Introducing: Our Baby Boy!

Look at this!!!  We have a baby!!  This is our new little guy!!   The newest member of our family.  I am still kind of in shock that this all happened the way that it did!  (And how fast it happened!)  I finally got my little minon!  :)


Our birth mom went into labor 2 weeks early.  Her dad texted me Wednesday evening and said -"you'd better be ready!"  (Which of course we were not at all ready!!)  I hadn't set up the nursery, I hadn't washed any clothes, I hadn't even taken the stroller out of the box!!   

I realized after that fact that I had subconsciously been avoiding doing all those things.  I think I was protecting myself "just in case" in didn't go through.

But it did.  And it was quite the experience!  I was a little worried that we weren't going to make it in time.  I had to wait for my husband to get home from work, then we had to drive several hours to the hospital.  And like I mentioned, I wasn't even packed!  In fact, she went into labor on a Wednesday, and the following Saturday my friends had planned a baby shower for me!  (I missed it obviously!!)  Luckily, my work had thrown me a baby shower the day before.  So I did have some baby things to try to grab for our suitcase!

Our birth mom had said we could be in the hospital room when she delivered.   We got to the hospital around 12:30 am, and the birth mom arrived soon after.  Because we checked in at the same time she did, there wasn't any additional security measures.  (Some hospitals have you create a password because of privacy reasons.  And then if you know the password, they will release private information about the patients.)   But since we were there with her, my husband and I both got hospital wristbands.  When the nurses checked her, our birth mom was already dilated to a 5.  (around 1:00 am)   She got her epidural around 3:00 am, and then she was much more comfortable.  And since she was excited about the birth, she just wanted to chat.  But since it was around 2:00 am, I was sooooo tired and just wanted to sleep!!  But we made small talk through most of the night.  My husband went out into the waiting room to take a nap on some of the chairs there.   At 7:00 am, she was dilated to an 9.  Just before 8:00 am, she was dilated to a 10.   And it was go time!

It's kind of a funny story.  They paged the doctor.  He told the nurse to have her do a few practice pushes, and he would be back in about 15 minutes.  He left to get in the elevator to go down to the 3rd floor.  The nurse explained how to do a practice push, but when she went to check her, she exclaimed "DON'T PUSH!!  DON'T PUSH!!!"  The baby was crowning.  They paged the doctor to come back.  He had ridden the elevator down to the 3rd floor, then came right back up to the 5th floor!

I was all prepared to be an encouraging birth couch and cheerleader.  But I didn't need to.  One push and his head popped out, one more push and his body slid out.  At 8:01 am, this little guy made his appearance.   And he was here.  It was so fast, it didn't even seem real.  He started crying and peeing on the doctor.  My husband got to cut the umbilical cord.  And he got peed on as well!  The little guy likes to mark his territory.

Like I said, it didn't feel real.  So I wasn't overcome with emotion.  It was kind of surreal.  The birth mom held him, and later the nurses got him cleaned up.  I was new, weird, and exciting.  The birth mom said I could feed him for the first time.  And that's when it hit me that this was real.  And that's when I started tearing up.  Holding this baby, and realizing that this was really happening.

As part of our home study process, I was required to attend an adoption orientation.  We heard from several birth moms who shared their stories about how the experience they had placing their baby for adoption.  One had told what made it a positive experience, and one shared what had made it a very negative experience.   The overall take-away is that the birth moms just wanted to feel loved.  And not just for what was in their uterus.  They all said that the first day in the hospital was their time.  It was the only time they would have with the baby, so speaking to us potential adoptive parents... they counseled us to let the birth moms have as much time as they needed to hold and bond with the baby.  You can't say goodbye, until you have said hello.  Now, not every mother will want to.  But it should be up to them.  

I really wanted this to be a positive experience for everyone involved.  So I  tried my best to let our birth mom know that whatever she wanted to do that first day, we would abide by.  And that first 24 hours was quite a whirlwind!   The baby needed to be fed every 2 hours, so we each rotated who would feed him.  (And that way the others could try to get a little bit of sleep!!)  (Not much though!) 

