graph was from the blog I follow called Fertile Findings.   That's how I feel.
 I didn't know 2015 would be all about facing my fears.   But a lot of it was.  And I won't say I've overcome those fears.  Sometimes you just do it anyway.  (Like the graph shows.)

I heard a quote that says:  "Courage is doing what is right in spite of being afraid."   Now, I'm not saying that if I didn't go ahead with the shots and the rest of the IVF cycle, that it would be wrong.  This is a personal choice.  I guess I'm just saying that sometimes you still do things even though you're afraid.  (Focusing on the big picture.)  In the long run... this will all be worth it.

Again, this is all easier said than done.  My shots start back up again soon.  At that point is when I'll REALLY need to focus on these mantras.  Because that's when things will start getting difficult.  It's easy for me to talk about facing my fears.  This all sounds good in theory.  It's much different when you are actually fighting to work through that fear, and do what needs to be done... even though it's painful.  

I guess that what it comes down to.  I really don't like painful things.  ;)  

I remember one time my friend Dave and I were skiing, and we accidentally ended up on a really steep double-black diamond slope.  There was no way to turn around.  And there was no where to go but down.  (Even though it was so steep and icy, I knew full well this was WAY beyond my ability level.)  But what options did I have?  He could go down and get ski patrol to carry me down on a toboggan... (Which I didn't really want to do.) 

 Or I could try to make my way down the best I could.  And that's what I did.  Most the time I was sliding down on my butt.  Then I'd get up a ski it as best I could.  And a few times I fell and biffed it hard.  And that scared me.  And sometimes it hurt when I fell.  But he would help me gather up my scattered ski equipment and we'd try it again.

And this is kind of how I face the trials in my life.  I just keep going until I fall.  Then I get up and try again.  Eventually skiing with Dave did make me a better skier.  Because he pushed me to try things that were hard for me.  (That being said, neither of us meant to end up on the double black diamond slope, that was an accident.)  But I got through it.

And I think this trial of infertility has definitely brought my closer to my husband Devon.  Because I've had to let him see me vulnerable.  And I've had to let him help me.  He's helping me get through my double-black diamond slope of infertility that we somehow ended up on.  (Never intended to be here.)  But since we are here... we have to try to get through it somehow!