Our hospital was nice and offered to let my husband and I use an available spare room next to our birth mom's room.   So that was a benefit of having a smaller hospital.  The down side of the smaller hospital was that they didn't do a lot of adoptions there.  We had a lot of complications because this was a direct placement adoption, and not through an agency.  I didn't have any agency paperwork to show the case worker.  So I had to spend time trying to get in touch with our adoption lawyer and putting him in touch with this case worker, so we could prove this was a legal adoption.  He had to type up a letter saying he was representing us, and that we were not using an agency.  That part was complicated.  And a lot of back and forth phone calls.

The hospital experience alone is just such a crazy thing.  People are always coming in- needing to do one thing or another.  Needing to do something with the baby, or needing our signatures on something.  I honestly tried to go down to the cafeteria several times to get breakfast, then lunch, then dinner.  It was 5:30 pm before I finally got away to go get some food.  The birth mom got room service, but we didn't because we were the guests.

Even though they are ridiculously expensive, we purchased the newborn photos so that our birth mom could have pictures of her with the baby.  I explained to the photographer that this was an adoption, and so we wanted pictures with both the birth mom and the adoptive mom.  (as well as my husband.)  The photographer agreed, because she knew we would be buying the package!    

Everything was good for the first 24 hours.  We were a team, all taking care of our new baby.  He was born at 8:01 am on Thursday morning.  And we were discharged on Friday afternoon.  And that's when things changed.

The birth mom held the baby as the nurse pushed the wheelchair down to the lobby.  My husband had pulled our car up to the front door, and waiting behind him was her dad in their car.   She showed the baby to her family in the car.  I took some pictures of her family with the baby, so I could sent them to her.  Then it was time to split up.  The time had come for us to get in our car, and her to get in her car.  I had hugged her and thanked for the billioneth time.  Then we put the baby in the car seat and put him in our car.

I looked back and our birth mom was sitting in the passenger seat of their car.  And she was sobbing.  And my heart broke.  I literally felt like I was stealing her baby.  I went back and opened her car door and hugged her and hugged her.  We were both crying.  I told her how I was sorry this was so hard.  And I promised that this baby would always know how much she loved him, and that she could still see him.  And I told her how wonderful she was- for being willing to do this.  They drove away first, then we pulled away.  I had my husband pull over in the parking lot.  We immediately said a prayer for our birth mom.  We asked that she would be able to feel our Savior's love and peace during this difficult time.  We prayed and prayed that Heavenly Father would bless her with immediate comfort.  This was such a huge event in her life.  And we just wanted her to feel at peace.

We already had plans the next day to visit her at her house, because she wanted to get pictures with the rest of her family.  (Because it was cold/flu season, kids weren't allowed in the hospital.)   So my husband and I were at a hotel for the first night with the baby.  And the next day when we visited her, she was doing much better.  It was a positive experience.  We just had a nice visit.  All of her family members got to hold the baby, and we took pictures.  It was really casual.

We stayed at the hotel for another night.  Because in the state of Arizona, the birth mom cannot sign consent until 72 hours after birth.  We weren't there when she signed.  Our lawyer drove up and met with her.  She signed the paperwork.  (The birth dad had already been served his previously.)  And that was it.  We headed for home.

We finally got our little minion!!  :)

BIG NEWS! We've been picked!

So- I have big news!  We're getting a baby!!  (hopefully!)  We've been picked!!  I've been communicating with a potential birth mom since December.  And she has picked Devon and I to adopt her little baby boy!  We traveled last weekend to go meet up in person.  So this is now starting to feel real.  (and SOON!)  She's due Feb 20th!

To tell our families, I wrapped up a big box with a bow on top.  And it was addressed to all the cousins.  Inside was "It's A Boy" balloons, a minion toy, and this sign.  (We did this for my family and then re-wrapped the box again for hubby's family)

Obviously, everyone is so excited!

For my out of town relatives, I texted them this picture:

When I showed this picture to my dad, he said "I don't get it."  I told him it was in reference to the popular 90's song "Ice Ice Baby".  ;)  

When we were doing infertility treatments, it involved tons of doctor appointments, and so announcing a pregnancy then was exciting, but not a surprise.

This was definitely a surprise to our families!  (Which was fun)  I'm happy I got the opportunity to surprise them with a fun baby announcement.

To be honest, it's scary telling everyone, because there's still a chance the birth mom could change her mind.  She can't legally waive her parental rights until 72 hours after the baby is born.  But the way it's been going so far, I'm feeling fairly confident that we'll end up being the parents to this little guy.

The birth mom loves this little baby, but she feels like this is the best decision.  Because she wants him to have a better life than she is able to provide right now.  She just wants him to be loved and taken care of.  I promised her that without a doubt we would love and take care of this little guy.

It's kind of complicated because we're not even legal to adopt yet!!  Our home study paperwork was sent to the judge at the beginning of December.  And he has 90 days to sign off on it.   (My social worker just sent a new letter to the judge saying we have been matched to a birth mom due next month, and asked if the paperwork could be expedited!!)   We've met with an adoption attorney, and he said that even if we're not legal when the baby is born, it's ok.  Then we just have to have a court hearing to grant us temporary custody of the baby until the paperwork is finalized.

So- yeah.  That's my secret!  I haven't been telling people that I have been communicating with a potential birth mom for fear of it falling through.  But things are looking promising!  I wrote a whole separate blogpost about that...

But needless to say, this little miracle is ALL Heavenly Father's doing.  Because we aren't even legal to adopt yet, I hadn't even started looking or writing our profile for Adoption.com.  The birth mom found me!   She found me through a friend of a friend of a friend.  And after communicating for a while, we both felt good about this.    

I have a friend in my ward who was home visiting her family for Thanksgiving.  She said they weren't even talking about babies or kids, when she felt prompted to ask "Does anyone know anyone who wants to place their baby for adoption?"  Her sisters said no, no.  But then her mom said "Well, I do!!"  Turns out, she is friends with a lady who is the step-mom to a girl who was pregnant.  And this girl had already decided she wanted to place her baby for adoption long before I was even in the picture!   So my friend told her mom to tell her friend to tell her step-daughter about us.  And it worked.  Because of them, we exchanged phone numbers.  And later I texted the birth mom and told her that I heard she was considering placing her baby for adoption.  And that my husband and I would love to be considered as a potential adoptive couple for this baby.

I'll write that whole story later.  It felt like dating all over again.  But the end result is, she has chosen us.  And assuming things go as planned, we're going to be adding a little baby boy to our family very soon.   Weird, huh??  I still have a hard time grasping it.  Which is how I know that this is TOTALLY Heavenly Father hooking us up.  Because I didn't do anything to get connected with this birth mom.  She found me.  

  

The quote "A coincidence is just God's way of remaining anonymous." is credited to Albert Einstein.  I don't know if he said it, but that quote is totally true!!

The decision to tell people we're adopting

We've been selected to have a baby placed with us for adoption.  But I haven't really told anyone.
At first, it was because I was still trying to believe it myself.  But now that it's settling in, I'm still hesitant to tell people.  The birth mom has the right to change her mind up to 72 hours after the birth.  And I've heard a lot of stories of that happening.  (Which the birth mom has every right to do.)  It's just hard to get all excited about something so huge, then have it fall through.

So I'm scared to tell people.

I remember when I got pregnant last year, I only told family members.  I was going to wait until after I was out of the first trimester to tell everyone else.  I didn't make it that far.  And after I miscarried, the hardest thing ever was to un-tell them that I was no longer pregnant.  And that was just family.

So I think that plays into why I am hesitant to share our potential adoption with all my friends.  I don't want to have to un-tell if it doesn't go through.

On Dec 31st, I told my family that we were getting a baby, but also warned them that it may not happen.

But later, after talking with my sister, my view slowly changed.  The more I communicate with the birth-mom, the more confident I feel that this adoption is going to go through.  I told my sister that I was cautiously optimistic.  I told her that it was so hard to pretend that I don't care if this happens or not.  To say to the birth-mom- "no pressure from me. I just want you to do what you feel is right".  When every fiber of my being is saying "Please pick me."

I can't remember her exact words, but my sister basically said I was lying to myself.  She asked "are you going to be any less heartbroken if you pretend to not be excited?"  I said no- it's still going to hurt the same, whether I admit it does or not."  So she said- "then why not be excited?  Why not be happy about it, then deal with whatever happens when it happens?"

I've been seeing a counselor about some of the issues that come with infertility.  When I told her on Jan 10th that we might be adopting, she told me "You've got your game face on."  And I do.  It's hard to get super excited knowing that there is a possibility it may not happen.

When I told my friend Christina on Jan 12th, she told me I had more of a guarantee of getting a child through adoption that I did through doing infertility procedures.  I said, it's not a guarantee, it's a chance.  She said, "there's no chance that a judge is not going to approve you to be a parent.  And then it's just a matter of time."   She said "You have to believe it's in God's plan for you to have a child."  She talked about me, my husband, my family... and said " there's no way you'll not have a child."  (Once you have taken all the steps.)  That sunk in.  I had forgotten to have faith.  This isn't about a birth-mom selecting or rejecting me.  This is about one way or another God will find a way to get a little soul to our family.

Our adoption lawyer said the same thing.  He said "In my experience, babies always end up in the homes they are meant to go to."  So whatever child is supposed to be a part of our family will end up with us.

So- after letting all this sink in... I think it's time to tell.  We've been selected by a birth-mom to adopt a baby boy.  And he's due Feb. 20th.  And I think it's time to be excited about it.  (As well as nervous, and scared.... but those are normal new parent emotions too.)    :)

Adoption Home Study update

This is my adorable little nephew.  He just turned 3 years old.  His favorite quote is currently "Can I wanna have this?"  So that's what I say now too.

My hubby and I just completed our adoption home study.  To put it simply, it was a challenge.    And it was a LOT of work.  Pages and pages of applications, attending a full-day adoption orientation, getting CPS clearance, not to mention getting the house ready.

It was hard for me to stay motivated to do all this work for a vague end goal.  I just had to keep telling myself to just get the home study done so you can be at the starting line.  And then whatever happens, happens.  A lot of my hold up was a future fear of rejection.  What if we never get picked?  What if we do all this work for nothing?  But I just had to keep moving forward.

 It took a while to get everything ready.   We had to make trips to the courthouse to gather "certified copies" of official legal documents.   (Because the copies we had weren't good enough.  We needed to pay $28 to get an embossed stamp on it.)  We had to make copies of our financial records.  Show our budget and income.  (Which makes me feel inadequate- what if a judge decides our income isn't good enough?).  We had to go to the doctor to get physicals and list all our surgeries, diagnoses, and medications.  (I understand that you want to know if a person has a terminal illness, but it still felt really invasive.)  We had to get fingerprinted and do background checks.  (This one I totally was fine with.)  We had to fill out a 17 page essay questionnaire about anything and everything related to us, our past, and our future.

We had to physically get the house ready for inspection.  Lots of cleaning and organizing.  I had several friends who helped me get ready.  We had to make sure the dogs were on their best behavior and stayed clean.  (A challenge for Chewy.)  We didn't even barely live in our house the last few days before the home study, because the house was clean, and I wanted it to stay clean.  So we mainly got take-out for dinner.  It was a lot of work getting the house ready for the home study inspection.  We had to re-arrange a lot of things.  We now have magnetic child safety locks on our cupboards.  Obviously, all our chemicals and cleaning supplies had to be locked up.  But what about shampoo?  It that a safety concern?  What about Epson Salts?  Its that a safety concern?  There's a long list of things to do to get your house ready.  (Besides cleaning)  I now have drawn a blue print of our house showing how to evacuate in case of a fire.  (Considering it's only a 2 bedroom house, it's not a very complex drawing!)

It was really hard emotionally coming up with answers for  17 pages worth of essays we had to write about our childhood, our lives, our futures, our preferences for what kind of child we want to adopt.  Figuring out our future discipline styles, and goals for our child.  Well, I know from friends and family that different children require different discipling styles.  And does any parent know this stuff before they start?  Or do you just figure it out along the way?  Try something, and if it doesn't work, try something else?  We had to talk about a will.  They wanted to know what I will do if my husband dies?  What will he do if I die?  Who will get the children if we both die?   What's our motivation for adopting?  There were questions about our siblings, our parents, our physical features (height, weight, eye color, hair color), work history, psychological profiles, our home, our neighborhood, our nearby schools.... it felt like our entire lives were being scrutinized under a microscope.  And we were being watched and analyzed to see if we were deemed good enough to have a child.

(Which drives my husband crazy considering all the horrible abusive parents he encounters in his job at the hospital.)  He struggles to know why we have to jump through all these hoops to be evaluated, when he sees so many drug-addicted and/or physically abusive people that have babies/kids.   My answer was always the same.... "I don't know."

  And overall, it was just intimidating.  Hubby and I had to do combined and individual interviews with the social worker.  Even though our social worker was super nice, it was still intimidating.  It felt like a really big job interview.

 What if we said something wrong?  It feels like our whole future depends on the outcome of this home study.  (Which is kind of true.)  What if we did or said something that made the judge not like us?  The social worker wanted to know about our relationship, and if we have ever considered divorce.  She wanted to know our backgrounds, and why we wanted to have kids.   (Doesn't the fact alone that I'm jumping through all these hoops prove how badly I want a kid?)  I mean- words are inadequate.  Why do I want a kid?  Cuz I do?  I don't know how to explain it.  It's just something inside of me.  And I feel dumb when I can't put words to the deep feelings I have.  And I hate answering questions on the spot.  I'm not good at it.  If it's not a trivia question with a one-word answer, then  I need time to think about and contemplate my answers.  (After she had left, I came up with some very good answers to some of her questions.)

Some of our friends and family had to write letters of reference for us.  Some of our friends and family had to fill out a confidential questionnaire that went straight to the judge.  It wanted to know what our biggest strengths are, and also what our biggest weaknesses are.  I had give the social worker the names and email addresses of some long-time friends and family members to do this.  They know us a little too well.  They know some of our biggest weaknesses, struggles, and challenges.  I questioned if maybe I should have given the questionnaire to some good friends who didn't know us quite so well.  Maybe I should have given it to someone I only know through church, and who hadn't been there when hubby and I have had a fight.  Or that didn't know me in the years I struggled after high school.  I felt very exposed and vulnerable.

But in the end, I just kept telling myself that whatever was supposed to happen will happen.  And as long as I'm doing the best I can, that's all I can do.  And turn it over to the Lord.  Make it His problem, not mine.

We passed our home study inspection, and finished the interviews.  So now a judge has 90 days to review our home study application and documents.  Then we'll get a letter in the mail saying we are legally certified to adopt.  And in reality, I'm not worried about getting certified.  Neither hubby nor I have criminal backgrounds.  We're just regular, good people that have regular people problems.  We fight sometimes.  We're two different people with two different backgrounds and opinions.  But the important part is that both of us are committed to this relationship and finding a way to work through our problems.

  And if I hadn't have had the rough years in high school/ college, I would not have grown into the person I have become.  I would not have the strong sense of empathy that I have developed.  It is because of my trials that I am who I am.  So- hopefully that becomes apparent to a judge who is just reading it on paper and doesn't actually know us in person.

Another friend is pregnant.

Infertility.  I'd like to say that it doesn't bother me anymore.  It's definitely gotten better.  But it still hurts from time to time.

Tonight, I met up with a group of friends.  A long time friend of mine announced that she's pregnant.  She's expecting a little girl.  It came as a shock.  She said it was unexpected, and called it an "Oops baby".  And I think because she's close to me, it hurts more.   I came home, and my husband could tell something was off.  So I told him about it.  He asked how I was feeling.  I replied "angry sad".  And my eyes welled up with tears.  And I felt very tired of this struggle.  Mentally tired and physically tired.  Like I could go to sleep right then.  (And it was only 8:00 pm)

My dog Jasmine is really sweet.  She senses when I am sad, and always comes close to me.  Reaching out to stroke her fur forces me to stop starting absent off into the distance.  She helps me to focus on the present.  She is there to comfort me.  

My husband sat beside me and tries to be comforting, but doesn't really know the words to say.  But it's nice that he's there and he tries.

Why is it so easy when you are young?  I feel like my friend and I are the same age.  (Although she is in her mid-20's, and I just turned 40).  It's times like these that it becomes painfully obvious how different we are.  But then again, who's to say I wouldn't have had infertility problems when I was in my 20's.  I had endometriosis back then too.  But now I have that and "advanced maternal age".  My whole life, age never used to bother me.  It was always just a number that didn't mean much to me.  Up until now when I feel like I am being punished for being the age I am, and not marrying younger.  
But then I have to remember that it didn't feel right to get married before now.  I had never dated the right guy.  So this is the age I was supposed to get married, because this was the age I was when we met.  I just have to keep focusing on the big picture.  I am where I am for a reason.  And everyone's life is their unique story.  This is mine.

All of my fears, and what I have learned.

I found a fantastic talk that I want to document so I remember it later. (I just tried to print it, but my printer ran out of ink on the 3rd page!)  But documenting it here is better because then it's with all my other infertility stuff, and I'll always be able to find it.

The title is: 
Knowing When to Persevere and When to Change Direction 
by Janet G. Lee
Here's the link:  https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/janet-g-lee_knowing-persevere-change-direction/

I think everyone should read this.  It literally applies to everyone.  Not just me... trying to navigate the infertility/ adoption path.

It talks about what to do when thinks don't happen the way you want them to.  Janet shares a cute story about her kindergardener who was asked to pick her favorite color of crayon and write her name.  She froze, and didn't do anything... even though her mom knew she could write her name.  Later, she told her mom they didn't have her favorite color crayon, so she couldn't do what the teacher asked.

So- because we aren't given the choice we desire, we are frozen.  And sometimes don't do anything to progress or move forward. 

Here's what Janet said:  As hard as it sometimes is to understand, stumbling blocks are essential to our progression.

Remember what the Lord said: “If thou art called to pass through [some] tribulation . . . know . . . that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good” (D&C 122:5–7).

 (Totally relates to me.)  Once I work through that enough to decide to pick a different colored crayon, then I get paralyzed by "what if I make the wrong choice?"  I get frozen by indecision.

This video has my answers:  

So that is comforting to know that Heavenly Father won't let me go down the wrong road for long.  And also that I will know for sure that was the wrong road.  (So I'll know the right road when I find it.)  

Another stumbling block to my adoption progress is fear:

So many fears.

Fear of rejection:  What if the birth mom doesn't pick me.  Having gotten married later in life, and having other relationships not work out, this can be a hard thing for me.  Dealing with rejection.  Or even worse- not even given a chance to get rejected, because of someone not even getting to know me well enough to reject me.

I have to remind myself that I didn't just settle for anyone when I got married.  I waited until the right guy came along to marry.  My match.  Those other relationships that didn't work out weren't right for me.  And I know that in my head.  When I think about all the other guys I knew before, and I think about my husband now... he's the best fit for me.  I made that choice.

So I need to get that fear out of my head.  But the "being picked last for the basketball team" is a legitimate fear for me.  Also the "not getting picked at all"- even though they don't even know me is my other fear.  (relating to dating, adoption, etc.)  

When people do get to know me, they are able to recognize my positive attributes.  That I am a patient, encouraging, positive person.  And I actually have proof that I have developed these talents.  

I grew up thinking I didn't have any talents.  But later in life, I realized my talents were not something I could easily showcase.  Once I got my dog Jasmine, those talents started to manifest.  Through positive reinforcement training (which uses all of the skills/ talents I already have developed)... I learned how to teach my dog to do amazing tricks.  And she LOVES to do them.  We both flourished.  Now my dog has her own YouTube channel which has her dog trick videos that I have made.   And they are very popular on YouTube.  Some of her videos have over a million views.  We have been on national TV many times showing people her dog tricks.  She brings a smile and joy to so many people, and has friends all over the world who write to me about Jasmine.

And she has given me a way to serve others by using those talents.  I got her certified as a therapy dog, and for years we went weekly to a children's hospital to meet with the kids who are patients there.  We went room to room individually meeting with the kids and performing little trick show for them.  They loved it, and Jasmine loved the attention and treats.  And I found great joy and fulfillment through serving others.  Everybody wins.

So... long story short... I have to remind myself that once someone gets to truly know me, they will see those good qualities.  And light attracts light.  So, if they have light, they will want to be around me and my light.  And I won't be rejected.

They may not feel like I would be the best fit for their child, but that doesn't mean I am not a good person.  That's because we are all different.  And like my friend said "there's a lid for every pot".  We're all different, and even in getting married later... I had to wait for the right lid to my pot.

Something else I fear/ wonder about:  is the "am I supposed to have kids" question.  All of my friends from high school are done having kids.  One of my friends just had her oldest kid graduate from high school, and move out.  So she is done raising one of her kids.  And I haven't even started.  That makes me question things.  The majority of people at church and at work that have kids are in their 20s and 30's.  I would be starting after 40.  This concerns me because that means (assuming I get a baby soon)... that when I am 60, my kid will only be 20.  When I am 80, my kid will only be 40.  And sometime less that 20 years after that, I will be dead.  And I can't image only being 40 or 50 years old and losing my mom.  (When you're young, 40 and 50 sounds old. Now that I am 40, it doesn't seem old at all.  I barely feel like I am starting to figure life out.)  

I had a friend who posted a funny video on Facebook of her singing that it's time to get her mammogram.  She graduated college at the same time as me.  She got married, had some kids, has been through a divorce, got a better job, and now has met a really nice guy who she is happy with.  We're around the same age.  But I feel like she is a lot older than me.  Or at least had a lot more life experience.  (And not that I would ever want to trade trials in life.)  But we are at different stages of life.  But in regards to kids, she's at the finish line, and I'm at the starting line.   

So I wonder if I should even have kids.   Knowing all this.  Or if I should just be content with being a fun aunt, and being friendly to the kids at church.  (I have lots of little buddies in church who like me.)  (Probably because I always have toys or coloring books in my purse.)  For years, I have brought a bag full of kids' toys, books, etc. to church to help out with other people's kids.  Because you know that kids always like someone else's stuff better than your own.  This helps give the parents a break, it keeps the kids quiet so people can hear the speaker and feel the spirit at church, and honestly I really enjoy doing it.  It makes me feel needed, and liked.

So....  I was praying about it for a while... if I should even have kids.  And the thought came into my head "Do you want kids?"   I had to think about that.  Am I doing it just because it's what everyone else is doing?  Or do I really want to have kids?  And the answer is yes.  I do.   So...then the answer was to stop comparing my situation to everyone else.  I still have a lot of love to give, and some child needs that.

Back to the talk from Janet Lee:

One quote that really stood out to me was: 

Elder Richard G. Scott wisely instructed in the October 1991 general conference:

Trust [the Lord], even when in eternal perspective it temporarily hurts very much. Have patience when you are asked to wait when you want immediate action. . . . The path you are to walk through life may be very different from others. You may not always know why He does what He does, but you can know that He is perfectly just and perfectly merciful. [“Obtaining Help from the Lord,” Ensign, November 1991, p. 86]

There's my answer right there.  "The path you are to walk through life may be very different from others."   - Richard G. Scott

Welcome to my life.

It's always been different from others.  Sometimes by choice and sometimes by circumstance.  But it's my path.

The last part of this talk by Janet Lee that stood out to me was this:

My choice would not have been to experience what was given me to do, yet, as a result, each day is filled with deeper meaning, greater understanding, and new insights. If I could trade it all back now and take the challenges away, I would do so in a minute. I don’t like the fact that my husband has cancer. It is definitely a deviation from the life I had in mind for us. But if I could turn back the clock, would I also have to trade in what I have learned? I wouldn’t want to give that part back. Always having our first choice might mean giving up unknown benefits. As Emerson said, “For everything you have missed, you have gained something else” (Essays: First Series [1841], “Compensation”).

That is something I feel.  I wouldn't want to go back, because I am not the same person I was before.  I have a stronger sense of empathy for others.  I have a unique ability to relate and understand the struggles of those going through infertility.  And although it's fairly common, not many people talk about it.  So people feel isolated.  So I am able to connect with those types of individuals.  But in a broader sense, I believe it has made me more empathetic to others as well.  I have a deeper connection to Heavenly Father and a love for all his children.  So, no, I wouldn't give that back.  I'm finally at the point where I know my strengths and I know my struggles.  And I know how to use both of those to help people.

Do I still wish my circumstances were different?  A little.  But that doesn't change anything.   Do I wish it wasn't so hard at times?  Yes.  But I recognize that by going through these difficult circumstances, I have grown really deep roots.  (Like a tree that goes through a lot of storms.)

And in general, life isn't always hard.  Life is good.  There are definitely some hard, rocky times to get through.  But with or without kids, I am trying my best to live a good life.  To make a difference in the world around me.    To show kindness and love to those I meet.  And to spread happiness by caring about others.

Maybe that's my purpose in life.  With or without kids. We'll see.

The Gift of Being Broken

Today I read a blogpost that really resonated with me.  It was called "The Gift of Being Broken."  I think a lot of people can relate to this. 

Read what the author Ariel Szuch shared:  https://www.lds.org/blog/the-gift-of-being-broken?lang=eng

She said:
"However, God is good, and He has taught me a valuable lesson about being broken through my life’s experiences:

Brokenness is a gift.

Why? Because our brokenness connects us to each other, and our brokenness brings us to Christ. It is by bringing our broken hearts to Him that we are made whole.

Sharing our brokenness brings meaning to our experiences, and the connection we make with others when we share our stories brings healing."

***This is true.  And it's interesting how our lives interconnect.  When I first started going through my infertility procedures and struggles, a close friend started her infertility journey about 6 months after us.  She would do an IUI, then I would do an IUI.  Our timing seemed to alternate, so she could comfort me when mine were unsuccessful, and then I could be there for her when hers were unsuccessful.   She and her husband did rounds and rounds of IUI's.  (Artificial Insemination)   Finally they decided to invest the money, and get IVF.  (In Vitro Fertilization)  Similar to me, she got married later in life.  Just like me, she and her husband are LDS and have wanted kids their whole life.  And they were so thrilled to find out that she was pregnant after their procedure.   Unlike me who kept my pregnancy quiet, she told everyone that it was successful.  And they were expecting.  Things were going along great.  She almost made it to the end of the 1st trimester.  And when she went in for her ultrasound, they were unable to find a heartbeat.  (just like me).  How I wish that wasn't the case.  How I wish she wouldn't have to go through the same devastation that I went through.  How I wish her baby could have kept growing.  But no.  For whatever reason, it wasn't meant to be.  It's a dark place to be in when you first miscarry.  But that's okay.   She texted me the day after she got the news.  I was in Walmart.  And as our texting conversation went on, I started crying in Walmart.  I went to the the housewares aisle which was less crowded than the grocery aisles.  And I could honestly share in her misery.  It sucks.  You go through all that blood, shots, surgeries, and tears, and for what?  It seems like all that pain and suffering is for nothing.   (Having gone through it, I know it's a refiner's fire.  But in the middle of going through it, you're not able to see it yet.)   But I was able to tell her that it hurts less on the other side.  It's been almost a year since I miscarried.  And I'm definitely glad to be on the other side of that trial.  Because now I can look back, and identify what the author is talking about below is this quote: 

"Being broken is a gift, because when we are broken, we recognize the need for a Savior to make us whole.

There’s a reason that the sacrifice Jesus asks of us is a “broken heart and a contrite spirit.” A broken heart is one that is open to Him, that lets in His grace. He felt our pains and sorrows first, and by going through a little of what He went through, we feel His power in our lives."

This is the other things I have learned through this trial.  That Jesus Christ literally has bound up my wounds, and pieced my broken heart back together.  (at times I thought I was going to completely lose it.)  I have felt a peace that only my Savior Jesus Christ could give.  And so although I still struggle with my infertility and the direction of my life.  It's not as intense now.  And I can definitely recognize that the Lord was there to comfort me during my trials.  And I had to go down that road, if only to know that I tried everything I could.  And to learn that was not my path.  

I'm still learning what my path in this life is.  But I know I have learned to rely on Jesus Christ more over the past few years than ever before in my life.  And that's all I really know right now.  And I have that knowledge as I move forward... to whatever the future holds.